Letter to London

On the previous journal entries I posted, I mentioned that I had gone to a counselor, and she told me to write London a letter. It was very difficult to do, and it is still difficult to read without getting choked up. My counselor told me, when I felt like it, to go to her grave and read it to her. It took quite a while to find the strength to do that, but I did. It wasn't easy, but I suppose it allowed me to release feelings of sadness and grief, and it allowed me to "tell" London things I never got to tell her.

December 31, 2007

Dear my precious London,

How are you, angel? I know that you are doing wonderful in the presence of Jesus. How is heaven? I can’t wait to experience all the amazing joys of heaven with you some day. London, although I ache to have you here with me, it’s so comforting to know that some day, we really will be together. I will get to hold you and rock you and laugh with you, and even more than I can fathom with my limited imagination.

The past 3 ½ months have been more difficult than I ever dreamed. To be honest, I never imagined life without you. I truly felt that you would be here with us for your first Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, and so on. It’s somewhat fitting that I finally get the strength to write you on this final day of 2007. There is so much that I want you to know, London.

First of all, I want you to know how much your Daddy and I love you and miss you. You were our perfect, precious, and only daughter. You brought such joy into our lives for the 9 months that I carried you until the moment you went home to be with Jesus. You were so beautiful. Your cry and grunts were sounds that I will always cherish and remember – not with sadness, but with gratefulness and a smile. London, you were everything and more that we could have asked for in our baby girl. You were so perfect, and I know that God gave you to us to embrace and to love for a lifetime. Yes, I feel that your life here on earth was far too short. I’m very selfish in that respect. I wish that we had more time. I wish that you were here with Daddy, Jagger, and me. However, that wasn’t our Father’s plan. I don’t understand His plan, but I know that you never were without love, London. You had love in my womb, love in my arms, and love in the Father’s arms – where you will always be.

Life without you has not been easy. I’ve had moments, days and even weeks when I could do nothing but grieve your absence. The weeks, however, turned to days; and the days have since turned to moments. I have found peace in knowing that you are with God, that you are safe, and that I had you for two days. Again, it wasn’t enough for me, but I am so thankful that I had you for that long. I would do it over and over again just to see your face and hear your voice and feel your precious body.

You were, are, and forever will be our first daughter - a blessing that none other can ever match. You will always be Jagger’s little sister – one whom he anticipated for so long, was so excited for, and now one whom he misses and grieves for in his own way. London, I would be lying if I told you I’m not sad, although I don’t want to upset you. I am so sad that you’re not here. It is a loss that I will forever have in my heart. However, the love and the blessings that I have gained from you have changed me. They have made me appreciate the ones I love more than ever; it has made me recognize the blessings of life and the fact that God is in control; it has made me realize that I should never take anything for granted.

In your memory, your daddy and I had your name forever imprinted on our wrists with small tattoos. Daddy had your footprints tattooed on his arm. Your feet were so precious…so little and sweet, and every time we see them on Daddy’s arm, we smile and remember how they felt in the palm of our hands. I bought a beautiful frame and placed in it the picture of you in the pink dress that I wore home from the hospital when I was your size. Your picture is hanging at the center of our living room, where we spend most of our time. I look at your picture so many times a day and have been able to smile instead of cry. I know that with time the tears will not overcome the joy and the smiles that you bring to my heart. Thankfully, that transformation has begun, slowly but surely. We sent Christmas cards with a picture of you and Jagger on them. Everyone has mentioned how beautiful and precious you were.

London, as I begin this new year, I have a heavy heart, but a heart that has hope. Last Sunday, your Poppy preached a sermon at our church on Jesus coming to earth with a purpose. He came as a precious baby, just like you, but his purpose was to die a brutal death to save the world. It reminds me so much of your coming. You came to earth from Heaven as a precious baby, but your purpose was to change so many lives in the short time you were here. Unfortunately, God did not send you for a long lifetime. He gave us a taste of Heaven when he sent you. You lived a perfect life, and no one on this earth can say that for themselves, including me. I am so proud of you, and I will always be proud of you. When I look at your pictures, I’m proud. When I talk about you, I’m proud. When I share your story, I’m proud.

A lifetime may ease the pain, but it will never take away your footprints on my heart and the hearts of Daddy, Jagger and your grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. Thank you, London, for coming to our family and into our hearts. Thank you for the love you gave, and the strength and courage that you showed. Thank you for changing me and for doing me a favor in being my daughter. We place you on a pedestal in our home and in our hearts, London. Know that we adore you, and always will. Know that, more than anything, we have become better people because of you, and we look forward to our homecoming – a homecoming in which we will never, ever say goodbye. I love you, baby.

Love with all my heart,
Mommy