Journal Entries - January 2008

January 28, 2008 (Monday)
It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve written…too long, really. Actually, I feel that I’m doing better, so I suppose I haven’t had as much baggage to write about lately. Since I wrote on 1/14, we chose London’s headstone, and we were able to get what we truly wanted for her. We went to Bluegrass Monuments in E-Town and ordered a pink granite heart with her name, dates, and the following statements on it: Jonathan and Ashlee’s precious daughter; Jagger’s little sister; Two days in our arms – forever in our hearts.

It’s amazing how much relief I felt after getting that over with. It was a good feeling to know that we have overcome that part of our “closure”, and it feels like we are honoring London with a beautiful memorial.

I have been reading a book recommended by Bonnie French (my therapist) called Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. It has been great for my outlook lately. My grief is doing okay, but I’m really trying to get my anxiety under control. That is something that not only affects my daily life; it also affects my grief. I just can’t let it control me any more, and I’m truly working very hard at helping myself. I’m only half-way through the book, so I’m hoping it will continue to be an encouragement for me.

One thing that Bonnie mentioned at my last visit was that I tend to talk about “death” a lot when I describe my anxiety. I mention who has died, who is sick, etc. a lot, and she told me to think about why I do that. That kind of stunned me at first because I don’t consider myself a gloom and doom person. However, I guess she’s right. So much of my anxiety comes from fears of illness, car wrecks, and death in general. Why do I do that? I discussed it with Jonathan, and I think I have an idea. First of all, for the past few years, I’ve been around death of loved ones – first my Papaw’s battle with cancer and his death, then Nana’s battle with cancer and her death, then London’s diagnosis, a dear church friend’s sudden heart attack and death, London’s surgery and death, and some illnesses/deaths in between. That’s natural, I guess, for an anxious person to focus on death if it’s been a part of life for a while. However, what else? There has to be another reason. Here’s where my deep thinking came in. I think I’ve found why I have always fretted over illnesses and situations that ultimately lead to death. Control. I said it…control. Death is something that I have absolutely NO control over, whatsoever. After my 4 sessions with Bonnie, I have come to realize what a control freak and perfectionist that I am. I truly think part of it is that it can happen without my control, and that scares me! Hopefully, with time and effort, I will improve in this area.

January 31, 2008 (Thursday)
Last night I had a thought that brought tears to my eyes. I was reading Guess How Much I Love You to Jagger (the one I read to London), and for some reason I began thinking of London’s cry. When I usually think of her, it’s like in pictures. I think of me holding her, what she looked like, etc., but I don’t usually think of the sounds she made. Last night, for some reason, it was so real to me. I thought of how her cry sounded, and how her little tongue would lift to the roof of her mouth when she cried. I could see her little gums…everything. She hated having her diaper changed. She would cry big-time when that happened. That’s about the only time she would cry. But, I could hear her. I can still hear her. It’s not a devastating thought, but it’s sort of new to me in the sense of grieving. I miss that. I didn’t hear enough of it, so I catch myself grieving her sounds. I’m okay…it didn’t bring me down like it used to, but it made me yearn for her once again.