Major progress :)

If you have read very much of my blog, you have seen where I have struggled with facing "baby girl" things. It has been very tough - and at times, impossible - for me to even look at baby girls, hold baby girls, look at baby girl clothes at the store, and buy baby girl gifts. I had to leave my friend's baby shower at school one time because she was having a baby girl and when she started opening up all of the precious little "pink" things, I just couldn't take it. I ran to my classroom and bawled my eyes out. I couldn't visit my best friends for their baby showers, I didn't go to the hospital when their baby girls were born, and I couldn't even go to see their babies for quite a while...and they were my best friends.

You may think that's just ridiculous, and you may be totally right. I will say that I tried, but my emotions just got the best of me back then. I explained my feelings and my struggles to my friends and they were wonderful at understanding and respecting my feelings.

Okay, having said that...yesterday at school, we had a baby shower for two teachers at our school. One teacher is having a baby boy next month, and the other teacher has a 3 month old baby girl. Her husband and baby girl came to the shower, too. Would you believe that I actually was in a store and chose to look at baby girl clothes, choose a precious little outfit for her, and I bought it! And to top it off, I even picked out a pink, "girl" card for her. I actually bought it willingly and without tears! The outfit even said, "Apple of Mommy's Eye", and I didn't even cry!

During the shower, I was totally fine (as I expected) as my one friend opened all of the precious little blue things for her baby boy. Surprisingly enough, I was completely fine as my other friend opened all of the prissy, pink things for her baby girl. I didn't even feel sad. And...I even held her baby girl almost the entire time.

Do you know how big of a deal this is for me? I know, I know...it sounds goofy. It may sound ridiculous. Well, let me just say that this is the second time that I have bought a baby girl outfit in 3 years. For the longest time, I wouldn't even go near the "girl" section in the store, and I would buy a general baby card - definitely not a "little girl" card. I usually bought gift cards so that I wouldn't have to deal with the pain. The hurt was too deep, and it was very hard to have "joy" for someone else who was having a precious little girl.

Again, it wasn't their fault. It was just my grief, and it controlled me for a long time. I feel like I have really accomplished something after enduring the baby shower without sadness or tears. I look back and remember when my friend at school (who lost her baby boy to a heart defect 27 years ago) told me that some day I would be able to to endure the hurt, that it wouldn't be so gut-wrenching, and I would smile again. Back then, I thought it was absolutely impossible. Now, I know she was right. And even more than that, yesterday was just one sign that God truly carries us through our trials, our burdens, our sadness and despair. He pulls us through, and if we stick it out, he allows us to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I know I will have many many many more sad moments when I grieve my London. But...I also know that for the most part, "Weeping has turned to Joy", and for that, I am thankful!!!