Never a dull moment...

Uh, yeah...Jagger just walked in here and said in a very excited voice, "Look Mommy! Look at my face! It's a mustache and a beard! Isn't it GREAT?!"
Oh...I should've reprimanded him, but I took a picture instead and told him I liked it. It's just not worth it! It'll wash... I did demonstrate some responsibility as a parent and told him not to draw any more on his face. He just told me that he just wants to look like Daddy. Umm, I need to talk to Jonathan about that!


The view from the back of Daddy's truck. As you can see, we just give Jack whatever will keep him from throwing a fit! I think he has a binder clip. Boy, I'm really proving myself as a really "strict" parent, huh?!


That's just sweet...

Jagger and his cousin, Jett, had a blast in Jett's new truck! It even has a real radio in it! And I thought my Big Wheel was awesome when I was their age!

Jagger, my little comedian, thought his pretzels (or "princels" as he calls them) made great teeth!

We put Jagger's new corn hole boards together tonight. He loved it - until Jack took over. That's Jack's new thing - wanting whatever his big brother has!

Can you tell Jagger is pouting? We decided to kiss the Gingerbread House goodbye tonight, and Jagger wasn't happy about the idea. I mean, it is January 26 - I think it's time! He said, "Well, I'm never ever going to be happy ever again!!" Well, he meant it...for about 2 minutes! He would keep it on the counter all year if I let him.

Facing our Battles

God does not want us to live in fear. He does not want us to worry - in fact that's a sin. Okay, then, why am I so terrible about living in fear and worrying about things? I have struggled my whole life at letting irrational fears creep into my mind, letting them manifest until I am just sick with fear and worry. I hate it, and I try my best to control it, but sometimes it gets the best of me. For instance, if Jonathan leaves the house to run errands, and 5 minutes later, I hear an ambulance...then my mind will automatically fear that Jonathan has been in a wreck. Then...if I call him on his cell phone and he doesn't answer, oh my...I start to panic that he's too hurt to answer and it's bad... See what I mean? That's just one example, and it's ridiculous, I know.

I just have this control issue, I guess, and it's tough to sort of be a control freak when so much of life - well most things in life - are out of my control. Today, I got very sad news that one of my high school friends, Jake, who suffered from cancer for nearly 3 years, passed away. Yesterday, I got an email that another friend from high school (Stephanie) - who is 3 years younger than me - has been diagnosed with a brain tumor and has been given only 18 months to live. Then, this morning, mom told me about another young woman (about my age) in our community that died of cancer.

Okay...so how do I hear these things, especially about people who are "my age" and go on about my life without worrying and fearing that it will happen to me?! If I get a headache, will I automatically worry that it's a brain tumor? Probably! Oh, it's such a struggle when you are an anxious person.

Jonathan's dad (Clifton), who is a Baptist preacher, visited us yesterday, and as I talked to him about my sadness (about my friends) and my own struggles with worry and fear, he reminded me of a few things. He reminded me that we are each "appointed" a time to live and a time to die, and that we have no control over when that time will come for us. God already knows, and we must find peace in that. We can't spend every waking minute worrying about things that may not even happen. Clifton was diagnosed with a brain tumor and was given 3 to 6 months to live, had brain surgery, and had been given no hope from his doctors.......22 years ago this month!

Through Clifton's story, I am reminded that God indeed does have a plan for us; that He is the ultimate physician; that if He's not ready for us, no diagnosis can take us. I am also reminded that worry and fear are of the devil! They are feelings that only SATAN can give! They are not of God. The Bible says that "God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, love and a sound mind." So, when I feel anxious and fearful, it's obviously just the devil getting me right in my weak spot! Do you have a weak spot, too? I pray that God will help me to overcome Satan and his mission to destroy my spirit through fear and worry!

For my friend, Jake, his fight is over. Cancer took his life, but I pray that God took his soul. For Stephanie, she has been given little hope, but I know - from my own father in law - that grim outcomes can change.

So, will you do me a favor and please pray for Jake's family - that they will have peace and comfort during this time of grief; and pray for Stephanie and her family as they deal with this horrible diagnosis - that God would heal her body, and that she and her family would also find peace and comfort and hope in the midst of this?

I experienced one of life's dreaded tragedies when I lost London. People all around us are experiencing tragedies, too. When we feel helpless in so many ways, we can pray. Sometimes that's about all we can do, but I am so thankful that it's that easy. God is always there - ready and waiting.

Lately...

We got our first snow last week, and Jagger was playing in it at 8:30 in the morning! You can't play in the snow without making snow angels!

After about 30 minutes, he was ready to come in. Here in Kentucky, we get out of school when they even "talk" about snow! We enjoyed a 4 day weekend, though :) I know we'll have to make it up, but I'm still like a kid when I see that school is closed! I love it!

Jagger is always saying something that just cracks us up. As many of you know, Jonathan and I renovated a 135 year old home 5 years ago. No matter how many updates we've done, it's still an old home, and it's hard to get it nice and cozy when it's 10 degrees outside! So...I was complaining about how cold the house felt, and Jagger heard me. He leaned up against the wall with his arms crossed and a confused look on his face. Then, he proceeds to ask me, "Well, Mommy, just how'd we get this piece-a-junk we're in anyway?" Ummm, yes, he called our house a piece of junk, but it was hilarious. Jonathan, in the midst of his frustration (because a water line froze on our dishwasher) said, "Well, you know it's bad when a 4 year old calls it a piece of junk!" Oh...he keeps us laughing. When I tried to defend our old home to him, Jagger said, "I called it a piece a junk because it's old, and you know, sometimes old things are pieces a junk..." He can talk his way out of anything, I'm afraid.


Here's our "old piece-a-junk"!!

Just as Jagger constantly cracks me up with his funny sayings, he's an extremely kind and sweet child and says things to melt my heart. Yesterday, he and Jack had to go to the doctor - Jagger has strep, and Jack has a double ear infection (needless to say, I'm home today). Anyway, he got a sticker from the doctor. When we got home, he was playing and randomly grabbed my arm and said, "Here, Mommy. I want London to have my sticker. You know, she loves stickers and I think she's smiling because I gave her a sticker!" Little moments like that do several things...they make my eyes fill with tears, they make me smile because her big brother wants to make her smile, and it makes me thankful that London is being remembered by her brother - even in random, insignificant moments. It was a small thing, but had a big impact on my heart.

"New" (old) picture

Well, I'd be lying if I said that I don't often think about the fact that I can't share "new" pictures of my baby girl with you. I mean, I constantly share pictures of my boys. You see how they're growing and changing. You see their funny faces, mad faces, happy faces - well...you see that I constantly keep a camera in my hand :) I'm on a mission to capture every moment, every funny saying, every milestone...everything!

As I was downloading some of our Christmas pictures this past week, I revisited all of London's pictures. Some of them I see all the time. But there are many that I haven't really looked at in a while. What I've noticed is that her pictures bring about new feelings, new emotions as time passes. They used to be too painful to look at. I would sit and sob as I stared at them, and I would have to prepare myself to even look at them. Now, it's still terribly hard to look at them - to revisit that moment in time - and to be reminded of my precious, perfect little girl who was only with me for 2 days. I seriously don't know when that will ever "not" hurt. How could it not hurt? It's a part of me now. As much as I would love to not have the hurt, I kind of want it because it keeps London "real" to me and here with me. Clear as mud, right? That's grief for you.

This picture was one that hurt when I really looked at it. First of all, it shows her precious chubby cheeks, her beautifully colored skin, the dainty hair bow that she wore, the dress that I, too, wore when my mom and dad brought me home from the hospital, and the fact that she looks so much like her brothers. On the other hand, this picture hurt me when I saw it again because I could see the reminders that she had a condition that was incompatible with life. I could see the monitors, the wires, the unnatural things that make Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome so real to me. I see her little hand taped to the splint. I notice the pink arm band that covered her pick line. Her little hand looks so uncomfortable, yet I stare at it to see if her hands look like her brothers - or if they, by chance, could have looked like mine. Those things hurt.

As I share this "new" (old) picture with you, I realize that London is still a newborn - although it's been nearly 2 1/2 years ago. I realize that she is in the same dress as the other pictures of her - because that's the only outfit she ever wore. I realize that my pictures of London do not show her growing and changing, doing funny things, making sad/mad/happy faces like my boys. I realize these things...but, she's my baby. She's my princess, and as I edited this picture and zoomed in on her precious face, I just couldn't help but show her off.

As I share these feelings, this thought comes to mind, and as tough as it is to admit, it's true: "Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." I would go through it over and over again to experience the love I felt and continue to feel for my baby girl.





"Every good and perfect gift is from above..." (James 1:17)