Please pray

When I began my blog, I felt like I had so much to share and so much to say. My heart is still so full, but it's not overflowing with grief like it used to. Don't get me wrong, I have a sadness in my heart for my precious baby girl that is yet to leave. In fact, I don't see it truly ever leaving. However, that sadness comes in brief waves and is - thankfully - more manageable now. I don't even cry very often now. Even when something upsets me or catches me off guard about London, I can usually just take a deep breath and recover rather quickly. Not always...but most of the time.

There are times when I allow myself to just think about the darkest moments of my life - moments like the ultrasound when we learned of London's diagnosis, the wretched appointment when we were told we could terminate the pregnancy, allow our baby to die, or have her endure 3 open heart surgeries; the nurse telling us the "unexpected complication" during London's surgery; the final shake of the head from the nurse that told us our baby was gone; seeing her precious, tiny white casket with pink roses sitting on a platform; and the silence and darkness that followed those moments. Oh, how it hurt. How I was paralyzed with grief, and how I felt that I couldn't possibly recover from the worst pain I could ever endure.

But...here I am, and I have survived. I never thought that I would, but God is good and He is faithful. He has brought us through the valley of the shadow of death, and He has been with us and restored our joy. On the other hand, there are those who are just entering the valley. There are those whose hearts have just been ripped apart; lives have been changed forever; and grief has consumed their entire being.

My heart has felt so burdened this week for a lady whom I used to go to church with - a beautiful, sweet lady named Heather. Heather was pregnant with her third child - a healthy little boy named Ethan. Heather was to be induced last Thursday. Her 2 children were looking forward to meeting their little brother, and the anticipation of new life was as wonderful as it could be. Until...the day of the induction, there was no heartbeat. That was it. It was over. All the planning, all the anticipation, all the excitement, dreams, plans, future...it was all over and destroyed. My heart has just ached for this sweet family. It makes me literally sick to think of going back to those first wretched, horrible days, and I am so sad that another family is having to endure the same thing. This family has a wonderful support system, they have their faith, but they do not have their precious baby boy. And, speaking from experience, when you've lost a piece of you that you nurtured for 9 months in your womb, felt kick and move, and grew to love more than life itself even before you ever saw them, not even the promise of heaven takes the pain away. So, I ask you...will you pray for this family? Will you pray that Heather and her family will have peace, comfort, strength, and faith.

We do not understand God's ways or his timing, but in moments like this, oh how I wish I could get a glimpse of what His plan is! I have learned that in these moments, we have to love him anyway - because He loves us. When you're mad, angry, hurting deeper than any human should, and you just want to know WHY...that's when all you can do is just trust him and love him. No, I didn't say agree with him or be chipper with him, necessarily. But...we should still go to him, tell him what we want to say - good, bad, ugly - because he knows anyway. He knows our pain. He knows we don't understand. But he's there and he loves us. He loves Heather and her family and he knows why this has happened - he sees the whole picture. So, will you pray for them? Thank you!

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween! Jagger had fun tonight at "trunk or treat" at church. He'll be on a sugar high for a week! Out of 4 new costumes that he got for his birthday - 2 transformers and 2 GI Joe men - he decided today that he wanted to be Batman again! That's what he wore last year. Oh well.
I bought Jack's costume last Halloween at Old Navy on clearance for $4.99! They only had a 3-6 months when I bought it, and he's crammed in it, but it works! We have laughed all day at him in this costume!! He's just too funny :) Enjoy a few pictures of my little dragon and Batman.

Hello again!

My goodness, it's been way too long since I've posted! Between vacation and sick little ones, keeping up with the blog has been difficult to do. Since I've posted last, we had a wonderful Fall Break and traveled to Gatlinburg, TN for 5 days. We stayed in a cabin in the Smokey Mountains, shopped, and ate too much, of course! This is the 4th year that our family of 4, my parents, both sisters and brother-in-law have gone together to Gatlinburg, and yes...we've managed to actually have fun and get along without feeding anyone to the bears all 4 times :) We did see a total of 3 bears this trip! One was right in the back yard of the cabin, walked around to the front and tried to get into our trash. It was so cute! Alaena and Jagger saw one as they walked up the street. Jagger spotted it first, and Alaena was certain it was going to chase them and eat them whole. They made it back in one piece! Then, Afton and Dad saw one while they drove into town one night. Very exciting :)

On the day we came home, Jack had a temperature of 102.5! I, the infamous worry wart, freaked out and was certain something was "bad wrong" with him. The doctor could squeeze him in at 6pm - thank goodness - and the poor little guy had the flu and strep throat! Either of those things are hard on an adult, and he's only 7 months old! But, with some medicine and lots of (well, even more than usual) attention from mommy and daddy, he was fine and is back to his wild little self now. I do think he's a bit more spoiled now! Since our trip, Afton, Dad, Mom and Jack have had the flu! I am still holding out...I refuse to get sick!

Grandmother and Granddad came up and kept the boys on Monday when we had to return to work, and the boys had so much fun. Granddad and Jagger went to a little country store in our town for lunch - just the two of them, and Grandmother just carted Jack around all day! She even managed to cook for us and clean up Jagger's messy playroom. There's just something about Grandmother and Granddad! First of all, Grandmother could run circles around me...she never stops! They are ALWAYS there when we need them, they bend over backwards to help us, and they show such love and support to us and our boys. We are so blessed to have them!

This week, I started a team for the American Heart Association Heart Walk in honor of London. It's one small thing that we can do to honor our baby girl, so I look forward to that. On the other hand, it's very difficult to face the reality that this is in "memory" of London. I know it's been 2 years, but my goodness, I still have such difficult days. Time keeps passing, and London is still a newborn to me. I mean, Jack is already almost 8 months old - so much older than his "big" sister. It's just strange and difficult sometimes.

On the other hand, God just continues to use our precious boys to bless us more than I could ever imagine. Jagger cracks us up every day and comes off with the most hilarious sayings. Oh, and he's starting to get a little bit "annoyed" by his baby brother! I was just oblivious to the fact that they may actually act like "brothers" eventually, but it's happening sooner than I thought. Jagger still adores Jack, but Jack is starting to grab his things, pull his hair, grab and bite his finger if it gets anywhere close. You know, he's just being the little brother! I love it, though. It's funny when Jagger gets a little put out with him. I love the fact that Jagger is able to be a big brother and have a sibling to be grumpy with! Jack is sitting up all the time, blowing his food everywhere, saying momma, da da da, bubba, and bye bye. He's giving the yummy open-mouth kisses, too! It's so precious.

Well, I guess I'm back up to date now. I've attached some pictures of the past few weeks.

We got to enjoy this view all week in Gatlinburg!

There it is!!

Jonathan, Jagger, Me and Jack in "The Village" in Gatlinburg

Bryan, Alaena, Jonathan, Jagger, Me, Jack, Mom, Dad, Afton

Isn't that crazy?!

You can't go to Gatlinburg without getting an airbrushed shirt! He chose Ben 10. Jack was having loads of fun, as you can tell!


Sweet smiles, huh?


Jagger had fun scooping out the "guts" of his jack-o-lanterns

My sweet boys and one humbling moment...

Can you see Jack's 2 bottom toofers? He knows how to use them, too! Ouch :)

Not only does he have teeth, he's learning to sit on his own. How did he get this big already?

He's so proud of himself!

Okay...let me explain!!! The other day, Jagger was looking for a random toy, and while I helped him search, I got the grand idea of dumping all of his toy boxes/crates/buckets...you name it...because it needed to be organized anyway (and I got a little frustrated, too)! What was I thinking? Then, of ALL nights, we got a call that our realtor was going to show our house the NEXT day!!! Ughhhh...so guess what I did all night!

This picture tells a story to me - a special story. Last week, my sister (who is a high school teacher) handed me a folded hand-written note from one of her students - who happens to be one of my former students as well. She was always one of my favorites; she stood out because of her sweet spirit, kind heart and hard work ethic. But as a teacher, I was also drawn to her because gave so much at school yet had so very little at home. She was one whom I would have loved to fix up, take shopping, give her a makeover...you know what I mean? She had so much to overcome, and I just loved her.

Well, to my surprise, she had mentioned in her note how cute she thought Jagger and Jack were (Alaena has shown her pictures) and she wanted to give them something. At this point, Alaena had pulled two hats from behind her back that this student had asked her to give to Jagger and Jack. As Alaena handed me the hats, I noticed immediately that they were both old, worn, and dirty, and immediately I was humbled because I realized that this was all that she had to give.

There were no fancy tags to tear off, no pretty packaging - just 2 hats that she wanted my boys to have as their gift from her.

I was just in awe and so very humbled when I received this gift. Not to mention that Jagger was so excited! He LOVED his new UK hat, and it didn't matter to him in the least that it wasn't brand new. It was a gift, and he was so excited. I washed the hats when we got home, and now they're as good as new...and pretty cute, too.

This reminded me that God truly can use anything and anyone to teach me a lesson and bless my heart. This little girl blessed my heart with her selflessness. If only we all had that kind of spirit. The greatest gifts are not the most expensive ones.

Happy 4th Birthday, Jagger!

Well, I'm two weeks behind in posting pictures of my big boy's 4th birthday! Jagger turned 4 on Labor Day, and since it was a long weekend, we partied ALL weekend. On Friday night, we literally had about 16 kids at our house, a bouncy castle, and they were all HIGH on cake, candy and ice cream! It was WILD!! On Jagger's actual birthday, his Grandmommy cooked and had him a "pirate" party. She even decorated a pirate cake. I can't believe he's already 4! Here are some pictures...

We had a Transformer party this year, and Mimi and Poppy got Jagger this "Bumblebee" transformer suit!

Boys....gotta love 'em!

Did I mention about 16 kids, a bouncy castle, cake, ice cream and candy???

Jagger and his pirate cake...on his "real" birthday :)

The "fatness" as we like to call him...Jagger was cracking up at this! Jack now has 2 teeth on the bottom. He's a big boy!