More journal entries (November 2007)

I've tried to pick out journal entries that really reflect the day-to-day struggles I have experienced after losing London. The ones I've attached today reflect on the first time (and only time I might add) that I watched our video of London. I'm almost scared to watch it again. I guess, in time, I will have the desire and the guts to watch it again. I also am sharing the time that I finally explained to Jagger where his baby sister was. Since I have begun this blog, I've read my journal for the first time all the way through. I've been amazed at how far I have come. Some days, I also find myself reading my journal with tears streaming down my face because I remember how I felt back then. I am so thankful that - although I still have my tough grief moments - those intense, gut-wrenching feelings of grief are now behind me - for the most part, anyway.

November 8, 2007 (Thursday)
I watched our personal video of London. I was somewhat scared to actually push Play, but I was ready to see it. As I watched from her birthday until just before her surgery, I just cried and smiled at the same time. It showed her grunting, crying, being still, being active, and lying in her mommy’s arms. It showed her little feet and hands, chubby cheeks, and pretty dark hair. I will cherish it forever.

November 9, 2007 (Friday)
I made another advancement in my healing. I actually printed a picture of London and put it on my desk at work. I smile when I see it, and I am so proud that she was my daughter. Gosh, she was so pretty. How I wish I could nestle my nose in her little fat neck crease! I yearn to experience all of those precious moments with London that I experienced (and continue to experience) with Jagger. Her picture is right beside the family picture of me, Jonathan and Jagger.

Friday evening, Jagger was going up his stairs in his room and I mentioned that he could go in his playroom while Mommy folded clothes. Out of the blue, he said, “That not Yundun’s room, mommy?” “That not Yundun’s room?” This caught me off guard because he had not mentioned London in quite some time. I guess you can say that I have healed a bit because, instead of changing the subject, I decided to explain where London was. We went in his playroom (London’s room), and I sat down beside him. I said, “Jagger, do you remember when baby London was in Mommy’s belly?” He shook his head yes, and said “Is baby Yundun at the doctor, Mommy?” I quickly realized that he definitely did not forget. It had been nearly 8 weeks, and he still remembered that she was at the doctor. I followed his statement with, “No, honey, baby London is in Heaven with Jesus and Nana and Papaw Key.” Jagger replied, “I want to see Heaven. I want to see baby Yundun in Heaven, Mommy.” Although every little statement was breaking my heart, I remained strong and continued to explain. I said, “Jagger, you will get to see baby London in Heaven some day. Baby London was sick, so Jesus wanted her to come to Heaven so that she would feel better. Now she isn’t sick any more.” With that, he shook his head “yes” as if to say he understood, and then he went on playing. Oh, thank goodness he’s only 2 and that was all I had to explain. I guess I can say that I was proud that I was able to explain without crying. I guess that means that I’m better than I was 8 weeks ago, or even 4 weeks ago for that matter.

November 13, 2007 (Tuesday)
Remember how I said that moments come very randomly and usually catch me off guard? Well, that happened last night. Alaena called and wanted to talk to Jagger, so I said, “Jagger, do you want to talk to Laena?” I guess he thought I said London because he looked up and said, “London’s here?” “Mommy, I talk to London?” He’s starting to use his L’s, so her name came out correctly. It put a pit in my stomach because he said it with such excitement. I know he wants to see London, and I can’t fix that. I’m a mommy, and it’s my job to be able to fix things. I’m completely helpless with this. Anyway, I stopped and said, “No, baby, it’s Aunt Laena. Do you remember where baby London is? He smiled and said, “With Jesus.” At that moment I tucked my head, walked to the other room and just cried. How sweet that my 2-year-old understands that his little sister is safe in the arms of Jesus. On the other hand, how devastating that he wants his little sister, but knows that he can’t see her. This made me emotional, but I just had to deal with it. Nothing about this experience is easy…nothing! There are days that aren’t quite as raw as others, but every day is simply a challenge to endure.