Four Plus an Angel

A Perfect Pink Stocking

2009-11-28T20:09:00.011-05:00

This will be the third Christmas without our London. Well, the truth of the matter is that we never had London during Christmas, or any holiday for that matter. But...this will be the third Christmas since we lost our London. That's a more accurate way to say it, I guess. We just had a wonderful Thanksgiving with our family, and it was such a blessing to have Jack with us this year. However, I found myself being really emotional last week before Thanksgiving. I wasn't really sure what had sparked my emotion, but I truly think that it was just that the holidays were approaching, and I was faced with the reality - yet again - that London was not here. Although I know this and I accept this fact, it's still so raw during the holidays - during those times when family is supposed to be celebrated, and you somehow seem closer than ever to the ones you love. That is why it hits me so hard.

I wish she were here. This year, London would be 2 years old. I can just imagine what she would be doing during this holiday season. Would she like Santa or would she scream? What toys/dolls/babies would she like? What Christmas dress would she wear, or what big Christmas bow would we put in her hair? Gosh, I could just keep going, but those things hurt me so badly as her mommy. I feel cheated! I can't help it. I just ache for her. I want to know what she would look like, feel like, sound like. I want her here with us.

I have wanted to find a stocking to hang in her memory, but I just haven't found the "right" one. That is, until today. I was strolling through Target with my sisters, and out of the blue, I spotted the most perfect stocking for London, and I had to get it. It is light pink satin with a pink velvet ruffle, and a rhinestone princess crown on it. It's so dainty, prissy and just "fits" her! She is our princess, and this stocking is definitely fit for a princess!

When I brought it home today, I asked Jonathan if we should add it to the other three or hang it in the middle. He insisted that it hang in the middle. When I hung this beautiful pink stocking in between the two more masculine stockings, I got a big lump in my throat. I sat on the couch in front of the fireplace, and I couldn't help but to cry. As I looked at the mantle, it wasn't just 3 stockings hanging there. It was as if my two boys were hugging their sister - one on each side of her. There is absolutely no pink in our house. I think I have one sweater with pink stripes, but that's about it. Pink does not go with our decor, so this satin and rhinestone stocking really stands out. And you know what? That's exactly how I want it. It should stand out. It's absolutely perfect that this pink stocking - that doesn't match anything - is now in the center of our mantle and at the center of our family room. A conversation piece? Absolutely. For some strange reason, when I hung London's stocking tonight, it was as if she were here with me. It was as if my daughter - my baby girl - was in the room beside me.

When Jagger saw the stocking, he said, "Mommy that is so adorable" as he hugged it against his chest. Unfortunately, I ordered our Christmas cards this morning, and our precious pink stocking is not a part of the pictures! But...that's okay. It's now a part of our home and our Christmas, and I feel that London is even closer to us during this sacred time of the year.

It may seem strange, but as I've said a hundred times before, grief will make you do/think/say strange things sometimes. Oh, how I wish London were here. She isn't - she never will be. But...we can remember her, honor her and symbolize her in our heart and in our home forever.

Please pray

2009-11-11T20:34:00.002-05:00

When I began my blog, I felt like I had so much to share and so much to say. My heart is still so full, but it's not overflowing with grief like it used to. Don't get me wrong, I have a sadness in my heart for my precious baby girl that is yet to leave. In fact, I don't see it truly ever leaving. However, that sadness comes in brief waves and is - thankfully - more manageable now. I don't even cry very often now. Even when something upsets me or catches me off guard about London, I can usually just take a deep breath and recover rather quickly. Not always...but most of the time.

There are times when I allow myself to just think about the darkest moments of my life - moments like the ultrasound when we learned of London's diagnosis, the wretched appointment when we were told we could terminate the pregnancy, allow our baby to die, or have her endure 3 open heart surgeries; the nurse telling us the "unexpected complication" during London's surgery; the final shake of the head from the nurse that told us our baby was gone; seeing her precious, tiny white casket with pink roses sitting on a platform; and the silence and darkness that followed those moments. Oh, how it hurt. How I was paralyzed with grief, and how I felt that I couldn't possibly recover from the worst pain I could ever endure.

But...here I am, and I have survived. I never thought that I would, but God is good and He is faithful. He has brought us through the valley of the shadow of death, and He has been with us and restored our joy. On the other hand, there are those who are just entering the valley. There are those whose hearts have just been ripped apart; lives have been changed forever; and grief has consumed their entire being.

My heart has felt so burdened this week for a lady whom I used to go to church with - a beautiful, sweet lady named Heather. Heather was pregnant with her third child - a healthy little boy named Ethan. Heather was to be induced last Thursday. Her 2 children were looking forward to meeting their little brother, and the anticipation of new life was as wonderful as it could be. Until...the day of the induction, there was no heartbeat. That was it. It was over. All the planning, all the anticipation, all the excitement, dreams, plans, future...it was all over and destroyed. My heart has just ached for this sweet family. It makes me literally sick to think of going back to those first wretched, horrible days, and I am so sad that another family is having to endure the same thing. This family has a wonderful support system, they have their faith, but they do not have their precious baby boy. And, speaking from experience, when you've lost a piece of you that you nurtured for 9 months in your womb, felt kick and move, and grew to love more than life itself even before you ever saw them, not even the promise of heaven takes the pain away. So, I ask you...will you pray for this family? Will you pray that Heather and her family will have peace, comfort, strength, and faith.

We do not understand God's ways or his timing, but in moments like this, oh how I wish I could get a glimpse of what His plan is! I have learned that in these moments, we have to love him anyway - because He loves us. When you're mad, angry, hurting deeper than any human should, and you just want to know WHY...that's when all you can do is just trust him and love him. No, I didn't say agree with him or be chipper with him, necessarily. But...we should still go to him, tell him what we want to say - good, bad, ugly - because he knows anyway. He knows our pain. He knows we don't understand. But he's there and he loves us. He loves Heather and her family and he knows why this has happened - he sees the whole picture. So, will you pray for them? Thank you!

Happy Halloween!

2009-10-31T18:32:00.003-04:00

Happy Halloween! Jagger had fun tonight at "trunk or treat" at church. He'll be on a sugar high for a week! Out of 4 new costumes that he got for his birthday - 2 transformers and 2 GI Joe men - he decided today that he wanted to be Batman again! That's what he wore last year. Oh well.
I bought Jack's costume last Halloween at Old Navy on clearance for $4.99! They only had a 3-6 months when I bought it, and he's crammed in it, but it works! We have laughed all day at him in this costume!! He's just too funny :) Enjoy a few pictures of my little dragon and Batman.

Hello again!

2009-10-15T18:15:00.009-04:00

My goodness, it's been way too long since I've posted! Between vacation and sick little ones, keeping up with the blog has been difficult to do. Since I've posted last, we had a wonderful Fall Break and traveled to Gatlinburg, TN for 5 days. We stayed in a cabin in the Smokey Mountains, shopped, and ate too much, of course! This is the 4th year that our family of 4, my parents, both sisters and brother-in-law have gone together to Gatlinburg, and yes...we've managed to actually have fun and get along without feeding anyone to the bears all 4 times :) We did see a total of 3 bears this trip! One was right in the back yard of the cabin, walked around to the front and tried to get into our trash. It was so cute! Alaena and Jagger saw one as they walked up the street. Jagger spotted it first, and Alaena was certain it was going to chase them and eat them whole. They made it back in one piece! Then, Afton and Dad saw one while they drove into town one night. Very exciting :)

On the day we came home, Jack had a temperature of 102.5! I, the infamous worry wart, freaked out and was certain something was "bad wrong" with him. The doctor could squeeze him in at 6pm - thank goodness - and the poor little guy had the flu and strep throat! Either of those things are hard on an adult, and he's only 7 months old! But, with some medicine and lots of (well, even more than usual) attention from mommy and daddy, he was fine and is back to his wild little self now. I do think he's a bit more spoiled now! Since our trip, Afton, Dad, Mom and Jack have had the flu! I am still holding out...I refuse to get sick!

Grandmother and Granddad came up and kept the boys on Monday when we had to return to work, and the boys had so much fun. Granddad and Jagger went to a little country store in our town for lunch - just the two of them, and Grandmother just carted Jack around all day! She even managed to cook for us and clean up Jagger's messy playroom. There's just something about Grandmother and Granddad! First of all, Grandmother could run circles around me...she never stops! They are ALWAYS there when we need them, they bend over backwards to help us, and they show such love and support to us and our boys. We are so blessed to have them!

This week, I started a team for the American Heart Association Heart Walk in honor of London. It's one small thing that we can do to honor our baby girl, so I look forward to that. On the other hand, it's very difficult to face the reality that this is in "memory" of London. I know it's been 2 years, but my goodness, I still have such difficult days. Time keeps passing, and London is still a newborn to me. I mean, Jack is already almost 8 months old - so much older than his "big" sister. It's just strange and difficult sometimes.

On the other hand, God just continues to use our precious boys to bless us more than I could ever imagine. Jagger cracks us up every day and comes off with the most hilarious sayings. Oh, and he's starting to get a little bit "annoyed" by his baby brother! I was just oblivious to the fact that they may actually act like "brothers" eventually, but it's happening sooner than I thought. Jagger still adores Jack, but Jack is starting to grab his things, pull his hair, grab and bite his finger if it gets anywhere close. You know, he's just being the little brother! I love it, though. It's funny when Jagger gets a little put out with him. I love the fact that Jagger is able to be a big brother and have a sibling to be grumpy with! Jack is sitting up all the time, blowing his food everywhere, saying momma, da da da, bubba, and bye bye. He's giving the yummy open-mouth kisses, too! It's so precious.

Well, I guess I'm back up to date now. I've attached some pictures of the past few weeks.

We got to enjoy this view all week in Gatlinburg!

There it is!!

Jonathan, Jagger, Me and Jack in "The Village" in Gatlinburg

Bryan, Alaena, Jonathan, Jagger, Me, Jack, Mom, Dad, Afton

Isn't that crazy?!

You can't go to Gatlinburg without getting an airbrushed shirt! He chose Ben 10. Jack was having loads of fun, as you can tell!

Sweet smiles, huh?

Jagger had fun scooping out the "guts" of his jack-o-lanterns

My sweet boys and one humbling moment...

2009-09-26T17:37:00.004-04:00

Can you see Jack's 2 bottom toofers? He knows how to use them, too! Ouch :)

Not only does he have teeth, he's learning to sit on his own. How did he get this big already?

He's so proud of himself!

Okay...let me explain!!! The other day, Jagger was looking for a random toy, and while I helped him search, I got the grand idea of dumping all of his toy boxes/crates/buckets...you name it...because it needed to be organized anyway (and I got a little frustrated, too)! What was I thinking? Then, of ALL nights, we got a call that our realtor was going to show our house the NEXT day!!! Ughhhh...so guess what I did all night!

This picture tells a story to me - a special story. Last week, my sister (who is a high school teacher) handed me a folded hand-written note from one of her students - who happens to be one of my former students as well. She was always one of my favorites; she stood out because of her sweet spirit, kind heart and hard work ethic. But as a teacher, I was also drawn to her because gave so much at school yet had so very little at home. She was one whom I would have loved to fix up, take shopping, give her a makeover...you know what I mean? She had so much to overcome, and I just loved her.

Well, to my surprise, she had mentioned in her note how cute she thought Jagger and Jack were (Alaena has shown her pictures) and she wanted to give them something. At this point, Alaena had pulled two hats from behind her back that this student had asked her to give to Jagger and Jack. As Alaena handed me the hats, I noticed immediately that they were both old, worn, and dirty, and immediately I was humbled because I realized that this was all that she had to give.

There were no fancy tags to tear off, no pretty packaging - just 2 hats that she wanted my boys to have as their gift from her.

I was just in awe and so very humbled when I received this gift. Not to mention that Jagger was so excited! He LOVED his new UK hat, and it didn't matter to him in the least that it wasn't brand new. It was a gift, and he was so excited. I washed the hats when we got home, and now they're as good as new...and pretty cute, too.

This reminded me that God truly can use anything and anyone to teach me a lesson and bless my heart. This little girl blessed my heart with her selflessness. If only we all had that kind of spirit. The greatest gifts are not the most expensive ones.

Happy 4th Birthday, Jagger!

2009-09-18T21:10:00.004-04:00

Well, I'm two weeks behind in posting pictures of my big boy's 4th birthday! Jagger turned 4 on Labor Day, and since it was a long weekend, we partied ALL weekend. On Friday night, we literally had about 16 kids at our house, a bouncy castle, and they were all HIGH on cake, candy and ice cream! It was WILD!! On Jagger's actual birthday, his Grandmommy cooked and had him a "pirate" party. She even decorated a pirate cake. I can't believe he's already 4! Here are some pictures...

We had a Transformer party this year, and Mimi and Poppy got Jagger this "Bumblebee" transformer suit!

Boys....gotta love 'em!

Did I mention about 16 kids, a bouncy castle, cake, ice cream and candy???

Jagger and his pirate cake...on his "real" birthday :)

The "fatness" as we like to call him...Jagger was cracking up at this! Jack now has 2 teeth on the bottom. He's a big boy!

She would be 2...

2009-09-11T11:25:00.012-04:00

Two years ago today, we were blessed with this beautiful baby girl. London was born at 3:02 pm, weighed 7 pounds, 11 ounces and was 20.5 inches long. We were and still are so proud.

London had little tight lips as she clenched during her "photo shoot"!

This was the last picture that was taken of our baby...just moments before she was taken into surgery.

London being weighed for the first time in the delivery room. This scale said 7-12, but the "official" scale in the nursery said 7-11...who knows!

Proud parents...and one pretty little girl.

I love this one because London was making a hilarious face when I tried to put her passy in her mouth, but she didn't want it.

She almost opened her eyes in this picture. Her pink passy is in her special box at home.

Sleeping Beauty... Need I say more?

Daddy's girl

London's first moments...

How do I even begin? My heart is so heavy today - and has been for several days now as I have anticipated London's 2nd birthday. We just visited our baby girl's grave and took her a dozen pink roses like we did last year on her birthday. When Jagger asked how we can tell London Happy Birthday, I told him that he and Jack can send her balloons with a birthday message attached, and they'll float all the way to heaven. I told him that we can pray and ask God to give London a message for us, and I told her that we can talk to her at her special place (her grave), and she can hear us. How else should I answer my four year old?

All of these things are ways that we try to get close to her. We imagine that we have a connection with London by doing these things. Our human nature wants so badly to believe that she knows us, that she can hear us, that she is aware that we are celebrating her life with us and grieving her 2 years without us. We yearn for her and wish so badly that we could experience the same closeness with her that we have with Jagger and Jack.

As I've posted before, the song "Held" by Natalie Grant mentions that "This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the SACRED is torn from your life, and you survive." Days like today, I realize that I am being held by my Father...that the only way we can survive having our baby girl "torn" from our lives after 9 months in my womb and 2 days in our arms is because of the peace and comfort that He gives us.

I was having a rough night last night, and it was very fitting that my devotion last night was on Heaven and how we cannot even fathom how incredible Heaven will be. That God has created this REAL place for us as the ultimate reward for loving Him and trusting in Him while we're here on earth. I was reminded last night as I grieved my daughter that she is enjoying those riches right now. She's in God's presence in the most glorious place ever created, and here I am wishing she were back here in this place where there's hurt, pain, disease, disappointment, etc. Who would want to come back to this place?! I'm selfish as her Mommy, but she's in better hands right now. I needed that reminder last night to realize, once again, that I really WILL see her again. I'm very impatient, and this is the longest I will have to wait for something I want so badly, but it WILL happen.

I've wondered what theme her party would have tonight, what hilariously cute outfit I would put on her, how I would fix her hair for the big event, what toys she would get, how she would react to the festivities (after all, at 2 she would realize that it's all about her!), what friends would come to her party, how her brothers would react to her...should I go on?

It's very difficult to accept the reality that we will never know. That's it. It's all in my imagination - in my dreams because we will NEVER know all of those things. Broken hearts and broken dreams. That is what we will always have. However, our hearts can be mended - scarred, but mended. Our broken dreams of life with London are being replaced with dreams of life with Jagger and Jack. Life goes on - it definitely doesn't cater to our heartache, and that's okay I guess.

God has given us so many reasons to smile. He has blessed Jonathan and me with a wonderful marriage, with 2 healthy little boys, with a beautiful daughter whom we will see in time, and a wonderful support system through friends, family and church.

As we grieve today and throughout each year, we are well aware of the blessings that have been richly bestowed upon us, and we will not take them for granted. But, for today, we boldly profess our grief and our pain that comes with losing our precious baby girl. We celebrate this day, 2 years ago, when we finally got to see her precious face, hold her precious body, hear her precious cries and grunts, feel her sweet breath on our cheeks, sing to her, pray over her, read to her, and have hope for her life. Her life was short, but so meaningful.

As I said at her funeral, "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." London didn't have a great number of breaths, but the moments we had with her took our breath away, and we will always be grateful for those moments.

I leave you with one of my favorite poems that I printed and put on my refrigerator when my grandfather died 5 years ago, and it has brought me comfort and peace so many times since then.

What God Has Promised

God has not promised

skies always blue,

Flower strewn pathways

all our lives through.

God has not promised

sun without rain,

Joy without sorrow

or peace without pain.

But God has promised

strength for the day,

Rest for the laborer

and light on the way.

He promised grace for the trial

and help from above,
Unfailing sympathy

undying love.

~ Author Unknown

Pictures

2009-08-30T14:34:00.012-04:00

Grandmommy and Jack

Jack got his first tooth this week - on the bottom! Thank goodness for teething rings :)

Jonathan driving a race car "go-cart"...that's just funny.

Did I ever tell you that Jagger loves mud?!

And his cowboy boots... :)

To be held...

2009-08-22T19:51:00.011-04:00

It's amazing to me how God can speak when I least expect it. Today, I bought a Natalie Grant CD because I absolutely love the song "Held". Before today, I didn't know the words of the verses, and I only knew a few words in the chorus, but I loved the melody. I'm queen of making up random words if I don't know a song just so I can sing along!! Sad, I know.

In the car today, I pulled out the book inside the CD case and found the words to the song, and I began to sing with Natalie (while Jonathan drove, of course...I wouldn't read and drive!!). I was excited to finally get to sing the right words, but I had no idea that God would speak to me in such an amazing way as I read - for the first time - the words of the song. I was in shock to find that the song is about a mother losing her child because he couldn't be healed, how bitterness and hatred can creep in when we experience the "nightmares" of life, how it's not fair, but that God holds us and helps us to survive. It also speaks of our impatience to finally see our savior in heaven...when all of these nightmares will be over and our suffering will be no more. What a song!! I think the message of this song can speak to anyone about any hardship, so I've found the song and if you're up to hearing it, click on the title of this post, then click on "Held". Also, I've attached the words because they're beautiful. God is so good at reminding me of his love when I need it most :)

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing

To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

There's a first time for everything!

2009-08-16T17:51:00.005-04:00

I just couldn't help myself! Right after we left church today, we stopped at a red light, and Jonathan said to me, "Ummm, what's WRONG with this picture?" I didn't really know what he was talking about, BUT THEN...here is what I saw! I wasn't sure how to react, but I admit that I just busted out laughing!

Uhh, yes... you are looking at a couple out on a leisurely Sunday drive on their 3-wheel motorcycle - with 2 big exhaust pipes - hauling a CASKET on a trailer!!!!! Come on...tell me that's not funny!!! I'm assuming the casket was empty - let's hope so :)

Boys will be boys :)

2009-08-14T19:11:00.007-04:00

Jack is almost 6 months old! I can't believe it!

There's just something about boys and mud!

I mean, doesn't that just look FUN?!!

Okay, so maybe Papaw was being a bit dramatic, but Jagger loved pushing him from behind!!

Jagger and Jack went blackberry picking with Grandmommy :)

Happy Birthday, Alaena! We got some of mom's Hummingbird cake for the special occasion...yummm!!

We've come a long way

2009-08-06T18:06:00.013-04:00

Well, another school year has begun and I survived our first three days! It was WILD! I miss getting up and drinking coffee in my pj's, but I love my job and the people I work with, so it'll be okay :) I know, those of you who get one or two weeks of vacation a year want to knock me out right now, right? I mean, we teachers do get about 12 weeks of vacation a year!!! Sorry!

Anyway, I was reading some of my journal entries from last August this week, and it's amazing to me how my life has changed - and improved - since one year ago. Last August, I was nearly 3 months pregnant, and we were filled with so many different emotions. As thankful and excited as we were to be having another baby, our fears of losing another baby were all too great. Satan had a full time job trying to scare me, make me think of all the hundreds of things that could be wrong with my third child, trying to convince me that, maybe for some reason, we didn't deserve to be happy again - that we were surely doomed!

One thing I learned last year at this time was that the same God who had taken London "home" after just 2 short days was the God whom we trusted to deliver us from our pain and suffering. If you've kept up with my blog, you've seen where I admitted that I was angry with God for a while. I was bitter that, in a nutshell, I didn't get my way with him. However, I learned that some things are just not for us to understand. Period. So, like children get upset with their parents - asking "why", pouting a little, crying, getting angry, etc. - I was like that with God. But, also, just as children eventually get over it, curl up in their parents' laps after being upset, and recognize that they still love them and need them, I too came running back to God, falling at his feet and trusting him, once again, with everything I had.

I just wanted this baby to be okay. I wanted to be happy again. I wanted Jagger to be a big brother - other than just helping clean his little sister's monument. I wanted to experience being a mommy to a newborn, since all of those responsibilities that I prepared for with London were stripped from me. I HAD to trust in God. After losing London, I realized that percentages didn't matter; people's opinions didn't matter...what was meant to happen was going to happen, regardless. To allow myself to be vulnerable again was so hard.

Even after so much worry, God blessed us over and over. First, we saw the little heartbeat inside of a butter bean, and we felt relief! I got to the 12 week mark, and we felt more relief. At 14 weeks, we saw a clear picture of a 4-chambered heart and a clear picture that we were having a little boy! Words can barely describe the relief we felt that day!! Still, I worried about other things that could go wrong. But...at the 20 week ultrasound, we saw that our Jack was completely healthy, and oh how we praised God!! Still, I worried about the rest of my pregnancy. But, on February 22, we finally welcomed our third miracle!! And...everything was fine, and believe it or not, it's still fine!

So many things that we hoped and prayed for last August have come to be, and we do have renewed joy and happiness with Jack in our lives. I am no longer drowning in my grief, gasping for air. Instead, I would say I'm wading in my grief. It's still there, but it's not nearly as debilitating as it once was. Every now and then, a huge wave of grief will hit me and make me stumble, but I can get up much faster now and continue on my way. As much as I wish that London were here and that none of this hurt ever occurred, I find myself growing to appreciate my grief. Sounds weird, huh? What I mean is that with every month, day, year that passes - and as those memories of me holding my baby become more and more distant - my grief keeps her close to my heart. It reminds me of one of the greatest gifts that God has ever given me.

There are blessings in every curse. Your "curse" may be losing a loved one, divorce, losing a job, losing your home...whatever...but know that if you trust in God, he will pull you through. It doesn't mean it will remotely be easy. Let's face it, you may not have ever chosen your situation (Lord knows I didn't), but you've been put there for a reason. How will you handle it? How can you use it to help others? Through losing London, I have been blessed beyond measure. I've met wonderful friends whom I never would have met. I've learned to appreciate things like I never have before, and I don't take anything for granted.

One of my favorite Bible verses that helped me during my time of such uncertainty is Jeremiah 29:11. It says, "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil. Plans to give you a future and a hope." I still trust in this verse and have faith that it is true for me and my family.

Pictures from July

2009-08-01T11:24:00.015-04:00

Jagger is finally sleeping in his big boy "Spiderman" bed every night! We're so excited! I know, I know...he's almost 4!

Jonathan's parents, Mimi and Poppy, visited from Florida, and the boys were so glad to see them!

Jack didn't like Granddad's song!

First of all, it's amazing how cowboy boots "go" with every outfit! Jagger's favorite spot in Grandmother and Granddad's house is in Granddad's massage chair with the neck massager, too!

Yesterday was rough...

2009-07-12T08:20:00.012-04:00

Before I tell about my day yesterday, I'll begin by saying that Jack had his 4 month check-up on Friday, and everything looks "perfect"! As I've mentioned before, that is just so nice to hear! He weighed 14 pounds, 15 ounces (50th percentile) and was 26 inches long (75th percentile). I would have never guessed that he was actually longer than he is chubby! He got 3 shots, so that's not fun, but he's doing great.

Another thing that happened yesterday was when Jagger was watching cartoons, an Assurant Health commercial came on. It always comes on when he watches this particular channel, so I guess he's heard it a million times. Anyway, I was sitting there with him, and he looked up during the commercial and said, "Mommy, we need Assurant Health." Well, I explained that we have insurance, and it helps us to pay the doctors and for our medicine, etc. By this time, the commercial was over and cartoons were back on. About a minute later, Jagger looked up at me and very seriously said, "Mommy, I know you can't see it or touch it, but you know you need Assurant Health to protect you and your family." As you can imagine, I just sat there with my jaw to the floor and then just cracked up! He had memorized an insurance commercial! Okay, I should get the point that he probably watches too much TV!!! It was great, though :)

Now, I have to share about my day yesterday. It was rough. It started off fine. We watched cartoons, I drank my coffee, played with the boys...our normal morning routine. Then, on one of Jagger's cartoons, a birthday song came on. So, Jagger and I began talking about his birthday. It's September 7, and it's like I couldn't believe that it's only 2 months away. My baby will be 4 in just 2 months! That is crazy. Where has the time gone? So, I pondered that thought for a moment, and then it hit me. Just as I'm amazed that Jagger will be four, I realized that in just 2 months (Sept. 11), London would be 2. She would already be 2 years old! How can that be? I remember Jagger's 2nd birthday. It was like a family reunion and Christmas all at the same time...tons of people, and tons of presents! He was wild on his 2nd birthday...got into the cake way before we cut it, loved playing with his friends, wore his new Spiderman snow boots with his Spiderman shorts and tank top (hey, it went together!), and he had so much fun. So, here we are...just 2 short months before London would be 2. What would she be doing? What would we choose this year for her party theme? She would be talking up a storm now. What would her voice sound like, her laugh, her cry? What would her personality be like? Would she be shy and calm or would she be miss bossy pants - bossing her brothers and ruling the roost? I can imagine her as the latter of the two! I can see her trying to hold Jack (probably by his neck), give him a bottle, probably taking toys away from Jagger, loving make-up, dolls, dresses, Mommy's high heels, tea parties, playing dress-up, helping Mommy cook,...all of those girly things that are just a normal part of a little girl's life.

All I can do is imagine...

I was emotional. As I let my emotions run free for a while, I began to think about the very last moment I had with London. We were standing by her little bed in the hallway with the operating room door in sight. The nurses told us to kiss her and tell her bye, and we would see her after surgery. So, I leaned over her little bed, and whispered to my baby girl, "I love you London. Be a strong girl, and mommy will see you after surgery. You're going to be okay, baby. They'll take good care of you." My tears were falling on her cheek, but she didn't care. I kissed her sweet face, and rubbed her little chest - wires and all - and had to eventually back away as they wheeled her into the operating room. Why would I think of that moment? I guess because it's the last time I saw her. I didn't have a clue that it would be the last sight of my baby - this side of heaven. I guess I'm glad I didn't know.

For 22 months, London's things (as I've mentioned before) have been in my brother-in-law's parents' basement. They've been so gracious to store it there for us. However, it's not their place to keep it there forever, so I've been wanting to move it to my parents' house (we don't have a basement right now). I've see her things once in these 22 months - just one time...and it wasn't easy. Yesterday, Alaena and Bryan got all of London's things from Bryan's parents' house and brought them to Mom and Dad's. Afton, Jagger and I had gone to town to run some errands, and their intentions were to load everything before we got back. Well, we returned a little sooner than they planned. I knew they might get everything yesterday, and I had even offered to help, but Alaena insisted that I let them do it. So, last night, as I sat on the back patio, I saw Bryan's truck pull up with a load of precious white furniture in the back. My heart sank, and my emotions began to overflow again. All I could think about was that all of her precious things were being moved to another basement...just to sit there again for who knows how long. They weren't being delivered to a new room, or a new house. They were just being moved to store away again...to hide. Anyway, Alaena came over and apologized that they didn't have it moved already, and she told me to just sit there and let them handle it. She was very considerate of my emotions...and she knew I was having "one of those days". I couldn't see much from where I was sitting, but I did glance inside once and noticed my dad carrying the brand new white glider with the pink cushion. All I could do was just hang my head and weep. I never got to hold London and rock her in that chair. It wasn't even broken in. Broken, though, is what I am...I reflect on my broken heart, my broken dreams, and it hurts. I guess I get used to the pain at times, but I'm still broken.

After they moved everything in, Dad came outside - shirt wet with sweat from moving her things. He just came over and hugged me, and I broke down once again. He told me how it made him sad, too, and that he was sorry. As I just vented and bawled my eyes out to him, I remember saying how sometimes it's just so raw and painful that I wish I could escape my own skin. It's almost like I get a huge sense of panic at times that she's gone...forever...and I will NEVER see her again in this life. It's too much to handle at times.

Dad went on to share with me that a customer that he had yesterday (Dad owns a car lot) noticed his pictures all around his desk, and asked him how many grandchildren he had. Dad told him 3, but shared that he lost his granddaughter because she had a heart defect and didn't survive her surgery. Much to dad's surprise, this man looked at him and said, "Steve, I know exactly how you feel. I lost my granddaughter, too, when she was 4 years old. She had a heart defect and didn't survive her 3rd surgery." His granddaughter had a different heart defect, but they went on to discuss their hurt and their losses...and who would have thought that this man would have "been there" too. You just never know what some people have been through.

I told Dad, though, that I appreciate him saying that he has 3 grandchildren. People mean well...I totally believe that...but I've heard several times (especially since Jack has been born) that he is my second child. That hurts because he is not my second child. He is my third. Remember, there were those 9 months in between my two boys that I carried my little girl. I had 4 months of sickness with her. I felt her kick and move and tumble inside my belly. I had ultrasounds, echocardiograms, doctor visit after doctor visit for her. We traveled 2 hours away to get the best care for her. We had 2 baby showers for her. I prepared a room for her, bought her clothes, blankets, hair bows and toys. We held her, heard her cry, sang to her, prayed over her, talked to her...remember? She was real. She was my second child. Her existence was short, but it was real. She deserves to be remembered.

My life is good. I am blessed with 2 precious, healthy and very lively boys and a wonderful, loving husband. They make me smile and bring so much joy to my life. I recognize the blessing that they are to me. However, I am scarred and always will be. I miss my baby girl. I am sad...

It's been a while :)

2009-07-05T15:38:00.008-04:00

Jagger getting ready for bath time...with an arm-load of toys.

Jack's first time trying cereal.

Jagger and Daddy love exploring the farm at Grandmother and Granddad's house.

Grandmother and Granddad with the boys.

This outfit was picture-worthy!

Well, if there's one thing that's true about summer break, it's that I haven't made much time for checking email or blogging! I've neglected to post pictures or entries lately...sorry! So, here are some recent pictures of the boys. Also, if you click on the title of this link, you can see video of Jack's first time trying rice cereal :) Jack is doing great and getting so big. Jagger continues to crack us up daily and amazes me with his hilarious sayings. For instance, the other day he said, "Oh, I can't find a man that's more impressive. Mommy, that means more awesome." He was upset that he couldn't find a cool superhero man in his messy playroom.

Things have been going pretty well. I've had a couple of rough days here and there. Just a couple of nights ago, for example, Jagger was saying a prayer before he ate his dinner. He said, "Dear God, thank you for this food, and thank you for baby London and that she's in Heaven, and thank you for baby Jack. Amen." This just caught me off guard and sparked a grief moment. It was just a sharp reminder that London is on Jagger's mind more than I know. Another thing he mentioned the other day was that he wanted to see baby London big. He asked if we will ever get to see her big. Of course, I had to explain that we would not get to see her big. He then asked if she was getting big in Heaven. As he continued to ask questions, my emotions got the best of me. Moments like that are so difficult. Holidays are a bit tough, too. The 4th of July definitely doesn't have the same affect on me as Christmas or Thanksgiving, but there's something about fireworks that is just magical to children. Their eyes just light up, and they get so excited to see the beautiful fireworks light up the sky. As Jagger had a blast enjoying the fireworks yesterday, I couldn't help but imagine what London would think of them. She would be at an age where she would certainly be amazed by them. Moments like that are simple, but they're a grim reminder that I will never witness her precious face enjoying moments like that. That's very hard to accept sometimes. At the same time, I realize that I am blessed to see Jagger and Jack's sweet faces daily, and for that I am so thankful.

Blessings!

2009-06-23T14:11:00.003-04:00

"Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress." Psalm 107:6

How comforting to know that we can cry out to the Lord in our times of trouble, and he is able to deliver us from our distress. I know first hand, as you do also, that he does not always deliver us from our distresses in the way that we would like. However, he is always there with us as we go through the storms of this life.

But...what about those times when God's plan is totally in tune with our plan? It's an incredible feeling when a prayer is answered the way that we had hoped for. I guess part of the satisfaction is because we're human and selfish! God knows that, though, and it's just awesome when you truly pray for something and God answers the prayer the way we want. Well, that happened today!

If you've read my recent posts, you saw where my great friends, Ginny and Robbie, were being faced with yet another huge storm. Robbie was diagnosed with cancer. From all of the scans, they had decided that it was Hodgkin's Lymphoma. However, they wanted to get a better sample for a biopsy. Last week when Robbie had the biopsy, the surgeon told them that it actually didn't look like cancer to him - that perhaps it was just scar tissue from a previous infection. As you can imagine, they were relieved to an extent, but still nervous awaiting the official test results. Today, Ginny called me and said that they got the results from the biopsy, and it is NOT cancer!!! Praise God!! She had such relief in her voice, and now just wants her life back. As I mentioned previously, Ginny lost a baby last year, was on bed rest this entire pregnancy, lost her father the week before her new baby boy was born, and then her husband was basically diagnosed with cancer. It has been quite a treacherous ride for them, and now they look forward to enjoying every moment with Maddox (their baby) and each other. Thank you so much for those of you who prayed for Robbie. Maybe it was a misdiagnosis...or maybe God answered our prayers and truly performed a miracle. Either way, PRAISE GOD!!!

Hard times truly make us appreciate the little things. They make us enjoy each moment with those we love and not take anything for granted. I guess most of us would say that we wish there were no hardships in this life (wouldn't that be nice!), but if that were the case, then how would we truly ever learn the magnitude of God's power and his blessings? Don't get me wrong, I'd like to think that losing my baby is enough hurt for one lifetime for me. It would be nice to know that I'll never hurt again, but that's not how it works - unfortunately. After all, our sufferings bring us closer to God.

So, for today, I say rejoice in the good news and the blessings that God gives us. It doesn't have to be a pardon from a serious illness. Sometimes its as simple as being able to get out of the bed, hug the people you love, and simply live life. That is a blessing!

Oh...one more blessing is that Jonathan and I celebrated our 6th anniversary on Sunday! He didn't get all of the attention on Father's Day!! He had to share the day with me...poor thing :)

New random pictures :)

2009-06-20T16:34:00.005-04:00

Happy 1st Birthday Connor! This is my cousin Brian's little boy, and we celebrated his first birthday last week. How precious is he?!

Jonathan and Jack

Happy 73rd Birthday, Uncle Walt!! This is my mom and aunt Cely with Uncle Walt, my late grandfather's only living brother. He's wonderful and hilarious!

Jagger, Bella, Reese, and Addie at Dora Live in Louisville. They had a blast, and Diego was even there! Jagger was excited.

Jack's first time in his exersaucer (is that how you spell that?). He was a little wobbly, but he liked it...well, he liked it for about 2 minutes!

Me and Jagger at Dora Live. I think Jagger was tired of smiling...what do you think?!

Jack...is he cute or what? Oh, he's so rotten!

Brotherly love :)

2009-06-16T18:08:00.002-04:00

Since Jack is Mr. High Maintenance, we have to pull out all of our tricks to keep him happy most of the time! Jagger has become really good at singing "Rock A Bye Baby", and I caught him in action. Actually, Jack wasn't even throwing a fit this time!! Click on the title of this post to see brotherly love at its best!

Journal Entries (May 2008)

2009-06-10T15:40:00.004-04:00

The journal entries that I chose to post today are from May 2008, when I was still going through a pretty intense anger stage of grief, and when we were contemplating having another child. When I read this again, I noticed how much power my emotions (and my grief) had on my daily life and my feelings. It was rough, to say the least. I also notice how my emotions were like a roller coaster...up one moment, down the next. It was a very dark part of grief...a place I never want to be again! It was a time when I can honestly say I was not myself. I felt things and said things that I would have never imagined feeling or saying! Oh, the joys of grief!!

May 19, 2008 (I didn't attach this entire entry)

...So, I sat back like a total outcast while the 2 girls had “pregnant talk”. Then, as if darts were thrown at my heart, every time I went anywhere, there was a trigger! A girl talking about telling her parents she was pregnant, talking about how her child is reacting, a girl there with a 3 month old baby, another person whose wife is pregnant with twins, another girl telling me about her 3-day-old niece. You name it! I couldn’t take another trigger, so I left. As soon as I got out of sight, I just started bawling. It was a mixture of anger, sadness, disappointment, betrayal, embarrassment; you name it…just the sickening emotions that go with this freaking part of my life! I hate it!!!!!!!!!

Part of my anger, also, is that I’m ready to move on and try to get pregnant, and Jonathan isn’t. I don’t feel like I can rest until I have another baby. Don’t get me wrong, I DON’T want to be pregnant again, and I DON’T want to go into another ultrasound room, etc., but I want another baby so badly. I’m ready to just jump into it and take the chance and get pregnant, but Jonathan wants to wait until all of the firsts are over.

One of my biggest problems is that I don’t want Jagger and his sibling to be too far apart. I know in my right mind that it really doesn’t matter. However, he and London were 2 years apart. They would have been big buddies, and to be honest, I feel like Jagger was robbed of that! I want him to have a playmate, and it’s up to me to give that to him. My inability to “fix” this has been one of the worst parts. I can’t fix it, no matter what. It’s a horrible feeling. I can’t fix it for myself; I can’t fix it for Jagger.

In my lowest, pitiful moment yesterday, I began thinking that God is punishing me! He’s teaching me a lesson. I began to feel that my future is doomed – that there are surely more horrible things to come. I know that’s awful…it’s Satan working his magic on my mind. But, it’s how I felt. I certainly hope that’s not the case, but how will I get out of this?! How can I move on? Is it because I’m not on my anxiety medication any more…things are just magnified? Is it depression, anxiety talking? I called my counselor this morning to set up an appointment. I definitely need to see her again. It’s been a while…too long, really. Hopefully she can help me with this anger stage.

Believe it or not, I actually feel some relief after writing today. In the middle of this, Jonathan came to check on me, and I vented to the maximum to him. I don’t know how people keep their feelings inside. I would croak.

May 29, 2008 (Thursday)

I know that God has helped me this week by giving me more peace and comfort, by lessening my envious feelings and/or resentful feelings towards pregnant women and new moms, by allowing me to laugh more, and to feel better about a lot of things. I am praying that God will continue to lift those negative feelings from my mind and that He will continue to just strengthen us and give us renewed hope for our future.

We have decided to try to have another baby soon. Of course, I say that with anxiety and some hesitation. But…I also say that with excitement and a sense of hope because I look forward to “loving” again, to overcoming fear, and to pursuing the life we’ve dreamed of. Without a doubt in the world, Jagger is our rock. He is a gift far greater than anything we could possibly deserve. We know that. But, we also know that we want another baby and we want Jagger to have a sibling. We had so much love inside us when London was born. We gave her 2 days of unconditional love. There’s still so much love to give, though. We want that fulfillment of having a house full of children, if that’s God’s will. I trust that God has good things in store for us, and it’s nice to look forward to good things again.

One thing is for sure. I am REALLY looking forward to summer break. I think that will allow us to reduce our stress level, to have more fun, and to have a “brighter” outlook on things. I am slowly, but surely learning to manage my extreme emotions in a healthier way without letting them overwhelm me. I’m not that good at it yet, but I know I’m getting better. It definitely helps that I have such wonderful, encouraging and Christian friends and family who are there for us – cheering us on and praying for us.

Jack laughing at Daddy!

2009-06-09T16:35:00.001-04:00

If you click on the title of this post, you can see Jack laughing at his daddy! There's nothing sweeter than a baby's laugh! Jack is starting to laugh a lot! I hope this makes you crack up, too :)

He's God...He can handle it!!

2009-06-05T15:54:00.003-04:00

There have been times in my life when I thought - for a moment - that maybe God was angry with me...that surely He wouldn't just allow certain things to happen just because! There has to be a reason, right? Have you ever pictured God as a big, gigantic wizard in Heaven who has a big zapper, and He's ready to ZAP you at any second?! Haven't we all thought of Him in such a way...that He's just ready to strike us if we mess up. That's what some of us have been taught, and it's what some of us have grown to believe because of certain circumstances in our life that seem to go hand in hand with the idea that we're being zapped or punished!

As a Christian, I know and believe that God does punish - that I must fear Him...not be scared of Him, but that I must respect His power and His might. I believe that there are times when God gets my attention by giving me challenges and hardships. However, I will not stand to believe that God is ready to ZAP me when I mess up! Unfortunately, our world is so broken. It's not how He planned it, but it's how it has ended up.

Lots of things in life are just not fair! The fact that my precious little girl had only half of a heart isn't fair! The fact that I cannot be with her is NOT FAIR! The fact that innocent people are killed in war isn't fair! The fact that over 200 people died in a plane crash this week isn't fair! Lots of things are not fair, and it makes life hard.

Just this week, dear friends of mine, Ginny and Robbie, have been faced with yet another unthinkable, unfair challenge. I met Ginny just over a year ago because she lost her precious baby boy at 21 weeks because of an incompetent cervix. We began meeting at each other's homes every other week just to support each other. Finally, Ginny got pregnant again, and was put on bedrest at 13 weeks until 37 weeks when her doctor told her she could start gaining her strength back. She was so excited to have made it that far! Then, the same week she got off of bedrest, her father died suddenly in the middle of the night. Exactly one week later, on April 30, she gave birth to another precious - and completely healthy - baby boy, Maddox! He came at a time when she and her family needed something to make them smile! Just as she and her husband were adjusting to parenthood, her husband went to the doctor with some concerns with his stomach. After several tests were given, Robbie just found out this week that he has cancer. He does not know what type of cancer yet, but he knows there is cancerous activity in his body. So, WHY GOD, WHY? Hasn't this poor family been through enough? Why can't they just enjoy their newborn baby boy without more hurt and devastation? They're great, Christian people. They're young and fun...Robbie's only 28.

Is it okay to question God? Some would say No. You know what, I disagree. I think it's perfectly human and expected that we question God. He is our Father. He created us for goodness sake. We're human, imperfect, tainted, and nothing without Him...so, why shouldn't we be able to question His ways? He's God, and He can handle it! He knows we hurt, and He knows that we do not understand. I think the closest I ever get to God is when I pour my heart out to him - the good, bad, and the ugly - and I do not keep one thought away from Him (not that I could, anyway!).

So, my advice is...Tell Him how you feel! He listens, He knows, He understands, and He's not there to ZAP you just because you let your guard down with Him and show Him your true, human emotions.

And, please...pray for Robbie, Ginny, their precious baby Maddox, that they would be comforted and strengthened during this time, and ultimately that Robbie would be healed! Thank you!

Pictures :)

2009-06-02T13:28:00.006-04:00

As you can probably tell, I love pictures! I guess I post pictures a lot because I think of my blog as a book, and who wants to read a book without pictures?!! I mean, I guess that's why I can read a magazine from cover to cover, but you won't find me reading a novel for pleasure!! Sorry to all of you readers out there :) Okay, okay...I read my Bible, of course, and I read my devotionals, and I read self-help books, but that's about the extent of my reading without pictures!! You get my point :)

Jack got his first pair of swimming trunks and a cool surf shirt! His hat was WAY too big as you can tell.

Okay, this is one of those pictures that tells a story :) Instead of "Where's Waldo?", the question is "Where's Jagger?" This is his playroom, and NO...the rest of my house does not look like this, I promise! The tornado/dump/disaster area is actually contained to his playroom! So, did you find him??? Yes, that's him sitting in front of his T.V. with a cardboard box around him, under a Spiderman umbrella with a blanket on top of it. Now, that's some creativity!!

Jagger was "helping" Daddy put up a tent. We're finally out of school for the summer, so Jonathan and Jagger celebrated by camping out! I think Jagger loves the tent better than he would a four-star hotel!

Little things - Big impact

2009-06-01T11:04:00.006-04:00

Isn't it true that big emotion can be sparked by little things? Whether it be compassion, excitement, anger, sadness, etc., sometimes, it just takes something "little" to create a big wave of emotion. For instance, a simple smile from someone might make your day a little brighter. One smart-alec comment from a rude co-worker might make your blood boil. You get my point, right?

Well, it seems that lately (as in, the past week), there have been a lot of little things that have made me grieve my London. Last night, I revisited a chapter in the book Life After Loss, and the chapter was on the typical timetable for grief. Now, everyone is different, but I've found that this book nailed it for me as far as when I would feel certain ways. At three months, I began feeling angry and a lot of "raw" emotions. That's what the book said I would do. At 12 months, I felt relief - like I had conquered the biggest challenge ever. That's what the book said I would feel! Lately, I've noticed that I've been grieving a lot more. I really thought I had beat this thing. I mean, of course I will always grieve my precious baby girl. I will always have a void in my heart and home that will NEVER be replaced. I will always have my moments. But...I thought I had kind of won the battle and gained control of my grief. WRONG!! Life After Loss mentions that at 18 months (or around that time), that a huge wave of emotions would hit...that grief would be raw again. Man, is that ever true for me! It has been 20 months since I held my baby girl and had to say good-bye, and lately, my grief has had a big hold on me - as if it was just a week ago. Grief is hard work. Just when I thought I had figured it out, it got me again.

Back to the little things I mentioned. Here are some things that have sparked my sadness lately. Again, they're not all "big" things, but they had a big impact on my heart.

A friend brought her children in school last week, and her youngest daughter was born just a week before London. The little girl was playing in the hallway with her brother, twirling around, falling on the ground, laughing, talking,...just being a typical 20-month-old. It's like the moment was in slow motion as I caught myself staring down the hallway just watching her as she played and interacted with those around her. I had to go to my room and just let it all out. I missed my baby so badly, and I grieved that she would be doing the same things. How would she and Jagger be playing together now? Would they fight? Would they be best buddies? Would she have long, curly blonde locks like her brother? What would her voice sound like? It hurts to say that I'll never know.
Another dear friend sent an email that her baby girl was born, and on the email she said "We're in LOVE!" It just sparked such emotion in me that I was SO "in love" with my London. The title of the email was "She's here!", and that's the title of the email that my sister sent to everyone when London was born! I told you it was the little things...
Another friend shared with me that one of her favorite pictures of her daughter was one where her daughter and her husband were at a Father/Daughter tea at church. Okay, that's a normal "occasion", right? Well, for me, it's more than that. A father/daughter tea is something that Jonathan will never get to experience. He will never know what it's like to have a "daddy's girl", to dance with his baby girl, to have a tea party with his daughter, to let her fix his hair or play dolls with her, to tell her her shorts are too short (my dad used to do that!), to warn boyfriends, to walk her down the isle. He will never have that opportunity with his daughter, and I will never have the privilege of seeing my sweet husband adore his daughter in day-to-day life. That hurts!

But, will those moments truly ever end? I mean, when others are starting Kindergarten, I will think about the fact that London would be starting school. When others are driving, graduating from high school, going to prom, going to college, dating, getting married, having children - you name it - I will think about my London and that I wish I could see her doing all of those things.

For some reason, God has chosen me and my family to go through this. His ways are definitely not always my ways, but I still manage to trust in Him. I know He will help me through this difficult time, just as He has in the past.

Journal Entries - January 2008

2009-05-27T13:17:00.002-04:00

January 28, 2008 (Monday)
It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve written…too long, really. Actually, I feel that I’m doing better, so I suppose I haven’t had as much baggage to write about lately. Since I wrote on 1/14, we chose London’s headstone, and we were able to get what we truly wanted for her. We went to Bluegrass Monuments in E-Town and ordered a pink granite heart with her name, dates, and the following statements on it: Jonathan and Ashlee’s precious daughter; Jagger’s little sister; Two days in our arms – forever in our hearts.

It’s amazing how much relief I felt after getting that over with. It was a good feeling to know that we have overcome that part of our “closure”, and it feels like we are honoring London with a beautiful memorial.

I have been reading a book recommended by Bonnie French (my therapist) called Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. It has been great for my outlook lately. My grief is doing okay, but I’m really trying to get my anxiety under control. That is something that not only affects my daily life; it also affects my grief. I just can’t let it control me any more, and I’m truly working very hard at helping myself. I’m only half-way through the book, so I’m hoping it will continue to be an encouragement for me.

One thing that Bonnie mentioned at my last visit was that I tend to talk about “death” a lot when I describe my anxiety. I mention who has died, who is sick, etc. a lot, and she told me to think about why I do that. That kind of stunned me at first because I don’t consider myself a gloom and doom person. However, I guess she’s right. So much of my anxiety comes from fears of illness, car wrecks, and death in general. Why do I do that? I discussed it with Jonathan, and I think I have an idea. First of all, for the past few years, I’ve been around death of loved ones – first my Papaw’s battle with cancer and his death, then Nana’s battle with cancer and her death, then London’s diagnosis, a dear church friend’s sudden heart attack and death, London’s surgery and death, and some illnesses/deaths in between. That’s natural, I guess, for an anxious person to focus on death if it’s been a part of life for a while. However, what else? There has to be another reason. Here’s where my deep thinking came in. I think I’ve found why I have always fretted over illnesses and situations that ultimately lead to death. Control. I said it…control. Death is something that I have absolutely NO control over, whatsoever. After my 4 sessions with Bonnie, I have come to realize what a control freak and perfectionist that I am. I truly think part of it is that it can happen without my control, and that scares me! Hopefully, with time and effort, I will improve in this area.

January 31, 2008 (Thursday)
Last night I had a thought that brought tears to my eyes. I was reading Guess How Much I Love You to Jagger (the one I read to London), and for some reason I began thinking of London’s cry. When I usually think of her, it’s like in pictures. I think of me holding her, what she looked like, etc., but I don’t usually think of the sounds she made. Last night, for some reason, it was so real to me. I thought of how her cry sounded, and how her little tongue would lift to the roof of her mouth when she cried. I could see her little gums…everything. She hated having her diaper changed. She would cry big-time when that happened. That’s about the only time she would cry. But, I could hear her. I can still hear her. It’s not a devastating thought, but it’s sort of new to me in the sense of grieving. I miss that. I didn’t hear enough of it, so I catch myself grieving her sounds. I’m okay…it didn’t bring me down like it used to, but it made me yearn for her once again.

Memorial Day Weekend

2009-05-26T07:52:00.005-04:00

Jack and Papaw watching T.V.

What's wrong with this picture?!

We had a good, long Memorial Day weekend. We visited Jonathan's mom and grandparents, Jagger helped Grandmother pick strawberries, and they rode the four-wheeler on the farm. Yesterday for Memorial Day, we visited London's grave, and were surprised to see that Mom had planted a beautiful pink rose bush next to her stone, and she decorated the wreath on the angel. Jagger helped us clean London's stone and he took pride in making it look really pretty. I was surprised at how well he did this time. I rarely bring Jagger to the cemetery because he gets emotional, which in turn, makes me emotional. However, he did really well yesterday and enjoyed visiting his sister's special place.