Can I vent?

Life is hard. Yes, losing a child, grieving...all of those things are obviously hard. What I mean today, though, is life - in general - just day to day life...is hard! If you know me or if you've read my blog, you know that I have always struggled with worry and anxiety. I'm not proud of it. In fact, I hate it! But...it's something that is very hard for me to overcome. Plus, I get it honest from both sides of my family (unfortunately). I admit that I take medication for my anxiety...Zoloft to be exact. I'm not ashamed! I need it!

Here are some things that are just bothering me right now. First of all, sometimes it just gets overwhelming when you feel like all of the news is bad, sad,...just plain depressing. Just this weekend, I heard of two more people who committed suicide (a friend of a friend, and a relative of a friend). Then, one of our students here at school was so upset because his 7-year-old cousin was diagnosed with cancer. A man who my family has known for years died. Jagger and Jack are sick, and you know I worry about them. Since losing London, I have this intense fear of losing another child (bad thought, I know). Jonathan left today for 3 days on a school field trip. Then, add a couple of personal problems with family in the mix, and it makes life just a big, bitter pill to swallow.

Is it ever just too much for you? I have found that my anxiety is just through the roof lately. Instead of just saying, "oh, that's sad," I tend to internalize bad news and let it manifest into huge worries! For instance, hearing about the 7-year-old who has cancer made me imagine what in the world I would do if Jagger or Jack had cancer. Or...if I hear of someone who dies of a brain tumor, I find myself worrying at any slight headache I might have! That's what I mean! It's ridiculous, I know. Plus, I have been reminded of London a lot the past few days. Jagger is starting to mention her more. It's a good thing in one sense because I want him to have the freedom to talk about her whenever he wants. However, it hurts! Then, we went to a cookout this past weekend, and there was a little girl there who was born the same month as London. She had a precious outfit on, big hair bow, and was running around, babbling, etc. It's still so hard to imagine what London would look like now. Would I really be chasing her already?! I mean, she will always be a "newborn" to me. It's very difficult to be reminded of what I never had...and never will have. I'm sorry to be down or depressed, but my blog is my journal now, so I am just saying exactly how I feel.

I have found myself looking at the many inspirational sayings and Bible verses that are taped above my desk. Most of them were emails and devotionals that I read during the hardest times in my life. As I have yet another hard day (or hard few days), I can find some comfort in this one..."Though now for a little while, you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may prove genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." (1 Peter 1:6-7)

In the midst of my fears, my anxiety, my disappointments, my grief, my suffering - I know God loves me and he is in control. When life seems to be spiraling out of control around me, God is constant and I can rest in his presence. Another one of my papers taped above my desk says this, and boy isn't it true..."Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34) After all, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday!

I try to be a fixer, and it's emotionally draining when there's a million problems around me, and I can't "fix" them. That's when I have no choice but to lay it all down before my God. What would I possibly do if I didn't have that option? I cannot imagine! One of the biggest spiritual lessons I have learned is this: knowing God as my savior does not mean that I will not have problems in life (obviously!), but it does mean that He will be with me and will help me through the problems, and I will never face the problems alone. For that, I am thankful. Thanks for letting me vent.