January 28, 2008 (Monday)
It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve written…too long, really. Actually, I feel that I’m doing better, so I suppose I haven’t had as much baggage to write about lately. Since I wrote on 1/14, we chose London’s headstone, and we were able to get what we truly wanted for her. We went to Bluegrass Monuments in E-Town and ordered a pink granite heart with her name, dates, and the following statements on it: Jonathan and Ashlee’s precious daughter; Jagger’s little sister; Two days in our arms – forever in our hearts.
It’s amazing how much relief I felt after getting that over with. It was a good feeling to know that we have overcome that part of our “closure”, and it feels like we are honoring London with a beautiful memorial.
I have been reading a book recommended by Bonnie French (my therapist) called Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. It has been great for my outlook lately. My grief is doing okay, but I’m really trying to get my anxiety under control. That is something that not only affects my daily life; it also affects my grief. I just can’t let it control me any more, and I’m truly working very hard at helping myself. I’m only half-way through the book, so I’m hoping it will continue to be an encouragement for me.
One thing that Bonnie mentioned at my last visit was that I tend to talk about “death” a lot when I describe my anxiety. I mention who has died, who is sick, etc. a lot, and she told me to think about why I do that. That kind of stunned me at first because I don’t consider myself a gloom and doom person. However, I guess she’s right. So much of my anxiety comes from fears of illness, car wrecks, and death in general. Why do I do that? I discussed it with Jonathan, and I think I have an idea. First of all, for the past few years, I’ve been around death of loved ones – first my Papaw’s battle with cancer and his death, then Nana’s battle with cancer and her death, then London’s diagnosis, a dear church friend’s sudden heart attack and death, London’s surgery and death, and some illnesses/deaths in between. That’s natural, I guess, for an anxious person to focus on death if it’s been a part of life for a while. However, what else? There has to be another reason. Here’s where my deep thinking came in. I think I’ve found why I have always fretted over illnesses and situations that ultimately lead to death. Control. I said it…control. Death is something that I have absolutely NO control over, whatsoever. After my 4 sessions with Bonnie, I have come to realize what a control freak and perfectionist that I am. I truly think part of it is that it can happen without my control, and that scares me! Hopefully, with time and effort, I will improve in this area.
January 31, 2008 (Thursday)
Last night I had a thought that brought tears to my eyes. I was reading Guess How Much I Love You to Jagger (the one I read to London), and for some reason I began thinking of London’s cry. When I usually think of her, it’s like in pictures. I think of me holding her, what she looked like, etc., but I don’t usually think of the sounds she made. Last night, for some reason, it was so real to me. I thought of how her cry sounded, and how her little tongue would lift to the roof of her mouth when she cried. I could see her little gums…everything. She hated having her diaper changed. She would cry big-time when that happened. That’s about the only time she would cry. But, I could hear her. I can still hear her. It’s not a devastating thought, but it’s sort of new to me in the sense of grieving. I miss that. I didn’t hear enough of it, so I catch myself grieving her sounds. I’m okay…it didn’t bring me down like it used to, but it made me yearn for her once again.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Memorial Day Weekend
Jack and Papaw watching T.V.
What's wrong with this picture?!
We had a good, long Memorial Day weekend. We visited Jonathan's mom and grandparents, Jagger helped Grandmother pick strawberries, and they rode the four-wheeler on the farm. Yesterday for Memorial Day, we visited London's grave, and were surprised to see that Mom had planted a beautiful pink rose bush next to her stone, and she decorated the wreath on the angel. Jagger helped us clean London's stone and he took pride in making it look really pretty. I was surprised at how well he did this time. I rarely bring Jagger to the cemetery because he gets emotional, which in turn, makes me emotional. However, he did really well yesterday and enjoyed visiting his sister's special place.
We had a good, long Memorial Day weekend. We visited Jonathan's mom and grandparents, Jagger helped Grandmother pick strawberries, and they rode the four-wheeler on the farm. Yesterday for Memorial Day, we visited London's grave, and were surprised to see that Mom had planted a beautiful pink rose bush next to her stone, and she decorated the wreath on the angel. Jagger helped us clean London's stone and he took pride in making it look really pretty. I was surprised at how well he did this time. I rarely bring Jagger to the cemetery because he gets emotional, which in turn, makes me emotional. However, he did really well yesterday and enjoyed visiting his sister's special place.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Making a splash!
Yesterday, Jagger got in Mom and Dad's pool for the first time this year. He had a blast...and a major meltdown when it was time to get out!
Afton & Jagger
Papaw, Jagger, Jack, & Afton
Jack's first reaction to the water! Surprise, surprise :) He did actually like it after a while!
Jagger's phrase for the day was "COWABUNGA!!!" as he did little cannon balls off the steps!
Afton & Jagger
Papaw, Jagger, Jack, & Afton
Jack's first reaction to the water! Surprise, surprise :) He did actually like it after a while!
Jagger's phrase for the day was "COWABUNGA!!!" as he did little cannon balls off the steps!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
I will rejoice and be glad in it...
I got Jack a "Bumbo" seat at Target, and it's hilarious to see him sitting straight up like a little old man. He's not too excited about it because it's hard work for him to keep his head still!
I was reading my devotional this morning, and it was like God placed it on the exact page where I needed it! I have been kind of down lately, anxious, stressed...but, this is exactly what I needed to read this morning, and I am reminded of God's goodness and His gifts! I thought I'd share.
What Do You Expect?
This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118:24)
What do you expect from the day ahead? Are you expecting God to do wonderful things, or are you living beneath a cloud of apprehension and doubt? Do you expect God to use you in unexpected ways, or do you expect another uneventful day to pass with little fanfare? As a thoughtful believer, the answer to these questions should be obvious.
For Christians, every new day offers exciting possibilities. God's Word promises that Christ has come to this earth to give us abundant life and eternal salvation. We, in turn, should respond to God's gifts by treasuring each day and using our time here on earth to glorify our Creator and share the Good News of His Son.
Each day is a special gift from God, a treasure to be savored and celebrated. May we - as believers who have so much to celebrate - never fail to praise our Creator by rejoicing in His glorious creation.
When your life comes to a close, you will remember not days but moments. Treasure each one. ~ Barbara Johnston
Have a good day!!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Journal Entries - January 2007
I understand that many of my journal entries will not apply to just anyone, but my hope is that someone reading them might be able to say, "Man, I feel the same way" or "I thought I was crazy, but I'm not..." That is why I've chosen to share many random entries from my journal. Here are two more - exactly as they were written back then.
January 7, 2008 (Monday)
A lot has happened since I wrote on Dec. 26. First of all, we had a calm, quiet New Years at Billy and Lou’s house. We played cards, and it was fun. Unfortunately, Dad was put in the hospital on New Years Eve for his gall bladder. Mom rang in the new year at HMH with dad! He had surgery on Wednesday, 1/2/08, and all went well. He had his gall bladder removed. He’s still moving slow, but getting better every day.
I also went to Keith Monument over the break and got a draft picture of London’s headstone. I wasn’t happy with the way it turned out, so we’ll keep thinking of ideas for it. I want it to be simple, yet perfect for her. I didn’t get upset going in there – not like I thought that I would. I think it will be a good sense of closure to get that over with.
On January 4, I had to go to Dr. Henderson’s office for an annual check-up. It was the first time I’d been there since my 6-week postpartum checkup. Man was it rough! I thought I would be fine…I mean, it’s been 16 weeks since London died, and 10 weeks since I’ve been to Dr. Henderson’s office. Unfortunately, there’s something about that place that just gives me the creeps now. I hope that the feeling will fade with time, but it was awful. I waited for about 30 minutes in the waiting room. In that time, I saw about 10 or more pregnant women, 3 who had either had their ultrasound or were going to have their ultrasound. One of the women sparked a conversation with me, and she has an 18 month old little boy and was finding out that day what she was having this time. It was like having my situation thrown up in my face again. Plus, the memories of having my first ultrasound with London are just brutal. That feeling of finding out that something was wrong was just sickening…literally. I won’t even go there.
Anyway, so I finally made it into the room, and the moment came for them to check my blood pressure. Oh help me…I knew it would be up, but oh my gosh. It was 160/98!!! The nurse said, “Honey, your heart’s about to come out of your chest.” I began to cry…partially out of just letting my feelings out, but also because I was nervous that my blood pressure was so high. The nurse was very sweet and told me that it’s anxiety and that it’s nothing to worry about.
Dr. Henderson came in eventually and gave me a big hug. She’s always so positive and understanding. We discussed a lot of things, and she was encouraging for me. She always makes me laugh at some point in the visit, too, which is nice. Anyway, she let me leave out the side door so I wouldn’t have to go through the waiting room. She’s so sweet and considerate. Alma was there, too, and we talked. She understands that I have a phobia of the Ob/Gyn office now! The entire day after leaving Dr. H’s office was very hard for me. I cried all day after that. I hadn’t had a day like that in a while, so it was emotionally draining for me.
When I went home, Jagger wanted me to read to him “Nutbrown Hare”, which is really Guess How Much I Love You, and it’s the only book that I read to London. I read it to him all the time, but on that day, I just couldn’t get the words out without sobbing. My feelings of sadness were all too real. I couldn’t hide the tears from Jagger, so when he asked if I was “tryin”, I was honest and told him, “Mommy is sad because I miss baby London.” It was so sweet how he reacted because he simply put his arm around my neck and said, “I make you happy, Mommy.” He wanted to take care of me, and his precious little gesture did bring joy to my heart. I am so blessed by him. I told him how happy he makes me, and I was able to gain the strength to continue reading to him.
January 14, 2008 (Monday)
I’ve had a rough weekend. First of all, the weather is just dreary, rainy and depressing. But, more than that, I’ve just been sad. Yesterday before church, I was fixing Jagger eggs. As I stood at the stove, he sat at the kitchen table. Out of nowhere, he said, “Mommy, I supposed to have a sister?” I looked at him and said, “What, honey?” He simply smiled and said “baby London’s my sister.” I calmly replied, “Yes, baby London was your sister. Do you remember what happened to baby London?” This is our dialogue from here…
Jagger: “Her’s at the doctor cuz her’s sick.”
Me: “She was at the doctor, but she’s not there anymore. Do you remember where she is?
Jagger: “In heaven with Jesus.”
Me: “That’s right. She had something wrong with her heart, and the doctors tried to fix it, but they couldn’t fix it. Her heart didn’t work, so she died and went to heaven with Jesus.” My eyes were welling up with tears at this point, but I wanted him to feel comfortable talking about her if he wanted to, so I let him continue.
Jagger: “Did the nurse give her a shot? They fix her heart, Mommy?”
Me: “They tried, baby, but they couldn’t.” I noticed his desire to “fix” her, and I began to cry.
Jagger: “They can give her a new heart, Mommy.”
Me: “I wish they could honey. She has a new heart in heaven.”
Jagger: “Can we go see her sometime, Mommy? Sometime, can we? I play with baby London. I give her a passy, and she’ll spit it out! She’s toot.”
Me: At this point, I was bawling. All I could say was, “I wish you could, honey. Is that what you would do with baby London?”
Jagger: His bright blue eyes lit up as he shook his head yes.
Me: “Maybe some day Daddy and Mommy will have another baby. Would you like that?”
Jagger: “Baby London come out of your belly, mommy? You have baby London?”
Me: I explained that baby London is in heaven and if we had another baby, it would be a different baby. By then, I just couldn’t take it. It was way too painful. Bless his heart, he wanted to understand, but it was just too much for him. My heart breaks that he wants his little sister here. What about the passy comment? It just shows how he imagines playing with her. It breaks my heart. I was crying and I told him that Mommy was crying because I’m sad that baby London isn’t here. I wish she were here with us. Jagger simply said, “Can I eat my eggs in the TV room and watch wah-toons?” I said yes, and the conversation was over. That’s when I’m thankful that he’s only 2.
Jonathan and I decided to go to the 11:00 service together. Man, am I glad that I went. Dr. Robert Smith was there. He’s a black minister who preached a revival at Gilead 10 years ago. He’s a professor at a seminary in Burmingham, AL now. Anyway, all I can say is WOW! He was so amazing, and I feel that I’ve been revived…truly. His words were none less than God’s words. His message was so strong and aimed at me! Actually, it was aimed at the entire church. It was entitled, “Groaning to Glory” and he talked about how we go through things that make us “groan”, but in the end, we’re heading for “glory”. He mentioned that when situations are such that we don’t have words to say – when the emotions are so strong that words can’t do it justice, God interceded for us with “groans and sighs” as he relays our prayers to the Father. How powerful. I needed that. Dr. Smith prayed for Jonathan and I at the end of the service and it was very touching. I feel that God was really speaking to us all day yesterday.
Ryan Todd came by the house (I was gone) and talked to Jonathan for a while. He brought a video of a preacher who experienced heaven during an accident. Ryan told Jonathan that he just felt God had led him there and he wanted to share that. Then, last night, he called our house and he and Jonathan talked for a long time. Afterwards, I could tell that Jonathan felt good. Ryan shared with Jonathan that God had told him to tell Jonathan that, “She’s okay. She’s in heaven with him, and she’s fine, and you will see her again. You’re going to be okay.”
Ever since London died, Jonathan has said that he’s going to have to hear an “audible voice” from God before he can move on. That was his determination coming out. He was determined that the only way he would move on is if God spoke to him directly! I could tell last night that Jonathan felt that this was his “audible voice”. He said, “You know, Ash, I know God works through people, and I think He worked through Ryan to tell me that.” I knew at that moment that Jonathan had peace. Thank you, God!
Another “God” thing that happened was that I went to Dollar General on my way home last night. As I was paying, the lady in front of me looked familiar. It was Rhonda Shrader. Rhonda lost her little girl, Arlie, 4 years ago and even sent me a card when London died. She has a salon in Upton by Jagger’s daycare. Anyway, we said hi to each other and once we realized who the other was, we just began talking and talking. We shared stories for about 20 minutes, and she hugged me 3 times. She was so thoughtful in sharing how she felt when she lost Arlie, how she and her husband grieved differently, and how they were able to eventually move on. She mentioned that she still has days when she’ll cry over Arlie. She told me that she’s there for me if I ever want to talk. I just really appreciated her concern and her willingness to listen and share her story, not to mention her encouragement. It was nice.
God is good. I’ve seen that throughout all of this, but He was really working in my life yesterday. I’m very thankful that I can see His hand in so many things – in the midst of my grief. Today is better. I know it’s one day at a time.
January 7, 2008 (Monday)
A lot has happened since I wrote on Dec. 26. First of all, we had a calm, quiet New Years at Billy and Lou’s house. We played cards, and it was fun. Unfortunately, Dad was put in the hospital on New Years Eve for his gall bladder. Mom rang in the new year at HMH with dad! He had surgery on Wednesday, 1/2/08, and all went well. He had his gall bladder removed. He’s still moving slow, but getting better every day.
I also went to Keith Monument over the break and got a draft picture of London’s headstone. I wasn’t happy with the way it turned out, so we’ll keep thinking of ideas for it. I want it to be simple, yet perfect for her. I didn’t get upset going in there – not like I thought that I would. I think it will be a good sense of closure to get that over with.
On January 4, I had to go to Dr. Henderson’s office for an annual check-up. It was the first time I’d been there since my 6-week postpartum checkup. Man was it rough! I thought I would be fine…I mean, it’s been 16 weeks since London died, and 10 weeks since I’ve been to Dr. Henderson’s office. Unfortunately, there’s something about that place that just gives me the creeps now. I hope that the feeling will fade with time, but it was awful. I waited for about 30 minutes in the waiting room. In that time, I saw about 10 or more pregnant women, 3 who had either had their ultrasound or were going to have their ultrasound. One of the women sparked a conversation with me, and she has an 18 month old little boy and was finding out that day what she was having this time. It was like having my situation thrown up in my face again. Plus, the memories of having my first ultrasound with London are just brutal. That feeling of finding out that something was wrong was just sickening…literally. I won’t even go there.
Anyway, so I finally made it into the room, and the moment came for them to check my blood pressure. Oh help me…I knew it would be up, but oh my gosh. It was 160/98!!! The nurse said, “Honey, your heart’s about to come out of your chest.” I began to cry…partially out of just letting my feelings out, but also because I was nervous that my blood pressure was so high. The nurse was very sweet and told me that it’s anxiety and that it’s nothing to worry about.
Dr. Henderson came in eventually and gave me a big hug. She’s always so positive and understanding. We discussed a lot of things, and she was encouraging for me. She always makes me laugh at some point in the visit, too, which is nice. Anyway, she let me leave out the side door so I wouldn’t have to go through the waiting room. She’s so sweet and considerate. Alma was there, too, and we talked. She understands that I have a phobia of the Ob/Gyn office now! The entire day after leaving Dr. H’s office was very hard for me. I cried all day after that. I hadn’t had a day like that in a while, so it was emotionally draining for me.
When I went home, Jagger wanted me to read to him “Nutbrown Hare”, which is really Guess How Much I Love You, and it’s the only book that I read to London. I read it to him all the time, but on that day, I just couldn’t get the words out without sobbing. My feelings of sadness were all too real. I couldn’t hide the tears from Jagger, so when he asked if I was “tryin”, I was honest and told him, “Mommy is sad because I miss baby London.” It was so sweet how he reacted because he simply put his arm around my neck and said, “I make you happy, Mommy.” He wanted to take care of me, and his precious little gesture did bring joy to my heart. I am so blessed by him. I told him how happy he makes me, and I was able to gain the strength to continue reading to him.
January 14, 2008 (Monday)
I’ve had a rough weekend. First of all, the weather is just dreary, rainy and depressing. But, more than that, I’ve just been sad. Yesterday before church, I was fixing Jagger eggs. As I stood at the stove, he sat at the kitchen table. Out of nowhere, he said, “Mommy, I supposed to have a sister?” I looked at him and said, “What, honey?” He simply smiled and said “baby London’s my sister.” I calmly replied, “Yes, baby London was your sister. Do you remember what happened to baby London?” This is our dialogue from here…
Jagger: “Her’s at the doctor cuz her’s sick.”
Me: “She was at the doctor, but she’s not there anymore. Do you remember where she is?
Jagger: “In heaven with Jesus.”
Me: “That’s right. She had something wrong with her heart, and the doctors tried to fix it, but they couldn’t fix it. Her heart didn’t work, so she died and went to heaven with Jesus.” My eyes were welling up with tears at this point, but I wanted him to feel comfortable talking about her if he wanted to, so I let him continue.
Jagger: “Did the nurse give her a shot? They fix her heart, Mommy?”
Me: “They tried, baby, but they couldn’t.” I noticed his desire to “fix” her, and I began to cry.
Jagger: “They can give her a new heart, Mommy.”
Me: “I wish they could honey. She has a new heart in heaven.”
Jagger: “Can we go see her sometime, Mommy? Sometime, can we? I play with baby London. I give her a passy, and she’ll spit it out! She’s toot.”
Me: At this point, I was bawling. All I could say was, “I wish you could, honey. Is that what you would do with baby London?”
Jagger: His bright blue eyes lit up as he shook his head yes.
Me: “Maybe some day Daddy and Mommy will have another baby. Would you like that?”
Jagger: “Baby London come out of your belly, mommy? You have baby London?”
Me: I explained that baby London is in heaven and if we had another baby, it would be a different baby. By then, I just couldn’t take it. It was way too painful. Bless his heart, he wanted to understand, but it was just too much for him. My heart breaks that he wants his little sister here. What about the passy comment? It just shows how he imagines playing with her. It breaks my heart. I was crying and I told him that Mommy was crying because I’m sad that baby London isn’t here. I wish she were here with us. Jagger simply said, “Can I eat my eggs in the TV room and watch wah-toons?” I said yes, and the conversation was over. That’s when I’m thankful that he’s only 2.
Jonathan and I decided to go to the 11:00 service together. Man, am I glad that I went. Dr. Robert Smith was there. He’s a black minister who preached a revival at Gilead 10 years ago. He’s a professor at a seminary in Burmingham, AL now. Anyway, all I can say is WOW! He was so amazing, and I feel that I’ve been revived…truly. His words were none less than God’s words. His message was so strong and aimed at me! Actually, it was aimed at the entire church. It was entitled, “Groaning to Glory” and he talked about how we go through things that make us “groan”, but in the end, we’re heading for “glory”. He mentioned that when situations are such that we don’t have words to say – when the emotions are so strong that words can’t do it justice, God interceded for us with “groans and sighs” as he relays our prayers to the Father. How powerful. I needed that. Dr. Smith prayed for Jonathan and I at the end of the service and it was very touching. I feel that God was really speaking to us all day yesterday.
Ryan Todd came by the house (I was gone) and talked to Jonathan for a while. He brought a video of a preacher who experienced heaven during an accident. Ryan told Jonathan that he just felt God had led him there and he wanted to share that. Then, last night, he called our house and he and Jonathan talked for a long time. Afterwards, I could tell that Jonathan felt good. Ryan shared with Jonathan that God had told him to tell Jonathan that, “She’s okay. She’s in heaven with him, and she’s fine, and you will see her again. You’re going to be okay.”
Ever since London died, Jonathan has said that he’s going to have to hear an “audible voice” from God before he can move on. That was his determination coming out. He was determined that the only way he would move on is if God spoke to him directly! I could tell last night that Jonathan felt that this was his “audible voice”. He said, “You know, Ash, I know God works through people, and I think He worked through Ryan to tell me that.” I knew at that moment that Jonathan had peace. Thank you, God!
Another “God” thing that happened was that I went to Dollar General on my way home last night. As I was paying, the lady in front of me looked familiar. It was Rhonda Shrader. Rhonda lost her little girl, Arlie, 4 years ago and even sent me a card when London died. She has a salon in Upton by Jagger’s daycare. Anyway, we said hi to each other and once we realized who the other was, we just began talking and talking. We shared stories for about 20 minutes, and she hugged me 3 times. She was so thoughtful in sharing how she felt when she lost Arlie, how she and her husband grieved differently, and how they were able to eventually move on. She mentioned that she still has days when she’ll cry over Arlie. She told me that she’s there for me if I ever want to talk. I just really appreciated her concern and her willingness to listen and share her story, not to mention her encouragement. It was nice.
God is good. I’ve seen that throughout all of this, but He was really working in my life yesterday. I’m very thankful that I can see His hand in so many things – in the midst of my grief. Today is better. I know it’s one day at a time.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I took Jack to the doctor yesterday, and he had chest congestion, so Dr. Smith prescribed Albuterol. Everyone has said he would be wild after taking it, and they were right! I didn't know he could kick his legs so fast and "talk" that much! No ear infections for him or Jagger, so that's good news. Jack is up to 13 pounds, 2 ounces!
Is this a typical man or what? Aunt "Naena" got him a new Mickey Mouse movie, so he had to watch it on his DVD player while he took a bath! I choose my battles! He was "shaving" at the same time with his foam soap :)
"Mimi" (Jonathan's mom) stayed with us last weekend after flying in from Florida. Jagger loved spending time with her, and Jack just got even more spoiled!!
Monday, May 18, 2009
Can I vent?
Life is hard. Yes, losing a child, grieving...all of those things are obviously hard. What I mean today, though, is life - in general - just day to day life...is hard! If you know me or if you've read my blog, you know that I have always struggled with worry and anxiety. I'm not proud of it. In fact, I hate it! But...it's something that is very hard for me to overcome. Plus, I get it honest from both sides of my family (unfortunately). I admit that I take medication for my anxiety...Zoloft to be exact. I'm not ashamed! I need it!
Here are some things that are just bothering me right now. First of all, sometimes it just gets overwhelming when you feel like all of the news is bad, sad,...just plain depressing. Just this weekend, I heard of two more people who committed suicide (a friend of a friend, and a relative of a friend). Then, one of our students here at school was so upset because his 7-year-old cousin was diagnosed with cancer. A man who my family has known for years died. Jagger and Jack are sick, and you know I worry about them. Since losing London, I have this intense fear of losing another child (bad thought, I know). Jonathan left today for 3 days on a school field trip. Then, add a couple of personal problems with family in the mix, and it makes life just a big, bitter pill to swallow.
Is it ever just too much for you? I have found that my anxiety is just through the roof lately. Instead of just saying, "oh, that's sad," I tend to internalize bad news and let it manifest into huge worries! For instance, hearing about the 7-year-old who has cancer made me imagine what in the world I would do if Jagger or Jack had cancer. Or...if I hear of someone who dies of a brain tumor, I find myself worrying at any slight headache I might have! That's what I mean! It's ridiculous, I know. Plus, I have been reminded of London a lot the past few days. Jagger is starting to mention her more. It's a good thing in one sense because I want him to have the freedom to talk about her whenever he wants. However, it hurts! Then, we went to a cookout this past weekend, and there was a little girl there who was born the same month as London. She had a precious outfit on, big hair bow, and was running around, babbling, etc. It's still so hard to imagine what London would look like now. Would I really be chasing her already?! I mean, she will always be a "newborn" to me. It's very difficult to be reminded of what I never had...and never will have. I'm sorry to be down or depressed, but my blog is my journal now, so I am just saying exactly how I feel.
I have found myself looking at the many inspirational sayings and Bible verses that are taped above my desk. Most of them were emails and devotionals that I read during the hardest times in my life. As I have yet another hard day (or hard few days), I can find some comfort in this one..."Though now for a little while, you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may prove genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." (1 Peter 1:6-7)
In the midst of my fears, my anxiety, my disappointments, my grief, my suffering - I know God loves me and he is in control. When life seems to be spiraling out of control around me, God is constant and I can rest in his presence. Another one of my papers taped above my desk says this, and boy isn't it true..."Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34) After all, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday!
I try to be a fixer, and it's emotionally draining when there's a million problems around me, and I can't "fix" them. That's when I have no choice but to lay it all down before my God. What would I possibly do if I didn't have that option? I cannot imagine! One of the biggest spiritual lessons I have learned is this: knowing God as my savior does not mean that I will not have problems in life (obviously!), but it does mean that He will be with me and will help me through the problems, and I will never face the problems alone. For that, I am thankful. Thanks for letting me vent.
Here are some things that are just bothering me right now. First of all, sometimes it just gets overwhelming when you feel like all of the news is bad, sad,...just plain depressing. Just this weekend, I heard of two more people who committed suicide (a friend of a friend, and a relative of a friend). Then, one of our students here at school was so upset because his 7-year-old cousin was diagnosed with cancer. A man who my family has known for years died. Jagger and Jack are sick, and you know I worry about them. Since losing London, I have this intense fear of losing another child (bad thought, I know). Jonathan left today for 3 days on a school field trip. Then, add a couple of personal problems with family in the mix, and it makes life just a big, bitter pill to swallow.
Is it ever just too much for you? I have found that my anxiety is just through the roof lately. Instead of just saying, "oh, that's sad," I tend to internalize bad news and let it manifest into huge worries! For instance, hearing about the 7-year-old who has cancer made me imagine what in the world I would do if Jagger or Jack had cancer. Or...if I hear of someone who dies of a brain tumor, I find myself worrying at any slight headache I might have! That's what I mean! It's ridiculous, I know. Plus, I have been reminded of London a lot the past few days. Jagger is starting to mention her more. It's a good thing in one sense because I want him to have the freedom to talk about her whenever he wants. However, it hurts! Then, we went to a cookout this past weekend, and there was a little girl there who was born the same month as London. She had a precious outfit on, big hair bow, and was running around, babbling, etc. It's still so hard to imagine what London would look like now. Would I really be chasing her already?! I mean, she will always be a "newborn" to me. It's very difficult to be reminded of what I never had...and never will have. I'm sorry to be down or depressed, but my blog is my journal now, so I am just saying exactly how I feel.
I have found myself looking at the many inspirational sayings and Bible verses that are taped above my desk. Most of them were emails and devotionals that I read during the hardest times in my life. As I have yet another hard day (or hard few days), I can find some comfort in this one..."Though now for a little while, you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may prove genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." (1 Peter 1:6-7)
In the midst of my fears, my anxiety, my disappointments, my grief, my suffering - I know God loves me and he is in control. When life seems to be spiraling out of control around me, God is constant and I can rest in his presence. Another one of my papers taped above my desk says this, and boy isn't it true..."Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34) After all, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday!
I try to be a fixer, and it's emotionally draining when there's a million problems around me, and I can't "fix" them. That's when I have no choice but to lay it all down before my God. What would I possibly do if I didn't have that option? I cannot imagine! One of the biggest spiritual lessons I have learned is this: knowing God as my savior does not mean that I will not have problems in life (obviously!), but it does mean that He will be with me and will help me through the problems, and I will never face the problems alone. For that, I am thankful. Thanks for letting me vent.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Letter to London
On the previous journal entries I posted, I mentioned that I had gone to a counselor, and she told me to write London a letter. It was very difficult to do, and it is still difficult to read without getting choked up. My counselor told me, when I felt like it, to go to her grave and read it to her. It took quite a while to find the strength to do that, but I did. It wasn't easy, but I suppose it allowed me to release feelings of sadness and grief, and it allowed me to "tell" London things I never got to tell her.
December 31, 2007
Dear my precious London,
How are you, angel? I know that you are doing wonderful in the presence of Jesus. How is heaven? I can’t wait to experience all the amazing joys of heaven with you some day. London, although I ache to have you here with me, it’s so comforting to know that some day, we really will be together. I will get to hold you and rock you and laugh with you, and even more than I can fathom with my limited imagination.
The past 3 ½ months have been more difficult than I ever dreamed. To be honest, I never imagined life without you. I truly felt that you would be here with us for your first Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, and so on. It’s somewhat fitting that I finally get the strength to write you on this final day of 2007. There is so much that I want you to know, London.
First of all, I want you to know how much your Daddy and I love you and miss you. You were our perfect, precious, and only daughter. You brought such joy into our lives for the 9 months that I carried you until the moment you went home to be with Jesus. You were so beautiful. Your cry and grunts were sounds that I will always cherish and remember – not with sadness, but with gratefulness and a smile. London, you were everything and more that we could have asked for in our baby girl. You were so perfect, and I know that God gave you to us to embrace and to love for a lifetime. Yes, I feel that your life here on earth was far too short. I’m very selfish in that respect. I wish that we had more time. I wish that you were here with Daddy, Jagger, and me. However, that wasn’t our Father’s plan. I don’t understand His plan, but I know that you never were without love, London. You had love in my womb, love in my arms, and love in the Father’s arms – where you will always be.
Life without you has not been easy. I’ve had moments, days and even weeks when I could do nothing but grieve your absence. The weeks, however, turned to days; and the days have since turned to moments. I have found peace in knowing that you are with God, that you are safe, and that I had you for two days. Again, it wasn’t enough for me, but I am so thankful that I had you for that long. I would do it over and over again just to see your face and hear your voice and feel your precious body.
You were, are, and forever will be our first daughter - a blessing that none other can ever match. You will always be Jagger’s little sister – one whom he anticipated for so long, was so excited for, and now one whom he misses and grieves for in his own way. London, I would be lying if I told you I’m not sad, although I don’t want to upset you. I am so sad that you’re not here. It is a loss that I will forever have in my heart. However, the love and the blessings that I have gained from you have changed me. They have made me appreciate the ones I love more than ever; it has made me recognize the blessings of life and the fact that God is in control; it has made me realize that I should never take anything for granted.
In your memory, your daddy and I had your name forever imprinted on our wrists with small tattoos. Daddy had your footprints tattooed on his arm. Your feet were so precious…so little and sweet, and every time we see them on Daddy’s arm, we smile and remember how they felt in the palm of our hands. I bought a beautiful frame and placed in it the picture of you in the pink dress that I wore home from the hospital when I was your size. Your picture is hanging at the center of our living room, where we spend most of our time. I look at your picture so many times a day and have been able to smile instead of cry. I know that with time the tears will not overcome the joy and the smiles that you bring to my heart. Thankfully, that transformation has begun, slowly but surely. We sent Christmas cards with a picture of you and Jagger on them. Everyone has mentioned how beautiful and precious you were.
London, as I begin this new year, I have a heavy heart, but a heart that has hope. Last Sunday, your Poppy preached a sermon at our church on Jesus coming to earth with a purpose. He came as a precious baby, just like you, but his purpose was to die a brutal death to save the world. It reminds me so much of your coming. You came to earth from Heaven as a precious baby, but your purpose was to change so many lives in the short time you were here. Unfortunately, God did not send you for a long lifetime. He gave us a taste of Heaven when he sent you. You lived a perfect life, and no one on this earth can say that for themselves, including me. I am so proud of you, and I will always be proud of you. When I look at your pictures, I’m proud. When I talk about you, I’m proud. When I share your story, I’m proud.
A lifetime may ease the pain, but it will never take away your footprints on my heart and the hearts of Daddy, Jagger and your grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. Thank you, London, for coming to our family and into our hearts. Thank you for the love you gave, and the strength and courage that you showed. Thank you for changing me and for doing me a favor in being my daughter. We place you on a pedestal in our home and in our hearts, London. Know that we adore you, and always will. Know that, more than anything, we have become better people because of you, and we look forward to our homecoming – a homecoming in which we will never, ever say goodbye. I love you, baby.
Love with all my heart,
Mommy
December 31, 2007
Dear my precious London,
How are you, angel? I know that you are doing wonderful in the presence of Jesus. How is heaven? I can’t wait to experience all the amazing joys of heaven with you some day. London, although I ache to have you here with me, it’s so comforting to know that some day, we really will be together. I will get to hold you and rock you and laugh with you, and even more than I can fathom with my limited imagination.
The past 3 ½ months have been more difficult than I ever dreamed. To be honest, I never imagined life without you. I truly felt that you would be here with us for your first Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, and so on. It’s somewhat fitting that I finally get the strength to write you on this final day of 2007. There is so much that I want you to know, London.
First of all, I want you to know how much your Daddy and I love you and miss you. You were our perfect, precious, and only daughter. You brought such joy into our lives for the 9 months that I carried you until the moment you went home to be with Jesus. You were so beautiful. Your cry and grunts were sounds that I will always cherish and remember – not with sadness, but with gratefulness and a smile. London, you were everything and more that we could have asked for in our baby girl. You were so perfect, and I know that God gave you to us to embrace and to love for a lifetime. Yes, I feel that your life here on earth was far too short. I’m very selfish in that respect. I wish that we had more time. I wish that you were here with Daddy, Jagger, and me. However, that wasn’t our Father’s plan. I don’t understand His plan, but I know that you never were without love, London. You had love in my womb, love in my arms, and love in the Father’s arms – where you will always be.
Life without you has not been easy. I’ve had moments, days and even weeks when I could do nothing but grieve your absence. The weeks, however, turned to days; and the days have since turned to moments. I have found peace in knowing that you are with God, that you are safe, and that I had you for two days. Again, it wasn’t enough for me, but I am so thankful that I had you for that long. I would do it over and over again just to see your face and hear your voice and feel your precious body.
You were, are, and forever will be our first daughter - a blessing that none other can ever match. You will always be Jagger’s little sister – one whom he anticipated for so long, was so excited for, and now one whom he misses and grieves for in his own way. London, I would be lying if I told you I’m not sad, although I don’t want to upset you. I am so sad that you’re not here. It is a loss that I will forever have in my heart. However, the love and the blessings that I have gained from you have changed me. They have made me appreciate the ones I love more than ever; it has made me recognize the blessings of life and the fact that God is in control; it has made me realize that I should never take anything for granted.
In your memory, your daddy and I had your name forever imprinted on our wrists with small tattoos. Daddy had your footprints tattooed on his arm. Your feet were so precious…so little and sweet, and every time we see them on Daddy’s arm, we smile and remember how they felt in the palm of our hands. I bought a beautiful frame and placed in it the picture of you in the pink dress that I wore home from the hospital when I was your size. Your picture is hanging at the center of our living room, where we spend most of our time. I look at your picture so many times a day and have been able to smile instead of cry. I know that with time the tears will not overcome the joy and the smiles that you bring to my heart. Thankfully, that transformation has begun, slowly but surely. We sent Christmas cards with a picture of you and Jagger on them. Everyone has mentioned how beautiful and precious you were.
London, as I begin this new year, I have a heavy heart, but a heart that has hope. Last Sunday, your Poppy preached a sermon at our church on Jesus coming to earth with a purpose. He came as a precious baby, just like you, but his purpose was to die a brutal death to save the world. It reminds me so much of your coming. You came to earth from Heaven as a precious baby, but your purpose was to change so many lives in the short time you were here. Unfortunately, God did not send you for a long lifetime. He gave us a taste of Heaven when he sent you. You lived a perfect life, and no one on this earth can say that for themselves, including me. I am so proud of you, and I will always be proud of you. When I look at your pictures, I’m proud. When I talk about you, I’m proud. When I share your story, I’m proud.
A lifetime may ease the pain, but it will never take away your footprints on my heart and the hearts of Daddy, Jagger and your grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. Thank you, London, for coming to our family and into our hearts. Thank you for the love you gave, and the strength and courage that you showed. Thank you for changing me and for doing me a favor in being my daughter. We place you on a pedestal in our home and in our hearts, London. Know that we adore you, and always will. Know that, more than anything, we have become better people because of you, and we look forward to our homecoming – a homecoming in which we will never, ever say goodbye. I love you, baby.
Love with all my heart,
Mommy
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Mother's Day and Tee Ball Pictures
Jagger at tee ball practice! Oh, it got even better than this!!!
Jagger and Jett...wrestle-mania!!!
Grandmother & Granddad with Jack...the little time bomb!!
Jonathan and Jagger racing from the garden at Grandmother & Granddad's.
HELP!!!!!!!!! I love this one :) The "time bomb" exploded!
Here are some pictures of our Mother's Day weekend and Jagger's first tee-ball practice! As you can tell, he was REALLY into it (yeah right)!! Too bad my camera went dead before Jagger did "dirt angels"!! I'm not kidding...I looked up, and he was lying in the dirt - glove off - moving his arms and legs in and out, in and out - just like you would do in the snow!!! This is going to be interesting!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
When it hit me (more Journal entries)
Nearly 3 months after London died, I began noticing that my grief was changing. It's as if the shock was wearing off, and I began feeling for the first time. It was so rough, to say the least. These journal entries reflect that time period. Again, I haven't modified them, so sorry if some of it is insignificant or boring! It's just my account of day-to-day feelings and struggles, laughter and tears, that I experienced back then.
December 3, 2007 (Monday)
It’s been a while since I’ve written. The past couple of weeks have been very hard for me. I feel that I’m sinking into a depression. I now can officially say that I know what it feels like to be depressed. Yes, I’ve taken Paxil before and take it now, but it’s for my anxiety and worry. Never have I had a loss of interest in things or wanted to just remain in a dark room and cry. That’s how I’ve felt a lot lately.
Last Sunday, November 25, I went to get Jagger out of the church nursery, and every baby girl in the church was there. One of them was crying and her grandma was consoling her. That baby girl was born about 2 weeks before London. Then, another baby who was 1 week older than London was resting in the swing with her precious little red velvet dress and head band on. Another was gazing at everyone and everything from the arms of the nursery worker. It’s as if I was just kicked in the gut once again. So that’s about the size that London would have been. What would her cry sound like? What precious outfit would I dress her in for church? As I walked out of the nursery with Jagger, fighting back the tears, I made my way to the car. As we passed London’s grave, I glared at it for a moment, but kept walking because I didn’t want Jagger to notice my grief.
I’ve found that shopping during Christmas time is just not for me – definitely not this year. I absolutely love Christmas music, but it’s like a dagger in my heart right now. One of my favorites is “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”. I’ve always loved that song, but it just makes me so sad now. I want London here so badly that it truly just aches. Every store that I go into, I notice a “Baby’s first Christmas” ornament, bib, outfit, etc. It’s as if they’re on display just for me. Also, all I can see is baby girls swaddled in their plush, pink blankets. Is everyone having baby girls, or what? That’s what it seems like.
Brooke came to Mom’s house last Thursday night for dinner and for us to see Will. To see Jagger with Will was just so sweet, yet so upsetting at the same time. Jagger was so intrigued by Will. He commented on everything that he did; he laughed at his funny noises and faces; he told me to look at that baby over and over with a smile on his face. Jagger had a sippy cup with a baseball on it, and he said, “Look at my baseball, Will. Do you like my baseball?” It was as if he expected the baby to talk back to him. He truly wanted Will’s attention and wanted to impress him. All I could think about was how sweet and involved he would have been with London. He would have wanted to show her all his toys. He would have loved all of her faces and sounds. He never even met her. Sometimes I feel guilty about that. I’ve mentioned that before, but what’s done is done. Anyway, my point is that Jagger would love being a big brother, and I’m so sad that he’s not one.
My fears of having another child are very great right now. I cannot imagine enduring this torture again. Last week, I decided to email London’s cardiologist and surgeon to see what their knowledge was on my chances of having another child with a heart defect. Here is what Dr. Gottliebson and Dr. Manning had to say:
Ashlee,
I completely understand the concerns you raise. I will say up front that I am not a genetic specialist, so I don't have the exact percentages of chances/risks for having another child with a similar heart defect. Our Genetics team would be an excellent resource to tap for more specific information. Here is the link for more info:
http://www.cincinnatichildrens.org/svc/alpha/h/genetics/default.htm
HLHS is one of the more common heart defects we see, but the overall chance of having a child with any kind of heart defect (most complex to most simple) runs slightly less than 1%. I believe the data the genetics folks quote is that with a history of a child with a heart defect, the chance of having another with a heart defect roughly doubles, so at about 2% chance it's still pretty low. While we are trying all the time to learn about the genetics of heart defects, we do not have many genetic marker tests that can be done to screen in pregnancy or to screen parents.
I hope this info helps. Please let me know if I can help further.
Peter Manning
Hello Mrs. Tomes
Sorry I couldn't reply yesterday. I asked Cheri Franklin, our Fetal Nurse Practitioner, to contact you yesterday o let you know I did get your message, though I am not sure whether she has been able to contact you yet.
Let me first express my deepest sympathies to you, your husband, your son and your extended family for your loss. I knew of London's situation only after her death, and apologize for not having expressed my condolences sooner. I very much hope your healing will be manageable and progressive.
I re-reviewed London's prenatal studies as well as her newborn echo study, and also reviewed her hospital chart. From a prenatal perspective, her anatomy indeed appeared fairly straightforward for Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. Unfortunately, the additional left coronary artery anomaly she had is not only not detectable prenatally, but was not apparent on her newborn echo (several of us have independently re-reviewed the studies), similar to that reported in the very few (2-3) case reports in the literature.
My answer to your question is that London's heart anatomy was indeed extremely rare, not because of the hypoplastic left heart (our center probably sees 20 cases/year), comparable to the numbers seen at many other moderate sized congenital heart programs. The additional finding of a coronary artery anomaly is what made London's condition so rare. I only found 1 case report yesterday for anomalous left coronary artery discovered in the operating room, and despite it being recognized there and heroic measures being used, that baby did not survive. Another report of an anomalous right coronary artery was also not diagnosed until being in the operating room. The other few reports are from pathologic series, after autopsies on other babies who died.
As for chances of recurrence, one of my colleagues here has specifically looked at children with all forms of "left sided obstructive lesions" (of which HLHS is the most severe). Clearly, there is an increased risk, and putting numbers to it is based only on small studies. I just spoke with him about your question - his response - ~ 5% risk of HLHS in another baby for you and your husband; ~15-20% risk of any congenital heart disease (most likely to be something a bicuspid aortic valve, which is often a mild lesion not requiring any intervention at all).
My recommendations to you regarding a future pregnancy are (1) consider discussions with one of our genetic counselors here at CCHMC ; and (2) have us here at CCHMC perform an early fetal echocardiogram (14-16 weeks) if you would consider termination of the pregnancy were we to find a significant heart lesion.
I hope this information is helpful. Please do not hesitate to let me know if I can provide any additional information to you.
Best regards,
Bill Gottliebson
Dr. G’s information was a little more troubling than Dr. Manning’s. I know the chances are slim, but so were the chances of London not surviving the surgery…and so were the chances of London having a rare complication with her anomalous coronary arteries. I don’t trust slim chances any more. Not to be a pessimist, but I’ve been the super tiny percentage before. I’ve been the rare case before, and who’s to say that won’t be me again? Maybe I should be more positive than that. Or maybe I’ve been burned so badly that I don’t want to take any chances. Who knows what our family’s future holds? Maybe I’ll give birth to one or two more healthy babies. Maybe we’ll adopt a little girl who needs a loving family. I don’t know what our family will consist of, but I know that I don’t feel finished. Jagger is the light of my life, and I thank God for him every day. However, I feel the need for more children. I want another baby so badly.
On Friday, November 30, I took Jagger to get his Flu Shot booster. He cried, but was tough overall. I promised him a toy if he was a big boy, so we went to Big Lots afterwards. He got so grumpy and was crying for every toy in the store! It was stressful. Mom, Afton and Alaena met me there and tried to entertain him, but he was a pill! I got him a toy, but it didn’t help his crying. Then, I went through McDonald’s drive thru, and he cried the whole time. He wouldn’t eat his chicken nuggets, and didn’t even care about his toy. We drove to Mom and Dad’s because they wanted him to stay the night with them. Dad was able to calm him down, of course. I was stressed, but emotional also. I just couldn’t take it, I guess, so I began to cry. I left mom and dad’s and went home. Jonathan met me in the entryway, and I just broke down on his chest…sobbing, moaning, and saying, “I want my baby. I just want my baby.” It’s like I didn’t care who was listening. All of my guards were down, and I was just free to mourn and grieve on my husband’s shoulder. Jonathan asked what had caused this, and I just began to vent about all the things that make me grieve over London…many things that I’ve mentioned in this entry. I wanted to just lie in bed in a dark room and cry. However, Cely called and invited us to go out and eat with them. I called her and told her I just wasn’t in the mood. Then, after some convincing from Jonathan, I decided it would probably be good for me to get out of the house, so we went. We met them at their house and went to Stone Hearth. It was great, and I’m glad that we went.
We went to Mom and Dad’s Saturday morning to get Jagger. Santa was in Glendale that morning, so we wanted to take him down there. I started getting sad right before we left – just thinking how I wish London could see Santa for the first time. Anyway, I thought I could handle it. After all, Jagger is big enough to either like Santa and stay in his lap or get scared to death and freak out! I was eager to see what his reaction to Santa would be. We got to Glendale, and I had my sunglasses on so no one could see my red, swollen eyes. Dad took Jagger into the “Sisters” shop (across from the Whistle Stop), and they found Santa! As I walked up the stairs and opened the shop door, I saw one of our student’s moms holding her newborn baby girl in her arms…swaddling her in a satin pink blanket. I immediately turned around, walked quickly around the building with my head cast downward and lost control of my emotions once again.
I shouldn’t care, but that woman has 5 kids…keeps having them, and can’t afford any of them. I’m not saying she’s not a good mom, but it’s not fair! It’s so not fair! Jonathan followed me and said that we would go back to mom and dad’s. I felt terrible, but I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t even see my son sit in Santa’s lap because of my grief. He did sit in Santa’s lap and told him that he wanted toys for Christmas. I wish I had seen that. I am seeing how my grief is controlling so much of my life. It sucks! I try to be strong…I really do, but it’s totally catching up with me.
Clifton and Robin came and got Jagger on Saturday. They took him to Bowling Green for the night. He was excited. Clifton called and wanted to tell us something hilarious that Jagger had said. Clifton stood in a chair to get a book on the top shelf. When Jagger saw him standing up in the chair, he said just as plain as day, “Poppy, you know better than that. You could fall and hurt yourself.” Who knows where he heard that, but it was so funny to think of him being so bossy!
While Jagger was in Bowling Green, I went to E-Town and got my hair highlighted and cut. Afton went with me. We went shopping afterwards, and Mom met us. I attempted to be in a good mood, but I just couldn’t do it. I simply existed – just showed up, basically. Dad called and wanted to meet us at Rafferty’s for dinner, but I opted to go home instead.
I went to Walgreen’s on the way home and spent about an hour printing pictures of London and Jagger. I finally printed all of her precious pictures. I also made our Christmas cards. It has one big picture of Jagger (black and white). He’s got his finger in his mouth and is standing up in the bathtub. He’s filthy from playing in the dirt outside. It’s cute. Then, next to that picture is one of London in her pink dress and little hair bow. The card says “Peace on Earth”, and then I wrote, “In memory of our precious London Cloe. Love, Jonathan, Ashlee and Jagger” I didn’t want our cards to be sad or depressing, but I just felt the need to honor London this Christmas. I would have had a precious picture of her and Jagger if she were here, so I wanted to get as close to that as possible. Plus, no one has seen the pictures of her in her pink dress, so this was my chance to share that. The poor girl at the photo lab in Walgreen’s probably was a nervous wreck because I sat there and cried the whole time that I printed pictures. Oh well…
Also this weekend, Alma Lark called me to check on me. She’s so sweet and thoughtful. She gave me the number to a counselor, Bonnie French. I called to make an appointment, but I haven’t heard back from her (I had to leave a message). I’m not too proud to recognize that I need extra help right now. I need to talk about my feelings, my disappointment, my anger…everything. I definitely do not want to get sucked in too far to this depression thing. I can’t allow myself to do that for Jagger and Jonathan’s sake.
Today, I brought a few pictures of London to school. I displayed them on my desk. Have I mentioned that my heart aches for her? Pictures are the only things that keep her alive in my heart. Yes, I can imagine her and think about her, but pictures allow me to just hold on to that precious, perfect body that I loved so very much.
Life is so hard right now.
December 17, 2007 (Monday)
It’s been a while since I’ve written. Since I last wrote, I have seen a slight improvement in my mood and my attitude. To begin, last Sunday, December 9, I had a very hard day, and actually had to leave church because I was so emotional. Some of it was due to the preacher’s message that we should look forward to what God has in store for us. Another reason I was upset was I kept hearing a newborn baby fussing, having the hiccups, etc. on the other side of church. I’m scared! I want so badly to look forward to what God has in store for my family and me, but I’m very insecure in that right now. I fear hurt; I fear loss and disappointment. As I walked outside, I made my way to London’s tiny grave and just bawled as I stared at her little grave marker – the one with her precious name written on it. As I mourned alone, I noticed someone walking towards me, and it was Jonathan. He just hugged me and let me weep. I just wanted to drive, so that’s what we did. We got Jagger at Mom and Dad’s after church and by then, I had gathered myself a little and felt better. The rest of the day was okay, I guess.
On Tuesday, Dec. 11, I went to see Bonnie French for the first time at 10:00. When I arrived, I immediately felt comfortable and safe in her office. There was calming music playing, it was cozy, and there were baked goodies and spiced tea to drink. It was very clean, organized, and there were inspirational/spiritual verses all over the place. I knew from that moment that God had placed me there at that moment for a reason. A massage therapist, Brenda, gave me a chair massage before I met with Bonnie, and it was wonderful.
My meeting with Bonnie was very enlightening, and I think she’s really going to help me through my grief and other issues that I face on a daily basis. After about 2 hours of talking about my feelings, family history, fears, hopes, etc., Bonnie gave me her insight on where she feels I am at with my grief. She mentioned that she thinks I am having very normal feelings and that my reactions are expected. She also mentioned that she thinks prior to London’s death, that I was in denial that death was possible. Of course, I knew it was a possibility, but I was in denial that it was actually going to happen. I personally never thought that I was in denial, but once I started analyzing what Bonnie had said, I have to say that I agree. It’s like I was a zealot in trying to be in control as much as I could of London’s fate. I swam 100 laps every day, I ate well, I didn’t drink caffeine, I shared my testimony with others, and we had thousands of people praying for her and for us. I prayed diligently daily for London. In a sense, it’s like I had a deep down feeling that all of that would insure that London was going to be okay. I never actually looked at it that way, but I guess it’s true.
Bonnie told me to get a book called Life after Loss by Bob Deits. I have since gotten it, and it’s wonderful. It’s a basic book about grief, and although I’m not a “reader”, I love it and actually look forward to reading it. It makes me feel good and normal. Bonnie also told me that we would be really facing my grief head on in order to move on. I will, at some point, actually write a letter to London. When she told me this, I began to cry because it seemed so difficult to even imagine. She said that I would tell London what I thought about her, where I was emotionally when she died, and where I am now, emotionally. I will basically talk to her in a letter. Bonnie told me that it would be very difficult, but that it would be freeing and emotionally cleansing. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to work through my grief and find happiness and fulfillment again. I go back to Bonnie this Thursday, and I’m looking forward to it.
After my appointment with Bonnie, I thought I would get some Christmas shopping done, so I headed for none other than Wal-Mart! Anyway, I got there and got a phone call from the daycare telling me that Jagger had a 102 degree fever. So, shopping had to wait. I rushed to Upton, got Jagger, and we rushed back to the doctor. He had a terrible ear infection and had to have an antibiotic shot in his leg. I stayed home with him the next day and we had to go back to the doctor so they could check his ear. Unfortunately, he had to have another antibiotic shot in the other leg! It was so sad. I stayed one more day with him, and we had to go back to the doctor a third time so they could check his ear again. Thank goodness he didn’t have to have another shot, but he was put on a 10-day antibiotic. He seems to be feeling much better now.
Friday, we went to Louisville (Mom, Cely, Grandmother, Mary, Jessie, Afton, Alaena, and me) for Cely’s birthday. We shopped for a while and then ate at PF Chang’s. We had a great time, and we laughed a lot. I enjoyed myself. On Saturday, dad kept Jagger, and we did some Christmas shopping. I’m almost done, thank goodness! On Saturday night, we went to the Christmas Cantata at church. It was great, and I didn’t even get emotional except during one song. Yesterday at church, I really felt good. Don’t get me wrong, there are things that still bother me…like parking next to London’s grave or seeing all the baby girls in the nursery. However, I felt stronger yesterday. I wasn’t as emotional, and I truly felt more energized.
One thing that bothered me was when a friend at church told me that her sister was pregnant with a little girl, and how they were so excited. Her sister had a boy about a month after Jagger was born. Anyway, I acted happy for them, and I’m not saying that I’m not happy for them, but it was hard to smile when I don’t have my baby girl. There’s this attitude, I guess, that having a boy and a girl is just the ideal family…you get one of each and get to enjoy all the aspects of both sexes. I am bitter sometimes that I had that, but it was taken away from me. Of course, I absolutely adore everything about my wild little boy. It’s so funny that his Christmas list consists of tractors, diggers, dump truck, trains, combine, etc. He’s such a boy! However, I just grieve the fact that I don’t get to buy pink princess things or hair bows or baby dolls this Christmas. I am sad that I am missing out on having a daughter…I wish so badly that I could see her chubby legs crammed in a pair of stockings! I wish so badly that I could paint her little toenails only to see and hear Alaena’s reaction or to hear her daddy’s response! I just wish she were here for us to kiss on and snuggle with, to give her baths and see her arms and legs flailing with excitement. I want to know what her little coos would sound like or what her smile would have looked like. I never got to see her smile, but my heart only hopes that she felt happy in my arms. I hope that she knew I was her mommy, and I hope she could feel comfort in the way that I talked to her and kissed on her as I stroked her perfectly shaped head and soft dark hair over and over.
I can say that I feel better than I did a few weeks ago. I know that there is no medicine for grief…I just have to wait it out. However, I pray that whenever I get down that I would remind myself of three things that Life after Loss points out…
1) I will not always feel as I do now.
2) I am doing okay. Grief will not destroy me.
3) I will make it through this experience just as others have before me.
December 17, 2007 (Monday)
Michele Drake asked Alaena and me over for dinner. I took Jagger. As Jagger and I were on our way to her house, Jagger started talking about baby Camden, and he said that baby Camden is “coot” (cute). I went along with him, and then he said out of the blue, “Like baby London, Mommy. Baby London is coot.” He said this with a big smile on his face. I was strong enough to say, “Yes, baby, London was cute.” Tears began to well up in my eyes as Jagger continued. “I like baby London, Mommy. I want to see baby London.” I reminded him that baby London was in Heaven and that we couldn’t see her now, but we would see her someday. I reminded him that baby London was with Jesus because he wanted her to feel better. Jagger got upset that he couldn’t see London now. He began to cry and say, “I want to play with baby London, Mommy! I want to see her.”
Can you imagine how this made my heart ache? It was so painful to know, first of all, that London was not coming back. But, it was just as painful to hear her big brother crying to see her and play with her, yet I couldn’t “fix it”…I couldn’t grant his request and make it better. I just prayed for strength at that point and cried. Thank goodness, it was dark enough to see Christmas lights – I quickly changed the subject when we saw a big Santa in someone’s yard. Oh, the joys of grief, that’s all I can say.
Thank goodness, we did have one funny thing happen tonight after we got home. Jonathan was changing Jagger’s diaper. As Jagger lay on the floor, he – all of a sudden – just called Jonathan a “dumbass”. I’m laughing just thinking about that moment and our faces when we realized what he said! Of course, we asked him, “What did you say?” He said it again and again and again (he could tell we were laughing as we turned our heads)! I know it’s wrong, but I got the camera out and video taped his first “bad word”! I asked him where he heard that, and he said “Aunt Naena”. Then, we had to call her. Jagger said, “Aunt Naena, don’t say dumbass. That’s not nice.” Of course, she started dying laughing and told him she was sorry. She kept trying to get him to say it by asking him, “Now, what did I say?”, etc. She’s awful! Anyway, it was hilarious at the time. Thank goodness he hasn’t said it any more. Thank goodness for the laughter that Jagger brings to us!
December 3, 2007 (Monday)
It’s been a while since I’ve written. The past couple of weeks have been very hard for me. I feel that I’m sinking into a depression. I now can officially say that I know what it feels like to be depressed. Yes, I’ve taken Paxil before and take it now, but it’s for my anxiety and worry. Never have I had a loss of interest in things or wanted to just remain in a dark room and cry. That’s how I’ve felt a lot lately.
Last Sunday, November 25, I went to get Jagger out of the church nursery, and every baby girl in the church was there. One of them was crying and her grandma was consoling her. That baby girl was born about 2 weeks before London. Then, another baby who was 1 week older than London was resting in the swing with her precious little red velvet dress and head band on. Another was gazing at everyone and everything from the arms of the nursery worker. It’s as if I was just kicked in the gut once again. So that’s about the size that London would have been. What would her cry sound like? What precious outfit would I dress her in for church? As I walked out of the nursery with Jagger, fighting back the tears, I made my way to the car. As we passed London’s grave, I glared at it for a moment, but kept walking because I didn’t want Jagger to notice my grief.
I’ve found that shopping during Christmas time is just not for me – definitely not this year. I absolutely love Christmas music, but it’s like a dagger in my heart right now. One of my favorites is “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”. I’ve always loved that song, but it just makes me so sad now. I want London here so badly that it truly just aches. Every store that I go into, I notice a “Baby’s first Christmas” ornament, bib, outfit, etc. It’s as if they’re on display just for me. Also, all I can see is baby girls swaddled in their plush, pink blankets. Is everyone having baby girls, or what? That’s what it seems like.
Brooke came to Mom’s house last Thursday night for dinner and for us to see Will. To see Jagger with Will was just so sweet, yet so upsetting at the same time. Jagger was so intrigued by Will. He commented on everything that he did; he laughed at his funny noises and faces; he told me to look at that baby over and over with a smile on his face. Jagger had a sippy cup with a baseball on it, and he said, “Look at my baseball, Will. Do you like my baseball?” It was as if he expected the baby to talk back to him. He truly wanted Will’s attention and wanted to impress him. All I could think about was how sweet and involved he would have been with London. He would have wanted to show her all his toys. He would have loved all of her faces and sounds. He never even met her. Sometimes I feel guilty about that. I’ve mentioned that before, but what’s done is done. Anyway, my point is that Jagger would love being a big brother, and I’m so sad that he’s not one.
My fears of having another child are very great right now. I cannot imagine enduring this torture again. Last week, I decided to email London’s cardiologist and surgeon to see what their knowledge was on my chances of having another child with a heart defect. Here is what Dr. Gottliebson and Dr. Manning had to say:
Ashlee,
I completely understand the concerns you raise. I will say up front that I am not a genetic specialist, so I don't have the exact percentages of chances/risks for having another child with a similar heart defect. Our Genetics team would be an excellent resource to tap for more specific information. Here is the link for more info:
http://www.cincinnatichildrens.org/svc/alpha/h/genetics/default.htm
HLHS is one of the more common heart defects we see, but the overall chance of having a child with any kind of heart defect (most complex to most simple) runs slightly less than 1%. I believe the data the genetics folks quote is that with a history of a child with a heart defect, the chance of having another with a heart defect roughly doubles, so at about 2% chance it's still pretty low. While we are trying all the time to learn about the genetics of heart defects, we do not have many genetic marker tests that can be done to screen in pregnancy or to screen parents.
I hope this info helps. Please let me know if I can help further.
Peter Manning
Hello Mrs. Tomes
Sorry I couldn't reply yesterday. I asked Cheri Franklin, our Fetal Nurse Practitioner, to contact you yesterday o let you know I did get your message, though I am not sure whether she has been able to contact you yet.
Let me first express my deepest sympathies to you, your husband, your son and your extended family for your loss. I knew of London's situation only after her death, and apologize for not having expressed my condolences sooner. I very much hope your healing will be manageable and progressive.
I re-reviewed London's prenatal studies as well as her newborn echo study, and also reviewed her hospital chart. From a prenatal perspective, her anatomy indeed appeared fairly straightforward for Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. Unfortunately, the additional left coronary artery anomaly she had is not only not detectable prenatally, but was not apparent on her newborn echo (several of us have independently re-reviewed the studies), similar to that reported in the very few (2-3) case reports in the literature.
My answer to your question is that London's heart anatomy was indeed extremely rare, not because of the hypoplastic left heart (our center probably sees 20 cases/year), comparable to the numbers seen at many other moderate sized congenital heart programs. The additional finding of a coronary artery anomaly is what made London's condition so rare. I only found 1 case report yesterday for anomalous left coronary artery discovered in the operating room, and despite it being recognized there and heroic measures being used, that baby did not survive. Another report of an anomalous right coronary artery was also not diagnosed until being in the operating room. The other few reports are from pathologic series, after autopsies on other babies who died.
As for chances of recurrence, one of my colleagues here has specifically looked at children with all forms of "left sided obstructive lesions" (of which HLHS is the most severe). Clearly, there is an increased risk, and putting numbers to it is based only on small studies. I just spoke with him about your question - his response - ~ 5% risk of HLHS in another baby for you and your husband; ~15-20% risk of any congenital heart disease (most likely to be something a bicuspid aortic valve, which is often a mild lesion not requiring any intervention at all).
My recommendations to you regarding a future pregnancy are (1) consider discussions with one of our genetic counselors here at CCHMC ; and (2) have us here at CCHMC perform an early fetal echocardiogram (14-16 weeks) if you would consider termination of the pregnancy were we to find a significant heart lesion.
I hope this information is helpful. Please do not hesitate to let me know if I can provide any additional information to you.
Best regards,
Bill Gottliebson
Dr. G’s information was a little more troubling than Dr. Manning’s. I know the chances are slim, but so were the chances of London not surviving the surgery…and so were the chances of London having a rare complication with her anomalous coronary arteries. I don’t trust slim chances any more. Not to be a pessimist, but I’ve been the super tiny percentage before. I’ve been the rare case before, and who’s to say that won’t be me again? Maybe I should be more positive than that. Or maybe I’ve been burned so badly that I don’t want to take any chances. Who knows what our family’s future holds? Maybe I’ll give birth to one or two more healthy babies. Maybe we’ll adopt a little girl who needs a loving family. I don’t know what our family will consist of, but I know that I don’t feel finished. Jagger is the light of my life, and I thank God for him every day. However, I feel the need for more children. I want another baby so badly.
On Friday, November 30, I took Jagger to get his Flu Shot booster. He cried, but was tough overall. I promised him a toy if he was a big boy, so we went to Big Lots afterwards. He got so grumpy and was crying for every toy in the store! It was stressful. Mom, Afton and Alaena met me there and tried to entertain him, but he was a pill! I got him a toy, but it didn’t help his crying. Then, I went through McDonald’s drive thru, and he cried the whole time. He wouldn’t eat his chicken nuggets, and didn’t even care about his toy. We drove to Mom and Dad’s because they wanted him to stay the night with them. Dad was able to calm him down, of course. I was stressed, but emotional also. I just couldn’t take it, I guess, so I began to cry. I left mom and dad’s and went home. Jonathan met me in the entryway, and I just broke down on his chest…sobbing, moaning, and saying, “I want my baby. I just want my baby.” It’s like I didn’t care who was listening. All of my guards were down, and I was just free to mourn and grieve on my husband’s shoulder. Jonathan asked what had caused this, and I just began to vent about all the things that make me grieve over London…many things that I’ve mentioned in this entry. I wanted to just lie in bed in a dark room and cry. However, Cely called and invited us to go out and eat with them. I called her and told her I just wasn’t in the mood. Then, after some convincing from Jonathan, I decided it would probably be good for me to get out of the house, so we went. We met them at their house and went to Stone Hearth. It was great, and I’m glad that we went.
We went to Mom and Dad’s Saturday morning to get Jagger. Santa was in Glendale that morning, so we wanted to take him down there. I started getting sad right before we left – just thinking how I wish London could see Santa for the first time. Anyway, I thought I could handle it. After all, Jagger is big enough to either like Santa and stay in his lap or get scared to death and freak out! I was eager to see what his reaction to Santa would be. We got to Glendale, and I had my sunglasses on so no one could see my red, swollen eyes. Dad took Jagger into the “Sisters” shop (across from the Whistle Stop), and they found Santa! As I walked up the stairs and opened the shop door, I saw one of our student’s moms holding her newborn baby girl in her arms…swaddling her in a satin pink blanket. I immediately turned around, walked quickly around the building with my head cast downward and lost control of my emotions once again.
I shouldn’t care, but that woman has 5 kids…keeps having them, and can’t afford any of them. I’m not saying she’s not a good mom, but it’s not fair! It’s so not fair! Jonathan followed me and said that we would go back to mom and dad’s. I felt terrible, but I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t even see my son sit in Santa’s lap because of my grief. He did sit in Santa’s lap and told him that he wanted toys for Christmas. I wish I had seen that. I am seeing how my grief is controlling so much of my life. It sucks! I try to be strong…I really do, but it’s totally catching up with me.
Clifton and Robin came and got Jagger on Saturday. They took him to Bowling Green for the night. He was excited. Clifton called and wanted to tell us something hilarious that Jagger had said. Clifton stood in a chair to get a book on the top shelf. When Jagger saw him standing up in the chair, he said just as plain as day, “Poppy, you know better than that. You could fall and hurt yourself.” Who knows where he heard that, but it was so funny to think of him being so bossy!
While Jagger was in Bowling Green, I went to E-Town and got my hair highlighted and cut. Afton went with me. We went shopping afterwards, and Mom met us. I attempted to be in a good mood, but I just couldn’t do it. I simply existed – just showed up, basically. Dad called and wanted to meet us at Rafferty’s for dinner, but I opted to go home instead.
I went to Walgreen’s on the way home and spent about an hour printing pictures of London and Jagger. I finally printed all of her precious pictures. I also made our Christmas cards. It has one big picture of Jagger (black and white). He’s got his finger in his mouth and is standing up in the bathtub. He’s filthy from playing in the dirt outside. It’s cute. Then, next to that picture is one of London in her pink dress and little hair bow. The card says “Peace on Earth”, and then I wrote, “In memory of our precious London Cloe. Love, Jonathan, Ashlee and Jagger” I didn’t want our cards to be sad or depressing, but I just felt the need to honor London this Christmas. I would have had a precious picture of her and Jagger if she were here, so I wanted to get as close to that as possible. Plus, no one has seen the pictures of her in her pink dress, so this was my chance to share that. The poor girl at the photo lab in Walgreen’s probably was a nervous wreck because I sat there and cried the whole time that I printed pictures. Oh well…
Also this weekend, Alma Lark called me to check on me. She’s so sweet and thoughtful. She gave me the number to a counselor, Bonnie French. I called to make an appointment, but I haven’t heard back from her (I had to leave a message). I’m not too proud to recognize that I need extra help right now. I need to talk about my feelings, my disappointment, my anger…everything. I definitely do not want to get sucked in too far to this depression thing. I can’t allow myself to do that for Jagger and Jonathan’s sake.
Today, I brought a few pictures of London to school. I displayed them on my desk. Have I mentioned that my heart aches for her? Pictures are the only things that keep her alive in my heart. Yes, I can imagine her and think about her, but pictures allow me to just hold on to that precious, perfect body that I loved so very much.
Life is so hard right now.
December 17, 2007 (Monday)
It’s been a while since I’ve written. Since I last wrote, I have seen a slight improvement in my mood and my attitude. To begin, last Sunday, December 9, I had a very hard day, and actually had to leave church because I was so emotional. Some of it was due to the preacher’s message that we should look forward to what God has in store for us. Another reason I was upset was I kept hearing a newborn baby fussing, having the hiccups, etc. on the other side of church. I’m scared! I want so badly to look forward to what God has in store for my family and me, but I’m very insecure in that right now. I fear hurt; I fear loss and disappointment. As I walked outside, I made my way to London’s tiny grave and just bawled as I stared at her little grave marker – the one with her precious name written on it. As I mourned alone, I noticed someone walking towards me, and it was Jonathan. He just hugged me and let me weep. I just wanted to drive, so that’s what we did. We got Jagger at Mom and Dad’s after church and by then, I had gathered myself a little and felt better. The rest of the day was okay, I guess.
On Tuesday, Dec. 11, I went to see Bonnie French for the first time at 10:00. When I arrived, I immediately felt comfortable and safe in her office. There was calming music playing, it was cozy, and there were baked goodies and spiced tea to drink. It was very clean, organized, and there were inspirational/spiritual verses all over the place. I knew from that moment that God had placed me there at that moment for a reason. A massage therapist, Brenda, gave me a chair massage before I met with Bonnie, and it was wonderful.
My meeting with Bonnie was very enlightening, and I think she’s really going to help me through my grief and other issues that I face on a daily basis. After about 2 hours of talking about my feelings, family history, fears, hopes, etc., Bonnie gave me her insight on where she feels I am at with my grief. She mentioned that she thinks I am having very normal feelings and that my reactions are expected. She also mentioned that she thinks prior to London’s death, that I was in denial that death was possible. Of course, I knew it was a possibility, but I was in denial that it was actually going to happen. I personally never thought that I was in denial, but once I started analyzing what Bonnie had said, I have to say that I agree. It’s like I was a zealot in trying to be in control as much as I could of London’s fate. I swam 100 laps every day, I ate well, I didn’t drink caffeine, I shared my testimony with others, and we had thousands of people praying for her and for us. I prayed diligently daily for London. In a sense, it’s like I had a deep down feeling that all of that would insure that London was going to be okay. I never actually looked at it that way, but I guess it’s true.
Bonnie told me to get a book called Life after Loss by Bob Deits. I have since gotten it, and it’s wonderful. It’s a basic book about grief, and although I’m not a “reader”, I love it and actually look forward to reading it. It makes me feel good and normal. Bonnie also told me that we would be really facing my grief head on in order to move on. I will, at some point, actually write a letter to London. When she told me this, I began to cry because it seemed so difficult to even imagine. She said that I would tell London what I thought about her, where I was emotionally when she died, and where I am now, emotionally. I will basically talk to her in a letter. Bonnie told me that it would be very difficult, but that it would be freeing and emotionally cleansing. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to work through my grief and find happiness and fulfillment again. I go back to Bonnie this Thursday, and I’m looking forward to it.
After my appointment with Bonnie, I thought I would get some Christmas shopping done, so I headed for none other than Wal-Mart! Anyway, I got there and got a phone call from the daycare telling me that Jagger had a 102 degree fever. So, shopping had to wait. I rushed to Upton, got Jagger, and we rushed back to the doctor. He had a terrible ear infection and had to have an antibiotic shot in his leg. I stayed home with him the next day and we had to go back to the doctor so they could check his ear. Unfortunately, he had to have another antibiotic shot in the other leg! It was so sad. I stayed one more day with him, and we had to go back to the doctor a third time so they could check his ear again. Thank goodness he didn’t have to have another shot, but he was put on a 10-day antibiotic. He seems to be feeling much better now.
Friday, we went to Louisville (Mom, Cely, Grandmother, Mary, Jessie, Afton, Alaena, and me) for Cely’s birthday. We shopped for a while and then ate at PF Chang’s. We had a great time, and we laughed a lot. I enjoyed myself. On Saturday, dad kept Jagger, and we did some Christmas shopping. I’m almost done, thank goodness! On Saturday night, we went to the Christmas Cantata at church. It was great, and I didn’t even get emotional except during one song. Yesterday at church, I really felt good. Don’t get me wrong, there are things that still bother me…like parking next to London’s grave or seeing all the baby girls in the nursery. However, I felt stronger yesterday. I wasn’t as emotional, and I truly felt more energized.
One thing that bothered me was when a friend at church told me that her sister was pregnant with a little girl, and how they were so excited. Her sister had a boy about a month after Jagger was born. Anyway, I acted happy for them, and I’m not saying that I’m not happy for them, but it was hard to smile when I don’t have my baby girl. There’s this attitude, I guess, that having a boy and a girl is just the ideal family…you get one of each and get to enjoy all the aspects of both sexes. I am bitter sometimes that I had that, but it was taken away from me. Of course, I absolutely adore everything about my wild little boy. It’s so funny that his Christmas list consists of tractors, diggers, dump truck, trains, combine, etc. He’s such a boy! However, I just grieve the fact that I don’t get to buy pink princess things or hair bows or baby dolls this Christmas. I am sad that I am missing out on having a daughter…I wish so badly that I could see her chubby legs crammed in a pair of stockings! I wish so badly that I could paint her little toenails only to see and hear Alaena’s reaction or to hear her daddy’s response! I just wish she were here for us to kiss on and snuggle with, to give her baths and see her arms and legs flailing with excitement. I want to know what her little coos would sound like or what her smile would have looked like. I never got to see her smile, but my heart only hopes that she felt happy in my arms. I hope that she knew I was her mommy, and I hope she could feel comfort in the way that I talked to her and kissed on her as I stroked her perfectly shaped head and soft dark hair over and over.
I can say that I feel better than I did a few weeks ago. I know that there is no medicine for grief…I just have to wait it out. However, I pray that whenever I get down that I would remind myself of three things that Life after Loss points out…
1) I will not always feel as I do now.
2) I am doing okay. Grief will not destroy me.
3) I will make it through this experience just as others have before me.
December 17, 2007 (Monday)
Michele Drake asked Alaena and me over for dinner. I took Jagger. As Jagger and I were on our way to her house, Jagger started talking about baby Camden, and he said that baby Camden is “coot” (cute). I went along with him, and then he said out of the blue, “Like baby London, Mommy. Baby London is coot.” He said this with a big smile on his face. I was strong enough to say, “Yes, baby, London was cute.” Tears began to well up in my eyes as Jagger continued. “I like baby London, Mommy. I want to see baby London.” I reminded him that baby London was in Heaven and that we couldn’t see her now, but we would see her someday. I reminded him that baby London was with Jesus because he wanted her to feel better. Jagger got upset that he couldn’t see London now. He began to cry and say, “I want to play with baby London, Mommy! I want to see her.”
Can you imagine how this made my heart ache? It was so painful to know, first of all, that London was not coming back. But, it was just as painful to hear her big brother crying to see her and play with her, yet I couldn’t “fix it”…I couldn’t grant his request and make it better. I just prayed for strength at that point and cried. Thank goodness, it was dark enough to see Christmas lights – I quickly changed the subject when we saw a big Santa in someone’s yard. Oh, the joys of grief, that’s all I can say.
Thank goodness, we did have one funny thing happen tonight after we got home. Jonathan was changing Jagger’s diaper. As Jagger lay on the floor, he – all of a sudden – just called Jonathan a “dumbass”. I’m laughing just thinking about that moment and our faces when we realized what he said! Of course, we asked him, “What did you say?” He said it again and again and again (he could tell we were laughing as we turned our heads)! I know it’s wrong, but I got the camera out and video taped his first “bad word”! I asked him where he heard that, and he said “Aunt Naena”. Then, we had to call her. Jagger said, “Aunt Naena, don’t say dumbass. That’s not nice.” Of course, she started dying laughing and told him she was sorry. She kept trying to get him to say it by asking him, “Now, what did I say?”, etc. She’s awful! Anyway, it was hilarious at the time. Thank goodness he hasn’t said it any more. Thank goodness for the laughter that Jagger brings to us!
Monday, May 11, 2009
This day changed my life
The day after Mother's Day is a day that changed my life. When I was pregnant with Jagger, it worked out that I would have my 20 week ultrasound the day after Mother's Day! We were so excited to find out what we were having, and how fitting that we would find out the day after Mother's Day! On this day 4 years ago, we were filled with joy, excitement, and anticipation to welcome our first baby boy...a healthy one at that! I even went to Gap and bought 2 boy outfits afterwards, wrapped them in pretty packages, and presented my parents and Jonathan's parents with them so they could unwrap the gifts to see if they were having their first grandson or granddaughter! It was so much fun!! Jagger was born on September 7, 2005.
The day after Mother's Day is a day that changed my life. Wait...did I say that already? Well, it changed my life again...2 years ago. When I was pregnant with London, it worked out that I would have my 20 week ultrasound the day after Mother's Day! It sounds like I copied and pasted this paragraph, huh?! I couldn't believe that it worked out the same as with Jagger! At the time, it was like a picture-perfect scenario! How cool that I could celebrate the day after Mother's Day again by finding out what we were having! That day, we went into the ultrasound room, and after about 15 minutes, the sonographer asked if we wanted to know what we were having. Of course, we did! So, she began to type the word on the screen...G...I...R...L!!!!!!!! I screamed with excitement! I couldn't believe that I was going to have a baby girl! How perfect that we would have a boy and a girl. Life was absolutely GRAND at that moment! She continued measuring, and everything was going well. She mentioned that the last thing she needed was to get a good picture of the heart, but "she's a busy little booger, and she keeps moving around on me" (those were her words). Then, she asked me to go empty my bladder to see if she could get a better picture. I was oblivious to any concern. Plus, I was having a GIRL, so I was floating on cloud 9 at that moment!! After emptying my bladder, I went back into the dark ultrasound room, and she asked me to lie on my side while she attempted to get a good picture of the baby's heart. After a few minutes of trying, she asked to be excused. When she returned, Dr. Henderson was with her. My jubilation quickly turned to panic as I realized that something was, indeed, wrong. The next few moments changed my life forever. That was when we were told that we needed to go to Louisville to have a level 2 ultrasound done because they could not see all 4 chambers of our baby girl's heart. We began to panic, and Jonathan told Dr. Henderson to be honest in telling us the situation. Don't "sugar-coat it", he kept telling her as tears welled up in his eyes. I asked her what the percentage was that something was wrong, and she said, after hesitating, that she was 95% sure that the baby had something wrong with her heart. She mentioned Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, and after we asked questions, she said that some babies live a few hours, a few days, but that it was not compatible with life. I began to feel sick. I began to feel faint and hot and sweaty. I threw up in the trash can. I was crying. I was in disbelief. I mean, everything else was so perfect! This was my baby girl!!!!!! This is Jagger's little sister! This was my picture-perfect family! What is HAPPENING?!!!
Dr. Henderson scheduled the appointment in Louisville for the next morning, and we left. That was the beginning of our journey. We went to Alaena's house to get Jagger. When we pulled in the driveway, Alaena and Afton were waiting for us...bursting with excitement to find out what we were having! They could sense that something was wrong, and it crushed my heart to have to share such depressing and gut-wrenching news with them about our precious baby girl. Then, Mom and Dad came, and we had to share the news again. Then, Jonathan's parents called, and we had to share the news again. Every time someone asked about how our appointment went, we had to relive our new hell. That experience was so very different than when we shared the news about Jagger. It was the first day of our journey of grief...a different kind of grief, but it was still grief. London was born on September 11, 2007...just four days after Jagger turned 2.
So, this day is bitter-sweet for me because my life was changed forever, for good and for bad, the day after Mother's Day.
The day after Mother's Day is a day that changed my life. Wait...did I say that already? Well, it changed my life again...2 years ago. When I was pregnant with London, it worked out that I would have my 20 week ultrasound the day after Mother's Day! It sounds like I copied and pasted this paragraph, huh?! I couldn't believe that it worked out the same as with Jagger! At the time, it was like a picture-perfect scenario! How cool that I could celebrate the day after Mother's Day again by finding out what we were having! That day, we went into the ultrasound room, and after about 15 minutes, the sonographer asked if we wanted to know what we were having. Of course, we did! So, she began to type the word on the screen...G...I...R...L!!!!!!!! I screamed with excitement! I couldn't believe that I was going to have a baby girl! How perfect that we would have a boy and a girl. Life was absolutely GRAND at that moment! She continued measuring, and everything was going well. She mentioned that the last thing she needed was to get a good picture of the heart, but "she's a busy little booger, and she keeps moving around on me" (those were her words). Then, she asked me to go empty my bladder to see if she could get a better picture. I was oblivious to any concern. Plus, I was having a GIRL, so I was floating on cloud 9 at that moment!! After emptying my bladder, I went back into the dark ultrasound room, and she asked me to lie on my side while she attempted to get a good picture of the baby's heart. After a few minutes of trying, she asked to be excused. When she returned, Dr. Henderson was with her. My jubilation quickly turned to panic as I realized that something was, indeed, wrong. The next few moments changed my life forever. That was when we were told that we needed to go to Louisville to have a level 2 ultrasound done because they could not see all 4 chambers of our baby girl's heart. We began to panic, and Jonathan told Dr. Henderson to be honest in telling us the situation. Don't "sugar-coat it", he kept telling her as tears welled up in his eyes. I asked her what the percentage was that something was wrong, and she said, after hesitating, that she was 95% sure that the baby had something wrong with her heart. She mentioned Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, and after we asked questions, she said that some babies live a few hours, a few days, but that it was not compatible with life. I began to feel sick. I began to feel faint and hot and sweaty. I threw up in the trash can. I was crying. I was in disbelief. I mean, everything else was so perfect! This was my baby girl!!!!!! This is Jagger's little sister! This was my picture-perfect family! What is HAPPENING?!!!
Dr. Henderson scheduled the appointment in Louisville for the next morning, and we left. That was the beginning of our journey. We went to Alaena's house to get Jagger. When we pulled in the driveway, Alaena and Afton were waiting for us...bursting with excitement to find out what we were having! They could sense that something was wrong, and it crushed my heart to have to share such depressing and gut-wrenching news with them about our precious baby girl. Then, Mom and Dad came, and we had to share the news again. Then, Jonathan's parents called, and we had to share the news again. Every time someone asked about how our appointment went, we had to relive our new hell. That experience was so very different than when we shared the news about Jagger. It was the first day of our journey of grief...a different kind of grief, but it was still grief. London was born on September 11, 2007...just four days after Jagger turned 2.
So, this day is bitter-sweet for me because my life was changed forever, for good and for bad, the day after Mother's Day.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Jonathan's Birthday
Fatty!!!
Afton making fun of Jonathan's "cool" picture (and experiencing the tight-rolled feeling for the first time, ha ha)!
Jagger blowing/spitting out the candle with Daddy!!
Jagger & Jett...need I say more??
Spongebob Operation...Jagger's gift to Daddy!
Afton making fun of Jonathan's "cool" picture (and experiencing the tight-rolled feeling for the first time, ha ha)!
Jagger blowing/spitting out the candle with Daddy!!
Jagger & Jett...need I say more??
We had fun celebrating Jonathan's birthday yesterday! Besides the fact that I posted his "hottest" picture ever on the blog and had it put on the school morning announcements, he wasn't too embarrassed! Actually, I'm sure he'll get me back eventually (and probably way worse)! Oh well...here are some pictures from yesterday. Mom cooked us dinner, and it was awesome! Then, she made a delicious strawberry shortcake for Jonathan. It didn't take long for Jagger & Jett to strip down to their underwear, either. This was after they were putting sand in each other's hair in the sandbox! Then, Afton had a blast making fun of Jonathan's picture! I really felt old when she asked what it meant to "tight-roll" your jeans! She's 14, but didn't have a clue! So, as I started showing her with her own jeans, she was dying laughing and kept saying, "You mean, you wore your jeans like this?!!!" Anyway, we had a good time!
Jagger also got his daddy a Spongebob Operation game! He really knows how to work the system because I kind of said, "Honey, daddy doesn't really play games that much. Do you think we should maybe find him something else?" That's when Jagger said, "But, Mommy, me and Daddy can play Doctor Spongebob together. Daddy will love this game. I really want to get Doctor Spongebob for daddy. He'll be so sad if we don't get him this game!" So...I totally folded, and we got the game for "Daddy"! Yeah, right...Jagger knew exactly what he was doing! He wanted the game for HIM, and he got it! Mom's a SUCKER!! What's hilarious is that the idea of the game is to get the pieces out without the buzzer going off. Most people really try hard, and you might only hear a quick buzz every now and then. No, not Jagger! I told Jonathan that I didn't realize the Operation game could sound like a weed-eater! It doesn't phase Jagger a bit when that buzzer goes off!! It's quite entertaining (and will drive me nuts, I'm sure)!!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Happy Birthday to my HOT husband!!!
Oh...he's going to KILL me, but it's SO worth it!!! Happy 34th Birthday, Jonathan! Was he cool or what? First, we have a Beretta (with 5-star wheels, of course!). Then, we can't possibly miss the GUESS shirt, pleated/tight-rolled jeans, braided belt, Bucks (shoes), poofy hair, and "cool" shades!!!!! And the pose...oh, the pose!!!!!!!! Too bad we didn't meet in high school :)
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Being a Mom
Mommy and London
Mommy and Jagger
Mommy and Jack
There's nothing better than being a mom! I am blessed to have a wonderful, loving mother who has taught me everything about how to be a great mom. I am also so thankful that God has given me the opportunity to be a mom to three beautiful children. Today, I received this poem in an e-mail. Since Mother's Day is next Sunday, I thought I would share. I couldn't resist attaching pictures of me with each of my precious children. Have a good day!
Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby
just because I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy, the love, the heartache,
the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
More journal entries (November 2007)
I've tried to pick out journal entries that really reflect the day-to-day struggles I have experienced after losing London. The ones I've attached today reflect on the first time (and only time I might add) that I watched our video of London. I'm almost scared to watch it again. I guess, in time, I will have the desire and the guts to watch it again. I also am sharing the time that I finally explained to Jagger where his baby sister was. Since I have begun this blog, I've read my journal for the first time all the way through. I've been amazed at how far I have come. Some days, I also find myself reading my journal with tears streaming down my face because I remember how I felt back then. I am so thankful that - although I still have my tough grief moments - those intense, gut-wrenching feelings of grief are now behind me - for the most part, anyway.
November 8, 2007 (Thursday)
I watched our personal video of London. I was somewhat scared to actually push Play, but I was ready to see it. As I watched from her birthday until just before her surgery, I just cried and smiled at the same time. It showed her grunting, crying, being still, being active, and lying in her mommy’s arms. It showed her little feet and hands, chubby cheeks, and pretty dark hair. I will cherish it forever.
November 9, 2007 (Friday)
I made another advancement in my healing. I actually printed a picture of London and put it on my desk at work. I smile when I see it, and I am so proud that she was my daughter. Gosh, she was so pretty. How I wish I could nestle my nose in her little fat neck crease! I yearn to experience all of those precious moments with London that I experienced (and continue to experience) with Jagger. Her picture is right beside the family picture of me, Jonathan and Jagger.
Friday evening, Jagger was going up his stairs in his room and I mentioned that he could go in his playroom while Mommy folded clothes. Out of the blue, he said, “That not Yundun’s room, mommy?” “That not Yundun’s room?” This caught me off guard because he had not mentioned London in quite some time. I guess you can say that I have healed a bit because, instead of changing the subject, I decided to explain where London was. We went in his playroom (London’s room), and I sat down beside him. I said, “Jagger, do you remember when baby London was in Mommy’s belly?” He shook his head yes, and said “Is baby Yundun at the doctor, Mommy?” I quickly realized that he definitely did not forget. It had been nearly 8 weeks, and he still remembered that she was at the doctor. I followed his statement with, “No, honey, baby London is in Heaven with Jesus and Nana and Papaw Key.” Jagger replied, “I want to see Heaven. I want to see baby Yundun in Heaven, Mommy.” Although every little statement was breaking my heart, I remained strong and continued to explain. I said, “Jagger, you will get to see baby London in Heaven some day. Baby London was sick, so Jesus wanted her to come to Heaven so that she would feel better. Now she isn’t sick any more.” With that, he shook his head “yes” as if to say he understood, and then he went on playing. Oh, thank goodness he’s only 2 and that was all I had to explain. I guess I can say that I was proud that I was able to explain without crying. I guess that means that I’m better than I was 8 weeks ago, or even 4 weeks ago for that matter.
November 13, 2007 (Tuesday)
Remember how I said that moments come very randomly and usually catch me off guard? Well, that happened last night. Alaena called and wanted to talk to Jagger, so I said, “Jagger, do you want to talk to Laena?” I guess he thought I said London because he looked up and said, “London’s here?” “Mommy, I talk to London?” He’s starting to use his L’s, so her name came out correctly. It put a pit in my stomach because he said it with such excitement. I know he wants to see London, and I can’t fix that. I’m a mommy, and it’s my job to be able to fix things. I’m completely helpless with this. Anyway, I stopped and said, “No, baby, it’s Aunt Laena. Do you remember where baby London is? He smiled and said, “With Jesus.” At that moment I tucked my head, walked to the other room and just cried. How sweet that my 2-year-old understands that his little sister is safe in the arms of Jesus. On the other hand, how devastating that he wants his little sister, but knows that he can’t see her. This made me emotional, but I just had to deal with it. Nothing about this experience is easy…nothing! There are days that aren’t quite as raw as others, but every day is simply a challenge to endure.
November 8, 2007 (Thursday)
I watched our personal video of London. I was somewhat scared to actually push Play, but I was ready to see it. As I watched from her birthday until just before her surgery, I just cried and smiled at the same time. It showed her grunting, crying, being still, being active, and lying in her mommy’s arms. It showed her little feet and hands, chubby cheeks, and pretty dark hair. I will cherish it forever.
November 9, 2007 (Friday)
I made another advancement in my healing. I actually printed a picture of London and put it on my desk at work. I smile when I see it, and I am so proud that she was my daughter. Gosh, she was so pretty. How I wish I could nestle my nose in her little fat neck crease! I yearn to experience all of those precious moments with London that I experienced (and continue to experience) with Jagger. Her picture is right beside the family picture of me, Jonathan and Jagger.
Friday evening, Jagger was going up his stairs in his room and I mentioned that he could go in his playroom while Mommy folded clothes. Out of the blue, he said, “That not Yundun’s room, mommy?” “That not Yundun’s room?” This caught me off guard because he had not mentioned London in quite some time. I guess you can say that I have healed a bit because, instead of changing the subject, I decided to explain where London was. We went in his playroom (London’s room), and I sat down beside him. I said, “Jagger, do you remember when baby London was in Mommy’s belly?” He shook his head yes, and said “Is baby Yundun at the doctor, Mommy?” I quickly realized that he definitely did not forget. It had been nearly 8 weeks, and he still remembered that she was at the doctor. I followed his statement with, “No, honey, baby London is in Heaven with Jesus and Nana and Papaw Key.” Jagger replied, “I want to see Heaven. I want to see baby Yundun in Heaven, Mommy.” Although every little statement was breaking my heart, I remained strong and continued to explain. I said, “Jagger, you will get to see baby London in Heaven some day. Baby London was sick, so Jesus wanted her to come to Heaven so that she would feel better. Now she isn’t sick any more.” With that, he shook his head “yes” as if to say he understood, and then he went on playing. Oh, thank goodness he’s only 2 and that was all I had to explain. I guess I can say that I was proud that I was able to explain without crying. I guess that means that I’m better than I was 8 weeks ago, or even 4 weeks ago for that matter.
November 13, 2007 (Tuesday)
Remember how I said that moments come very randomly and usually catch me off guard? Well, that happened last night. Alaena called and wanted to talk to Jagger, so I said, “Jagger, do you want to talk to Laena?” I guess he thought I said London because he looked up and said, “London’s here?” “Mommy, I talk to London?” He’s starting to use his L’s, so her name came out correctly. It put a pit in my stomach because he said it with such excitement. I know he wants to see London, and I can’t fix that. I’m a mommy, and it’s my job to be able to fix things. I’m completely helpless with this. Anyway, I stopped and said, “No, baby, it’s Aunt Laena. Do you remember where baby London is? He smiled and said, “With Jesus.” At that moment I tucked my head, walked to the other room and just cried. How sweet that my 2-year-old understands that his little sister is safe in the arms of Jesus. On the other hand, how devastating that he wants his little sister, but knows that he can’t see her. This made me emotional, but I just had to deal with it. Nothing about this experience is easy…nothing! There are days that aren’t quite as raw as others, but every day is simply a challenge to endure.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Last night when Jagger said his prayers, this is what he prayed: "Dear Jesus, Thank you for giving me baby Jack, and thank you for letting me be a big brother. Amen." How precious is that! He loves his baby brother, and thank goodness, he has never shown one sign of jealousy. He still tries to make him laugh by dancing for him or making funny faces, and he always talks in a high pitch voice - especially when Jack is crying - and says, "Do you want your big brother?" It's so sweet to see Jagger in his new role!
Switching gears a bit...my weekend was interesting to say the least. I have lost several people in my life. Death has not been too distant for me or my family, but I have never lost someone I know or love to suicide...until now. Our cousin, Laura, in Atlanta committed suicide on Friday, May 1. Laura is my mom's first cousin. She had a rough life and had to endure things that no one should ever have to endure - losing both parents as a teenager, having to live with an aunt and move states after her parents died, being sexually molested by an uncle, going in and out of drug/alcohol rehab...you name it. However, she was blessed by having a wonderful son, who is now a teenager. Laura had a wonderful husband, too, but never seemed to be able to "handle" life. When good things came her way, it's like she couldn't quite deal with it. She had been in rehab recently, but didn't finish the program and was out on her own. I guess the pressure was too much because she used a rope to end her life. And - the worst part of all - she did not know Christ as her savior. Laura was so bitter because of the hardships she endured in her life that she never wanted to hear about God. So, grief is hard, but knowing that Laura is not enjoying the blessings of Heaven is even harder. It's difficult to grasp this whole situation. Now, all we can do is pray for her family, her son (especially), and the ones who tried to reach out to her, yet are feeling a lot of guilt right now that they could have done more. This has made me realize how grateful I am that I have hope in Christ, hope in my salvation, and hope that the end of this life is not the end for me, after all! Do you have hope?
Switching gears a bit...my weekend was interesting to say the least. I have lost several people in my life. Death has not been too distant for me or my family, but I have never lost someone I know or love to suicide...until now. Our cousin, Laura, in Atlanta committed suicide on Friday, May 1. Laura is my mom's first cousin. She had a rough life and had to endure things that no one should ever have to endure - losing both parents as a teenager, having to live with an aunt and move states after her parents died, being sexually molested by an uncle, going in and out of drug/alcohol rehab...you name it. However, she was blessed by having a wonderful son, who is now a teenager. Laura had a wonderful husband, too, but never seemed to be able to "handle" life. When good things came her way, it's like she couldn't quite deal with it. She had been in rehab recently, but didn't finish the program and was out on her own. I guess the pressure was too much because she used a rope to end her life. And - the worst part of all - she did not know Christ as her savior. Laura was so bitter because of the hardships she endured in her life that she never wanted to hear about God. So, grief is hard, but knowing that Laura is not enjoying the blessings of Heaven is even harder. It's difficult to grasp this whole situation. Now, all we can do is pray for her family, her son (especially), and the ones who tried to reach out to her, yet are feeling a lot of guilt right now that they could have done more. This has made me realize how grateful I am that I have hope in Christ, hope in my salvation, and hope that the end of this life is not the end for me, after all! Do you have hope?
Friday, May 1, 2009
New pictures & Jack's 2 month check-up
Jagger was "helping" Jonathan till up the garden at school. Jonathan started a garden for the students and teachers to enjoy.
Aunt Alaena and Jack at Afton's volleyball game
My sister, Afton, getting ready to spike the ball at her school championship volleyball game. They won!!
Typical Jagger...finger half-way to his brain!!
Mommy tickling Jagger :)
Yesterday, I took Jack for his 2 month check-up. He's growing so much! He weighed 12 lbs. 8 oz (75th percentile) and was 23 inches long (50th percentile). Dr. Smith said he's "perfect", which is so great to hear! I find myself getting a little bit nervous at his appointments...nervous of some kind of bad news. That's awful, isn't it? It's like I can't wrap my mind around the fact that he's perfectly healthy and nothing is wrong with him, and everything is really okay! I don't obsess over something being wrong, but I guess it's just in the back of my head when we got to the doctor. If anything, I truly don't take a "healthy child" for granted any more - that's for sure!! Jack had to get 3 shots, and that was really sad! Poor little guy felt like he was being tortured, I'm sure. He did well, though, but it took quite a while for his sniffling to stop! His feelings were really hurt! Anyway, here are some pictures from the past week.
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