tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19971228467723031662024-03-05T16:20:01.914-05:00Four Plus an AngelLife with two precious boys and our angel, London.Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.comBlogger104125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-82382784276404813512016-09-10T22:38:00.003-04:002016-09-10T23:08:02.956-04:00Happy 9th Birthday, London!!<div style="text-align: left;">
This past Monday, I was sitting at my desk at school during my planning period when this adorable little 3rd grader came walking into my room with a big tray of cupcakes. She smiled and said, "Hey Mrs. Tomes, do you want a cupcake? My birthday was yesterday!! I'm already 9...I'm almost to double digits!!" I smiled and told her Happy Birthday and that I couldn't believe she was already 9!! I picked the cupcake with the most icing (because that's the best part) and gave her a hug as she left my room! She walked out, I shut my door, and I began to weep. </div>
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She was born exactly one week before London. As I listened to her excitement for her 9th birthday, my heart ached as I imagined hearing London's voice with the same excitement. I would love nothing more than to bring cupcakes to London's class for her birthday...to listen to her Daddy tease her about getting too old, and to plan her birthday party. Gosh, when I was 9, I had sleepovers and loved make-up and my mom's high heels. I loved jumping on my Papaw's hay bales in the field and playing in my tree house and eating apples from the apple tree in the back yard. Life was so good when I was 9! Oh, and I had a mullet when I was 9! I promise London would NOT have a mullet if she were here! :) Anyway, as these thoughts filled my mind, I just couldn't hold back the tears.</div>
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This is the 9th year that we have celebrated the life and death of our daughter. It never gets easy. With every year that passes, it's another 365 days that I miss. I have lived nearly 3,300 days without my daughter, and it isn't easy. There are always triggers in daily life that remind me that I have lost a child. I see or hear things on a daily basis that tug at my heart & my emotions. With time, I've learned to bite my lip on most occasions and move forward. However, there are still times when the hurt is too deep and when "being strong" isn't enough. There's times when kind, but oblivious, people will say, "You all need a girl with these boys!" I usually spare them the embarrassment of me replying with, "We do have a girl, and she would be 9 right now. She died when she was 2 days old because of a major heart defect. Believe me, I would give my life to have my girl with me right now." However, instead of that, I usually just reply with a silent nod and move on. </div>
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Moving on... it sounds like that's just what we should do, right? I mean, it's been 9 years already! Get it together, Ashlee! Sometimes I feel that way, too. I feel like I should have this grief thing figured out and under control. However, time & time again, I am harshly reminded that grief cannot be controlled or figured out. It comes in waves...even 9 years later. And sometimes those waves are strong enough to knock me down and keep me under, fighting for air.</div>
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This week is one of those weeks. The waves of grief are strong. Memories are so fresh, and all of the "what ifs" flood my mind and my soul. It's so easy to focus on what we didn't have...what we've never experienced or seen or heard from our daughter. I would love to just hear her voice...just to hear her say "Mommy" or "I love you". I would just love to feel her little body curl up in my lap just because she wants to. I imagine that she would be a hot mess and super funny like her brothers. What I would give to just witness her sarcasm and hear her laughter. </div>
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Yes...it's so easy to focus on all of the things I have never and will never experience with my daughter. However, it wouldn't be right of me to ignore all of the things that I did experience with her. Let's be honest...I got to feel her little body inside of me for 9 months. I learned in those 9 months that she was a night owl, that she loved music, and that she was a busy body! :) I know that in those 9 months that she knew my voice and she heard my heartbeat every second. </div>
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I know that from the moment she came into this world at 3:02 PM on September 11, 2007, she knew nothing but unconditional love. She was showered with so much love and kisses. She heard her daddy sing to her and listened to us whisper sweet messages in her little bitty ears.</div>
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For two days, we couldn't have loved her more. Although my heart will ache for an entire lifetime, I would never ever trade those two days with London. I would experience these 3,300 days of grief all over again just to hear her cry, rub her cheeks, and kiss her little head. Nothing in this life could ever take the place of the memories I have of London. </div>
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So, today, we will celebrate her life and praise the One who gave her to us...trusting and believing that His plan is perfect. Lord knows it's not the way I would have it, but I have learned to be able to say "it is well with my soul". We will go to her precious grave and send 9 balloons to heaven. We will put pink roses on her grave and pray as a family. We will thank God for her and find strength in His promises. </div>
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I always imagine the moment when I get to heaven and see Jesus face-to-face, I think London will be the first person I see. I imagine us running full speed to each other and holding her in my arms and twirling around and around and around as we rejoice!! And the best part of that is that I will never ever have to let her go again!<br />
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Happy 9th Birthday, sweet girl!! You are so loved!! <3 p=""> </3></div>
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Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-81055331265977866872015-09-10T23:30:00.000-04:002015-09-10T23:31:38.598-04:008 years...and it still hurts<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I really thought that after eight years, I would be able to handle this week better than before. I really thought that I wouldn't need to take a personal day at work; that I could buy balloons and flowers for her grave without tears, and that I would be able to take a deep breath and move forward. I am surrendering to the fact that it's just not going to happen that way. It has been eight years, and I find myself broken. My scars that have healed are aching as if they were brand new. <br />
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It may seem strange, but although London isn't here with me, she still grows older in my mind. Each year, I can't help but imagine what she would look like, what she would sound like. I imagine if she would look like me when I was a little girl. I imagine what her personality would be like. Each year, she is older to me...she changes. It's very surreal to think that she would be turning 8 on Friday. Eight just seems so big to me. She would be in 2nd grade. She would be girly and prissy...and probably rotten like her brothers. :) <br />
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I wonder if she'd want to have a spa birthday or a sleepover. Her daddy would shake his head at a house full of giggly girls, I'm sure. Maybe she would want an American Girl doll. I don't know...I'm not in the loop with all of the girly things. <br />
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Life continues to move on, and with every stage, London is missing. I know this wave of grief will pass as another anniversary passes. God is always faithful. He has restored my heart beyond what I could have ever imagined. Although I hate grief and the brokenness that it brings, I can't help but be thankful for it. Grief reminds me of my love for my daughter. It reminds me of the relationship that I long for and the bond that I know we would have. Would I really want to be "okay" on my daughter's 8th birthday in heaven? Would I really want to just treat it as another day and move right along? Of course not. <br />
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As each year passes, London grows & changes in my mind. I relate to her differently in the things I wish for and long for. However, I know that in time, my faith will be sight, and we truly will relish in the relationship and the precious bond that was cut far too short in this lifetime. Heaven seems so far away right now. My heart hurts and the tears are flooding my eyes. Memories are vivid and my feelings are so raw. I miss her. I long for her: to touch her, hear her, smell her, to have loud belly laughs with her, to wipe her tears, brush her hair, buy her clothes, take cupcakes to school, plan her party, say bedtime prayers, hold her hand, twirl & dance with her, play dolls and have tea parties and watch her snuggle in her daddy's lap. I wish her brothers knew her. I wish I knew her. <br />
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My heart just hurts right now. However, even the worst pain that my heart has ever endured could never come close to the joy and love and blessings that flooded my soul the moment I saw her sweet face and held her in my arms. No matter how hard it may be, I am blessed that the Lord chose me to be London's mommy. Happy 8th Birthday in heaven, precious girl!! We love you so much!! Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-45456060542179045222013-04-08T23:57:00.001-04:002013-04-08T23:57:49.316-04:00Overcoming the Hardships
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">Approximately two weeks ago, I was contacted by Cameron Von St. James regarding his own family's struggles with diagnosis, illness and caregiving. I was honored to know that Cameron related to my story. Cameron offered to write this wonderful, heartfelt post in hopes that it will help others. You may read more about Cameron & his wife, Heather, at </span><a href="http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog/authors/cameron/"><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog/authors/cameron/</span></a><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">. Thank you, Cameron! :)</span></span></div>
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the Hardships of Dealing With Cancer Within the Family</span></b><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
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</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My wife and I went through a very difficult time when she was
diagnosed with <a href="http://www.mesothelioma.com/"><span style="color: blue;">mesothelioma</span></a>. She
once related to me that she couldn’t even begin to imagine what my experience
was like as her caregiver. Although I only spoke to her about it once, I would
like to share more with those who are currently battling through cancer, in the
hopes that they might find strength through our story.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
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</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Our first and only child was born three months before my wife was
diagnosed with the disease. It was a drastic leap from the joy and promise of
our daughter’s birth to the uncertainty and fear of my wife’s newly discovered cancer.
I remember when we were first told the news by the doctors. Watching my wife
crying, I felt hopeless. </span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
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</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I was angry about the injustice of it all. Or maybe it was fear, which
grew out of control over the following days and turned into anger. Either way,
I had a hard time controlling it at first. Eventually I realized that I had to
gather whatever strength I had in order to be there for both my wife and my
daughter. I began to understand that as scared as I was, I had to be there for
my wife, and the last thing she needed was to see my fear. I knew that in order
for my wife to be optimistic, I had to be optimistic. This was not easy, but
from that point forward I did my very best to be nothing but a stable source of
hope and strength for my family.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">In addition to being overwhelmed emotionally, I was immediately
overwhelmed with the amount of things I had to do in the days and weeks
following the diagnosis. I had to make arrangements for travel and work as well
as care for our daughter and our pets. Of course, I also had to care for
Heather and arrange doctors appointments and medical care, the list just seemed
to go on and on. I learned how to prioritize my tasks by order of importance. I
received offers of help from friends and family, and I quickly learned that I
needed to accept their generous acts of kindness if I wanted to keep my sanity.
I can’t imagine getting through it all without their help, and I will be
forever grateful to each and every person who reached out to us in our time of
need.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">My wife mentioned to me that there was a time in particular where
she wondered how I was managing to cope: the period of two months after her <a href="http://www.mesothelioma.com/treatment/conventional/surgery/"><span style="color: blue;">mesothelioma
surgery</span></a> in Boston. My daughter was staying with Heather’s parents in South
Dakota at the time, and after my wife’s surgery she flew out to meet her. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She would remain there for the next two months
while she recovered from her operation and prepared for the next phase of her
treatment. I had to remain behind to work and take care of our home, which
meant I was only able to see my wife and daughter once during this time. That
one time was when I drove 11 hours after work through a snowstorm in order to
see them. I spent a day and a half with them before driving 11 hours back on Sunday
to make it back to work the next day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
was an exhausting visit, which consisted of more time in the car than with my
family, but the few precious hours I got to spend with them were worth every
second of grueling travel.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">As hard as it was for me to be without both my wife and daughter,
I knew it was the best option for us. I wasn’t able to work and take care of my
wife and daughter at the same time. Even though it was a difficult choice to
make, I took comfort in the fact that I even had a choice.</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Six years later, my wife is still here and still healthy. I
learned how to accept the help of others and I gained strength in the knowledge
that even under extreme challenge, I still had choices that I could make. I
hope that any families that are currently dealing with a similar situation can
use our story as a source of inspiration.</span><span style="font-family: "Times","serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-5126965431502631832012-01-15T08:31:00.005-05:002012-01-15T09:01:43.734-05:00Where I've been...I feel so guilty that it's been 4 months since I've posted. I'll be honest, I used to post when I needed to vent...when I was having a "moment". I also used to post when I was sharing my boys and all of the funny and cute things that they do! I guess the reason I have neglected this blog is kind of a good thing, really.<br /><br />First of all, my "moments" are rare these days, so my need to vent is also pretty rare, too. Praise God! Now, let me also say that last Wednesday, I bawled like a baby for hours because I had a "moment" that lasted the entire afternoon, pretty much! That hasn't happened for a very long time, but it just came - sort of like cousin Eddie on Christmas Vacation! Totally uninvited, very inconvenient, and stayed way too long!! :)<br /><br />At the same time, although those moments suck (to be honest), they also bring me back to London. They make me remember vividly again. When I go "there" again, I remember how she felt in my arms. I remember tucking the soft, fuzzy side of the blanket under her little feet to keep them warm. I remember tracing her silky soft skin with my fingers...rubbing her little forehead and her hair. I remember putting my nose to hers and closing my eyes while I felt her little breath on my lips. I remember her sweet smell. I hear her cry and her grunts. I remember my precious baby girl. So...although those emotions are far too painful to "like", there is something cathartic and cleansing about going there again.<br /><br />Back to why I've neglected the blog. As I posted before, last year was a year of a new adventure for me and my family. I started London's Bridge Photography - in honor of London. My new business has become my outlet for my grief, and quite honestly, it has kept me so busy that I rarely have time to do much of anything else. I have been so blessed to see how London's Bridge Photography has grown just since March (when I took the plunge and put myself out there). I have been able to feel "fulfilled" through my business by honoring London, sharing her story more often, and also by giving back to charity with every session. I donate 15% of profits to the charity that my client chooses. I know that every person has something close to their heart, so when they get to choose where their donation goes, it makes them feel good, too! It allows them to give back in honor or memory of someone and feel like they've truly "Smiled for a Cause". So, my point is that doing good through London's Bridge Photography has allowed me to progress in my grief. In a sense, I know that I'm honoring London and making something GOOD come out of my sadness and my loss. And again, I NEVER want London to be forgotten, so knowing her name is on my logo, and that her name is being shared with others...well, it just makes me happy!<br />As far as sharing pictures of my boys...I pretty much use London's Bridge Photography for that, too. Whenever I want to tell about something cute or funny they've done, I usually share the pictures on facebook on my London's Bridge Photography page.<br /><br />Anyway, I'm sorry for my neglect. At the same time, I am thankful that I feel peace in my heart again. I'm thankful that my tears are few and far between these days. I'm just thankful! And...I'm thankful for you who do read this blog and appreciate my story. I know so many of you have your own hurt and your own story to share. I pray that God will give you peace and comfort. Whether you believe it now or not (I remember when I didn't believe it), "Weeping may endure for the night, but JOY comes in the morning." ~Psalm 30:5<br /><br />Never lose hope!!<br /><br />Love,<br />Ashlee :)Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-75327807493583404102011-09-11T08:50:00.004-04:002011-09-11T08:57:41.250-04:00Happy 4th Birthday, London!!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhBcjCjacNmh-abYJp-bh8TMdAgWa-t_VGTP8IIyrV0nv60X-nmMvv-ifA0-JSLF_r5CX6q2aFReMxsfniyOSplN8y5So0TWlaC-oHtvCiBTqUb7aFA2zZsFHL6_cQTTTPIAntjiWc07aY/s1600/Mommy+and+London.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 273px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5651085362002296834" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhBcjCjacNmh-abYJp-bh8TMdAgWa-t_VGTP8IIyrV0nv60X-nmMvv-ifA0-JSLF_r5CX6q2aFReMxsfniyOSplN8y5So0TWlaC-oHtvCiBTqUb7aFA2zZsFHL6_cQTTTPIAntjiWc07aY/s320/Mommy+and+London.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><div>Four years ago today...at 3:02 pm to be exact...I held my sweet baby girl for the first time. I will never forget the jubilation, the peace, the relief and pure happiness and joy that I felt that day. It's very hard to imagine that London would not be a baby or even a toddler or even a "little" girl if she were here with us. She would be 4...she would be big! She would be independent and full of personality. Oh how I wish I could hold her and love on her and laugh with her and celebrate with her today. We love you, London. Happy birthday in heaven, my sweet "big" girl!!! </div>Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-18479247554544109142011-09-05T22:49:00.003-04:002011-09-05T23:44:17.693-04:00I forget how tough...For the past week or so, I have felt like a pressure cooker. I've been tense, my anxiety has bothered me - more than usual. I have had bad dreams. I have had bad thoughts...thoughts that I would rather forget because they take me back "there". I have been sad and blue and have found myself overflowing with emotions and tears lately. I am just sad. I miss London so terribly. Not that I don't miss her terribly all the time...but, most of the time I can deal with it. Most of the time, I can shake it off and move on and go about my business with a smile on my face. Lately, it's just hard. <br /><br />It's September 5, and all I can think about it that London would be 4 this coming Sunday. Four? I just can't believe it. You would think that as each year passes, it would get easier to endure her birthday. However, I'm struggling just as bad this year as I did her first birthday. There's just something about her birthday that puts my loss into perspective. It reminds me of what I'm missing. It makes me wonder what she would look like, what her voice would sound like, what kind of birthday party she would want. <br /><br />When I was pregnant with London, I often wondered how I would manage her birthday and Jagger's birthday being so close ( Jagger's is the 7<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">th</span>). Would we have one big party? Would we party for a week straight doing his party and her party and school parties and family parties?! I've been thinking about that as we've prepared for Jagger's 6<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">th</span> birthday. His birthday is always so bittersweet to me. I know that may sound bad, but I'm just being honest. I try my best to focus on him and enjoy the moment, but I still think about how London is just 4 days behind him...and there is no party for her. There is no celebration. I know I know...in heaven she's celebrating. I know that, and I am so thankful to know that. But...moments like this are hard - regardless of the peace of mind that heaven gives me. I want her HERE...NOW!! <br /><br />Why is it that the anticipation of something is often worse than the day itself? Tonight as I put Jack to sleep in his room (London's room), I found myself tearing up...again...when I looked at the spot where I fell to my knees and begged and pleaded with God to heal her...to perform a miracle on her little heart. It was just days before she was born, and I was so scared and so excited to meet her, but so hopeful, yet nervous and anxious. I felt everything all at once...but I just wanted her to be okay. Rarely do I ever think about that when I put Jack to bed...but I did tonight.<br /><br />Tonight, Jack was throwing a fit. He was grumpy and clingy and screaming about everything...just one of those nights...and I just couldn't handle it since I was just emotional anyway. I went out and sat in my car and listened to Third Day and just bawled my eyes out...out loud...and talked to London and prayed to God. I tasted my tears for the first time in a long time. I let them fall without wiping them. I grieved without reservation, and it felt good. <br /><br />Why would I think about London's little body being in her casket? I did tonight. Why would I beat myself up over leaving her hospital room the few times that I did...not knowing at the time that those were moments I would never get back. I thought of that tonight. I thought of the words I spoke to her in her little ear as the nurses wheeled her into the operating room...the last words I said to her. I thought of the feeling I had when Jonathan, Jagger and I - and our whole family - had to solemnly walk out of <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">Cincinnati</span> Children's Hospital without London. I thought of how I felt when people who hadn't seen me in a while would ask how my baby was doing. I thought about her clothes and shoes and blankets and furniture...still nestled in my parents' basement. <br /><br />Jagger said yesterday that he wishes he was alive when I was a kid. I didn't really follow him at first. He tends to get really imaginative :) When I asked him why, he said because if he were alive when I was a kid, then he would have gotten to see baby London. Well, regardless of whether his thought makes a lot of sense or not, I know that he just wishes he could have met his baby sister. That's all. And I grieve that. I wish he would have met her and held her and kissed her and talked to her. I just shake my head in complete sadness at that reality. We just didn't know at the time. If only we would have known. Well, if we would have known, then a lot of things would have been different. <br /><br />I really do promise - as I've said so many times before - that I am doing so well. God had been so good to me. I'm in a valley right now, but I have faith that it's not a deep valley...and it will not last long. I remember a time - a very long duration of time - when I just didn't know if I would ever smile again. I didn't have joy, happiness, laughter, and peace. I doubted my future and God's plans for me. I felt robbed and bitter and betrayed. But God...that's a big statement because it's what saved me. But God...He was there and gave me hope and peace and comfort. He slowly but surely restored my hope and my faith and my trust in Him. I began to smile again and laugh again. That doesn't mean that I don't have my moments - or that I won't have my moments for as long as I live. But it does mean that God has renewed my spirit in a way that I never thought was possible. <br /><br />I love the Footprints in the Sand poem because it explains exactly how I felt when London died. Now, with hind sight, I realize that when I felt so alone and abandoned by God, it was He who was carrying me and loving me and comforting me. He never left me. <br /><br />I know this wave of emotions will pass. I will get through this birthday and "angel day" season once again. London was only in my arms for 2 days, but she and I were "one" for 9 months. I knew her habits, her schedule (wild in the middle of the night). I knew how much she loved to hear her Poppy play the piano. I know she knew my voice and she knew I loved her. I know she loved her daddy's songs as he sang them softly in her ear. She knew love. That's all we could ask for. London will be in my heart forever, and I will live my life honoring her and the ONE who gave her to us.Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-27779970888866632582011-07-29T09:46:00.005-04:002011-08-15T07:38:26.373-04:00Thankful & BlessedAs an elementary teacher, I absolutely love my summer breaks! I love watching TV in my bed head, drinking my coffee, getting on the computer. I love spending time with my two wild and wonderful boys. Well, the fighting, screaming, biting (Jack's latest), and crying does get a little old, but I wouldn't trade the time off with them for anything. With Jonathan and me both being teachers (at the same school, I might add), we get to have a lot of family time in the summer, so I am thankful for that.
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<br />Having said that, we just have 2 more days of freedom until another school year begins. I am always reluctant to begin and a little bitter to give up my summer freedom! But...I have to admit that I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. And I also must admit that we - as a family - do better with a routine! We go and blow and spend too much money when we're off! The boys will go into shock to have a bedtime again!
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<br />This year will be a bit different. Jagger will be in kindergarten!! Our baby is going to school! He went to the kindergarten open house and kindergarten "kick-off" and loved it! He was actually so annoyed by me...my camera in his face, my licking my finger to wipe the breakfast off his mouth...you know, all the typical mom stuff! He is ready, and he's excited, so I guess I am, too :) In fact, although it's hard to let my baby go into the independent phase of his life, the bigger picture reveals the many blessings in this phase! I realize that I am richly blessed that my son is here, that he is healthy and happy and independent, and that I can witness this moment. I can watch him spike his hair with entirely too much gel because it's "cool like that". I can allow him some freedom to dress himself and feel like a big kid. I can watch him walk into school with his monogrammed back pack and Lightning McQueen lunch box. I can enjoy his big cheesy grin that's missing 3 teeth already!!
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<br />As I type this and think about the sweet blessings of this moment in time, I am just overwhelmed with God's goodness and His grace. I tell you...I never thought that I would get to this point. I never dreamed that I would truly smile again, laugh again, have joy in my heart again after London died. I never thought that I could bask in happy moments without dwelling on London "not being there". I am so thankful to be able to say that - after nearly four years - I really do feel happy. I really do have joy. I really do have a belly laugh again that is contagious! There is finally joy in my heart again and a real smile on my face!
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<br />Well, let me say this...at this moment as I type and speak these words to myself, I actually have tears rolling down my face! I feel overwhelmed with thankfulness and joy. Of course, I am sad that my sweet baby girl is not here. Well, she wouldn't be a baby...she would be a little diva who is expecting her fourth birthday! I am sad that she is not bouncing around with her blond hair and big blue eyes - laughing, talking, bothering her brothers or loving on them! The truth is that my heart will ALWAYS ache for her. The void in my heart - the hole in my heart - may be "patched" as life goes on, but it will never truly heal until I hold her in heaven some day. Then, I will be complete.
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<br />But, for this life, I am finally doing well. That doesn't mean that I don't have my moments...sort of like today...I was filling out Jagger's kindergarten paperwork, and one of the papers asked about our family and wanted to know how many children are in our family. I hesitated to put "2" on the paper because I felt guilty for leaving London out. But...I did. I realize that life goes on, and I have to embrace life as it is. It is life with 2 boys. Life with lots of dirt and swords and dump trucks and wrestling and lots of blue. It is life with balls and bats and frogs and worms and mismatched t-shirts and shorts. And, you know what? I love my life. I love my boys. I love everything that comes with the territory.
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<br />I do wish that we had a pretty princess room in our home filled with pink and purple and bows and dresses and baby dolls. But - I'm finally "okay" that there is no pink in our home. It took me a long time to get here emotionally. And, let me say, it does still put my stomach in knots to talk about it, but I'm okay. I can handle it.
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<br />I always meditated on these two verses, and I still love them. The first is "Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning." ~Psalm 30:5
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<br />The other is "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." ~Jeremiah 29:11
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<br />I am a living testimony that God keeps His promises! Trust in Him - in the good and the bad - and your weeping will turn to joy! Never lose hope!
<br />Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-47195740773693192792011-06-05T23:07:00.007-04:002011-06-05T23:27:35.625-04:00Bored boys :)<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfHOUk5eRt-2qgG1BOKTdO3ZK7dDUerDMSuBPW4vXfp9glsHqkrmmAV10LXMKvTXxWxQ3XicD4WL6O8jP9NLD8Tf9pU2fO8wt3ZC-F1vy7FSmZ_Wd9yGy5XGVSDUHEe5ssx2VNlkCoB-W5/s1600/IMG_9789+copy.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 231px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5614939167284993378" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfHOUk5eRt-2qgG1BOKTdO3ZK7dDUerDMSuBPW4vXfp9glsHqkrmmAV10LXMKvTXxWxQ3XicD4WL6O8jP9NLD8Tf9pU2fO8wt3ZC-F1vy7FSmZ_Wd9yGy5XGVSDUHEe5ssx2VNlkCoB-W5/s320/IMG_9789+copy.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><div>Jagger & Jack made an attempt to entertain the strangers next to us at our cousin's graduation.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirCf3h5ArrcNpYCaWurjOnUS2y95R4x4dc5Cjd2DAvtvklHWQ2P5uwu02Vx6jWpqts5Pm4bb51nwQVh0MUrLUgYg5_25PtdWG26jVFhh3cMfvqcDLuppecXCUtEmSYgJwuybOzf9NSxvef/s1600/IMG_9796+copy.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 202px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5614939172758510546" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirCf3h5ArrcNpYCaWurjOnUS2y95R4x4dc5Cjd2DAvtvklHWQ2P5uwu02Vx6jWpqts5Pm4bb51nwQVh0MUrLUgYg5_25PtdWG26jVFhh3cMfvqcDLuppecXCUtEmSYgJwuybOzf9NSxvef/s320/IMG_9796+copy.jpg" /></a> </div><br /><div>I promise he was being quiet or I would have snatched him up!!<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtn3oOcc7X4Z6FD7P8Tp7_saKeYM-D9zJa8mXZOyto3dlYPWpb36ahyphenhyphenbAF1tn7yKXVqYX-cVydvxPSuoBG56wAS46qj-ntdwGvVuWrvDYJ5_OBjYCJeHKJMZPMi90TwCYiDJbhBMqsF9Rn/s1600/IMG_9769+copy.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5614939158319356338" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtn3oOcc7X4Z6FD7P8Tp7_saKeYM-D9zJa8mXZOyto3dlYPWpb36ahyphenhyphenbAF1tn7yKXVqYX-cVydvxPSuoBG56wAS46qj-ntdwGvVuWrvDYJ5_OBjYCJeHKJMZPMi90TwCYiDJbhBMqsF9Rn/s320/IMG_9769+copy.jpg" /></a><br />Happy boy!! And very rotten, I might add!<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjorP3lLbnYNN-r_3VU1Zhi_EfwKd8EpCQCCxAgiZve2MMkuQoRC-j9Wp-ESAs4LpCUNcAaAp_2jhj059Un0vFXeRac1B2I8HHNE5W2b1PXZyMGWqYGu4rNBxXVGZkqiCt4vkbt_Xy61rBq/s1600/IMG_9765+copy.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5614939154445291442" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjorP3lLbnYNN-r_3VU1Zhi_EfwKd8EpCQCCxAgiZve2MMkuQoRC-j9Wp-ESAs4LpCUNcAaAp_2jhj059Un0vFXeRac1B2I8HHNE5W2b1PXZyMGWqYGu4rNBxXVGZkqiCt4vkbt_Xy61rBq/s320/IMG_9765+copy.jpg" /></a><br />Another happy boy :) </div>Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-19831830687784605512011-05-30T22:56:00.003-04:002011-05-30T23:10:58.824-04:00Memorial Day<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7oph3SqicH9mt4-Zg9yQbEyGFcR-sqwIyO27SRbhOGkMQHsttW8kc9Oe5bXKLDeUysQXcb3VKdC39ChfstD5W2pZUkERGqTHoVIByQaYh5Ze637fdZZeEs6xQglOF4AxScS4onGdul0Ux/s1600/IMG_9823+copy.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5612709377169077954" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7oph3SqicH9mt4-Zg9yQbEyGFcR-sqwIyO27SRbhOGkMQHsttW8kc9Oe5bXKLDeUysQXcb3VKdC39ChfstD5W2pZUkERGqTHoVIByQaYh5Ze637fdZZeEs6xQglOF4AxScS4onGdul0Ux/s320/IMG_9823+copy.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><div>The wounds may heal, but the scars never go away. </div>Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-40553784215736751122011-05-27T17:08:00.007-04:002011-06-01T16:48:31.337-04:00Angel Addison<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYGRCOgxxqEEvoeu2OeUf9MBO_nWjMAHi-H5Oyeqz-W3HABw7dNHipXeZcq8NwCJjEJhKqxE480h_oLpuGLW_XbUQNkUfpfMWPV9-pQHApEU6XYe6nN97gHODsjEC-XKay9PwwaDTB0L2t/s1600/Addison.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 300px; HEIGHT: 225px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5611514355968349218" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYGRCOgxxqEEvoeu2OeUf9MBO_nWjMAHi-H5Oyeqz-W3HABw7dNHipXeZcq8NwCJjEJhKqxE480h_oLpuGLW_XbUQNkUfpfMWPV9-pQHApEU6XYe6nN97gHODsjEC-XKay9PwwaDTB0L2t/s320/Addison.jpg" /></a><br /><br />Have you ever felt like God was playing tricks on you? Do you ever feel that he's dangling a carrot in front of you, only to pull it away just as you think you can grab it? When outlooks are grim, we hold on to any glimmer of hope, and it's so disappointing when our hope is shattered.<br /><br /><em>Yesterday:</em> She's going to be fine. Miracles are happening. She's making progress. We have hope.<br /><br /><em>Today:</em> She has emergency surgery. Her intestines are beyond repair. There is nothing more that can be done. The family watches as they "keep her comfortable". She's gone.<br /><br />I've been there when you just want to know "why". I've been there when everything looked like it was going to be "fine", only for the worst and most unexpected thing to happen. I've been there in the dark moments of loss, the shock, the emotional pain that makes you want to just die.<br /><br />Today, my heart is so heavy for the Blair family today as they say good-bye to their precious 3-year-old daughter, Addison Jo. Since December, Addison has fought for her life against a rare cancer called neuroblastoma. Through her struggles and her story, Addison has touched thousands of people in our community, across the nation, and even in other countries. I am blessed to say that I have known Addison's family my whole life, and work with two of her aunts and one of her uncles. She is truly a hero in so many ways.<br /><br />I ache for Addison's family - for her sweet, loving, and God-fearing parents; for her baby brother who will only know his big sister through stories and pictures; to both sets of loving grandparents who will grieve for themselves and for their children; for her aunts and uncles, cousins, and friends who were beyond blessed to know her, to love her, and to be loved by her. And for those people who were praying for her daily and supporting her in immeasurable ways. I am just sad.<br /><br />Regardless of the pain, there is no doubt that God has used Addison in mighty ways, and I trust that He will continue to use Addison's family and her story in mighty ways.<br /><br />When I get to heaven, I will be sure to ask God why he takes children. I want to know. Until then, I will find comfort in the fact that Addison, London, and all the other precious children who have gone before us, are running and playing and laughing and singing at Jesus' feet. I will trust that one day those questions will be answered, and that we will all hold our children again - with no cancer, no heart defects, no accidents or colds...just perfection and joy and bliss for an eternity.<br /><br />For that - and even for that alone - I will praise the One who gave us our children in the first place. I will praise the One who shared our sweet angels with us - if only for a little while.<br /><br />Visit Addison's Caring Bridge page at <a href="http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/addisonjoblair">www.caringbridge.org/visit/addisonjoblair</a>Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-37795603739039508902011-05-04T20:04:00.007-04:002011-05-05T21:56:16.137-04:00Already???<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaUDlD4g4nEmB4gctTwOp0k_5eXLHQsJmaF-eYtkpdh6WGrym3tuupwvqky2gh99VhP0TmLa2rE_aONdmfH0bUI_bxILCHRFVqe8_KnZ5oOaFJB-9Y7olStXd7qqsFfE0plpyu7vf2LMab/s1600/April+30%252C+2011+001+copy.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5603016830259101138" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaUDlD4g4nEmB4gctTwOp0k_5eXLHQsJmaF-eYtkpdh6WGrym3tuupwvqky2gh99VhP0TmLa2rE_aONdmfH0bUI_bxILCHRFVqe8_KnZ5oOaFJB-9Y7olStXd7qqsFfE0plpyu7vf2LMab/s320/April+30%252C+2011+001+copy.jpg" /></a><br />My baby - I mean, my big boy - lost his first tooth! I can't believe he's already that big! He even pulled it himself!!<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNr6li0FbIligCjetiAWr22wXsyyzK244FzXoKVbzqVJU9wBihKAmc2z5J-skClFVDcQMeLt0e9gchslUQiMtI8kGI2TNCVfsebFsoTxHAPTd4s1Pcg0D585zFjV2j4uD0SX_PQmsqqGVY/s1600/April+30%252C+2011+002+copy.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5603016831534188146" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNr6li0FbIligCjetiAWr22wXsyyzK244FzXoKVbzqVJU9wBihKAmc2z5J-skClFVDcQMeLt0e9gchslUQiMtI8kGI2TNCVfsebFsoTxHAPTd4s1Pcg0D585zFjV2j4uD0SX_PQmsqqGVY/s320/April+30%252C+2011+002+copy.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><div>Do you know what the goin' rate for a tooth is these days? Well, Jagger's Papaw told him he should definitely get about $20 for that tooth! I wanted to get my dad for telling him that! The tooth fairy brought a whoppin' $5 because the first tooth is special! I think she was totally fair, and Jagger was totally happy with $5!!</div><br /><div>He told me last night - as he was jumping as high as he could possibly jump on the bed - that "ever since he lost a tooth, he can jump way higher!!!"</div><br /><div>It's amazing what losing a tooth will do for you!</div>Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-5833846900253795382011-04-25T20:11:00.004-04:002011-04-25T20:41:33.271-04:00Our EasterWe had a wonderful Easter! Church was just awesome, and we were humbled by the reminder of the sacrifice that Jesus made for us! Not only that, but thankful beyond words for his resurrection! I have never seen the entire "Passion of the Christ", but it was on TV last night, and I watched the end. Wow! And all I can think is He endured that for ME???<br /><br />The boys had fun coloring eggs and hunting them. The sad part is that our weekend was so extremely stormy and rainy that I didn't even get a picture of the boys in their actual Easter outfits! We were running late for church, I didn't take my camera in church, and we were rushing to get out of the rain after church, and then once we got home, they were so not in picture taking moods!! Oh well...they looked sweet :)<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA1nqBIJfm4C7cteS4dwy8JWQHH_B01yyf6QtAQoAaEsuAn3nRtHKoUzSOxAV0OEMLvXkrj4rNv0gUHlXUdQbTDmtuaXDV2nrQenTjhRY0KIaFgiltk4rJ6DgV5WYW7Tm_BKDbzWeQuX9W/s1600/IMG_8212+copy.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5599681805015017938" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA1nqBIJfm4C7cteS4dwy8JWQHH_B01yyf6QtAQoAaEsuAn3nRtHKoUzSOxAV0OEMLvXkrj4rNv0gUHlXUdQbTDmtuaXDV2nrQenTjhRY0KIaFgiltk4rJ6DgV5WYW7Tm_BKDbzWeQuX9W/s320/IMG_8212+copy.jpg" /></a><br />Every egg had to be dipped into about every color...about 5 times each!<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhNxtsXgE2nbyNQRmQEulSHp8kcfPpp6PtrRiOTLNbUN2jaSyDi2bH-YsSf7nzrjw3z_1Ovg1uLGhnUko6nXv6ory6OX1C1Pa_zpCBFYRCpK1MgLnHVcRAmQca7nfsNfPBW9XJtGTnyQWS/s1600/IMG_8216.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5599681807245387986" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhNxtsXgE2nbyNQRmQEulSHp8kcfPpp6PtrRiOTLNbUN2jaSyDi2bH-YsSf7nzrjw3z_1Ovg1uLGhnUko6nXv6ory6OX1C1Pa_zpCBFYRCpK1MgLnHVcRAmQca7nfsNfPBW9XJtGTnyQWS/s320/IMG_8216.JPG" /></a><br />The messier the better! His fingers looked great with his outfit on Sunday!<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHgFq6SLx4vyqCtdgKGIx-v4myWBVWumQq6YvfRtyYPwqW30czybPUtba7PrT_FHzo7qoOAV9O_FXXeLbNXWaayVY8H495UNQ4XxEH2Jxob5-L-D91BCVRsGAmziS4Cgqbs4QL_4kUbpUV/s1600/IMG_8258-2.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5599681813873010690" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHgFq6SLx4vyqCtdgKGIx-v4myWBVWumQq6YvfRtyYPwqW30czybPUtba7PrT_FHzo7qoOAV9O_FXXeLbNXWaayVY8H495UNQ4XxEH2Jxob5-L-D91BCVRsGAmziS4Cgqbs4QL_4kUbpUV/s320/IMG_8258-2.jpg" /></a><br />The Easter Bunny fell asleep on Saturday night without meaning to, but thankfully he stopped by our house before the boys woke up!!! Whewww!!<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv9GuEf1pRzjt8JNAqyhRTSrJmcFAwFcP4DsESDyXy66YTT1MvbxlFqZtpxclI0E-_4yTyJt0bBG4CtBlzeVE9uD0v7VRWrTOiSGknL6BggeXXO7LSsIXzC8-5uZomNMIIZbhDLOYbs1VO/s1600/IMG_8424_edited-1.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5599681813982387954" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv9GuEf1pRzjt8JNAqyhRTSrJmcFAwFcP4DsESDyXy66YTT1MvbxlFqZtpxclI0E-_4yTyJt0bBG4CtBlzeVE9uD0v7VRWrTOiSGknL6BggeXXO7LSsIXzC8-5uZomNMIIZbhDLOYbs1VO/s320/IMG_8424_edited-1.jpg" /></a><br />After church, we had a family get-together at my uncle and aunt's house. It was also my mom's birthday on Sunday, so we had a lot to celebrate! As you can see, Jagger found a mud puddle (with his cousin, Jett), and they took full advantage!! They even "washed off" in the pond! That's good fun!!<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNWRjFuUPTOVFHhUq-g1WEDMLE6mhEiMNaFUzN7lM2mhVFRQQeNjBQoatRNbS0BrAyIRgcTAPPAhhyxGaA4W-aniNTiTvma8hRRrz5IstjftZSxaugxFpYjwt4JeaCNONCZPiSFlDZllxj/s1600/IMG_8360+copy.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5599681821511821906" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNWRjFuUPTOVFHhUq-g1WEDMLE6mhEiMNaFUzN7lM2mhVFRQQeNjBQoatRNbS0BrAyIRgcTAPPAhhyxGaA4W-aniNTiTvma8hRRrz5IstjftZSxaugxFpYjwt4JeaCNONCZPiSFlDZllxj/s320/IMG_8360+copy.jpg" /></a><br />Nothing a little soap and detergent can't fix :) They had a blast!!<br /><br />Have a wonderful day! Until next time...<br /><br /><div></div>Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-68906882818029600692011-04-16T07:34:00.007-04:002011-04-16T17:20:26.219-04:00Just having a momentAs I look out my window this morning, it's dreary and raining. Maybe that's one reason why my mood is just down today. Maybe not. I think that the dreariness just adds to the real reason that my emotions have been more sensitive the past few days. I remember last year around this time, I struggled. Let's just put it this way...have you seen all the PINK around lately?? Easter is next week, and everywhere you go, it just oozes pink and flowers and <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">girly</span> and angelic and <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">girly</span> (did I say that already?). Don't get me wrong, the precious little boy Easter outfits are just as sweet, but you've got to admit, it's all about pink right now! I've said it a million times on this blog, but man...at these times, I just miss her so terribly. I just ache for her. I ache to choose the perfect Easter dress, prissy shoes, <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">hair bow</span>, the perfect Easter gift. I ache to see her in her dress between her two handsome brothers. I think about taking their pictures together...would they would be smiling sweetly for the camera? Would one be looking at me while another pulled her hair? Would she be pinching her brother because he looked at her wrong? :) I just think about those every day "life" things. Not just the perfect - <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">everybody's</span> happy - moments. But, the funny, brother/sister moments like loving one moment, arguing the next! Today, one of my very best friends is having a "Bunny Brunch" for her little girl's birthday. Is that not the sweetest idea? The boys are excited. It will be so precious. However, in this moment, I can't help but wish London could be here. Not that heaven doesn't compare to a Bunny Brunch (ha ha), but for me! I'm the one who's missing out. I wish I could see her face in moments like that. I wish I could pick out the most adorable outfit for the occasion. I'm just sad. Most of the time, I can look at London's pictures in our home, and I just pass by because I'm "fine", or I'll touch them and move on, or I'll simply grin and go about my business. Other times - like today - I just stare and notice every detail. I notice her little button nose, her chubby cheeks, her lips that look just like her brothers'. I look at her precious dark hair and think about the "wisp of hair" that I have in a tiny zip-lock bag in her special box upstairs - that the nurses gave us when she died. I know, I know...how sad and depressing. That's just where I am right now. Instead of thinking about what pretty arrangement I can buy for her grave this season, I instead have thought - this morning - about the moment at her funeral when I finally reached the car to leave, and Jonathan stood beside me and said, "I want to help them put her in the ground," and he stayed and helped lower her little white casket into the ground. He helped shovel the dirt onto the pink roses that remained. It's what felt "right" to him at that moment. I know what you're thinking...come on, Ashlee, that is just ridiculously sad!!! And I say...I know it is!! I'm just telling you where my thoughts have gone this morning. When I have moments like this (or a couple of days like this), those memories and thoughts and feelings just come back, and it's hard. Praise the Lord that feeling like this does not linger like it used to. It doesn't cripple me any more. Tomorrow - or even later on today - I will be fine. A good friend of mine who lost her brother to suicide once told me that those feelings are tucked away in her "pocket", and she keeps them there until she needs to pull them out again. That's a good way of thinking of it, in my opinion. The feelings are always right there, but I don't take them out all of the time. They're there if and when I need them. Even in the midst of struggling a bit, I can say that I've made gains lately...2, actually. The first gain was last week when I took pictures of my dear friends' little girls. I wanted their pictures to be just perfect. I brought props and had ideas for sweet little poses and settings. One of the props that I brought was an antique-green little rocking chair. That little chair has been in my parents' basement for the past 3 1/2 years under a blue tarp with all of the rest of London's things. Before, I wouldn't dare touch her things - and especially wouldn't use her things for another child (especially another little girl). Well...I did. I love my friend, and I love her girls, and it just felt right. Plus, it made for some sweet pictures! I was proud of myself for being able to take that step. The second gain that I made was that I used one of London's gift bags for a little girl gift. I still have every single gift bag that I received for my baby showers for London. They have not been touched. Well, until last night. I actually sorted through them and picked a precious little gift bag - a very pink, prissy one, I might add - for my friend's little girl. It tugged at my heart a bit, but I'm okay, and I'm not going to switch the bag! It's a small step, but a very big step for me. My point is that even though things trigger my grief and sadness - and always will, I'm sure - God continues to help me move forward, to make gains, to grow stronger. He continues to bless me, to give me comfort and strength and joy and happiness and peace. For that, I am so thankful! Okay, want to hear something funny? In a boys' world (that I'm in), here's a couple of funny things lately that the boys have done. Our babysitter asked Jack if he wanted to use the potty this week. She asked him because he was standing very still with a painful look as his face turned bright red!!! <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-error">Hmmm</span>...wonder what he was doing?!! His response to her - with a grunt- was "<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-error">Nodda</span> day (shaking his head 'no'), I poop my <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" class="blsp-spelling-error">diapuh</span>." Why would you choose to poop in your diaper instead of going to the potty?! In due time, I guess :) Jagger is totally into role play, and he loves the show Man <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_7" class="blsp-spelling-error">vs</span>. Wild with Bear <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_8" class="blsp-spelling-error">Grylls</span> -an extreme <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_9" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">outdoorsman</span> that has to survive in the most challenging environments. Anyway, he was playing on his <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_10" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">swing set</span> and hanging onto the slide as if he was holding on to a mountain and didn't want to fall thousands of feet below (like Bear <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_11" class="blsp-spelling-error">Grylls</span>). So, I was "narrating" in an English accent (because Bear is from England), and Jagger was just loving it. We had to do it over and over and over and over and over...okay, you get the point. Then, I noticed that he asked me again to "<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_12" class="blsp-spelling-error">Nanavate</span>". "Come on, Mommy, I want you to <em><span id="SPELLING_ERROR_13" class="blsp-spelling-error">nanavate</span></em> for me because I'm gonna pretend I'm jumping out of an airplane!" So, friends...the next time you hear of a narrator, you can just call it a "<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_14" class="blsp-spelling-error">Nanavator</span>"!! They crack me up! Until next time...Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-73189232717441463602011-03-29T16:28:00.005-04:002011-03-29T16:42:09.098-04:00Building BridgesIn honor of my sweet London, I humbly introduce... <br /><div></div><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2wh-dfd8FuK5LxH29iGYALYkLel7IP4sNvsDaGglCceZSaEtE-3CSnv-8579R_X9-TkvQAvkWWrmh8xB_ODHaBeNcq2F12XgsVSZVBseMrLxFEpc6BfV3BKq37yEqj_DiEK_QjvW02T4h/s1600/London+Bridge+Photography.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 400px; HEIGHT: 248px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5589602177501703842" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2wh-dfd8FuK5LxH29iGYALYkLel7IP4sNvsDaGglCceZSaEtE-3CSnv-8579R_X9-TkvQAvkWWrmh8xB_ODHaBeNcq2F12XgsVSZVBseMrLxFEpc6BfV3BKq37yEqj_DiEK_QjvW02T4h/s400/London+Bridge+Photography.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Praying that this adventure will honor London's memory and give a sense of fulfillment by giving back to others in need. Visit <a href="http://www.londonsbridgephotography.com/">http://www.londonsbridgephotography.com/</a> for more information!</div>Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-46676845530609689252011-03-17T22:14:00.004-04:002011-03-17T22:33:49.967-04:00Our visitors...3 of them!!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHlayfoRCx7WPTdswlGh3-kjsyaLDtLLFUVeD3gsprWe33r-dwtohX0Cf03T2MB0uP_3Wq6sYHFk8vN44YdJfv_HKLTY8M-HQelekT7CAaYRc2-H5wKCqUEUlNkGw37pUmopvMUVsAA43-/s1600/094_edited-1.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5585239292197098610" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHlayfoRCx7WPTdswlGh3-kjsyaLDtLLFUVeD3gsprWe33r-dwtohX0Cf03T2MB0uP_3Wq6sYHFk8vN44YdJfv_HKLTY8M-HQelekT7CAaYRc2-H5wKCqUEUlNkGw37pUmopvMUVsAA43-/s320/094_edited-1.jpg" /></a><br />On my last post, I told you about the 3 snakes that we found during our yard "clean up" on Sunday! Two little ones (that lived) and one huge one that was coiled up in a bush in our front landscape. Ummm...it didn't live. In fact, it was snapping at Jonathan's shovel like a cobra! Okay, maybe I'm being a bit dramatic, but it was sick and definitely enough snake for us!!<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSlRw0au54SKRHovuCEjBmO9b7mpLa_VXSrd8N608VshHrULiamC-TqimpKfcr3EtcF57fQA4v-qYvyZ3T5uUBxTTDfzh9DoKxZUSa087DJPMCmYJN8VWWlVwMRJhugThRnJ1OZsu9tcGk/s1600/092_edited-1.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 251px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5585239284500038354" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSlRw0au54SKRHovuCEjBmO9b7mpLa_VXSrd8N608VshHrULiamC-TqimpKfcr3EtcF57fQA4v-qYvyZ3T5uUBxTTDfzh9DoKxZUSa087DJPMCmYJN8VWWlVwMRJhugThRnJ1OZsu9tcGk/s320/092_edited-1.jpg" /></a><br /><div><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyBLch_k3cSk33ulFPGunsil2Sn2EkDG0_mAmeuYuLsGE7Vd1YFNzUMgeNQ_nMnAyDe73LspMjojzpuTzwtWx4cDUTAJY4EmsVFPz91zGSH0rK1588abJBz8v5rD4VMLeTFzcxLTQt4Gm7/s1600/083_edited-1.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 229px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5585239270085119154" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyBLch_k3cSk33ulFPGunsil2Sn2EkDG0_mAmeuYuLsGE7Vd1YFNzUMgeNQ_nMnAyDe73LspMjojzpuTzwtWx4cDUTAJY4EmsVFPz91zGSH0rK1588abJBz8v5rD4VMLeTFzcxLTQt4Gm7/s320/083_edited-1.jpg" /></a><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2pN-ouEAHZM_WYZDyFI3H-Uqmgzi0qq8fe3iTyqd0zsZiXEWIUi5-TlmADx27LniROJS7LlohUUKKdlhwp7CIkzhlUCJfJc2ouUgp_GYAtGVpmno6EKzzV0rjosNVazO-S45MgcEkDcFh/s1600/080_edited-1.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 221px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5585239260930283762" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2pN-ouEAHZM_WYZDyFI3H-Uqmgzi0qq8fe3iTyqd0zsZiXEWIUi5-TlmADx27LniROJS7LlohUUKKdlhwp7CIkzhlUCJfJc2ouUgp_GYAtGVpmno6EKzzV0rjosNVazO-S45MgcEkDcFh/s320/080_edited-1.jpg" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVaAGyvtXNqbmxWq84c25jLPJonxsld_kMB47HFm5knE5uW-twN_9EslVH1pUnjzc6ImogNN3st5oENkIsJGrMQ78-zGu2XSbfIDLVVmHI0KatH4rFK8zTjTQM4OjtWh0t7oDiVL8g543c/s1600/089_edited-1.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5585239275379228242" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVaAGyvtXNqbmxWq84c25jLPJonxsld_kMB47HFm5knE5uW-twN_9EslVH1pUnjzc6ImogNN3st5oENkIsJGrMQ78-zGu2XSbfIDLVVmHI0KatH4rFK8zTjTQM4OjtWh0t7oDiVL8g543c/s320/089_edited-1.jpg" /></a><br />And that was without its head!!!<br /><div></div></div></div></div>Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-51833965790632790322011-03-13T23:33:00.004-04:002011-03-13T23:43:26.379-04:00Oh Happy Day!Talk about neglect. I have totally neglected my blog for well over a month now. I'm not sure if there are still readers out there, but just in case...<br /><br />We had a wonderful day today. It was about 65 degrees, the sky was clear and blue. The trees are budding, the grass is getting green, so we stayed out in it all day. The boys were dirty...so dirty. They played in the dirt, held worms...and tadpoles (from our neighbor's pond). They built a fort out of sticks. They took several rides in the wheel barrow (on top of leaves and sticks that we were trying to clean up)!! They played with the dogs and in the sandbox, and with rocks. <br /><br />And, here's the most exciting part of the day...SNAKES! Plural...snakeS!! While raking leaves in the front yard, we saw 2 little snakes, so Jonathan had to come and pick them up by their tails and scare us with them! Then, a while later, he yelled for us to come to the front porch again. Thank goodness I didn't decide to clean out the front landscaping before he did because...oh my!! There was a snake in the landscape that was about 5 feet long! I'm not even kidding! It was raising it's head and snapping at Jonathan. I felt like I was watching an episode of Bear Grylls on Man vs. Wild!!! Needless to say, the snake ended up headless, and Jonathan was a total tough guy hero!! I'll have to post pictures later! <br /><br />Today - even with the snakes - was one of those days that I just realize how blessed I am. Blessed to have my health, my sight to see the beauty all around me, blessed to have my children and my husband and my home. So blessed and very thankful!Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-54414740004739233612011-01-30T12:41:00.005-05:002011-01-30T13:17:54.533-05:00The wild ones...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjocrhPg9CjK_y52wFtx8hbPV1rNnib9nYu2KIepicz5SnQMKPsVuxbvcjKuD7gtsEVjErtQYSU0PLKvme8dV26HIm6ZQ03Ef09AHjzPIU_8AC44y81ogYiv98Q1HZluI3RyrwV0VASyvvH/s1600/018.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5568039038514445394" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjocrhPg9CjK_y52wFtx8hbPV1rNnib9nYu2KIepicz5SnQMKPsVuxbvcjKuD7gtsEVjErtQYSU0PLKvme8dV26HIm6ZQ03Ef09AHjzPIU_8AC44y81ogYiv98Q1HZluI3RyrwV0VASyvvH/s320/018.JPG" /></a><br />Jagger taped a little stick to his upper lip (a mustache) and was singing that Italian song, "Figero, Figero..." (However you spell that!). The hilarious part is that he was singing, "PIGero, Pigero..."<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEBbptcBXzDp_Txk9dMDq2cY8EG6wJMGDYuv9g7CPbn96iSQRdj4sHYJf-T51tneEqT7Nl8j3Y9mcmYpa7L9dbsLiUKGmfxPSyd9CKCmiXKlmtECOq7Ld5RaAQqYoDKa2yAKd-Owa2-07X/s1600/052.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5568039035904681970" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEBbptcBXzDp_Txk9dMDq2cY8EG6wJMGDYuv9g7CPbn96iSQRdj4sHYJf-T51tneEqT7Nl8j3Y9mcmYpa7L9dbsLiUKGmfxPSyd9CKCmiXKlmtECOq7Ld5RaAQqYoDKa2yAKd-Owa2-07X/s320/052.JPG" /></a><br />Jammin' Jack!!! He has become absolutely obsessed with music...actually, as he says, "Wock-e-Woe guys". He is constantly playing his guitar (as you see here), his drums, singing in his microphone (mah-pone), and even closes his eyes and nods his head when he's really "into" the music! He is something else!!<br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimW9WVHYQ7B2k1HCQtL4tq0ugq63BS4ZWfEJiYsVJh9ClI0nNYRqjFNlljDk9VcmaIwb_l91J0Ng8u_nFpYdO_79AkXphrXUlJV6o6nVJHPUkAtCwtGwgHlN2kzLf8q3FAJV3R5Y62jwLs/s1600/028.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5568039028578360898" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimW9WVHYQ7B2k1HCQtL4tq0ugq63BS4ZWfEJiYsVJh9ClI0nNYRqjFNlljDk9VcmaIwb_l91J0Ng8u_nFpYdO_79AkXphrXUlJV6o6nVJHPUkAtCwtGwgHlN2kzLf8q3FAJV3R5Y62jwLs/s320/028.JPG" /></a></div><div>This was a funny sight. Jagger looked like Fred Flinstone, and Jack thought he was so big to be pushing his brother!<br /></div><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix2Rwqqja3rr4lXeyJ5ikZERVgaeUjbW3JI7thnnFo3apVyiyjtUkcXeQBTEvOEKQasGkeRXbTu0zYvKXMf98AA_0CRklQzJTNIbbeqsATcUSEsomiGEvFJLXFI4QgCOUH1jmhIsPkuWxB/s1600/015.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5568036930000099042" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix2Rwqqja3rr4lXeyJ5ikZERVgaeUjbW3JI7thnnFo3apVyiyjtUkcXeQBTEvOEKQasGkeRXbTu0zYvKXMf98AA_0CRklQzJTNIbbeqsATcUSEsomiGEvFJLXFI4QgCOUH1jmhIsPkuWxB/s320/015.JPG" /></a><br />Doughnuts and milk will do it to ya every time!!!</div><div></div><div></div><div> </div><div></div>Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-89028320558973513172010-12-24T09:56:00.002-05:002010-12-24T10:07:03.761-05:00Merry Christmas!<div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOu1mS31mOx7UE_vVkGh_ubm1PVf9mYZbj4gBQ0jcdmBzU1BmCtIXHWT6I4a4Boy7tipsTTnL5nuxbweZc0QJOPBnb4nU94hUvAHa79XWj9NHzfiRq4RkbG4Gk0WvQ38areidSE5mmOelg/s1600/IMG_1161.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5554264705239908562" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOu1mS31mOx7UE_vVkGh_ubm1PVf9mYZbj4gBQ0jcdmBzU1BmCtIXHWT6I4a4Boy7tipsTTnL5nuxbweZc0QJOPBnb4nU94hUvAHa79XWj9NHzfiRq4RkbG4Gk0WvQ38areidSE5mmOelg/s320/IMG_1161.JPG" /></a><br />Jack was all about Santa...until it was time to sit in his lap!!!</div><div> </div><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuks0qSVMYt1SmeCmGVPhFhQg4dS38MaN8r9D47b4fdiM5rfcajK7s_8rYjzdjz-xFbgwUc-WAGa9X36MKfkTaWd0G3ReKDghFauB6wQB2lCslWf4JZbZ7Xgo9UQI02qFRHZuzt1lfJj0F/s1600/IMG_0495.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 214px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5554264716280395442" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuks0qSVMYt1SmeCmGVPhFhQg4dS38MaN8r9D47b4fdiM5rfcajK7s_8rYjzdjz-xFbgwUc-WAGa9X36MKfkTaWd0G3ReKDghFauB6wQB2lCslWf4JZbZ7Xgo9UQI02qFRHZuzt1lfJj0F/s320/IMG_0495.JPG" /></a></div><div>London's pink, princess stocking...</div><div> </div><div> </div><div>Merry Christmas!!! </div>Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-52576336512997797532010-12-20T07:36:00.006-05:002010-12-23T02:01:05.400-05:00Jesus is all that matters!It's December 20. I'm sitting alone in my living room drinking my coffee, listening to <em>Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. </em>There is snow outside. The only light is that from my Christmas tree. The kids are still asleep. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">Ahhhh</span>, it doesn't get much better than this! I love Christmas.<br /><br /><span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">Ummm</span>...scratch that. My "me" time was good while it lasted :) My little stinker just woke up, was yelling for me, and now we're watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Jack is now snuggled beside me on the couch, under 2 big blankets, eating his Little Debbie chocolate cake (come on, isn't that a breakfast food???), and leaning on my shoulder. Now, really, it doesn't get much better than this!<br /><br />Well, wait...there are a couple of things that would make it even better. If Jagger were snuggled on my other side, and if London were snuggled in my lap. Now that would be an absolutely perfect moment, don't you think?<br /><br />As I sit here, I see her pink stocking hanging between her brothers' stockings. Her special ornament with her picture is on the front of our tree. I'll be honest. This is my 4<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">th</span> Christmas without London, and I've been struggling...again. As I've said so many times before, it is not that gut-wrenching, constant sadness that I used to feel. However, I have my moments (a lot of them lately) where I just have to grieve. I have to reflect on my daughter and the fact that I miss her so so terribly. Every stage and every age that the boys go through is yet another stage of London that I am missing. Don't get me wrong. I understand that I can't dwell on my grief. I can't afford to let it consume me. There are many times when I get sad over something - usually a trigger of some sort, and I have to just think about something else, turn the radio on...anything to just get it together! And there are those other times when I just let it come over me. I allow my feelings to surface, and I just feel. It's painful, but it's also very cleansing for me. I need that release every now and then.<br /><br />However, I just praise God that I have the assurance that I will see her again. I have hope. I know that, although my family will always be "Four Plus an Angel" on this earth, we will be perfectly whole - and all together - in heaven.<br /><br />What if I didn't have that assurance? How do people survive and cope with intense loss without Christ, without salvation, without hope?! Oh my goodness...what a dark, depressing thought.<br /><br />The sermon at church yesterday was on Christmas and the simplicity of salvation. Without Christ, there is no Christmas! Jesus was born so that he could die for us! He set the standard of perfection. Not that we would try to be perfect, but that we would see that we will NEVER be perfect, and that we need Christ. We need Jesus in our hearts. We need Him in our lives.<br /><br />Everyone NEEDS to be saved (1 John 1:8).<br />Everyone CAN be saved (1 John 2:1-2).<br />Everyone is saved the SAME WAY (1 John 5:13).<br />Everyone who's saved can KNOW it and be sure (1 John 5:13).<br /><br />That no matter what we've done, how much guilt we may feel, "...the Lord is so good, so ready to forgive, so full of unfailing love for all who ask for His help!" (Psalm 86:5)<br /><br />Did you know that you can "believe" with your mind that Jesus Christ was born, lived a perfect life, died on the cross, and rose again, and still not be saved?! You can "believe"(think/agree) that God loves you. But...there's more to salvation than believing with your mind! You must COMMIT to Him! You have to put your TRUST in Him. You have to put your FAITH in Him. You have to have a RELATIONSHIP with Him.<br /><br />Lord knows that I mess up all the time. I ask for forgiveness and then mess up again. I fail miserably!!! However, I go to Jesus and talk to Him. I feel my conscience (the Holy Spirit) leading me on a daily basis. I recognize that Jesus is my standard, that I will NEVER reach that standard, and that I need Him!!<br /><br />A one-time prayer won't get you to Heaven if you don't put your trust in Him. Being baptized won't save you! You can dunk youfself in the bathtub at home!! Being "sprinkled" as a baby doesn't save you! You must follow him, trust him, recognize your constant need for Him, and acknowledge that He is Lord.<br /><br />Isn't that what Christmas is ("should be") all about?! It's not about the presents. It's not about the craziness of shopping and wrapping and cooking and entertaining and eating and visiting - although those things are definitely fun! It's about Jesus! My how we get away from the true meaning of Christmas! I'm as guilty as anyone!<br /><br />So, I encourage you - just as I encourage myself - to reflect on the true meaning of this season! When you feel overwhelmed with all of the preparation...just stop, be still, and remember that Jesus is all that really matters!<br /><br />Merry Christmas, friends!!Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-76268583104884369152010-12-18T09:11:00.004-05:002010-12-18T09:26:04.043-05:00My funny boys!It's been almost a month since I've posted! Gosh, I'm sorry! What can I say??? It's Christmas time, and it's just crazy! Here are some funny pictures of my boys :) Merry Christmas!!<br /><br /><div><div><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS8LK-TCKZDz-rsjR2yYEH4GsMI0y4hO-WQjlJH6vIomsshlP9ClZ_rbWrYj1euK0zhwYv35SKCy4lG_FyAsmjoh7WTQt-2G3yF3ofUKvaR67sas15ItHi5PdXK2KVs7SLYk4RZ1RHiC2-/s1600/IMG_4385.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 302px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5552026878963385090" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS8LK-TCKZDz-rsjR2yYEH4GsMI0y4hO-WQjlJH6vIomsshlP9ClZ_rbWrYj1euK0zhwYv35SKCy4lG_FyAsmjoh7WTQt-2G3yF3ofUKvaR67sas15ItHi5PdXK2KVs7SLYk4RZ1RHiC2-/s320/IMG_4385.JPG" /></a> </div><div>The mullet...to cut or not to cut...that is the question!<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqbzsKCRsJkzdUHbNqaRzoCbggwYgQjaOyOOcCS-Gli2Gtb1MMFckBPvEJ3DUcnFkDSH2zVzWA9lfjNAr-Aj7I5qcAS3p7IEkQiemSJ0n-US0_wKlqKwbsv9euuwyoIyuTGlE0Ft3tjJ87/s1600/IMG_4541.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 213px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5552026882675144370" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqbzsKCRsJkzdUHbNqaRzoCbggwYgQjaOyOOcCS-Gli2Gtb1MMFckBPvEJ3DUcnFkDSH2zVzWA9lfjNAr-Aj7I5qcAS3p7IEkQiemSJ0n-US0_wKlqKwbsv9euuwyoIyuTGlE0Ft3tjJ87/s320/IMG_4541.JPG" /></a><br />The boys made a gingerbread man with Grandmommy. </div><div> </div><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2or0w-ogmZjHjGb_4EpKkw8uwR09Oq1gBPOZlfXObUTV1b2hiUJuN86XIdelCktBgo_5eTsKnDS1T3CrVLxD_xVGUUiuj06799vPSesilqkh_Lf2rXofr3s7nKln0cGdLWk_GIwD0lZQp/s1600/IMG_4461.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 305px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5552026863905863714" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2or0w-ogmZjHjGb_4EpKkw8uwR09Oq1gBPOZlfXObUTV1b2hiUJuN86XIdelCktBgo_5eTsKnDS1T3CrVLxD_xVGUUiuj06799vPSesilqkh_Lf2rXofr3s7nKln0cGdLWk_GIwD0lZQp/s320/IMG_4461.JPG" /></a> </div><div>One of Jack's latest little tricks...saying "getcha getcha getcha." He thinks he's so funny!!</div><div><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5JpIByjn381Z3VEpDRUSBTYnNzf4CufUW2JfPIgVlSCb6C8TxX_rx2V59gT6rS_PhIIz93UT3NqqJ8UF6Rf7AfxF_q-5c61zSbB7fxcXud-vtgdjftEd2zDylnMvCHZmA0AX34fOxcC-o/s1600/IMG_4569.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5552026891889722882" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5JpIByjn381Z3VEpDRUSBTYnNzf4CufUW2JfPIgVlSCb6C8TxX_rx2V59gT6rS_PhIIz93UT3NqqJ8UF6Rf7AfxF_q-5c61zSbB7fxcXud-vtgdjftEd2zDylnMvCHZmA0AX34fOxcC-o/s320/IMG_4569.JPG" /></a><br />Wrestle Mania with Papaw<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjADqZ-YBOW2519F-ZXLLkcQBxyEW4qJCPAtIJ0Cb2k_aThhbY0aRITdfs0jf3oDT03O6Qd9aO5qDDKBiaZ7GHHM-ASDxd7rPQPcdCiqPZR59pLYJ6OymYkK7uAp-NObtrP2sXuOvYYItYc/s1600/IMG_4572.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 240px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5552026893918506242" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjADqZ-YBOW2519F-ZXLLkcQBxyEW4qJCPAtIJ0Cb2k_aThhbY0aRITdfs0jf3oDT03O6Qd9aO5qDDKBiaZ7GHHM-ASDxd7rPQPcdCiqPZR59pLYJ6OymYkK7uAp-NObtrP2sXuOvYYItYc/s320/IMG_4572.JPG" /></a><br />And you see who won!!!</div><div></div></div></div>Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-41605488415975742232010-11-24T23:58:00.004-05:002010-11-25T01:06:53.791-05:00WatotoIt is fitting that tonight, I got to see the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">Watoto</span> <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">Childrens</span>' Choir from Uganda, Africa perform at a local church. Oh my goodness...my heart is just overflowing!!! I have seen the choir twice before and each time, I seem to forget how wonderful it is! First of all, those kids can DANCE!!! Man, can they dance! They can sing. And they LOVE JESUS more than anything! Plus, they are all orphans who have been "adopted" by the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">Watoto</span> ministry. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">Watoto</span> has given them a home, a "family", three hot meals a day, school, medical care, clean clothes...everything they need in order to feel safe and secure. But more importantly, the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-error">Watoto</span> ministry has given them hope...hope for today and hope for their future. They have learned that God loves them - if they were abandoned, left for dead, or orphaned by AIDS or war - they know that regardless of all of their pain, God will never leave them and never forsake them, and He loves them!<br /><br />To see the joy in their eyes - knowing that they have every reason in the world to hang their heads - is so inspiring and humbling. To hear their little voices praise God, to see them dance with sweat dripping from their chins, to see their bright smiles...it makes my heart smile. It makes me realize what it means to truly serve God, to love Him and worship Him, and praise Him with EVERYTHING you are. They do! They realize - more than most of us do - that they owe God everything! Some of these kids were orphaned toddlers on the streets! Some of them were abducted by rebels and forced to kill at an age when most children are playing on a swing set in the back yard! Their stories are incredible, but even though most of our stories are not even close to theirs, we still have our own battles. We still have times when we feel alone, abandoned, neglected, confused. We experience loss and hurt and disappointment.<br /><br /><span id="SPELLING_ERROR_7" class="blsp-spelling-error">Watoto</span> has a message for whomever is watching, and that is "because of God, we have HOPE!" There is no problem too big for Him.<br /><br />I'll admit, I've had a little bit of an emotional day just missing London. We finished decorating for Christmas, hung her sweet ornaments on our tree, hung her pink stocking in the center of the mantle...all of those things. I've just been sad today. So when I saw the video of precious, innocent babies who have been rescued from garbage piles, toilets, and the streets, I just couldn't help but get just mad that my baby died, and I wanted her more than ANYTHING in this world, yet people are just dumping their babies in the trash or flushing them down toilets! It's just so hard to even fathom how that could happen. Okay...off my soapbox now. Anyway, praise God that <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_8" class="blsp-spelling-error">Watoto</span> is saving these babies and nursing them back to health and allowing them to grow and prosper.<br /><br />It's sort of like God with us. We are like helpless infants left for dead. If someone doesn't save us, we will surely die...we are hopeless. But just like <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_9" class="blsp-spelling-error">Watoto</span>, God comes along and rescues us. He cleans us up, nurses us back to health, heals our wounds, eases our pain, and saves us! He gives us hope for our future! Now that is something to be thankful for!<br /><br />I was also reminded tonight that, in the midst of the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_10" class="blsp-spelling-error">childrens</span>' hurt, pain, sadness and grief, they had JOY. They were so thankful, and they were still praising God! How often have I been sad or down, and I have just chosen to have a pity party and sulk and cry and bathe in my misery! It's happened a lot! You know what? Those kids are not having pity parties! They are CHOOSING to have joy, to see the glass half full, to count their blessings. If they can do it, so can I.<br /><br />So, I am so thankful. I am thankful for my salvation and the assurance that God loves me although I disappoint Him and mess up often! I am thankful that I know that my baby girl is with Him, safe and secure. I am thankful for my precious boys who bring so much love and laughter and joy and happiness to my life. They are my everything! I am thankful for my husband who loves his family and loves the Lord. I am thankful for my church, my job and the children I work with, my wonderful friends and family, and my home. I am thankful that I can get out of bed every morning and be independent and go and do as I please. If you've ever seen the ESPN special on Kyle Maynard (google him and be amazed and inspired), you'll realize what a blessing it is to have arms and legs. I am thankful for little moments like now when I look next to me, and Jagger is asleep on the couch with his little Pirates of the Caribbean pj's on, cuddled in a blanket, and breathing softly.<br /><br />There is just so much to be thankful for. I could just keep going and going. My point is that it is so easy to point out all that's going wrong. I'm speaking to myself here! It's so easy to focus on the negative - whether it's grief and sadness or spilling your coffee on your shirt! It's easy to point out the bad stuff and to sulk about it. But, it's so much more gratifying and fulfilling to point out the good, the positive, the blessings! After all, they are endless!<br /><br />I challenge you - just as I challenge myself - to see the good, the positive, the blessings! Let's see the glass half full and have joy in our hearts because God loves us!!<br /><br /><strong>Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! </strong><br /><br /><br />** In 2005, my dad, sister, aunt and other church members went to Uganda to build a home for the children in a <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_11" class="blsp-spelling-error">Watoto</span> village. I know from their experiences how pure and Christ-centered this ministry is, and I encourage you to visit their website at <a href="http://www.watoto.com/">http://www.watoto.com/</a>. Prepare for a blessing!Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-13068888239827401142010-11-18T23:48:00.008-05:002010-11-19T16:59:25.674-05:00My handsome boys!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGuWdWPZS2Bju0S2lb8Xos4fpcxpS-yh0d7RIIzrFaTmAnpS_EvBZUFGTb4D3bHiw5ccr63R37GMe89OcW0E-j6Xxm0gxXlrsqs0tHVcbXIQAfRUCE6bQzwF3ICAyszRRaYZwWWU2I4G9C/s1600/IMG_4097.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 240px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5541125638101550610" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGuWdWPZS2Bju0S2lb8Xos4fpcxpS-yh0d7RIIzrFaTmAnpS_EvBZUFGTb4D3bHiw5ccr63R37GMe89OcW0E-j6Xxm0gxXlrsqs0tHVcbXIQAfRUCE6bQzwF3ICAyszRRaYZwWWU2I4G9C/s320/IMG_4097.JPG" /></a><br /><br />A few days ago, I made an attempt to get at lease one good picture for Christmas cards. Although it was like herding cattle trying to get them to both look at me, face certain directions, and smile...we luckily got some cute shots! Here are my adorable little boys :)<br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzZBO9kQjVHiOoVihtAOWQkWxtiVhoo90SnRMKh3lY4Ecp_0uU4Vwt2GC9HtZ_8tcAJkFmwDmZwW43eZMpNAazoclEtW8fsOujsnMjJ2MIv96e4Za1ktPZSUbcmvXoaD-JbhNqirQ1HGrw/s1600/IMG_4095.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5541125597739615826" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzZBO9kQjVHiOoVihtAOWQkWxtiVhoo90SnRMKh3lY4Ecp_0uU4Vwt2GC9HtZ_8tcAJkFmwDmZwW43eZMpNAazoclEtW8fsOujsnMjJ2MIv96e4Za1ktPZSUbcmvXoaD-JbhNqirQ1HGrw/s320/IMG_4095.JPG" /></a><br />And, NO, I didn't tell them to do that face! Not sure what they were doing...but isn't it cute?!!!<br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1adVrobR_x9MqE7eCYW69JLqd1-WpuE7Xkb7unpdr3_E2HSxftdpjssgxGSp4aaMkNcM0iN5XxmG7xzVgXhnQ1ABme44riDfmCSbJt4doBzd-dCyk3guSF0DDFzqLq3SiTwUBy-zgMsf4/s1600/IMG_4093.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 240px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5541125575508998930" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1adVrobR_x9MqE7eCYW69JLqd1-WpuE7Xkb7unpdr3_E2HSxftdpjssgxGSp4aaMkNcM0iN5XxmG7xzVgXhnQ1ABme44riDfmCSbJt4doBzd-dCyk3guSF0DDFzqLq3SiTwUBy-zgMsf4/s320/IMG_4093.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJdzUUsdy4ti5zqD3oeRIUr_6XQOZZRARFMAuzjY2zRtShRlOm7bxK0_6eAX5UKlYnDrXcQRYRljRCOmAqApyXchESid425H2kCA_JRdvsXMkHwr97Vhhe_I1gqBw4y3bUpfndtDS5H8er/s1600/IMG_4080.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 215px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5541125568716555266" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJdzUUsdy4ti5zqD3oeRIUr_6XQOZZRARFMAuzjY2zRtShRlOm7bxK0_6eAX5UKlYnDrXcQRYRljRCOmAqApyXchESid425H2kCA_JRdvsXMkHwr97Vhhe_I1gqBw4y3bUpfndtDS5H8er/s320/IMG_4080.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYoD-nOozmLKmdYlILq3BtlsSNwOu0DWOoXDhNKM8kBJWgEWseTrUfjox6FLBV3uoeX6rczUb3EsAMtKLMe7EmInSZ5cbiJsbjscc2U-3PzXsEIUQTyDCQ1F4LQ8FdB1BmXwi_R3yxghjK/s1600/IMG_4079.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 240px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5541125560361473986" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYoD-nOozmLKmdYlILq3BtlsSNwOu0DWOoXDhNKM8kBJWgEWseTrUfjox6FLBV3uoeX6rczUb3EsAMtKLMe7EmInSZ5cbiJsbjscc2U-3PzXsEIUQTyDCQ1F4LQ8FdB1BmXwi_R3yxghjK/s320/IMG_4079.JPG" /></a><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUIOVypS6uzY-jRzu3EBPREzOktn4tbLD0xTVaN0QBttx5SClNH_qxykQiFpBaqzgycB0CR1Tqw88Xy13De0Bh1Xt002qnSDEsgvOQU5VfUwqmvmAK_MhJw2SJYXfBhMuSSaahaz12eA8J/s1600/IMG_4073.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 240px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5541121898608270738" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUIOVypS6uzY-jRzu3EBPREzOktn4tbLD0xTVaN0QBttx5SClNH_qxykQiFpBaqzgycB0CR1Tqw88Xy13De0Bh1Xt002qnSDEsgvOQU5VfUwqmvmAK_MhJw2SJYXfBhMuSSaahaz12eA8J/s320/IMG_4073.JPG" /></a> </div><div>Should this be a poster for "Brotherly Love" or what?! My sweet boys...<br /></div><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz76yetDj7MbdDGk0QkI8Jte-X6UPV0g5YXPtpBwkA8pwlhqnT6bLog2hrKi_SwwIN5qmah5bzEtsrctUeH7NxXXUaM0MLTf_I4yIkIgJOW_nUhJNkKLlZW3da0Yg-iiclihvW1D-FaSbH/s1600/IMG_4072.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 240px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5541121889301843298" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz76yetDj7MbdDGk0QkI8Jte-X6UPV0g5YXPtpBwkA8pwlhqnT6bLog2hrKi_SwwIN5qmah5bzEtsrctUeH7NxXXUaM0MLTf_I4yIkIgJOW_nUhJNkKLlZW3da0Yg-iiclihvW1D-FaSbH/s320/IMG_4072.JPG" /></a><br />Uhhh, wait a minute. Okay, maybe this would be a more accurate poster for "Brotherly Love". One tormenting the other. Yep, I think this is more accurate!<br /></div><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNZGJCDUm8xX-GDnbSiuSR-qVzWZO_bVX52Bwabulu7lp_145wiMS46knGSu-jMH6Ez9JwWKhvT899Ub1sNHBmFxtFc90cclKziGLvWB2YxZP6AJ5ddSRgy7fKvqFpdMqMPTLTISUKq704/s1600/IMG_3941.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 273px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5541121884249944306" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNZGJCDUm8xX-GDnbSiuSR-qVzWZO_bVX52Bwabulu7lp_145wiMS46knGSu-jMH6Ez9JwWKhvT899Ub1sNHBmFxtFc90cclKziGLvWB2YxZP6AJ5ddSRgy7fKvqFpdMqMPTLTISUKq704/s320/IMG_3941.JPG" /></a><br />We went to Jackson's Orchard in Bowling Green, and the Cider Slider was a hit (isn't that a great name?)!! And it was free :) And there were maybe 5 kids there the day we went, so there was NO line! So...free and no line means that Jagger (and Jack and Daddy and Mommy) went down the Cider Slider a BUNCH!!!<br /><br /><span style="font-size:0;"></span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwcM-dSaHwYKiOitkupiZ-Z5ngEnL8MvuYwBaMdx2kk6iTxYBOtQqUWTXyc5cjvbpOMZOopesgMM1UXaDLgkhXITNXph22j66oUpLMjgG567qmMlFSXqetW0yzhu-DjtIAHd1aAgNjCD7A/s1600/IMG_3940.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 245px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5541128143171482594" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwcM-dSaHwYKiOitkupiZ-Z5ngEnL8MvuYwBaMdx2kk6iTxYBOtQqUWTXyc5cjvbpOMZOopesgMM1UXaDLgkhXITNXph22j66oUpLMjgG567qmMlFSXqetW0yzhu-DjtIAHd1aAgNjCD7A/s320/IMG_3940.JPG" /></a><br />Jonathan's hair blowing in the wind. Jack's little mullet blowing in the wind. Life is good!!<br /></div><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3uFrd4S17nsnG8_aVvuVrRX0LJHm9QXfja720UBSV_LQBzxRGtDw0VPRwH53N6Wq22CWOEOsR_P3WRA9T9JtSwjJBuV_5pOjiYZZI5pcw1BkF-2Afa86FvijPTmp8Ovt_PlvSy-Igojpj/s1600/IMG_3939.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 240px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5541120559287604258" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3uFrd4S17nsnG8_aVvuVrRX0LJHm9QXfja720UBSV_LQBzxRGtDw0VPRwH53N6Wq22CWOEOsR_P3WRA9T9JtSwjJBuV_5pOjiYZZI5pcw1BkF-2Afa86FvijPTmp8Ovt_PlvSy-Igojpj/s320/IMG_3939.JPG" /></a><br />Wish we had one in our back yard!<br /><br /></div></div></div></div>Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-60704538564108695872010-11-11T22:08:00.004-05:002010-11-11T22:59:33.277-05:00Major progress :)If you have read very much of my blog, you have seen where I have struggled with facing "baby girl" things. It has been very tough - and at times, impossible - for me to even look at baby girls, hold baby girls, look at baby girl clothes at the store, and buy baby girl gifts. I had to leave my friend's baby shower at school one time because she was having a baby girl and when she started opening up all of the precious little "pink" things, I just couldn't take it. I ran to my classroom and bawled my eyes out. I couldn't visit my best friends for their baby showers, I didn't go to the hospital when their baby girls were born, and I couldn't even go to see their babies for quite a while...and they were my best friends.<br /><br />You may think that's just ridiculous, and you may be totally right. I will say that I tried, but my emotions just got the best of me back then. I explained my feelings and my struggles to my friends and they were wonderful at understanding and respecting my feelings.<br /><br />Okay, having said that...yesterday at school, we had a baby shower for two teachers at our school. One teacher is having a baby boy next month, and the other teacher has a 3 month old baby girl. Her husband and baby girl came to the shower, too. Would you believe that I actually was in a store and chose to look at baby girl clothes, choose a precious little outfit for her, and I bought it! And to top it off, I even picked out a pink, "girl" card for her. I actually bought it willingly and without tears! The outfit even said, "Apple of Mommy's Eye", and I didn't even cry!<br /><br />During the shower, I was totally fine (as I expected) as my one friend opened all of the precious little blue things for her baby boy. Surprisingly enough, I was completely fine as my other friend opened all of the prissy, pink things for her baby girl. I didn't even feel sad. And...I even held her baby girl almost the entire time.<br /><br />Do you know how big of a deal this is for me? I know, I know...it sounds goofy. It may sound ridiculous. Well, let me just say that this is the second time that I have bought a baby girl outfit in 3 years. For the longest time, I wouldn't even go near the "girl" section in the store, and I would buy a general baby card - definitely not a "little girl" card. I usually bought gift cards so that I wouldn't have to deal with the pain. The hurt was too deep, and it was very hard to have "joy" for someone else who was having a precious little girl.<br /><br />Again, it wasn't their fault. It was just my grief, and it controlled me for a long time. I feel like I have really accomplished something after enduring the baby shower without sadness or tears. I look back and remember when my friend at school (who lost her baby boy to a heart defect 27 years ago) told me that some day I would be able to to endure the hurt, that it wouldn't be so gut-wrenching, and I would smile again. Back then, I thought it was absolutely impossible. Now, I know she was right. And even more than that, yesterday was just one sign that God truly carries us through our trials, our burdens, our sadness and despair. He pulls us through, and if we stick it out, he allows us to see the light at the end of the tunnel.<br /><br />I know I will have many many many more sad moments when I grieve my London. But...I also know that for the most part, "Weeping has turned to Joy", and for that, I am thankful!!!Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-59259224598811461512010-10-25T22:14:00.003-04:002010-10-25T23:32:48.216-04:00Where does London fit in?First, let me say that I am sorry for neglecting my blog. I think about it every day - how I need to post, how I wish I had something insightful to share. The truth is that when I started this blog, I needed a constant outlet for my grief. I wanted to share my heart with others who may be struggling, too. Don't get me wrong, I still need this outlet for my grief, and writing is so therapeutic for me. However, I do not feel the constant need for <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">journaling</span> and venting like I used to - thank goodness. My bad days are few and far between. I think about London every day, and I have sad moments often, but they are not crippling like they used to be. I can handle them now. On top of that, I am just busy - just as all of you are! Keeping up with my two boys is a full time job. Right now, they're asleep, the house is quiet and still, and I can actually sit and blog! So, I will take advantage - if I don't fall asleep, too! <br /><br />I love fall. I love the cool air, the gorgeous colors of the changing leaves, I love taking my boys to the pumpkin patch, carving jack-o-lanterns, decorating for Halloween. I love candy corn mixed with peanuts, the smell of harvest candles, our annual trip to <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">Gatlinburg</span>. I love the anticipation of the holidays...Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I love fall!<br /><br />Fall is also hard for me. As much as I love fall and the holidays, this is also a time when the reality of life without London is so tough. It's tough all the time - any time of the year. But, there's just something about this time of year. It's a time when children are excited, costumes are chosen, candy is eaten :), family is cherished, and we reflect on all that we are thankful for...all that we have, all that God has blessed us with. It hurts when someone is missing during this time. For me, London is missing. I can't help but think...what costume would she wear on Halloween? What would she be saying and doing? How would Thanksgiving be with all three of my children sitting around the table? What would our Santa picture look like, our Christmas Cards, Christmas morning? What would London's jack-o-lantern look like this year (I let Jagger design his own...ha!). Those are some things I think about.<br /><br />Now, here's where I struggle. Where does London fit in? She's our daughter, she's the boys' sister, she is a part of our family. But...how far do I take it? I totally recognize that it really doesn't matter what other people think as far as how I deal with my grief. My story is my story, and my loss is my loss. However, I become uncomfortable or unsure sometimes about how to appropriately include London without being obsessed with keeping her memory alive or being depressing to others. Let's face it, it's sad to talk about or remind people about my daughter who died. I know that. But, at the same time, it makes me equally sad to pretend that she never existed! <br /><br />Here are things that would have never crossed my mind - as far as what people go through with grief and loss - before I lost London. When I sign a birthday card, I put "Ashlee, Jonathan, Jagger and Jack". I ALWAYS think about the fact that I should be signing London's name. On our Christmas cards, I struggle with what to put or which pictures to include. Do I include a small picture of London? Or would that be inappropriate or depressing? Do I put "...and our angel London" again under our names, or is that inappropriate? When people ask me about my children who haven't seen me in a while, should I mention London right off the bat or is that a bit forward and depressing for them? When people laugh about Jack's funny disposition and say, "Oh, that's the second child for you...", do I correct them and say that he's the third child? Wouldn't that make them uncomfortable? For me, it makes <em>me</em> uncomfortable to ignore London and overlook the fact that she was/is my second child. Jack is the "youngest" child...not the "second" child. <br /><br />Having vented and said all of that, I completely - without a doubt - understand why people say and do the things they do. They forget. I forget others' struggles sometimes. That's just how it goes. As much as I know that London is cherished by so many, she is still overlooked. And that's normal. As time passes, memories become faint...that's just the way it is. But...as London's mommy, I still have the desire to share her story. I still have the desire to show her off, to include her in our family. Maybe I'm holding on when I should be letting go a bit. Or maybe I'm just a mommy who loves her daughter more than anything in this world - equally as much as I love my sons - and I just don't want her to be forgotten! <br /><br />Yesterday, Jonathan carved pumpkins for the boys. They loved getting all the "guts" out - and slinging them on each other, by the way! Jagger designed his jack-o-lantern face, and after they were both finished, we sat them on the front porch for all to see. I - as I usually do - felt like we <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">should've</span> carved a third pumpkin for London. After all, there are 2 pumpkins on the front porch for my boys. Should I carve one for her? Or...again...is that just a bit much? Do I need to move on? I told myself today (as I thought about it) that our jack-o-lanterns represent our boys...the ones who live here and celebrate here, and that the reality is that London is not here. I had to tell myself that I don't need to feel guilty for "leaving London out". <br /><br />See what I mean? It's a constant struggle, a constant battle for when to include London and when to let her go. After all, she's not being left out of ANYTHING where she's at!! In fact, I'm sure she's in the center of a major celebrations, major holidays, parties, praising, worship, laughter, singing, dancing, playing...you name it! She's in the presence of my Jesus...my savior! And I'm sitting here feeling bad because she doesn't have a jack-0-lantern on our porch! Now that puts it in perspective! <br /><br />It's hard to separate my human feelings and wants from my spiritual knowledge of how it "really is". I am just thankful that I know how it "really is", and that I have the peace of mind to know that London is absolutely, positively happy in heaven. Peace of mind doesn't take away the hurt, but it gives me hope. It allows my mind to rest and puts my heart at ease.<br /><br />I ask for your prayers. Although it's been three years and we are doing SO much better now than back then, we still struggle. We still are a family of 4 who should be a family of 5. We still ache for our daughter. I have so many friends who, too, are aching for their precious children whom they've lost. I guess we should celebrate that all of those babies are together in the arms of Jesus. They're all fine, perfectly whole, and having way more fun than they could ever have here! But...we are not with them...and it hurts. Pray for my friends who still struggle. You may not know their names, but God does. Thank you...<br /><br />For now, I will continue shouting London's name loud and clear as I see fit! I will never cease to share her story and God's incredible mercy and grace upon my life. Although I do not understand His ways, I trust Him and I know He has my daughter safe in His arms.Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1997122846772303166.post-8720051278599874352010-10-07T00:24:00.005-04:002010-10-07T00:56:29.058-04:00I'm so behind!! Catching up...<div><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEZlAJ9yRPDVJzv1jX2t5C8F1sZrdmcignq7I2dQz8jYH_Dh5ncNQ9M0aih61IbiiyUWBRJ4QSUKdnIEgkvyvvxdir8BoD_sl_AGvf0906vDsctxK1LZRH3TTgOBsVmlGR_C-6zbzTjOev/s1600/IMG_3131.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 320px; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5525158424519242818" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEZlAJ9yRPDVJzv1jX2t5C8F1sZrdmcignq7I2dQz8jYH_Dh5ncNQ9M0aih61IbiiyUWBRJ4QSUKdnIEgkvyvvxdir8BoD_sl_AGvf0906vDsctxK1LZRH3TTgOBsVmlGR_C-6zbzTjOev/s320/IMG_3131.JPG" /></a> </div><div>Jagger in his homemade karate uniform...a pillowcase! He thought he needed to wear it for his party, of course.<br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijg5yMB_ZngsPDcxDxeREI0x3ZlUR1I7t5jRlAgcSmyo5eNGCMWgiIdmkGJicPgTwYMoCKW0nwqegkWmpA1VmwYi3KPH0HmOe2kfok4SDtnmL0O4a8eE4YjMqHNai8hsv02mZA4TYlJPXy/s1600/Alaena's+wedding+-+sisters.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5525162532975130818" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijg5yMB_ZngsPDcxDxeREI0x3ZlUR1I7t5jRlAgcSmyo5eNGCMWgiIdmkGJicPgTwYMoCKW0nwqegkWmpA1VmwYi3KPH0HmOe2kfok4SDtnmL0O4a8eE4YjMqHNai8hsv02mZA4TYlJPXy/s320/Alaena's+wedding+-+sisters.jpg" /></a><br /><div>Sisters of the bride...</div><div> </div><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6SnIs_yLcUVXAHrS_UwkjHfRM_VSkY9HmizouVCUIRtlgCEsjOPu-AqojhFim-wafiUZM5cDgvQLfqox318wKBaFg9CDs1WzI3IrIw_gCFo5qGzsELIhRuO6OoiGI4hB-GypBzeAvkzLg/s1600/Ash+%26+Jonny+at+the+wedding.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 214px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5525158417304291010" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6SnIs_yLcUVXAHrS_UwkjHfRM_VSkY9HmizouVCUIRtlgCEsjOPu-AqojhFim-wafiUZM5cDgvQLfqox318wKBaFg9CDs1WzI3IrIw_gCFo5qGzsELIhRuO6OoiGI4hB-GypBzeAvkzLg/s320/Ash+%26+Jonny+at+the+wedding.jpg" /></a><br />Where are the boys?! I'm totally shocked that we had a picture made without the boys! Reminds me of when we were dating...wow, that's strange!<br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVVOQhW2MWiqywbiDwvR2MwEfUXWF8bneQvgeAblS0lNiZhJVcLkpDGs0TvQLDZno2ryDHLKuo3MHaQZ29PnJKjvY0KXNAQcXDY_niGgtbcT4YR8o4igpVnUemP3fG2CL-jwJ2YCq0uSjV/s1600/Alaena's+wedding+-+our+family.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 236px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5525158406288986706" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVVOQhW2MWiqywbiDwvR2MwEfUXWF8bneQvgeAblS0lNiZhJVcLkpDGs0TvQLDZno2ryDHLKuo3MHaQZ29PnJKjvY0KXNAQcXDY_niGgtbcT4YR8o4igpVnUemP3fG2CL-jwJ2YCq0uSjV/s320/Alaena's+wedding+-+our+family.jpg" /></a><br />There they are :) Back to normal...<br /><br /><br /><div>I am so sorry that it's been nearly a month since I have posted. There are really no new excuses...just the same one...I've been busy! There's rarely ever time to sit down at the computer and just share my heart or my pictures. My little ones demand my attention most of the time! </div><div></div><br /><div> I am so behind on posting pictures, so here are a few. I will catch up soon, I promise :)</div><br /><div></div></div></div></div>Ashlee Tomeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01214884630503640820noreply@blogger.com1