I'm sorry I've neglected you!

I'm starting to feel very guilty about neglecting my blog. I'm sorry. I could go on and on with excuses, but the truth is that I'm just busy! The reason I started this blog over a year ago was to channel my grief into something positive. I wanted to share my story, share my journal entries, etc. in hopes that someone out there could be helped by my story. It was for me - an outlet. It has also become a community. I have met so many people and heard so many stories of others who have dealt with pain and grief of all kinds. I have been helped by you as much as I have intended to help others. The blessings from creating this blog have been great. I do feel bad, though, that I do not spend as much time updating it as I used to. I apologize!

I am happy to say that I feel like I'm doing well with my grief. Maybe it's because we're on the go all the time now, and even when we're at home, I'm on the go chasing a wild one-year-old around, and playing Army or wrestle-mania with Jagger! My mind has very few chances to be still or to "think" too much. However, regardless of how busy I am, I still feel like I'm doing well. I haven't cried over London in a while now -since Mother's Day, I think. That seems so crazy for me to even say that. I mean, I never dreamed I would get to this point, but I am so thankful that I am here.

It's strange that the hurt is still so deep, yet I am okay. In fact, I can honestly say that I feel happy! Now, don't get me wrong...I am always reminded that London is not here with me. I mean, something (or several things) happen daily that - for a split second - remind me of London and all that I am missing. It's how I handle those thoughts and triggers that is so absolutely completely different now than it was months ago. When London died, people would say, "It's just going to take time" or "time will heal the pain". At the time, I wanted to gag at the cliche'. However, it is so true. Time is the best medicine for pain and grief. Time and God's help, that is.

Let me be honest. I say I'm doing great, and I do feel like I am. But...I have only watched London's video once, and that was weeks after she died. I have heard her cry and her grunts, and watched me cuddle her in my arms and in her daddy's arms, and gazed at her every move...just one time in nearly 3 years. It honestly scares me to death to think of putting that tape in and watching it. I'm afraid of how I will feel. I'm afraid of losing it again. I haven't let my guard down like that in so long, and I just don't think I'm ready to deal with those emotions again. Not now. I guess it's okay to tuck that sacred tape away until I want to "go there" again. No matter how good I think I'm doing, I think there's always something that could take me "there" again. It's just a matter of choosing when to actually go "there" with my grief.

Until then, I will continue to heal, bask in the blessings that God pours out on me and my family daily, and be thankful. No matter our situation or circumstance - how wonderful or how horrific - there is always something to be thankful for. It may be something so tiny, and it may be really hard to see - especially when you're in the depths of despair - but it's there.

When I was pregnant with London, and we had found out about her condition, one of my best friends gave me a framed Bible verse that had helped her when she went through a very hard time. It has become one of my very favorite verses because it continues to encourage me, just as it did then.

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, plans to give you a future and a hope." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

There was a time when I "hoped" this would be true. Now, I know it's true. Am I scarred? Absolutely! Am I still sad? Of course. I always will be. Let's face it - I have been changed because of London. Losing London, loving London, and living without London defines so much of who I am - and it always will. At the same time, I am living with a wonderful husband and two amazing little boys that bring so much joy and laughter to my life, not to mention a great job, awesome family and friends, a wonderful church...the list goes on. I'm not trying to sound like my life is perfect. Believe me, as easily as I can mention the awesome things in my life, I could also list all the burdens in my life. There are plenty, but I will choose not to depress you with them. My point is that I have to choose to see the blessings. I have to choose to recognize the good in my life.

It has taken me a long time to get to this point, and I am still on my grief journey, but I have come such a long way. Praise the Lord that weeping really does turn to joy!