Journal Entries - January 2007

I understand that many of my journal entries will not apply to just anyone, but my hope is that someone reading them might be able to say, "Man, I feel the same way" or "I thought I was crazy, but I'm not..." That is why I've chosen to share many random entries from my journal. Here are two more - exactly as they were written back then.


January 7, 2008 (Monday)
A lot has happened since I wrote on Dec. 26. First of all, we had a calm, quiet New Years at Billy and Lou’s house. We played cards, and it was fun. Unfortunately, Dad was put in the hospital on New Years Eve for his gall bladder. Mom rang in the new year at HMH with dad! He had surgery on Wednesday, 1/2/08, and all went well. He had his gall bladder removed. He’s still moving slow, but getting better every day.

I also went to Keith Monument over the break and got a draft picture of London’s headstone. I wasn’t happy with the way it turned out, so we’ll keep thinking of ideas for it. I want it to be simple, yet perfect for her. I didn’t get upset going in there – not like I thought that I would. I think it will be a good sense of closure to get that over with.

On January 4, I had to go to Dr. Henderson’s office for an annual check-up. It was the first time I’d been there since my 6-week postpartum checkup. Man was it rough! I thought I would be fine…I mean, it’s been 16 weeks since London died, and 10 weeks since I’ve been to Dr. Henderson’s office. Unfortunately, there’s something about that place that just gives me the creeps now. I hope that the feeling will fade with time, but it was awful. I waited for about 30 minutes in the waiting room. In that time, I saw about 10 or more pregnant women, 3 who had either had their ultrasound or were going to have their ultrasound. One of the women sparked a conversation with me, and she has an 18 month old little boy and was finding out that day what she was having this time. It was like having my situation thrown up in my face again. Plus, the memories of having my first ultrasound with London are just brutal. That feeling of finding out that something was wrong was just sickening…literally. I won’t even go there.

Anyway, so I finally made it into the room, and the moment came for them to check my blood pressure. Oh help me…I knew it would be up, but oh my gosh. It was 160/98!!! The nurse said, “Honey, your heart’s about to come out of your chest.” I began to cry…partially out of just letting my feelings out, but also because I was nervous that my blood pressure was so high. The nurse was very sweet and told me that it’s anxiety and that it’s nothing to worry about.

Dr. Henderson came in eventually and gave me a big hug. She’s always so positive and understanding. We discussed a lot of things, and she was encouraging for me. She always makes me laugh at some point in the visit, too, which is nice. Anyway, she let me leave out the side door so I wouldn’t have to go through the waiting room. She’s so sweet and considerate. Alma was there, too, and we talked. She understands that I have a phobia of the Ob/Gyn office now! The entire day after leaving Dr. H’s office was very hard for me. I cried all day after that. I hadn’t had a day like that in a while, so it was emotionally draining for me.

When I went home, Jagger wanted me to read to him “Nutbrown Hare”, which is really Guess How Much I Love You, and it’s the only book that I read to London. I read it to him all the time, but on that day, I just couldn’t get the words out without sobbing. My feelings of sadness were all too real. I couldn’t hide the tears from Jagger, so when he asked if I was “tryin”, I was honest and told him, “Mommy is sad because I miss baby London.” It was so sweet how he reacted because he simply put his arm around my neck and said, “I make you happy, Mommy.” He wanted to take care of me, and his precious little gesture did bring joy to my heart. I am so blessed by him. I told him how happy he makes me, and I was able to gain the strength to continue reading to him.

January 14, 2008 (Monday)
I’ve had a rough weekend. First of all, the weather is just dreary, rainy and depressing. But, more than that, I’ve just been sad. Yesterday before church, I was fixing Jagger eggs. As I stood at the stove, he sat at the kitchen table. Out of nowhere, he said, “Mommy, I supposed to have a sister?” I looked at him and said, “What, honey?” He simply smiled and said “baby London’s my sister.” I calmly replied, “Yes, baby London was your sister. Do you remember what happened to baby London?” This is our dialogue from here…
Jagger: “Her’s at the doctor cuz her’s sick.”
Me: “She was at the doctor, but she’s not there anymore. Do you remember where she is?
Jagger: “In heaven with Jesus.”
Me: “That’s right. She had something wrong with her heart, and the doctors tried to fix it, but they couldn’t fix it. Her heart didn’t work, so she died and went to heaven with Jesus.” My eyes were welling up with tears at this point, but I wanted him to feel comfortable talking about her if he wanted to, so I let him continue.
Jagger: “Did the nurse give her a shot? They fix her heart, Mommy?”
Me: “They tried, baby, but they couldn’t.” I noticed his desire to “fix” her, and I began to cry.
Jagger: “They can give her a new heart, Mommy.”
Me: “I wish they could honey. She has a new heart in heaven.”
Jagger: “Can we go see her sometime, Mommy? Sometime, can we? I play with baby London. I give her a passy, and she’ll spit it out! She’s toot.”
Me: At this point, I was bawling. All I could say was, “I wish you could, honey. Is that what you would do with baby London?”
Jagger: His bright blue eyes lit up as he shook his head yes.
Me: “Maybe some day Daddy and Mommy will have another baby. Would you like that?”
Jagger: “Baby London come out of your belly, mommy? You have baby London?”
Me: I explained that baby London is in heaven and if we had another baby, it would be a different baby. By then, I just couldn’t take it. It was way too painful. Bless his heart, he wanted to understand, but it was just too much for him. My heart breaks that he wants his little sister here. What about the passy comment? It just shows how he imagines playing with her. It breaks my heart. I was crying and I told him that Mommy was crying because I’m sad that baby London isn’t here. I wish she were here with us. Jagger simply said, “Can I eat my eggs in the TV room and watch wah-toons?” I said yes, and the conversation was over. That’s when I’m thankful that he’s only 2.

Jonathan and I decided to go to the 11:00 service together. Man, am I glad that I went. Dr. Robert Smith was there. He’s a black minister who preached a revival at Gilead 10 years ago. He’s a professor at a seminary in Burmingham, AL now. Anyway, all I can say is WOW! He was so amazing, and I feel that I’ve been revived…truly. His words were none less than God’s words. His message was so strong and aimed at me! Actually, it was aimed at the entire church. It was entitled, “Groaning to Glory” and he talked about how we go through things that make us “groan”, but in the end, we’re heading for “glory”. He mentioned that when situations are such that we don’t have words to say – when the emotions are so strong that words can’t do it justice, God interceded for us with “groans and sighs” as he relays our prayers to the Father. How powerful. I needed that. Dr. Smith prayed for Jonathan and I at the end of the service and it was very touching. I feel that God was really speaking to us all day yesterday.

Ryan Todd came by the house (I was gone) and talked to Jonathan for a while. He brought a video of a preacher who experienced heaven during an accident. Ryan told Jonathan that he just felt God had led him there and he wanted to share that. Then, last night, he called our house and he and Jonathan talked for a long time. Afterwards, I could tell that Jonathan felt good. Ryan shared with Jonathan that God had told him to tell Jonathan that, “She’s okay. She’s in heaven with him, and she’s fine, and you will see her again. You’re going to be okay.”

Ever since London died, Jonathan has said that he’s going to have to hear an “audible voice” from God before he can move on. That was his determination coming out. He was determined that the only way he would move on is if God spoke to him directly! I could tell last night that Jonathan felt that this was his “audible voice”. He said, “You know, Ash, I know God works through people, and I think He worked through Ryan to tell me that.” I knew at that moment that Jonathan had peace. Thank you, God!

Another “God” thing that happened was that I went to Dollar General on my way home last night. As I was paying, the lady in front of me looked familiar. It was Rhonda Shrader. Rhonda lost her little girl, Arlie, 4 years ago and even sent me a card when London died. She has a salon in Upton by Jagger’s daycare. Anyway, we said hi to each other and once we realized who the other was, we just began talking and talking. We shared stories for about 20 minutes, and she hugged me 3 times. She was so thoughtful in sharing how she felt when she lost Arlie, how she and her husband grieved differently, and how they were able to eventually move on. She mentioned that she still has days when she’ll cry over Arlie. She told me that she’s there for me if I ever want to talk. I just really appreciated her concern and her willingness to listen and share her story, not to mention her encouragement. It was nice.

God is good. I’ve seen that throughout all of this, but He was really working in my life yesterday. I’m very thankful that I can see His hand in so many things – in the midst of my grief. Today is better. I know it’s one day at a time.