This day changed my life

The day after Mother's Day is a day that changed my life. When I was pregnant with Jagger, it worked out that I would have my 20 week ultrasound the day after Mother's Day! We were so excited to find out what we were having, and how fitting that we would find out the day after Mother's Day! On this day 4 years ago, we were filled with joy, excitement, and anticipation to welcome our first baby boy...a healthy one at that! I even went to Gap and bought 2 boy outfits afterwards, wrapped them in pretty packages, and presented my parents and Jonathan's parents with them so they could unwrap the gifts to see if they were having their first grandson or granddaughter! It was so much fun!! Jagger was born on September 7, 2005.

The day after Mother's Day is a day that changed my life. Wait...did I say that already? Well, it changed my life again...2 years ago. When I was pregnant with London, it worked out that I would have my 20 week ultrasound the day after Mother's Day! It sounds like I copied and pasted this paragraph, huh?! I couldn't believe that it worked out the same as with Jagger! At the time, it was like a picture-perfect scenario! How cool that I could celebrate the day after Mother's Day again by finding out what we were having! That day, we went into the ultrasound room, and after about 15 minutes, the sonographer asked if we wanted to know what we were having. Of course, we did! So, she began to type the word on the screen...G...I...R...L!!!!!!!! I screamed with excitement! I couldn't believe that I was going to have a baby girl! How perfect that we would have a boy and a girl. Life was absolutely GRAND at that moment! She continued measuring, and everything was going well. She mentioned that the last thing she needed was to get a good picture of the heart, but "she's a busy little booger, and she keeps moving around on me" (those were her words). Then, she asked me to go empty my bladder to see if she could get a better picture. I was oblivious to any concern. Plus, I was having a GIRL, so I was floating on cloud 9 at that moment!! After emptying my bladder, I went back into the dark ultrasound room, and she asked me to lie on my side while she attempted to get a good picture of the baby's heart. After a few minutes of trying, she asked to be excused. When she returned, Dr. Henderson was with her. My jubilation quickly turned to panic as I realized that something was, indeed, wrong. The next few moments changed my life forever. That was when we were told that we needed to go to Louisville to have a level 2 ultrasound done because they could not see all 4 chambers of our baby girl's heart. We began to panic, and Jonathan told Dr. Henderson to be honest in telling us the situation. Don't "sugar-coat it", he kept telling her as tears welled up in his eyes. I asked her what the percentage was that something was wrong, and she said, after hesitating, that she was 95% sure that the baby had something wrong with her heart. She mentioned Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, and after we asked questions, she said that some babies live a few hours, a few days, but that it was not compatible with life. I began to feel sick. I began to feel faint and hot and sweaty. I threw up in the trash can. I was crying. I was in disbelief. I mean, everything else was so perfect! This was my baby girl!!!!!! This is Jagger's little sister! This was my picture-perfect family! What is HAPPENING?!!!

Dr. Henderson scheduled the appointment in Louisville for the next morning, and we left. That was the beginning of our journey. We went to Alaena's house to get Jagger. When we pulled in the driveway, Alaena and Afton were waiting for us...bursting with excitement to find out what we were having! They could sense that something was wrong, and it crushed my heart to have to share such depressing and gut-wrenching news with them about our precious baby girl. Then, Mom and Dad came, and we had to share the news again. Then, Jonathan's parents called, and we had to share the news again. Every time someone asked about how our appointment went, we had to relive our new hell. That experience was so very different than when we shared the news about Jagger. It was the first day of our journey of grief...a different kind of grief, but it was still grief. London was born on September 11, 2007...just four days after Jagger turned 2.

So, this day is bitter-sweet for me because my life was changed forever, for good and for bad, the day after Mother's Day.