Talk about neglect. I have totally neglected my blog for well over a month now. I'm not sure if there are still readers out there, but just in case...
We had a wonderful day today. It was about 65 degrees, the sky was clear and blue. The trees are budding, the grass is getting green, so we stayed out in it all day. The boys were dirty...so dirty. They played in the dirt, held worms...and tadpoles (from our neighbor's pond). They built a fort out of sticks. They took several rides in the wheel barrow (on top of leaves and sticks that we were trying to clean up)!! They played with the dogs and in the sandbox, and with rocks.
And, here's the most exciting part of the day...SNAKES! Plural...snakeS!! While raking leaves in the front yard, we saw 2 little snakes, so Jonathan had to come and pick them up by their tails and scare us with them! Then, a while later, he yelled for us to come to the front porch again. Thank goodness I didn't decide to clean out the front landscaping before he did because...oh my!! There was a snake in the landscape that was about 5 feet long! I'm not even kidding! It was raising it's head and snapping at Jonathan. I felt like I was watching an episode of Bear Grylls on Man vs. Wild!!! Needless to say, the snake ended up headless, and Jonathan was a total tough guy hero!! I'll have to post pictures later!
Today - even with the snakes - was one of those days that I just realize how blessed I am. Blessed to have my health, my sight to see the beauty all around me, blessed to have my children and my husband and my home. So blessed and very thankful!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
The wild ones...
Jagger taped a little stick to his upper lip (a mustache) and was singing that Italian song, "Figero, Figero..." (However you spell that!). The hilarious part is that he was singing, "PIGero, Pigero..."
Jammin' Jack!!! He has become absolutely obsessed with music...actually, as he says, "Wock-e-Woe guys". He is constantly playing his guitar (as you see here), his drums, singing in his microphone (mah-pone), and even closes his eyes and nods his head when he's really "into" the music! He is something else!!
This was a funny sight. Jagger looked like Fred Flinstone, and Jack thought he was so big to be pushing his brother!
Doughnuts and milk will do it to ya every time!!!
Friday, December 24, 2010
Merry Christmas!
Jack was all about Santa...until it was time to sit in his lap!!!
London's pink, princess stocking...
Merry Christmas!!!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Jesus is all that matters!
It's December 20. I'm sitting alone in my living room drinking my coffee, listening to Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. There is snow outside. The only light is that from my Christmas tree. The kids are still asleep. Ahhhh, it doesn't get much better than this! I love Christmas.
Ummm...scratch that. My "me" time was good while it lasted :) My little stinker just woke up, was yelling for me, and now we're watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Jack is now snuggled beside me on the couch, under 2 big blankets, eating his Little Debbie chocolate cake (come on, isn't that a breakfast food???), and leaning on my shoulder. Now, really, it doesn't get much better than this!
Well, wait...there are a couple of things that would make it even better. If Jagger were snuggled on my other side, and if London were snuggled in my lap. Now that would be an absolutely perfect moment, don't you think?
As I sit here, I see her pink stocking hanging between her brothers' stockings. Her special ornament with her picture is on the front of our tree. I'll be honest. This is my 4th Christmas without London, and I've been struggling...again. As I've said so many times before, it is not that gut-wrenching, constant sadness that I used to feel. However, I have my moments (a lot of them lately) where I just have to grieve. I have to reflect on my daughter and the fact that I miss her so so terribly. Every stage and every age that the boys go through is yet another stage of London that I am missing. Don't get me wrong. I understand that I can't dwell on my grief. I can't afford to let it consume me. There are many times when I get sad over something - usually a trigger of some sort, and I have to just think about something else, turn the radio on...anything to just get it together! And there are those other times when I just let it come over me. I allow my feelings to surface, and I just feel. It's painful, but it's also very cleansing for me. I need that release every now and then.
However, I just praise God that I have the assurance that I will see her again. I have hope. I know that, although my family will always be "Four Plus an Angel" on this earth, we will be perfectly whole - and all together - in heaven.
What if I didn't have that assurance? How do people survive and cope with intense loss without Christ, without salvation, without hope?! Oh my goodness...what a dark, depressing thought.
The sermon at church yesterday was on Christmas and the simplicity of salvation. Without Christ, there is no Christmas! Jesus was born so that he could die for us! He set the standard of perfection. Not that we would try to be perfect, but that we would see that we will NEVER be perfect, and that we need Christ. We need Jesus in our hearts. We need Him in our lives.
Everyone NEEDS to be saved (1 John 1:8).
Everyone CAN be saved (1 John 2:1-2).
Everyone is saved the SAME WAY (1 John 5:13).
Everyone who's saved can KNOW it and be sure (1 John 5:13).
That no matter what we've done, how much guilt we may feel, "...the Lord is so good, so ready to forgive, so full of unfailing love for all who ask for His help!" (Psalm 86:5)
Did you know that you can "believe" with your mind that Jesus Christ was born, lived a perfect life, died on the cross, and rose again, and still not be saved?! You can "believe"(think/agree) that God loves you. But...there's more to salvation than believing with your mind! You must COMMIT to Him! You have to put your TRUST in Him. You have to put your FAITH in Him. You have to have a RELATIONSHIP with Him.
Lord knows that I mess up all the time. I ask for forgiveness and then mess up again. I fail miserably!!! However, I go to Jesus and talk to Him. I feel my conscience (the Holy Spirit) leading me on a daily basis. I recognize that Jesus is my standard, that I will NEVER reach that standard, and that I need Him!!
A one-time prayer won't get you to Heaven if you don't put your trust in Him. Being baptized won't save you! You can dunk youfself in the bathtub at home!! Being "sprinkled" as a baby doesn't save you! You must follow him, trust him, recognize your constant need for Him, and acknowledge that He is Lord.
Isn't that what Christmas is ("should be") all about?! It's not about the presents. It's not about the craziness of shopping and wrapping and cooking and entertaining and eating and visiting - although those things are definitely fun! It's about Jesus! My how we get away from the true meaning of Christmas! I'm as guilty as anyone!
So, I encourage you - just as I encourage myself - to reflect on the true meaning of this season! When you feel overwhelmed with all of the preparation...just stop, be still, and remember that Jesus is all that really matters!
Merry Christmas, friends!!
Ummm...scratch that. My "me" time was good while it lasted :) My little stinker just woke up, was yelling for me, and now we're watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Jack is now snuggled beside me on the couch, under 2 big blankets, eating his Little Debbie chocolate cake (come on, isn't that a breakfast food???), and leaning on my shoulder. Now, really, it doesn't get much better than this!
Well, wait...there are a couple of things that would make it even better. If Jagger were snuggled on my other side, and if London were snuggled in my lap. Now that would be an absolutely perfect moment, don't you think?
As I sit here, I see her pink stocking hanging between her brothers' stockings. Her special ornament with her picture is on the front of our tree. I'll be honest. This is my 4th Christmas without London, and I've been struggling...again. As I've said so many times before, it is not that gut-wrenching, constant sadness that I used to feel. However, I have my moments (a lot of them lately) where I just have to grieve. I have to reflect on my daughter and the fact that I miss her so so terribly. Every stage and every age that the boys go through is yet another stage of London that I am missing. Don't get me wrong. I understand that I can't dwell on my grief. I can't afford to let it consume me. There are many times when I get sad over something - usually a trigger of some sort, and I have to just think about something else, turn the radio on...anything to just get it together! And there are those other times when I just let it come over me. I allow my feelings to surface, and I just feel. It's painful, but it's also very cleansing for me. I need that release every now and then.
However, I just praise God that I have the assurance that I will see her again. I have hope. I know that, although my family will always be "Four Plus an Angel" on this earth, we will be perfectly whole - and all together - in heaven.
What if I didn't have that assurance? How do people survive and cope with intense loss without Christ, without salvation, without hope?! Oh my goodness...what a dark, depressing thought.
The sermon at church yesterday was on Christmas and the simplicity of salvation. Without Christ, there is no Christmas! Jesus was born so that he could die for us! He set the standard of perfection. Not that we would try to be perfect, but that we would see that we will NEVER be perfect, and that we need Christ. We need Jesus in our hearts. We need Him in our lives.
Everyone NEEDS to be saved (1 John 1:8).
Everyone CAN be saved (1 John 2:1-2).
Everyone is saved the SAME WAY (1 John 5:13).
Everyone who's saved can KNOW it and be sure (1 John 5:13).
That no matter what we've done, how much guilt we may feel, "...the Lord is so good, so ready to forgive, so full of unfailing love for all who ask for His help!" (Psalm 86:5)
Did you know that you can "believe" with your mind that Jesus Christ was born, lived a perfect life, died on the cross, and rose again, and still not be saved?! You can "believe"(think/agree) that God loves you. But...there's more to salvation than believing with your mind! You must COMMIT to Him! You have to put your TRUST in Him. You have to put your FAITH in Him. You have to have a RELATIONSHIP with Him.
Lord knows that I mess up all the time. I ask for forgiveness and then mess up again. I fail miserably!!! However, I go to Jesus and talk to Him. I feel my conscience (the Holy Spirit) leading me on a daily basis. I recognize that Jesus is my standard, that I will NEVER reach that standard, and that I need Him!!
A one-time prayer won't get you to Heaven if you don't put your trust in Him. Being baptized won't save you! You can dunk youfself in the bathtub at home!! Being "sprinkled" as a baby doesn't save you! You must follow him, trust him, recognize your constant need for Him, and acknowledge that He is Lord.
Isn't that what Christmas is ("should be") all about?! It's not about the presents. It's not about the craziness of shopping and wrapping and cooking and entertaining and eating and visiting - although those things are definitely fun! It's about Jesus! My how we get away from the true meaning of Christmas! I'm as guilty as anyone!
So, I encourage you - just as I encourage myself - to reflect on the true meaning of this season! When you feel overwhelmed with all of the preparation...just stop, be still, and remember that Jesus is all that really matters!
Merry Christmas, friends!!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
My funny boys!
It's been almost a month since I've posted! Gosh, I'm sorry! What can I say??? It's Christmas time, and it's just crazy! Here are some funny pictures of my boys :) Merry Christmas!!
Wrestle Mania with Papaw
And you see who won!!!
The mullet...to cut or not to cut...that is the question!
The boys made a gingerbread man with Grandmommy.
The boys made a gingerbread man with Grandmommy.
One of Jack's latest little tricks...saying "getcha getcha getcha." He thinks he's so funny!!
Wrestle Mania with Papaw
And you see who won!!!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Watoto
It is fitting that tonight, I got to see the Watoto Childrens' Choir from Uganda, Africa perform at a local church. Oh my goodness...my heart is just overflowing!!! I have seen the choir twice before and each time, I seem to forget how wonderful it is! First of all, those kids can DANCE!!! Man, can they dance! They can sing. And they LOVE JESUS more than anything! Plus, they are all orphans who have been "adopted" by the Watoto ministry. Watoto has given them a home, a "family", three hot meals a day, school, medical care, clean clothes...everything they need in order to feel safe and secure. But more importantly, the Watoto ministry has given them hope...hope for today and hope for their future. They have learned that God loves them - if they were abandoned, left for dead, or orphaned by AIDS or war - they know that regardless of all of their pain, God will never leave them and never forsake them, and He loves them!
To see the joy in their eyes - knowing that they have every reason in the world to hang their heads - is so inspiring and humbling. To hear their little voices praise God, to see them dance with sweat dripping from their chins, to see their bright smiles...it makes my heart smile. It makes me realize what it means to truly serve God, to love Him and worship Him, and praise Him with EVERYTHING you are. They do! They realize - more than most of us do - that they owe God everything! Some of these kids were orphaned toddlers on the streets! Some of them were abducted by rebels and forced to kill at an age when most children are playing on a swing set in the back yard! Their stories are incredible, but even though most of our stories are not even close to theirs, we still have our own battles. We still have times when we feel alone, abandoned, neglected, confused. We experience loss and hurt and disappointment.
Watoto has a message for whomever is watching, and that is "because of God, we have HOPE!" There is no problem too big for Him.
I'll admit, I've had a little bit of an emotional day just missing London. We finished decorating for Christmas, hung her sweet ornaments on our tree, hung her pink stocking in the center of the mantle...all of those things. I've just been sad today. So when I saw the video of precious, innocent babies who have been rescued from garbage piles, toilets, and the streets, I just couldn't help but get just mad that my baby died, and I wanted her more than ANYTHING in this world, yet people are just dumping their babies in the trash or flushing them down toilets! It's just so hard to even fathom how that could happen. Okay...off my soapbox now. Anyway, praise God that Watoto is saving these babies and nursing them back to health and allowing them to grow and prosper.
It's sort of like God with us. We are like helpless infants left for dead. If someone doesn't save us, we will surely die...we are hopeless. But just like Watoto, God comes along and rescues us. He cleans us up, nurses us back to health, heals our wounds, eases our pain, and saves us! He gives us hope for our future! Now that is something to be thankful for!
I was also reminded tonight that, in the midst of the childrens' hurt, pain, sadness and grief, they had JOY. They were so thankful, and they were still praising God! How often have I been sad or down, and I have just chosen to have a pity party and sulk and cry and bathe in my misery! It's happened a lot! You know what? Those kids are not having pity parties! They are CHOOSING to have joy, to see the glass half full, to count their blessings. If they can do it, so can I.
So, I am so thankful. I am thankful for my salvation and the assurance that God loves me although I disappoint Him and mess up often! I am thankful that I know that my baby girl is with Him, safe and secure. I am thankful for my precious boys who bring so much love and laughter and joy and happiness to my life. They are my everything! I am thankful for my husband who loves his family and loves the Lord. I am thankful for my church, my job and the children I work with, my wonderful friends and family, and my home. I am thankful that I can get out of bed every morning and be independent and go and do as I please. If you've ever seen the ESPN special on Kyle Maynard (google him and be amazed and inspired), you'll realize what a blessing it is to have arms and legs. I am thankful for little moments like now when I look next to me, and Jagger is asleep on the couch with his little Pirates of the Caribbean pj's on, cuddled in a blanket, and breathing softly.
There is just so much to be thankful for. I could just keep going and going. My point is that it is so easy to point out all that's going wrong. I'm speaking to myself here! It's so easy to focus on the negative - whether it's grief and sadness or spilling your coffee on your shirt! It's easy to point out the bad stuff and to sulk about it. But, it's so much more gratifying and fulfilling to point out the good, the positive, the blessings! After all, they are endless!
I challenge you - just as I challenge myself - to see the good, the positive, the blessings! Let's see the glass half full and have joy in our hearts because God loves us!!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!
** In 2005, my dad, sister, aunt and other church members went to Uganda to build a home for the children in a Watoto village. I know from their experiences how pure and Christ-centered this ministry is, and I encourage you to visit their website at http://www.watoto.com/. Prepare for a blessing!
To see the joy in their eyes - knowing that they have every reason in the world to hang their heads - is so inspiring and humbling. To hear their little voices praise God, to see them dance with sweat dripping from their chins, to see their bright smiles...it makes my heart smile. It makes me realize what it means to truly serve God, to love Him and worship Him, and praise Him with EVERYTHING you are. They do! They realize - more than most of us do - that they owe God everything! Some of these kids were orphaned toddlers on the streets! Some of them were abducted by rebels and forced to kill at an age when most children are playing on a swing set in the back yard! Their stories are incredible, but even though most of our stories are not even close to theirs, we still have our own battles. We still have times when we feel alone, abandoned, neglected, confused. We experience loss and hurt and disappointment.
Watoto has a message for whomever is watching, and that is "because of God, we have HOPE!" There is no problem too big for Him.
I'll admit, I've had a little bit of an emotional day just missing London. We finished decorating for Christmas, hung her sweet ornaments on our tree, hung her pink stocking in the center of the mantle...all of those things. I've just been sad today. So when I saw the video of precious, innocent babies who have been rescued from garbage piles, toilets, and the streets, I just couldn't help but get just mad that my baby died, and I wanted her more than ANYTHING in this world, yet people are just dumping their babies in the trash or flushing them down toilets! It's just so hard to even fathom how that could happen. Okay...off my soapbox now. Anyway, praise God that Watoto is saving these babies and nursing them back to health and allowing them to grow and prosper.
It's sort of like God with us. We are like helpless infants left for dead. If someone doesn't save us, we will surely die...we are hopeless. But just like Watoto, God comes along and rescues us. He cleans us up, nurses us back to health, heals our wounds, eases our pain, and saves us! He gives us hope for our future! Now that is something to be thankful for!
I was also reminded tonight that, in the midst of the childrens' hurt, pain, sadness and grief, they had JOY. They were so thankful, and they were still praising God! How often have I been sad or down, and I have just chosen to have a pity party and sulk and cry and bathe in my misery! It's happened a lot! You know what? Those kids are not having pity parties! They are CHOOSING to have joy, to see the glass half full, to count their blessings. If they can do it, so can I.
So, I am so thankful. I am thankful for my salvation and the assurance that God loves me although I disappoint Him and mess up often! I am thankful that I know that my baby girl is with Him, safe and secure. I am thankful for my precious boys who bring so much love and laughter and joy and happiness to my life. They are my everything! I am thankful for my husband who loves his family and loves the Lord. I am thankful for my church, my job and the children I work with, my wonderful friends and family, and my home. I am thankful that I can get out of bed every morning and be independent and go and do as I please. If you've ever seen the ESPN special on Kyle Maynard (google him and be amazed and inspired), you'll realize what a blessing it is to have arms and legs. I am thankful for little moments like now when I look next to me, and Jagger is asleep on the couch with his little Pirates of the Caribbean pj's on, cuddled in a blanket, and breathing softly.
There is just so much to be thankful for. I could just keep going and going. My point is that it is so easy to point out all that's going wrong. I'm speaking to myself here! It's so easy to focus on the negative - whether it's grief and sadness or spilling your coffee on your shirt! It's easy to point out the bad stuff and to sulk about it. But, it's so much more gratifying and fulfilling to point out the good, the positive, the blessings! After all, they are endless!
I challenge you - just as I challenge myself - to see the good, the positive, the blessings! Let's see the glass half full and have joy in our hearts because God loves us!!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!
** In 2005, my dad, sister, aunt and other church members went to Uganda to build a home for the children in a Watoto village. I know from their experiences how pure and Christ-centered this ministry is, and I encourage you to visit their website at http://www.watoto.com/. Prepare for a blessing!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
My handsome boys!
A few days ago, I made an attempt to get at lease one good picture for Christmas cards. Although it was like herding cattle trying to get them to both look at me, face certain directions, and smile...we luckily got some cute shots! Here are my adorable little boys :)
And, NO, I didn't tell them to do that face! Not sure what they were doing...but isn't it cute?!!!
Should this be a poster for "Brotherly Love" or what?! My sweet boys...
Uhhh, wait a minute. Okay, maybe this would be a more accurate poster for "Brotherly Love". One tormenting the other. Yep, I think this is more accurate!
We went to Jackson's Orchard in Bowling Green, and the Cider Slider was a hit (isn't that a great name?)!! And it was free :) And there were maybe 5 kids there the day we went, so there was NO line! So...free and no line means that Jagger (and Jack and Daddy and Mommy) went down the Cider Slider a BUNCH!!!
Jonathan's hair blowing in the wind. Jack's little mullet blowing in the wind. Life is good!!
Wish we had one in our back yard!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Major progress :)
If you have read very much of my blog, you have seen where I have struggled with facing "baby girl" things. It has been very tough - and at times, impossible - for me to even look at baby girls, hold baby girls, look at baby girl clothes at the store, and buy baby girl gifts. I had to leave my friend's baby shower at school one time because she was having a baby girl and when she started opening up all of the precious little "pink" things, I just couldn't take it. I ran to my classroom and bawled my eyes out. I couldn't visit my best friends for their baby showers, I didn't go to the hospital when their baby girls were born, and I couldn't even go to see their babies for quite a while...and they were my best friends.
You may think that's just ridiculous, and you may be totally right. I will say that I tried, but my emotions just got the best of me back then. I explained my feelings and my struggles to my friends and they were wonderful at understanding and respecting my feelings.
Okay, having said that...yesterday at school, we had a baby shower for two teachers at our school. One teacher is having a baby boy next month, and the other teacher has a 3 month old baby girl. Her husband and baby girl came to the shower, too. Would you believe that I actually was in a store and chose to look at baby girl clothes, choose a precious little outfit for her, and I bought it! And to top it off, I even picked out a pink, "girl" card for her. I actually bought it willingly and without tears! The outfit even said, "Apple of Mommy's Eye", and I didn't even cry!
During the shower, I was totally fine (as I expected) as my one friend opened all of the precious little blue things for her baby boy. Surprisingly enough, I was completely fine as my other friend opened all of the prissy, pink things for her baby girl. I didn't even feel sad. And...I even held her baby girl almost the entire time.
Do you know how big of a deal this is for me? I know, I know...it sounds goofy. It may sound ridiculous. Well, let me just say that this is the second time that I have bought a baby girl outfit in 3 years. For the longest time, I wouldn't even go near the "girl" section in the store, and I would buy a general baby card - definitely not a "little girl" card. I usually bought gift cards so that I wouldn't have to deal with the pain. The hurt was too deep, and it was very hard to have "joy" for someone else who was having a precious little girl.
Again, it wasn't their fault. It was just my grief, and it controlled me for a long time. I feel like I have really accomplished something after enduring the baby shower without sadness or tears. I look back and remember when my friend at school (who lost her baby boy to a heart defect 27 years ago) told me that some day I would be able to to endure the hurt, that it wouldn't be so gut-wrenching, and I would smile again. Back then, I thought it was absolutely impossible. Now, I know she was right. And even more than that, yesterday was just one sign that God truly carries us through our trials, our burdens, our sadness and despair. He pulls us through, and if we stick it out, he allows us to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I know I will have many many many more sad moments when I grieve my London. But...I also know that for the most part, "Weeping has turned to Joy", and for that, I am thankful!!!
You may think that's just ridiculous, and you may be totally right. I will say that I tried, but my emotions just got the best of me back then. I explained my feelings and my struggles to my friends and they were wonderful at understanding and respecting my feelings.
Okay, having said that...yesterday at school, we had a baby shower for two teachers at our school. One teacher is having a baby boy next month, and the other teacher has a 3 month old baby girl. Her husband and baby girl came to the shower, too. Would you believe that I actually was in a store and chose to look at baby girl clothes, choose a precious little outfit for her, and I bought it! And to top it off, I even picked out a pink, "girl" card for her. I actually bought it willingly and without tears! The outfit even said, "Apple of Mommy's Eye", and I didn't even cry!
During the shower, I was totally fine (as I expected) as my one friend opened all of the precious little blue things for her baby boy. Surprisingly enough, I was completely fine as my other friend opened all of the prissy, pink things for her baby girl. I didn't even feel sad. And...I even held her baby girl almost the entire time.
Do you know how big of a deal this is for me? I know, I know...it sounds goofy. It may sound ridiculous. Well, let me just say that this is the second time that I have bought a baby girl outfit in 3 years. For the longest time, I wouldn't even go near the "girl" section in the store, and I would buy a general baby card - definitely not a "little girl" card. I usually bought gift cards so that I wouldn't have to deal with the pain. The hurt was too deep, and it was very hard to have "joy" for someone else who was having a precious little girl.
Again, it wasn't their fault. It was just my grief, and it controlled me for a long time. I feel like I have really accomplished something after enduring the baby shower without sadness or tears. I look back and remember when my friend at school (who lost her baby boy to a heart defect 27 years ago) told me that some day I would be able to to endure the hurt, that it wouldn't be so gut-wrenching, and I would smile again. Back then, I thought it was absolutely impossible. Now, I know she was right. And even more than that, yesterday was just one sign that God truly carries us through our trials, our burdens, our sadness and despair. He pulls us through, and if we stick it out, he allows us to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I know I will have many many many more sad moments when I grieve my London. But...I also know that for the most part, "Weeping has turned to Joy", and for that, I am thankful!!!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Where does London fit in?
First, let me say that I am sorry for neglecting my blog. I think about it every day - how I need to post, how I wish I had something insightful to share. The truth is that when I started this blog, I needed a constant outlet for my grief. I wanted to share my heart with others who may be struggling, too. Don't get me wrong, I still need this outlet for my grief, and writing is so therapeutic for me. However, I do not feel the constant need for journaling and venting like I used to - thank goodness. My bad days are few and far between. I think about London every day, and I have sad moments often, but they are not crippling like they used to be. I can handle them now. On top of that, I am just busy - just as all of you are! Keeping up with my two boys is a full time job. Right now, they're asleep, the house is quiet and still, and I can actually sit and blog! So, I will take advantage - if I don't fall asleep, too!
I love fall. I love the cool air, the gorgeous colors of the changing leaves, I love taking my boys to the pumpkin patch, carving jack-o-lanterns, decorating for Halloween. I love candy corn mixed with peanuts, the smell of harvest candles, our annual trip to Gatlinburg. I love the anticipation of the holidays...Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I love fall!
Fall is also hard for me. As much as I love fall and the holidays, this is also a time when the reality of life without London is so tough. It's tough all the time - any time of the year. But, there's just something about this time of year. It's a time when children are excited, costumes are chosen, candy is eaten :), family is cherished, and we reflect on all that we are thankful for...all that we have, all that God has blessed us with. It hurts when someone is missing during this time. For me, London is missing. I can't help but think...what costume would she wear on Halloween? What would she be saying and doing? How would Thanksgiving be with all three of my children sitting around the table? What would our Santa picture look like, our Christmas Cards, Christmas morning? What would London's jack-o-lantern look like this year (I let Jagger design his own...ha!). Those are some things I think about.
Now, here's where I struggle. Where does London fit in? She's our daughter, she's the boys' sister, she is a part of our family. But...how far do I take it? I totally recognize that it really doesn't matter what other people think as far as how I deal with my grief. My story is my story, and my loss is my loss. However, I become uncomfortable or unsure sometimes about how to appropriately include London without being obsessed with keeping her memory alive or being depressing to others. Let's face it, it's sad to talk about or remind people about my daughter who died. I know that. But, at the same time, it makes me equally sad to pretend that she never existed!
Here are things that would have never crossed my mind - as far as what people go through with grief and loss - before I lost London. When I sign a birthday card, I put "Ashlee, Jonathan, Jagger and Jack". I ALWAYS think about the fact that I should be signing London's name. On our Christmas cards, I struggle with what to put or which pictures to include. Do I include a small picture of London? Or would that be inappropriate or depressing? Do I put "...and our angel London" again under our names, or is that inappropriate? When people ask me about my children who haven't seen me in a while, should I mention London right off the bat or is that a bit forward and depressing for them? When people laugh about Jack's funny disposition and say, "Oh, that's the second child for you...", do I correct them and say that he's the third child? Wouldn't that make them uncomfortable? For me, it makes me uncomfortable to ignore London and overlook the fact that she was/is my second child. Jack is the "youngest" child...not the "second" child.
Having vented and said all of that, I completely - without a doubt - understand why people say and do the things they do. They forget. I forget others' struggles sometimes. That's just how it goes. As much as I know that London is cherished by so many, she is still overlooked. And that's normal. As time passes, memories become faint...that's just the way it is. But...as London's mommy, I still have the desire to share her story. I still have the desire to show her off, to include her in our family. Maybe I'm holding on when I should be letting go a bit. Or maybe I'm just a mommy who loves her daughter more than anything in this world - equally as much as I love my sons - and I just don't want her to be forgotten!
Yesterday, Jonathan carved pumpkins for the boys. They loved getting all the "guts" out - and slinging them on each other, by the way! Jagger designed his jack-o-lantern face, and after they were both finished, we sat them on the front porch for all to see. I - as I usually do - felt like we should've carved a third pumpkin for London. After all, there are 2 pumpkins on the front porch for my boys. Should I carve one for her? Or...again...is that just a bit much? Do I need to move on? I told myself today (as I thought about it) that our jack-o-lanterns represent our boys...the ones who live here and celebrate here, and that the reality is that London is not here. I had to tell myself that I don't need to feel guilty for "leaving London out".
See what I mean? It's a constant struggle, a constant battle for when to include London and when to let her go. After all, she's not being left out of ANYTHING where she's at!! In fact, I'm sure she's in the center of a major celebrations, major holidays, parties, praising, worship, laughter, singing, dancing, playing...you name it! She's in the presence of my Jesus...my savior! And I'm sitting here feeling bad because she doesn't have a jack-0-lantern on our porch! Now that puts it in perspective!
It's hard to separate my human feelings and wants from my spiritual knowledge of how it "really is". I am just thankful that I know how it "really is", and that I have the peace of mind to know that London is absolutely, positively happy in heaven. Peace of mind doesn't take away the hurt, but it gives me hope. It allows my mind to rest and puts my heart at ease.
I ask for your prayers. Although it's been three years and we are doing SO much better now than back then, we still struggle. We still are a family of 4 who should be a family of 5. We still ache for our daughter. I have so many friends who, too, are aching for their precious children whom they've lost. I guess we should celebrate that all of those babies are together in the arms of Jesus. They're all fine, perfectly whole, and having way more fun than they could ever have here! But...we are not with them...and it hurts. Pray for my friends who still struggle. You may not know their names, but God does. Thank you...
For now, I will continue shouting London's name loud and clear as I see fit! I will never cease to share her story and God's incredible mercy and grace upon my life. Although I do not understand His ways, I trust Him and I know He has my daughter safe in His arms.
I love fall. I love the cool air, the gorgeous colors of the changing leaves, I love taking my boys to the pumpkin patch, carving jack-o-lanterns, decorating for Halloween. I love candy corn mixed with peanuts, the smell of harvest candles, our annual trip to Gatlinburg. I love the anticipation of the holidays...Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I love fall!
Fall is also hard for me. As much as I love fall and the holidays, this is also a time when the reality of life without London is so tough. It's tough all the time - any time of the year. But, there's just something about this time of year. It's a time when children are excited, costumes are chosen, candy is eaten :), family is cherished, and we reflect on all that we are thankful for...all that we have, all that God has blessed us with. It hurts when someone is missing during this time. For me, London is missing. I can't help but think...what costume would she wear on Halloween? What would she be saying and doing? How would Thanksgiving be with all three of my children sitting around the table? What would our Santa picture look like, our Christmas Cards, Christmas morning? What would London's jack-o-lantern look like this year (I let Jagger design his own...ha!). Those are some things I think about.
Now, here's where I struggle. Where does London fit in? She's our daughter, she's the boys' sister, she is a part of our family. But...how far do I take it? I totally recognize that it really doesn't matter what other people think as far as how I deal with my grief. My story is my story, and my loss is my loss. However, I become uncomfortable or unsure sometimes about how to appropriately include London without being obsessed with keeping her memory alive or being depressing to others. Let's face it, it's sad to talk about or remind people about my daughter who died. I know that. But, at the same time, it makes me equally sad to pretend that she never existed!
Here are things that would have never crossed my mind - as far as what people go through with grief and loss - before I lost London. When I sign a birthday card, I put "Ashlee, Jonathan, Jagger and Jack". I ALWAYS think about the fact that I should be signing London's name. On our Christmas cards, I struggle with what to put or which pictures to include. Do I include a small picture of London? Or would that be inappropriate or depressing? Do I put "...and our angel London" again under our names, or is that inappropriate? When people ask me about my children who haven't seen me in a while, should I mention London right off the bat or is that a bit forward and depressing for them? When people laugh about Jack's funny disposition and say, "Oh, that's the second child for you...", do I correct them and say that he's the third child? Wouldn't that make them uncomfortable? For me, it makes me uncomfortable to ignore London and overlook the fact that she was/is my second child. Jack is the "youngest" child...not the "second" child.
Having vented and said all of that, I completely - without a doubt - understand why people say and do the things they do. They forget. I forget others' struggles sometimes. That's just how it goes. As much as I know that London is cherished by so many, she is still overlooked. And that's normal. As time passes, memories become faint...that's just the way it is. But...as London's mommy, I still have the desire to share her story. I still have the desire to show her off, to include her in our family. Maybe I'm holding on when I should be letting go a bit. Or maybe I'm just a mommy who loves her daughter more than anything in this world - equally as much as I love my sons - and I just don't want her to be forgotten!
Yesterday, Jonathan carved pumpkins for the boys. They loved getting all the "guts" out - and slinging them on each other, by the way! Jagger designed his jack-o-lantern face, and after they were both finished, we sat them on the front porch for all to see. I - as I usually do - felt like we should've carved a third pumpkin for London. After all, there are 2 pumpkins on the front porch for my boys. Should I carve one for her? Or...again...is that just a bit much? Do I need to move on? I told myself today (as I thought about it) that our jack-o-lanterns represent our boys...the ones who live here and celebrate here, and that the reality is that London is not here. I had to tell myself that I don't need to feel guilty for "leaving London out".
See what I mean? It's a constant struggle, a constant battle for when to include London and when to let her go. After all, she's not being left out of ANYTHING where she's at!! In fact, I'm sure she's in the center of a major celebrations, major holidays, parties, praising, worship, laughter, singing, dancing, playing...you name it! She's in the presence of my Jesus...my savior! And I'm sitting here feeling bad because she doesn't have a jack-0-lantern on our porch! Now that puts it in perspective!
It's hard to separate my human feelings and wants from my spiritual knowledge of how it "really is". I am just thankful that I know how it "really is", and that I have the peace of mind to know that London is absolutely, positively happy in heaven. Peace of mind doesn't take away the hurt, but it gives me hope. It allows my mind to rest and puts my heart at ease.
I ask for your prayers. Although it's been three years and we are doing SO much better now than back then, we still struggle. We still are a family of 4 who should be a family of 5. We still ache for our daughter. I have so many friends who, too, are aching for their precious children whom they've lost. I guess we should celebrate that all of those babies are together in the arms of Jesus. They're all fine, perfectly whole, and having way more fun than they could ever have here! But...we are not with them...and it hurts. Pray for my friends who still struggle. You may not know their names, but God does. Thank you...
For now, I will continue shouting London's name loud and clear as I see fit! I will never cease to share her story and God's incredible mercy and grace upon my life. Although I do not understand His ways, I trust Him and I know He has my daughter safe in His arms.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
I'm so behind!! Catching up...
Jagger in his homemade karate uniform...a pillowcase! He thought he needed to wear it for his party, of course.
Sisters of the bride...
Where are the boys?! I'm totally shocked that we had a picture made without the boys! Reminds me of when we were dating...wow, that's strange!
There they are :) Back to normal...
I am so sorry that it's been nearly a month since I have posted. There are really no new excuses...just the same one...I've been busy! There's rarely ever time to sit down at the computer and just share my heart or my pictures. My little ones demand my attention most of the time!
I am so behind on posting pictures, so here are a few. I will catch up soon, I promise :)
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