Where does London fit in?

First, let me say that I am sorry for neglecting my blog. I think about it every day - how I need to post, how I wish I had something insightful to share. The truth is that when I started this blog, I needed a constant outlet for my grief. I wanted to share my heart with others who may be struggling, too. Don't get me wrong, I still need this outlet for my grief, and writing is so therapeutic for me. However, I do not feel the constant need for journaling and venting like I used to - thank goodness. My bad days are few and far between. I think about London every day, and I have sad moments often, but they are not crippling like they used to be. I can handle them now. On top of that, I am just busy - just as all of you are! Keeping up with my two boys is a full time job. Right now, they're asleep, the house is quiet and still, and I can actually sit and blog! So, I will take advantage - if I don't fall asleep, too!

I love fall. I love the cool air, the gorgeous colors of the changing leaves, I love taking my boys to the pumpkin patch, carving jack-o-lanterns, decorating for Halloween. I love candy corn mixed with peanuts, the smell of harvest candles, our annual trip to Gatlinburg. I love the anticipation of the holidays...Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I love fall!

Fall is also hard for me. As much as I love fall and the holidays, this is also a time when the reality of life without London is so tough. It's tough all the time - any time of the year. But, there's just something about this time of year. It's a time when children are excited, costumes are chosen, candy is eaten :), family is cherished, and we reflect on all that we are thankful for...all that we have, all that God has blessed us with. It hurts when someone is missing during this time. For me, London is missing. I can't help but think...what costume would she wear on Halloween? What would she be saying and doing? How would Thanksgiving be with all three of my children sitting around the table? What would our Santa picture look like, our Christmas Cards, Christmas morning? What would London's jack-o-lantern look like this year (I let Jagger design his own...ha!). Those are some things I think about.

Now, here's where I struggle. Where does London fit in? She's our daughter, she's the boys' sister, she is a part of our family. But...how far do I take it? I totally recognize that it really doesn't matter what other people think as far as how I deal with my grief. My story is my story, and my loss is my loss. However, I become uncomfortable or unsure sometimes about how to appropriately include London without being obsessed with keeping her memory alive or being depressing to others. Let's face it, it's sad to talk about or remind people about my daughter who died. I know that. But, at the same time, it makes me equally sad to pretend that she never existed!

Here are things that would have never crossed my mind - as far as what people go through with grief and loss - before I lost London. When I sign a birthday card, I put "Ashlee, Jonathan, Jagger and Jack". I ALWAYS think about the fact that I should be signing London's name. On our Christmas cards, I struggle with what to put or which pictures to include. Do I include a small picture of London? Or would that be inappropriate or depressing? Do I put "...and our angel London" again under our names, or is that inappropriate? When people ask me about my children who haven't seen me in a while, should I mention London right off the bat or is that a bit forward and depressing for them? When people laugh about Jack's funny disposition and say, "Oh, that's the second child for you...", do I correct them and say that he's the third child? Wouldn't that make them uncomfortable? For me, it makes me uncomfortable to ignore London and overlook the fact that she was/is my second child. Jack is the "youngest" child...not the "second" child.

Having vented and said all of that, I completely - without a doubt - understand why people say and do the things they do. They forget. I forget others' struggles sometimes. That's just how it goes. As much as I know that London is cherished by so many, she is still overlooked. And that's normal. As time passes, memories become faint...that's just the way it is. But...as London's mommy, I still have the desire to share her story. I still have the desire to show her off, to include her in our family. Maybe I'm holding on when I should be letting go a bit. Or maybe I'm just a mommy who loves her daughter more than anything in this world - equally as much as I love my sons - and I just don't want her to be forgotten!

Yesterday, Jonathan carved pumpkins for the boys. They loved getting all the "guts" out - and slinging them on each other, by the way! Jagger designed his jack-o-lantern face, and after they were both finished, we sat them on the front porch for all to see. I - as I usually do - felt like we should've carved a third pumpkin for London. After all, there are 2 pumpkins on the front porch for my boys. Should I carve one for her? Or...again...is that just a bit much? Do I need to move on? I told myself today (as I thought about it) that our jack-o-lanterns represent our boys...the ones who live here and celebrate here, and that the reality is that London is not here. I had to tell myself that I don't need to feel guilty for "leaving London out".

See what I mean? It's a constant struggle, a constant battle for when to include London and when to let her go. After all, she's not being left out of ANYTHING where she's at!! In fact, I'm sure she's in the center of a major celebrations, major holidays, parties, praising, worship, laughter, singing, dancing, playing...you name it! She's in the presence of my Jesus...my savior! And I'm sitting here feeling bad because she doesn't have a jack-0-lantern on our porch! Now that puts it in perspective!

It's hard to separate my human feelings and wants from my spiritual knowledge of how it "really is". I am just thankful that I know how it "really is", and that I have the peace of mind to know that London is absolutely, positively happy in heaven. Peace of mind doesn't take away the hurt, but it gives me hope. It allows my mind to rest and puts my heart at ease.

I ask for your prayers. Although it's been three years and we are doing SO much better now than back then, we still struggle. We still are a family of 4 who should be a family of 5. We still ache for our daughter. I have so many friends who, too, are aching for their precious children whom they've lost. I guess we should celebrate that all of those babies are together in the arms of Jesus. They're all fine, perfectly whole, and having way more fun than they could ever have here! But...we are not with them...and it hurts. Pray for my friends who still struggle. You may not know their names, but God does. Thank you...

For now, I will continue shouting London's name loud and clear as I see fit! I will never cease to share her story and God's incredible mercy and grace upon my life. Although I do not understand His ways, I trust Him and I know He has my daughter safe in His arms.