Lovin' the weather...and the pool!

It didn't matter that the water was freezing...Jagger & Jett were determined to enjoy the pool being open! Their lips were purple, but it was worth it!

PEEK-A-BOO!!!

Is there anything sweeter?

Bobble-head Jack!!

Jack is LOVING his brother's driving! Could this be a preview of the future?! Oh no!

On the road again...

We are officially on Summer Break!!! Woo hoo!!! Let the laziness begin!!! Have a great day!

I'm sorry I've neglected you!

I'm starting to feel very guilty about neglecting my blog. I'm sorry. I could go on and on with excuses, but the truth is that I'm just busy! The reason I started this blog over a year ago was to channel my grief into something positive. I wanted to share my story, share my journal entries, etc. in hopes that someone out there could be helped by my story. It was for me - an outlet. It has also become a community. I have met so many people and heard so many stories of others who have dealt with pain and grief of all kinds. I have been helped by you as much as I have intended to help others. The blessings from creating this blog have been great. I do feel bad, though, that I do not spend as much time updating it as I used to. I apologize!

I am happy to say that I feel like I'm doing well with my grief. Maybe it's because we're on the go all the time now, and even when we're at home, I'm on the go chasing a wild one-year-old around, and playing Army or wrestle-mania with Jagger! My mind has very few chances to be still or to "think" too much. However, regardless of how busy I am, I still feel like I'm doing well. I haven't cried over London in a while now -since Mother's Day, I think. That seems so crazy for me to even say that. I mean, I never dreamed I would get to this point, but I am so thankful that I am here.

It's strange that the hurt is still so deep, yet I am okay. In fact, I can honestly say that I feel happy! Now, don't get me wrong...I am always reminded that London is not here with me. I mean, something (or several things) happen daily that - for a split second - remind me of London and all that I am missing. It's how I handle those thoughts and triggers that is so absolutely completely different now than it was months ago. When London died, people would say, "It's just going to take time" or "time will heal the pain". At the time, I wanted to gag at the cliche'. However, it is so true. Time is the best medicine for pain and grief. Time and God's help, that is.

Let me be honest. I say I'm doing great, and I do feel like I am. But...I have only watched London's video once, and that was weeks after she died. I have heard her cry and her grunts, and watched me cuddle her in my arms and in her daddy's arms, and gazed at her every move...just one time in nearly 3 years. It honestly scares me to death to think of putting that tape in and watching it. I'm afraid of how I will feel. I'm afraid of losing it again. I haven't let my guard down like that in so long, and I just don't think I'm ready to deal with those emotions again. Not now. I guess it's okay to tuck that sacred tape away until I want to "go there" again. No matter how good I think I'm doing, I think there's always something that could take me "there" again. It's just a matter of choosing when to actually go "there" with my grief.

Until then, I will continue to heal, bask in the blessings that God pours out on me and my family daily, and be thankful. No matter our situation or circumstance - how wonderful or how horrific - there is always something to be thankful for. It may be something so tiny, and it may be really hard to see - especially when you're in the depths of despair - but it's there.

When I was pregnant with London, and we had found out about her condition, one of my best friends gave me a framed Bible verse that had helped her when she went through a very hard time. It has become one of my very favorite verses because it continues to encourage me, just as it did then.

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, plans to give you a future and a hope." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

There was a time when I "hoped" this would be true. Now, I know it's true. Am I scarred? Absolutely! Am I still sad? Of course. I always will be. Let's face it - I have been changed because of London. Losing London, loving London, and living without London defines so much of who I am - and it always will. At the same time, I am living with a wonderful husband and two amazing little boys that bring so much joy and laughter to my life, not to mention a great job, awesome family and friends, a wonderful church...the list goes on. I'm not trying to sound like my life is perfect. Believe me, as easily as I can mention the awesome things in my life, I could also list all the burdens in my life. There are plenty, but I will choose not to depress you with them. My point is that I have to choose to see the blessings. I have to choose to recognize the good in my life.

It has taken me a long time to get to this point, and I am still on my grief journey, but I have come such a long way. Praise the Lord that weeping really does turn to joy!

A busy couple of weeks!

I apologize that I have neglected the blog for a couple of weeks. Life has been very busy lately! Jagger started soccer at church for the Upward league, and he loves it! Jonathan's 35th birthday was Friday, so we celebrated that. Age doesn't bother him a bit. It is strange, though, to think he's already 35! Shouldn't we still be in college?! In July, I'll be 30...now that's crazy!

Mother's Day was really great. The first thing I did was spend some time talking to my baby girl at her grave. Now, I personally am not sure if London really hears me. I know that God hears me, so I tell him to tell her things for me. I would say she's too busy having fun with her angel friends on the streets of gold - being spoiled rotten by Jesus and so many loved ones who are with her! Either way, I had a few moments - just me and her. Mother's Day will always be bittersweet for me, and for any mother who has lost a child. There's a hole - a void - in my heart that will never be filled, as long as I live. However, as I have said before, I am so blessed with my precious little boys. They bring me such joy and happiness. They make me smile, and they remind me of God's goodness, His mercy, and His grace. I am thankful. In fact, this is how much I know I am loved by my boys...Jagger told me on Mother's Day this: "Mommy I love you all the way to Florida and Gatlinburg and back!!" Now that is love!! I am also thankful for my own mother. I have been so blessed to have a great mom.

Lately, I have been deeply reminded of the blessing of having my mother here with me, close by, and healthy. A dear friend of mine, Tiffany, has been by her mother's bedside, soaking up every moment with her because she knows there are few moments left - in this life. Tiffany's mom, Hazel, is losing her battle with cancer and could meet her Jesus face-to-face any moment. My heart aches for them. You may not know Tiffany, but will you take a moment and pray for her and her family - that they will have peace, strength and comfort as they go through this horrible time? There are so many broken hearts that I could mention. So many people are hurting and grieving in some way, and sometimes all we can do is pray for them.

To all of you, friends, who have lost your precious children and know the pain that I have felt in losing my London...I hope that you had peace and strength this Mother's Day. I thought of each of you and prayed for you, and I appreciate your love, your prayers and your support SO much!

Anyway, since it's been a while, I thought I would post some pictures. Enjoy :)


Jagger, Jack and Mommy - Jagger thought he needed to shed his shirt and put his baseball helmet on as soon as we got home today!

Ummm, could he look any more ROTTEN???

Jagger helped Grandmother pick strawberries at the garden on Mother's Day. He loves strawberries!

No, the camera was not fuzzy...that's smoke from 35 candles on Jonathan's cake!! Happy Birthday, honey!! Jagger and Jett helped him, of course.

Jagger took a breather during his game on Saturday. Thankfully, he didn't just sit down during the game...he was actually supposed to sit out! It's not like tee ball where he was doing snow angels in the dirt...he's grown up a bit since then!!

Another game...learning to stretch and get ready!!

Two weekends ago, we had a flood. I'm not complaining because so many people in Tennessee had it so much worse. We had some leaking in our cellar and a back yard full of water, but no real damage, thank goodness. Jagger and Daddy had fun exploring in the monsoon (our back yard)!

Mr. Independent got a hold of his "puffs", and you see what happened next! Notice the one stuck to his face :)

I hope you're all doing well! Have a great day. Until next time...

My silly boys :)

Do you remember when I had the Southern Living party and Jagger wanted to keep the boxes? Well, here's another use for the boxes! Do you see him through the "windshield"? Pretty creative, huh?!


It's funny in the picture, but it was hilarious seeing it drive around like that!


Have you ever been this tired? I mean...drumstick in hand, in the middle of the living room floor...out! And being the classy parents we are, we just put a blanket over him and let him sleep right there for a while! We've learned (especially with Jack), you DO NOT WAKE a sleeping baby. Or, let me rephrase that. You DO NOT WAKE a sleeping Jack!!!

This was his doing. He's become quite the climber.

I should be embarrassed to show this, but instead I am choosing to laugh at it! This is the classic playroom - at its finest! As you can see, there is a threshold that separates the chaos from the relatively neat and clean rest of the house! I am proud to say that it is completely spic and span now...thanks to having to show the house. We can at least pretend (to lookers) that it's always clean and tidy! They don't have to see this picture :)

Jagger and Jett behind bars... Could this be a preview of the future?!!! Let's hope not! They were in a dog cage! I know it's gross...but I'm used to boys loving gross things, and I didn't really care to fight that battle.

We're going to be in for it when he can actually reach the pedals! He is - however - on the move now! He's officially walking. He still crawls sometimes, but he's getting really good at walking, and it is so precious! He's pretty proud of himself, too :)

Like 'em or not...

Like 'em or not...tattoos are an art. Yes, they are a permanent art form that is forever stamped on a person's body, but they usually tell a story. Okay, so some people may not even remember getting their tattoo (scary thought!!), or they may regret getting their ex's name on their arm or Winnie the Pooh on their ankle (like Kate Gosselin from Jon & Kate Plus 8)!!

I admit, my senior year of college, my sister and I went to Florida for Spring Break, and yes...I rebelled and got a tattoo! I made absolutely sure that it was hidden enough so no one would see it. Believe me, I grew up thinking that tattoos were BAD and only bikers, inmates, and rock stars had them!

Okay, so I was a rebel and got a tattoo! If you know me already, you know that I was absolutely not the "rebellious" type. This was out of character for me...but I guess the excitement of "breaking the rules" was fun at the time!! So, as a result, I have a little sun permanently engraved on my hip...a sun that has absolutely no meaning! I even kept my "secret" from mom and dad for about 4 years...but I eventually confessed, and they didn't even get mad. I guess they realized it could have been worse :)

Anyway, up until I met Jonathan, I had always dated very preppy, clean-cut guys...guys with smooth faces, collared shirts and short hair...and no tattoos! When I met Jonathan, like a magnet, I found myself being drawn to his long curls, his scruffy face, his laid-back style, the fact that he sang in a band...and oh my...he had them. He had "TATTOOS"! Jonathan was unlike any guy I had ever dated...but it was so exciting :) I worried what my parents would think!

Let me also mention that Jonathan stole my heart because he was absolutely hilarious, he loved "Dumb & Dumber" (I was sold with that!), opened my car door for me every time (and still does), and had a loving and caring personality. He also comes from a family of Baptist preachers (his dad, grandfather, great grandfather, and 2 uncles are/were preachers), and he grew up singing gospel music in his dad's church. So, don't let the long hair, beard and tattoos fool you!

He also wore a suit and tie every day when I first met him, so he was actually a well-dressed long-haired guy with a scruffy face and tattoos - ha ha!

I wondered what my parents would say about me dating "a preacher's kid", too! You never know about those preacher's kids - ha ha! What a change that was from the norm! Nine years later, I have to say that there's still never a dull moment!!

Okay, so back to tattoos. Jonathan had 2 tattoos when we met, but neither had a significant meaning.

Then, on September 11 and 13, 2007, after carrying my precious baby girl for 38 weeks, feeling her kick and move and learning her habits in my belly, and anticipating life with my daughter... our London came and left like a vapor disappearing into thin air. Within two short days time - from Tuesday to Thursday - she miraculously arrived and was tragically torn from our lives. That was it. All the planning, all the doctors appointments, all the clothes, baby showers, hair bows, dresses, shoes, stockings, pink blankets...all the princess books, monogrammed bibs, pink engraved bibles, picture frames waiting to be filled, the bassinet waiting in the family room, her crib, the diaper bag in the car, the car seat in our car, her "going home" outfit...

All of it was over - finished - empty - useless. For 38 weeks, we had planned for this miracle, and for 2 days, just 2 days, we got to be with her - and then she was gone. Life as we knew it would never to be the same. Our dreams were destroyed, our plans were ripped to shreds, and our hearts were shattered.

Now, the scars are deep, and the pain can still be paralyzing at times. We as London's parents strive to keep her memory alive. We want to share her life - her short, but incredible life. We want to share her story, our journey, our pain and suffering, God's tender mercy and grace upon our lives in the midst of our grief, and His continued blessings.

One way that we have kept London's memory alive is by having her name tattooed on our wrists. I can't even count the number of times that individuals have asked me and Jonathan about her name on our wrists. Anytime we are asked about that "tattoo", we are able to tell about our London, and it's satisfying to know she is being remembered.

Jonathan had a memorial tattoo placed on his arm about a year ago. The quote on his tattoo is the same quote that is on the back of London's tombstone: Two Days in Our Arms; Forever in Our Hearts. The pink hearts symbolize Jonathan's love for his daughter and the fact that her heart was very special (HLHS). The pink roses symbolize our beautiful and fragile little girl and remind us of the pink roses that cascaded down her casket.

Not only did Jonathan get this memorial tattoo, but he also added London's footprints to his "collection" (he already had Jagger's footprints on his arm). Now, he has 3 little sets of footprints on his arms (once he started that, he had to get all three!)!

For a while now, I have been thinking of how I could put London's little footprints on my body. I found myself wanting a symbol of her with me always. I wanted her little feet on me...but I didn't just want plain footprints. Again, I wanted something that would show that London was my baby girl, and also that she is in heaven...I wanted it to tell a story. So, after several sketches and the image of London's hospital footprints, I finally created London's memorial tattoo and eventually got the courage to actually do it. To me, having her little feet embraced by angel wings and a halo was the perfect way to show that she is our little angel in heaven. I also chose to have her name, her birthday, and the day she met Jesus included. It's on the top/middle of my back.

I never in a million years thought that I would ever - I mean EVER - have 3 tattoos! I never even thought I would get 1 tattoo. Losing London changed me - in really big ways and in small ways. Whether getting a tattoo is big or small (in your opinion), I got 2 of them because of London, and I kind of felt like they were a big deal (since I'm not the "tattoo" kind of girl). I will not try to hide these like I did my Spring Break sun! In fact, I will gladly share them because they tell London's story - and my story. I wish I didn't even have a reason to want this tattoo. I wish my baby was here with me...but as a grieving mother, this is a satisfying way to remember her.

So, whether you like tattoos or not, whether you think they're beautiful or trashy, you never know when a person's tattoo may symbolize one of the most precious and meaningful things in their life or a situation that greatly defines who they are. And it just may be their way of boldly sharing their story and the story of the one they love and miss more than anything. To me, my new tattoo is sort of like a badge that I will always wear in honor of my baby girl...it's like a piece of her is with me always.

They say that once you get one, you can't stop. I'm up to 3...I HAVE to stop!!! Seriously...no more for me. Well, maybe I'll get "Property of Jonathan" somewhere!!! Did you think I was serious??!! I am totally kidding!

Have a good day :)

Happy Easter!

Jagger thought he needed to "help" Jack smile! Jack was annoyed :)

Jagger and his cousin, Jett, at church. They look like little preachers, don't ya think?

Speaking of a little preacher...

We had a wonderful Easter.

I hope you did, too!

Spring is here!

Okay, just keep it between the ditches!!


Look at that little head barely peeking over the steering wheel! Jagger loves driving in Grandmommy and Papaw's neighborhood. It's a bit scary, I know!

Scary or not, he was so proud of himself :)

Jack loves his new swing!

We enjoy going to our land (that we hope to build a home on if we EVER sell our house)! Jonathan and Jagger played football, explored in the creek, and actually found a rather - well, I guess I should say a rather unique treasure (for boys, that is). They found a...

...part of a skeleton of a dead animal!!!!! And yes, Jagger is totally putting the jawbone right up to his mouth, pretending that they're his teeth! Germ X, please!

We had to freshen up London's grave - making it as pink and girly as possible for springtime. And this is where I feel stuck right now...at London's grave - missing my baby girl. I admit that I have been struggling lately. It's ironic that it is so beautiful outside, the weather is getting warm, the trees are budding, the flowers are blooming...nature is coming to life again, and I love it, yet my emotions have been on edge, and my tears have been flowing freely.

The boys are getting bigger. They're changing and growing, and it's evident that time is passing (quicker than I'd like it to). The reality is that London's life is growing farther in the past, and with every springtime that rolls around without her, I am sad that we are living this life without her. I'm sad that I have to share a picture of her "girly" tombstone flowers instead of her in her Easter dress with a matching hair bow, tights and precious little dress shoes. Maybe her hair would be sort of long by now, and maybe it would have curls like her daddy's. I imagine that she would be prissy and bossy...especially to her brothers! Gosh, I just ache for her - especially lately. Not that I don't miss her every moment of every day, but it has been 2 1/2 years, and I have learned to live with my grief. However, lately it's been more painful, more raw and fresh...like it used to be. Perhaps its the fact that every time I go to the stores, I see pink ruffles and hair bows and hats. Maybe it's the fact that I always got a new Easter dress every year when I was little, and I am sad that I can't carry on the tradition with my daughter. Jagger and Jack will hunt eggs this weekend, and the Easter bunny will come, and we will go to church and celebrate Jesus' resurrection, and London will not be there (again). She is always missing. We are a happy family of four. We are blessed...but there will always be a huge void in our family. There will always be the unknown of what life would have been like with London.

Let me tell you, it is because of this Easter weekend - this ultimate celebration of Jesus' willingness to die on the cross for my sins, and to rise again promising me that if I believe in him, I will live forever with him in Heaven - it is because of this promise that I can endure the pain of losing my daughter. I know, without a doubt, that she is safe in the arms of Jesus in heaven right now. It doesn't help my void and my human feelings of wanting her here. But, it does help my sanity and my peace of mind to know that although I ache for her now - I will see her again. Praise GOD!!! I pray that you have that peace of mind.

I know that this time will pass. It will not be as "raw" after a while. I recognize that this is yet another wave of grief that comes and goes. It's not fun and not even remotely easy, but I've made it through before, and I'll make it again.

By the way, why did Eve have to eat the apple???!!!

This week in pictures

Jack loves anything adventurous, and riding on his daddy's shoulders is a favorite :)

Jagger loves fire! I think he roasted a whole bag of marshmallows yesterday...I'm glad I like mine burnt!!

It won't be long before he succeeds...

Top of the mornin' to ya!

It has been so beautiful and warm lately that we've been taking advantage of every second! We went to the lake this week, and Jagger fed the ducks for the first time.

He had so much fun. Did you know that you can go through a half a loaf of bread in like 5 minutes if you're not careful?!! These ducks will be full for days!

Jack had fun watching.

Now, this my friends, is what you call "The Crusher Machine", according to Jagger. Ummm, not exactly sure what it crushes, but that's what it is! I had a Southern Living at Home party, and when all the stuff came in, I couldn't dare throw the boxes away. Jagger reminded me that they make awesome tents/forts/houses/cars/airplanes...oh, and crusher machines! I'm just glad I walked in when I did. I had no idea he had built this, and when I walked in, he was totally trying to climb on top of it! BOYS!!!!!

Jagger gave Jack a wig! Jack thought it was hilarious! He doesn't know to fight back yet, but I'm sure it's coming!

I caught this look...don't know why he had the look (probably pouting about something!), but it was worth catching!

That's all for now. Have a good week :)

Remembering Nana

Three years ago today, one of the most wonderful, influential people in my life went to be with Jesus. It was my Nana. Nana was about 115 pounds soaking wet, funny, had a country accent, a great laugh, and loved to smoke big long Virginia Slims - you know, the cigarettes that look like foot long straws!! Oh, and she kept them in the freezer, too, because she said it kept them "fresh"! So, yes, you might go to look for some ice cream or a frozen pizza, and you'd see a carton of Virginia Slims - ha ha!! I have to say that smoking was her only vice - at least the only one that I know of! Nana was fun-loving, accepting, forgiving, kind, and loved Jesus more than anything in this world. Nana made such an impression on me by putting God first, forgiving others, and by giving thanks even when life didn't seem to treat her too kindly.

You see, Nana lived in a small trailer in a trailer park, she had an 8th grade education, worked many different jobs throughout her life, but eventually ended up keeping children in her home for about the last 10 years of her life. Nana's trailer stood out as a cozy, inviting little trailer. In summer, she flooded her landscape with flowers - especially yellow ones (that was her favorite color). She had white wicker furniture on her porch, wind chimes hanging, and a few other little "Nana" trinkets here and there that she either found or that we had given her. In her home, you would find framed religious poems and art work that reflected her love of Jesus and the cross. Everything was so neatly arranged. Although Nana didn't have anything of a lot of value, she took pride in everything she had. You could never go in Nana's house without smelling a wonderful candle burning in her kitchen, and you couldn't stay long without being greeted by her Coo Coo Clock. Oh...the coo coo clock! We loved that thing! We also loved her sweet tea and her collection of magnets from every unique place that she or any other family member had been!

Nana was a wonderful cook. She always fixed the "same ole' thing" as she used to say, but it was what we loved! No matter how incredible it smelled, and even though it was always great, Nana always said, "Well, I hope it's fit to eat." Macaroni shells and cheese (aka...the best food on the planet!), chicken casserole, corn, sweet carrots, fried apples, green beans, rolls... Of course, it was fit to eat!! For Thanksgiving every year, about 20 people would gather in her little trailer, sit around her table (which was in her kitchen), and we would have the best time! Nana loved her family. Her children (my dad, Steve, and my aunt, Cindy) and her grandchildren were her pride and joy.

When I went to Western Kentucky University in Bowling Green, I was able to see Nana every week (she lived in Bowling Green). We would have the best talks. Nana was as fun to talk to as one of my best college friends at the time. She knew how to listen without judging, and she trusted me with her deepest feelings. During a time when God was often on the back burner in my life (college), Nana reminded me of His love and His goodness. She would talk about how good He had been to her. She'd say, "Honey, I don't have much, but He's given me everything I have, and it's everything I need." She never complained. Although she would have liked to have had "more", Nana had a way of being content, and she never failed to give God the glory for everything in her life. She trusted Him with everything she was. We even used to laugh at her because she never would make any plans - I mean, ANY plans - without saying, "Lord willin..." I'd say, "NANA! Don't say that!" and she'd say, "Well, honey, it's the truth! We're not guaranteed our next breath! If it's the Lord's will, then I'll be there." Although I teased her then, I realize now that Nana had the right idea. She had it all figured out.

The last time that I visited Nana before she was bedridden and nearly unconscious, Jagger was about 18 months old. She adored her only great grandchild. She thought he was hilarious and that he looked just like my dad (he did look just like my dad at that age!). Nana, at that visit (just a few days before she died) was sitting in her big blue recliner and told me that she was afraid that her cancer was spreading (as she rubbed knots on her ribs that had recently appeared). She then went on to say that she wanted to be around to "see that baby". That baby she was talking about was London, who was due that September. A few days later, as I sat by her side in the bed - knowing she just had days or even hours with us - I told Nana that if our baby was a girl, we were going to name her after her. Nana just rubbed my hand and smiled and said in a soft, faint voice, "Oh, Ashlee, that is such an honor. You don't know what that means to me." At the time, we didn't know what our little one was, and our lives certainly hadn't been turned upside down with the news of Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. However, we knew that we wanted to honor Nana by naming our child after her.

The funny part of that is that Nana's real name was - are you ready for this??? Cleo Patra Conner! I'm not even kidding. Bless her heart...her mother named her Cleo Patra!! We'd tease and call her "Queen of the Nile"!! So, I wasn't too keen on naming my daughter Cleo or Patra, for that matter. But...I got a little creative. We loved Chloe, so we just flipped Cleo around and named our daughter London Cloe (without the 'h') after my Nana. So, now when I think of my wonderful Nana, I also think of my London. And when I see London's full name, I think of my Nana.

I was so blessed to have a Nana like her! I miss her! But...I know I will see her again in heaven. I also believe that she is loving her precious great-granddaughter, London Cloe, right now! Nana got her wish...she got to "see that baby" after all...just in a better place!

"Mommy, where is heaven?"

Last night, Jagger and I were lying in bed, and we were reading his little Bible stories. We some how got on the subject of heaven. That's when Jagger asked how we get to heaven, where it is, and if it's far away like in outer space. Although we've discussed this before, his ability to understand is a little more developed now, and he was more interested this time.

I was a little caught off guard. How do I describe the "location" of heaven to a 4 year old? Well, wait...when I think about it, how exactly do we describe the location of heaven to a grown person? It's a bit complicated when we have such finite minds. So, the only preschool explanation that I could come up with was, "Well, heaven is very far away." Then, he said that he was going to take an airplane and fly to heaven! I thought that was cute.

I told him casually that we can't really visit heaven now, but if we believe that Jesus is God's son and that He died on the cross and came back to life 3 days later (which Jagger thinks is the coolest thing ever) - some day when we die, we can go to heaven and see God and Jesus and baby London...

And that's where I messed up. Jagger jerked up with a nervous and worried face and said - in a quivering voice - "Mommy, you mean that some day my heart is not going to work, too???" Oh my goodness... at that moment, I realized that my casual comment of "when we die" took Jagger immediately to the fact that his baby sister died because "her heart didn't work." It also made me aware that Jagger had no idea that we do not live forever in this body! I just forgot (like a complete goofball) that his little mind didn't know that! So, I immediately changed the subject, and he was fine.

I am thankful that I can discuss Jesus and heaven to my 4 year old, but I am reminded that some things need to be left up to God and the Holy Spirit. The time will come when Jagger will be ready to discuss our mortality, the true meaning of heaven, eternity, sin, salvation - all the big stuff. But, sometimes I just talk too much! And that's what I did! For now, I think I need to focus on just making sure that Jagger knows God's love for him, that Jesus is God's son, that baby London is in heaven and we will see her some day (no big explanation needed yet!). For now, we will go to church, say our prayers, read our Bible stories, and give thanks.

I have a tendency to make some things more complicated than they need to be. Praise the Lord that Jagger is "saved" right now - that his little mind cannot comprehend the meaning of sin and salvation, death and eternity. God is gracious enough to have our children safe in his hands - protected from the depths of hell - because of their lack of understanding. When Jagger reaches the age of accountability and recognizes that he is "lost", then I will dig a bit deeper in our conversations!

Whew...sometimes it's tough being a parent!!! I know this is only the beginning :)