Where I've been...

I feel so guilty that it's been 4 months since I've posted. I'll be honest, I used to post when I needed to vent...when I was having a "moment". I also used to post when I was sharing my boys and all of the funny and cute things that they do! I guess the reason I have neglected this blog is kind of a good thing, really.

First of all, my "moments" are rare these days, so my need to vent is also pretty rare, too. Praise God! Now, let me also say that last Wednesday, I bawled like a baby for hours because I had a "moment" that lasted the entire afternoon, pretty much! That hasn't happened for a very long time, but it just came - sort of like cousin Eddie on Christmas Vacation! Totally uninvited, very inconvenient, and stayed way too long!! :)

At the same time, although those moments suck (to be honest), they also bring me back to London. They make me remember vividly again. When I go "there" again, I remember how she felt in my arms. I remember tucking the soft, fuzzy side of the blanket under her little feet to keep them warm. I remember tracing her silky soft skin with my fingers...rubbing her little forehead and her hair. I remember putting my nose to hers and closing my eyes while I felt her little breath on my lips. I remember her sweet smell. I hear her cry and her grunts. I remember my precious baby girl. So...although those emotions are far too painful to "like", there is something cathartic and cleansing about going there again.

Back to why I've neglected the blog. As I posted before, last year was a year of a new adventure for me and my family. I started London's Bridge Photography - in honor of London. My new business has become my outlet for my grief, and quite honestly, it has kept me so busy that I rarely have time to do much of anything else. I have been so blessed to see how London's Bridge Photography has grown just since March (when I took the plunge and put myself out there). I have been able to feel "fulfilled" through my business by honoring London, sharing her story more often, and also by giving back to charity with every session. I donate 15% of profits to the charity that my client chooses. I know that every person has something close to their heart, so when they get to choose where their donation goes, it makes them feel good, too! It allows them to give back in honor or memory of someone and feel like they've truly "Smiled for a Cause". So, my point is that doing good through London's Bridge Photography has allowed me to progress in my grief. In a sense, I know that I'm honoring London and making something GOOD come out of my sadness and my loss. And again, I NEVER want London to be forgotten, so knowing her name is on my logo, and that her name is being shared with others...well, it just makes me happy!
As far as sharing pictures of my boys...I pretty much use London's Bridge Photography for that, too. Whenever I want to tell about something cute or funny they've done, I usually share the pictures on facebook on my London's Bridge Photography page.

Anyway, I'm sorry for my neglect. At the same time, I am thankful that I feel peace in my heart again. I'm thankful that my tears are few and far between these days. I'm just thankful! And...I'm thankful for you who do read this blog and appreciate my story. I know so many of you have your own hurt and your own story to share. I pray that God will give you peace and comfort. Whether you believe it now or not (I remember when I didn't believe it), "Weeping may endure for the night, but JOY comes in the morning." ~Psalm 30:5

Never lose hope!!

Love,
Ashlee :)

Happy 4th Birthday, London!!

Four years ago today...at 3:02 pm to be exact...I held my sweet baby girl for the first time. I will never forget the jubilation, the peace, the relief and pure happiness and joy that I felt that day. It's very hard to imagine that London would not be a baby or even a toddler or even a "little" girl if she were here with us. She would be 4...she would be big! She would be independent and full of personality. Oh how I wish I could hold her and love on her and laugh with her and celebrate with her today. We love you, London. Happy birthday in heaven, my sweet "big" girl!!!

I forget how tough...

For the past week or so, I have felt like a pressure cooker. I've been tense, my anxiety has bothered me - more than usual. I have had bad dreams. I have had bad thoughts...thoughts that I would rather forget because they take me back "there". I have been sad and blue and have found myself overflowing with emotions and tears lately. I am just sad. I miss London so terribly. Not that I don't miss her terribly all the time...but, most of the time I can deal with it. Most of the time, I can shake it off and move on and go about my business with a smile on my face. Lately, it's just hard.

It's September 5, and all I can think about it that London would be 4 this coming Sunday. Four? I just can't believe it. You would think that as each year passes, it would get easier to endure her birthday. However, I'm struggling just as bad this year as I did her first birthday. There's just something about her birthday that puts my loss into perspective. It reminds me of what I'm missing. It makes me wonder what she would look like, what her voice would sound like, what kind of birthday party she would want.

When I was pregnant with London, I often wondered how I would manage her birthday and Jagger's birthday being so close ( Jagger's is the 7th). Would we have one big party? Would we party for a week straight doing his party and her party and school parties and family parties?! I've been thinking about that as we've prepared for Jagger's 6th birthday. His birthday is always so bittersweet to me. I know that may sound bad, but I'm just being honest. I try my best to focus on him and enjoy the moment, but I still think about how London is just 4 days behind him...and there is no party for her. There is no celebration. I know I know...in heaven she's celebrating. I know that, and I am so thankful to know that. But...moments like this are hard - regardless of the peace of mind that heaven gives me. I want her HERE...NOW!!

Why is it that the anticipation of something is often worse than the day itself? Tonight as I put Jack to sleep in his room (London's room), I found myself tearing up...again...when I looked at the spot where I fell to my knees and begged and pleaded with God to heal her...to perform a miracle on her little heart. It was just days before she was born, and I was so scared and so excited to meet her, but so hopeful, yet nervous and anxious. I felt everything all at once...but I just wanted her to be okay. Rarely do I ever think about that when I put Jack to bed...but I did tonight.

Tonight, Jack was throwing a fit. He was grumpy and clingy and screaming about everything...just one of those nights...and I just couldn't handle it since I was just emotional anyway. I went out and sat in my car and listened to Third Day and just bawled my eyes out...out loud...and talked to London and prayed to God. I tasted my tears for the first time in a long time. I let them fall without wiping them. I grieved without reservation, and it felt good.

Why would I think about London's little body being in her casket? I did tonight. Why would I beat myself up over leaving her hospital room the few times that I did...not knowing at the time that those were moments I would never get back. I thought of that tonight. I thought of the words I spoke to her in her little ear as the nurses wheeled her into the operating room...the last words I said to her. I thought of the feeling I had when Jonathan, Jagger and I - and our whole family - had to solemnly walk out of Cincinnati Children's Hospital without London. I thought of how I felt when people who hadn't seen me in a while would ask how my baby was doing. I thought about her clothes and shoes and blankets and furniture...still nestled in my parents' basement.

Jagger said yesterday that he wishes he was alive when I was a kid. I didn't really follow him at first. He tends to get really imaginative :) When I asked him why, he said because if he were alive when I was a kid, then he would have gotten to see baby London. Well, regardless of whether his thought makes a lot of sense or not, I know that he just wishes he could have met his baby sister. That's all. And I grieve that. I wish he would have met her and held her and kissed her and talked to her. I just shake my head in complete sadness at that reality. We just didn't know at the time. If only we would have known. Well, if we would have known, then a lot of things would have been different.

I really do promise - as I've said so many times before - that I am doing so well. God had been so good to me. I'm in a valley right now, but I have faith that it's not a deep valley...and it will not last long. I remember a time - a very long duration of time - when I just didn't know if I would ever smile again. I didn't have joy, happiness, laughter, and peace. I doubted my future and God's plans for me. I felt robbed and bitter and betrayed. But God...that's a big statement because it's what saved me. But God...He was there and gave me hope and peace and comfort. He slowly but surely restored my hope and my faith and my trust in Him. I began to smile again and laugh again. That doesn't mean that I don't have my moments - or that I won't have my moments for as long as I live. But it does mean that God has renewed my spirit in a way that I never thought was possible.

I love the Footprints in the Sand poem because it explains exactly how I felt when London died. Now, with hind sight, I realize that when I felt so alone and abandoned by God, it was He who was carrying me and loving me and comforting me. He never left me.

I know this wave of emotions will pass. I will get through this birthday and "angel day" season once again. London was only in my arms for 2 days, but she and I were "one" for 9 months. I knew her habits, her schedule (wild in the middle of the night). I knew how much she loved to hear her Poppy play the piano. I know she knew my voice and she knew I loved her. I know she loved her daddy's songs as he sang them softly in her ear. She knew love. That's all we could ask for. London will be in my heart forever, and I will live my life honoring her and the ONE who gave her to us.

Thankful & Blessed

As an elementary teacher, I absolutely love my summer breaks! I love watching TV in my bed head, drinking my coffee, getting on the computer. I love spending time with my two wild and wonderful boys. Well, the fighting, screaming, biting (Jack's latest), and crying does get a little old, but I wouldn't trade the time off with them for anything. With Jonathan and me both being teachers (at the same school, I might add), we get to have a lot of family time in the summer, so I am thankful for that.

Having said that, we just have 2 more days of freedom until another school year begins. I am always reluctant to begin and a little bitter to give up my summer freedom! But...I have to admit that I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. And I also must admit that we - as a family - do better with a routine! We go and blow and spend too much money when we're off! The boys will go into shock to have a bedtime again!

This year will be a bit different. Jagger will be in kindergarten!! Our baby is going to school! He went to the kindergarten open house and kindergarten "kick-off" and loved it! He was actually so annoyed by me...my camera in his face, my licking my finger to wipe the breakfast off his mouth...you know, all the typical mom stuff! He is ready, and he's excited, so I guess I am, too :) In fact, although it's hard to let my baby go into the independent phase of his life, the bigger picture reveals the many blessings in this phase! I realize that I am richly blessed that my son is here, that he is healthy and happy and independent, and that I can witness this moment. I can watch him spike his hair with entirely too much gel because it's "cool like that". I can allow him some freedom to dress himself and feel like a big kid. I can watch him walk into school with his monogrammed back pack and Lightning McQueen lunch box. I can enjoy his big cheesy grin that's missing 3 teeth already!!

As I type this and think about the sweet blessings of this moment in time, I am just overwhelmed with God's goodness and His grace. I tell you...I never thought that I would get to this point. I never dreamed that I would truly smile again, laugh again, have joy in my heart again after London died. I never thought that I could bask in happy moments without dwelling on London "not being there". I am so thankful to be able to say that - after nearly four years - I really do feel happy. I really do have joy. I really do have a belly laugh again that is contagious! There is finally joy in my heart again and a real smile on my face!

Well, let me say this...at this moment as I type and speak these words to myself, I actually have tears rolling down my face! I feel overwhelmed with thankfulness and joy. Of course, I am sad that my sweet baby girl is not here. Well, she wouldn't be a baby...she would be a little diva who is expecting her fourth birthday! I am sad that she is not bouncing around with her blond hair and big blue eyes - laughing, talking, bothering her brothers or loving on them! The truth is that my heart will ALWAYS ache for her. The void in my heart - the hole in my heart - may be "patched" as life goes on, but it will never truly heal until I hold her in heaven some day. Then, I will be complete.

But, for this life, I am finally doing well. That doesn't mean that I don't have my moments...sort of like today...I was filling out Jagger's kindergarten paperwork, and one of the papers asked about our family and wanted to know how many children are in our family. I hesitated to put "2" on the paper because I felt guilty for leaving London out. But...I did. I realize that life goes on, and I have to embrace life as it is. It is life with 2 boys. Life with lots of dirt and swords and dump trucks and wrestling and lots of blue. It is life with balls and bats and frogs and worms and mismatched t-shirts and shorts. And, you know what? I love my life. I love my boys. I love everything that comes with the territory.

I do wish that we had a pretty princess room in our home filled with pink and purple and bows and dresses and baby dolls. But - I'm finally "okay" that there is no pink in our home. It took me a long time to get here emotionally. And, let me say, it does still put my stomach in knots to talk about it, but I'm okay. I can handle it.

I always meditated on these two verses, and I still love them. The first is "Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning." ~Psalm 30:5

The other is "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." ~Jeremiah 29:11

I am a living testimony that God keeps His promises! Trust in Him - in the good and the bad - and your weeping will turn to joy! Never lose hope!

Bored boys :)

Jagger & Jack made an attempt to entertain the strangers next to us at our cousin's graduation.

I promise he was being quiet or I would have snatched him up!!

Happy boy!! And very rotten, I might add!

Another happy boy :)

Memorial Day

The wounds may heal, but the scars never go away.

Angel Addison

Have you ever felt like God was playing tricks on you? Do you ever feel that he's dangling a carrot in front of you, only to pull it away just as you think you can grab it? When outlooks are grim, we hold on to any glimmer of hope, and it's so disappointing when our hope is shattered.

Yesterday: She's going to be fine. Miracles are happening. She's making progress. We have hope.

Today: She has emergency surgery. Her intestines are beyond repair. There is nothing more that can be done. The family watches as they "keep her comfortable". She's gone.

I've been there when you just want to know "why". I've been there when everything looked like it was going to be "fine", only for the worst and most unexpected thing to happen. I've been there in the dark moments of loss, the shock, the emotional pain that makes you want to just die.

Today, my heart is so heavy for the Blair family today as they say good-bye to their precious 3-year-old daughter, Addison Jo. Since December, Addison has fought for her life against a rare cancer called neuroblastoma. Through her struggles and her story, Addison has touched thousands of people in our community, across the nation, and even in other countries. I am blessed to say that I have known Addison's family my whole life, and work with two of her aunts and one of her uncles. She is truly a hero in so many ways.

I ache for Addison's family - for her sweet, loving, and God-fearing parents; for her baby brother who will only know his big sister through stories and pictures; to both sets of loving grandparents who will grieve for themselves and for their children; for her aunts and uncles, cousins, and friends who were beyond blessed to know her, to love her, and to be loved by her. And for those people who were praying for her daily and supporting her in immeasurable ways. I am just sad.

Regardless of the pain, there is no doubt that God has used Addison in mighty ways, and I trust that He will continue to use Addison's family and her story in mighty ways.

When I get to heaven, I will be sure to ask God why he takes children. I want to know. Until then, I will find comfort in the fact that Addison, London, and all the other precious children who have gone before us, are running and playing and laughing and singing at Jesus' feet. I will trust that one day those questions will be answered, and that we will all hold our children again - with no cancer, no heart defects, no accidents or colds...just perfection and joy and bliss for an eternity.

For that - and even for that alone - I will praise the One who gave us our children in the first place. I will praise the One who shared our sweet angels with us - if only for a little while.

Visit Addison's Caring Bridge page at www.caringbridge.org/visit/addisonjoblair

Already???

My baby - I mean, my big boy - lost his first tooth! I can't believe he's already that big! He even pulled it himself!!

Do you know what the goin' rate for a tooth is these days? Well, Jagger's Papaw told him he should definitely get about $20 for that tooth! I wanted to get my dad for telling him that! The tooth fairy brought a whoppin' $5 because the first tooth is special! I think she was totally fair, and Jagger was totally happy with $5!!

He told me last night - as he was jumping as high as he could possibly jump on the bed - that "ever since he lost a tooth, he can jump way higher!!!"

It's amazing what losing a tooth will do for you!

Our Easter

We had a wonderful Easter! Church was just awesome, and we were humbled by the reminder of the sacrifice that Jesus made for us! Not only that, but thankful beyond words for his resurrection! I have never seen the entire "Passion of the Christ", but it was on TV last night, and I watched the end. Wow! And all I can think is He endured that for ME???

The boys had fun coloring eggs and hunting them. The sad part is that our weekend was so extremely stormy and rainy that I didn't even get a picture of the boys in their actual Easter outfits! We were running late for church, I didn't take my camera in church, and we were rushing to get out of the rain after church, and then once we got home, they were so not in picture taking moods!! Oh well...they looked sweet :)


Every egg had to be dipped into about every color...about 5 times each!


The messier the better! His fingers looked great with his outfit on Sunday!


The Easter Bunny fell asleep on Saturday night without meaning to, but thankfully he stopped by our house before the boys woke up!!! Whewww!!


After church, we had a family get-together at my uncle and aunt's house. It was also my mom's birthday on Sunday, so we had a lot to celebrate! As you can see, Jagger found a mud puddle (with his cousin, Jett), and they took full advantage!! They even "washed off" in the pond! That's good fun!!


Nothing a little soap and detergent can't fix :) They had a blast!!

Have a wonderful day! Until next time...

Just having a moment

As I look out my window this morning, it's dreary and raining. Maybe that's one reason why my mood is just down today. Maybe not. I think that the dreariness just adds to the real reason that my emotions have been more sensitive the past few days. I remember last year around this time, I struggled. Let's just put it this way...have you seen all the PINK around lately?? Easter is next week, and everywhere you go, it just oozes pink and flowers and girly and angelic and girly (did I say that already?). Don't get me wrong, the precious little boy Easter outfits are just as sweet, but you've got to admit, it's all about pink right now! I've said it a million times on this blog, but man...at these times, I just miss her so terribly. I just ache for her. I ache to choose the perfect Easter dress, prissy shoes, hair bow, the perfect Easter gift. I ache to see her in her dress between her two handsome brothers. I think about taking their pictures together...would they would be smiling sweetly for the camera? Would one be looking at me while another pulled her hair? Would she be pinching her brother because he looked at her wrong? :) I just think about those every day "life" things. Not just the perfect - everybody's happy - moments. But, the funny, brother/sister moments like loving one moment, arguing the next! Today, one of my very best friends is having a "Bunny Brunch" for her little girl's birthday. Is that not the sweetest idea? The boys are excited. It will be so precious. However, in this moment, I can't help but wish London could be here. Not that heaven doesn't compare to a Bunny Brunch (ha ha), but for me! I'm the one who's missing out. I wish I could see her face in moments like that. I wish I could pick out the most adorable outfit for the occasion. I'm just sad. Most of the time, I can look at London's pictures in our home, and I just pass by because I'm "fine", or I'll touch them and move on, or I'll simply grin and go about my business. Other times - like today - I just stare and notice every detail. I notice her little button nose, her chubby cheeks, her lips that look just like her brothers'. I look at her precious dark hair and think about the "wisp of hair" that I have in a tiny zip-lock bag in her special box upstairs - that the nurses gave us when she died. I know, I know...how sad and depressing. That's just where I am right now. Instead of thinking about what pretty arrangement I can buy for her grave this season, I instead have thought - this morning - about the moment at her funeral when I finally reached the car to leave, and Jonathan stood beside me and said, "I want to help them put her in the ground," and he stayed and helped lower her little white casket into the ground. He helped shovel the dirt onto the pink roses that remained. It's what felt "right" to him at that moment. I know what you're thinking...come on, Ashlee, that is just ridiculously sad!!! And I say...I know it is!! I'm just telling you where my thoughts have gone this morning. When I have moments like this (or a couple of days like this), those memories and thoughts and feelings just come back, and it's hard. Praise the Lord that feeling like this does not linger like it used to. It doesn't cripple me any more. Tomorrow - or even later on today - I will be fine. A good friend of mine who lost her brother to suicide once told me that those feelings are tucked away in her "pocket", and she keeps them there until she needs to pull them out again. That's a good way of thinking of it, in my opinion. The feelings are always right there, but I don't take them out all of the time. They're there if and when I need them. Even in the midst of struggling a bit, I can say that I've made gains lately...2, actually. The first gain was last week when I took pictures of my dear friends' little girls. I wanted their pictures to be just perfect. I brought props and had ideas for sweet little poses and settings. One of the props that I brought was an antique-green little rocking chair. That little chair has been in my parents' basement for the past 3 1/2 years under a blue tarp with all of the rest of London's things. Before, I wouldn't dare touch her things - and especially wouldn't use her things for another child (especially another little girl). Well...I did. I love my friend, and I love her girls, and it just felt right. Plus, it made for some sweet pictures! I was proud of myself for being able to take that step. The second gain that I made was that I used one of London's gift bags for a little girl gift. I still have every single gift bag that I received for my baby showers for London. They have not been touched. Well, until last night. I actually sorted through them and picked a precious little gift bag - a very pink, prissy one, I might add - for my friend's little girl. It tugged at my heart a bit, but I'm okay, and I'm not going to switch the bag! It's a small step, but a very big step for me. My point is that even though things trigger my grief and sadness - and always will, I'm sure - God continues to help me move forward, to make gains, to grow stronger. He continues to bless me, to give me comfort and strength and joy and happiness and peace. For that, I am so thankful! Okay, want to hear something funny? In a boys' world (that I'm in), here's a couple of funny things lately that the boys have done. Our babysitter asked Jack if he wanted to use the potty this week. She asked him because he was standing very still with a painful look as his face turned bright red!!! Hmmm...wonder what he was doing?!! His response to her - with a grunt- was "Nodda day (shaking his head 'no'), I poop my diapuh." Why would you choose to poop in your diaper instead of going to the potty?! In due time, I guess :) Jagger is totally into role play, and he loves the show Man vs. Wild with Bear Grylls -an extreme outdoorsman that has to survive in the most challenging environments. Anyway, he was playing on his swing set and hanging onto the slide as if he was holding on to a mountain and didn't want to fall thousands of feet below (like Bear Grylls). So, I was "narrating" in an English accent (because Bear is from England), and Jagger was just loving it. We had to do it over and over and over and over and over...okay, you get the point. Then, I noticed that he asked me again to "Nanavate". "Come on, Mommy, I want you to nanavate for me because I'm gonna pretend I'm jumping out of an airplane!" So, friends...the next time you hear of a narrator, you can just call it a "Nanavator"!! They crack me up! Until next time...