Farmer Jack turns 1!!!

Today, our baby is 1 year old! I can't believe it! God has blessed us tremendously through Jack this past year. The joy and laughter that he has brought us is - well, sort of like a huge drink of water after being stranded in the desert! It's truly hard to explain... We are so thankful for our precious boys.

I picked a "farm" theme for Jack's party this year - mainly because I found the cutest plates and napkins at a party store. But...the farmer role suits him, don't you think?!! These were pre-party pictures.

He was really looking at something here...not sure what :)

Oh my...no words needed :)

Okay, I had to post this one because - although he was so mad - he looked so cute! Jagger was ticked that I put up his "egg-loo" (aka...the 10 blankets, pillows, etc. that were strategically placed in our bedroom as his pretend igloo/tent). I tried to explain that when people come over to our house (for Jack's party) that we needed to straighten up the house and put up his tent. As you can tell, he was not happy about that! Brat!! :)

My friend, Jana, from school made his cake. One for us and a special little one just for him. She did a wonderful job!!

Okay, an open flame near a 1 year old isn't really smart, but he HAD to "blow" out his candle! Aunt Alaena is holding him.

A little confused on what to do!

Still a bit confused :) Loving the attention, though! I wish I had a great one of him covered in cake and icing....but I don't! Leave it to Jack to not have much to do with his cake! He did start grabbing it, but he didn't really want to eat it. He tried to feed Mommy!

Is it Christmas again?!! MORE NOISE MAKERS...AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jack had a wonderful first birthday!! I can only imagine what this next year will have in store for him. There will be lots to learn from his big brother :) He's already catching on to a lot!!

Happy Birthday, Jack!!!

Say Cheese!

I got a new camera this week, and I'm having a blast playing with it. Afton (my 15 yr. old sister) let me take pictures of her. I was totally pretending that I was a big time photographer (although I barely know how to use my camera!) and she was so annoyed! She kept saying, "What do you want me to do??? I look like such a DORK!" Anyway, it was fun, and although I won't share our entire "photo shoot" :), I thought these turned out quite nicely! Afton still thinks she looks like a dork, but that's a 15 year old for you!

A typical little man, huh?! He knows exactly what to do with that remote!

Yes, that's a basket on his head. Well, to him, it was actually some kind of "robot helmet that could turn him into anything he wanted to be." His imagination isn't lacking :)

He's oozing "rotten" in this picture! He got caught going for the trash! And yes, as a matter of fact, that IS a Christmas bib!!! Well, we didn't get out of the house that day, so who cares?!! Oh, I forgot to mention that we've been off of school for 3 days this week and 3 days last week for snow! I will really be put out when I have to work an entire 5-day week! We did work today, but MAN am I glad tomorrow's Friday!!! Ha ha ha

You know you're a mom when...

You know you're a mom when...

Or should I say, you know you're way more concerned with convenience than vanity when...

You actually WANT a VAN!!!! Yes, I have to admit that for the past year, I have been wishing and hoping for a van! I want to be spoiled with doors that magically open for me when I have an armload of little boys or groceries! I want my children to be entertained while we drive. And, ultimately, I want to be able to get them in and out of their car seats without throwing my back out or feeling like I've wrestled a bull in a tiny closet!!!

So...it's official! I am a VAN MOM!!! And I LOVE it!!

In fact, Jagger loves it more than I do. He threw a crying fit to stay in the van and watch his Scooby Doo movie the first night we got it! Jonathan, on the other hand, is still clinging to his youth (although he'll be 35 in a few months) and isn't real keen on the idea...yet! That'll change when we go on a long trip! But...Jonathan emailed me and several friends and family yesterday saying that this was his "new look".

Wow...

Well, he's not the only one giving me grief! Other family and friends had a blast sending me pictures of my "new look". The first one was from my uncle Tommy whose email said "Ashlee taking Jagger and Jack to school!" What makes this picture so awesome is that my mom had a van that looked JUST like this when we were little, and she drove it so long that we ended up calling it the "lawnmower van" because it sounded like one and it would smoke like crazy!!! I'm laughing just thinking about it! Here you go...

Then, my sister Alaena replied to that email with this one! It leaves me speechless!!

The more you look, the more you see! Yes, they're driving from up there :)

Well, mine isn't quite that exciting, but here is a picture of my cool ride - ha ha!

Jagger - dirty face and all - watching Scooby Doo in the van :)

Never a dull moment...

Uh, yeah...Jagger just walked in here and said in a very excited voice, "Look Mommy! Look at my face! It's a mustache and a beard! Isn't it GREAT?!"
Oh...I should've reprimanded him, but I took a picture instead and told him I liked it. It's just not worth it! It'll wash... I did demonstrate some responsibility as a parent and told him not to draw any more on his face. He just told me that he just wants to look like Daddy. Umm, I need to talk to Jonathan about that!


The view from the back of Daddy's truck. As you can see, we just give Jack whatever will keep him from throwing a fit! I think he has a binder clip. Boy, I'm really proving myself as a really "strict" parent, huh?!


That's just sweet...

Jagger and his cousin, Jett, had a blast in Jett's new truck! It even has a real radio in it! And I thought my Big Wheel was awesome when I was their age!

Jagger, my little comedian, thought his pretzels (or "princels" as he calls them) made great teeth!

We put Jagger's new corn hole boards together tonight. He loved it - until Jack took over. That's Jack's new thing - wanting whatever his big brother has!

Can you tell Jagger is pouting? We decided to kiss the Gingerbread House goodbye tonight, and Jagger wasn't happy about the idea. I mean, it is January 26 - I think it's time! He said, "Well, I'm never ever going to be happy ever again!!" Well, he meant it...for about 2 minutes! He would keep it on the counter all year if I let him.

Facing our Battles

God does not want us to live in fear. He does not want us to worry - in fact that's a sin. Okay, then, why am I so terrible about living in fear and worrying about things? I have struggled my whole life at letting irrational fears creep into my mind, letting them manifest until I am just sick with fear and worry. I hate it, and I try my best to control it, but sometimes it gets the best of me. For instance, if Jonathan leaves the house to run errands, and 5 minutes later, I hear an ambulance...then my mind will automatically fear that Jonathan has been in a wreck. Then...if I call him on his cell phone and he doesn't answer, oh my...I start to panic that he's too hurt to answer and it's bad... See what I mean? That's just one example, and it's ridiculous, I know.

I just have this control issue, I guess, and it's tough to sort of be a control freak when so much of life - well most things in life - are out of my control. Today, I got very sad news that one of my high school friends, Jake, who suffered from cancer for nearly 3 years, passed away. Yesterday, I got an email that another friend from high school (Stephanie) - who is 3 years younger than me - has been diagnosed with a brain tumor and has been given only 18 months to live. Then, this morning, mom told me about another young woman (about my age) in our community that died of cancer.

Okay...so how do I hear these things, especially about people who are "my age" and go on about my life without worrying and fearing that it will happen to me?! If I get a headache, will I automatically worry that it's a brain tumor? Probably! Oh, it's such a struggle when you are an anxious person.

Jonathan's dad (Clifton), who is a Baptist preacher, visited us yesterday, and as I talked to him about my sadness (about my friends) and my own struggles with worry and fear, he reminded me of a few things. He reminded me that we are each "appointed" a time to live and a time to die, and that we have no control over when that time will come for us. God already knows, and we must find peace in that. We can't spend every waking minute worrying about things that may not even happen. Clifton was diagnosed with a brain tumor and was given 3 to 6 months to live, had brain surgery, and had been given no hope from his doctors.......22 years ago this month!

Through Clifton's story, I am reminded that God indeed does have a plan for us; that He is the ultimate physician; that if He's not ready for us, no diagnosis can take us. I am also reminded that worry and fear are of the devil! They are feelings that only SATAN can give! They are not of God. The Bible says that "God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, love and a sound mind." So, when I feel anxious and fearful, it's obviously just the devil getting me right in my weak spot! Do you have a weak spot, too? I pray that God will help me to overcome Satan and his mission to destroy my spirit through fear and worry!

For my friend, Jake, his fight is over. Cancer took his life, but I pray that God took his soul. For Stephanie, she has been given little hope, but I know - from my own father in law - that grim outcomes can change.

So, will you do me a favor and please pray for Jake's family - that they will have peace and comfort during this time of grief; and pray for Stephanie and her family as they deal with this horrible diagnosis - that God would heal her body, and that she and her family would also find peace and comfort and hope in the midst of this?

I experienced one of life's dreaded tragedies when I lost London. People all around us are experiencing tragedies, too. When we feel helpless in so many ways, we can pray. Sometimes that's about all we can do, but I am so thankful that it's that easy. God is always there - ready and waiting.

Lately...

We got our first snow last week, and Jagger was playing in it at 8:30 in the morning! You can't play in the snow without making snow angels!

After about 30 minutes, he was ready to come in. Here in Kentucky, we get out of school when they even "talk" about snow! We enjoyed a 4 day weekend, though :) I know we'll have to make it up, but I'm still like a kid when I see that school is closed! I love it!

Jagger is always saying something that just cracks us up. As many of you know, Jonathan and I renovated a 135 year old home 5 years ago. No matter how many updates we've done, it's still an old home, and it's hard to get it nice and cozy when it's 10 degrees outside! So...I was complaining about how cold the house felt, and Jagger heard me. He leaned up against the wall with his arms crossed and a confused look on his face. Then, he proceeds to ask me, "Well, Mommy, just how'd we get this piece-a-junk we're in anyway?" Ummm, yes, he called our house a piece of junk, but it was hilarious. Jonathan, in the midst of his frustration (because a water line froze on our dishwasher) said, "Well, you know it's bad when a 4 year old calls it a piece of junk!" Oh...he keeps us laughing. When I tried to defend our old home to him, Jagger said, "I called it a piece a junk because it's old, and you know, sometimes old things are pieces a junk..." He can talk his way out of anything, I'm afraid.


Here's our "old piece-a-junk"!!

Just as Jagger constantly cracks me up with his funny sayings, he's an extremely kind and sweet child and says things to melt my heart. Yesterday, he and Jack had to go to the doctor - Jagger has strep, and Jack has a double ear infection (needless to say, I'm home today). Anyway, he got a sticker from the doctor. When we got home, he was playing and randomly grabbed my arm and said, "Here, Mommy. I want London to have my sticker. You know, she loves stickers and I think she's smiling because I gave her a sticker!" Little moments like that do several things...they make my eyes fill with tears, they make me smile because her big brother wants to make her smile, and it makes me thankful that London is being remembered by her brother - even in random, insignificant moments. It was a small thing, but had a big impact on my heart.

"New" (old) picture

Well, I'd be lying if I said that I don't often think about the fact that I can't share "new" pictures of my baby girl with you. I mean, I constantly share pictures of my boys. You see how they're growing and changing. You see their funny faces, mad faces, happy faces - well...you see that I constantly keep a camera in my hand :) I'm on a mission to capture every moment, every funny saying, every milestone...everything!

As I was downloading some of our Christmas pictures this past week, I revisited all of London's pictures. Some of them I see all the time. But there are many that I haven't really looked at in a while. What I've noticed is that her pictures bring about new feelings, new emotions as time passes. They used to be too painful to look at. I would sit and sob as I stared at them, and I would have to prepare myself to even look at them. Now, it's still terribly hard to look at them - to revisit that moment in time - and to be reminded of my precious, perfect little girl who was only with me for 2 days. I seriously don't know when that will ever "not" hurt. How could it not hurt? It's a part of me now. As much as I would love to not have the hurt, I kind of want it because it keeps London "real" to me and here with me. Clear as mud, right? That's grief for you.

This picture was one that hurt when I really looked at it. First of all, it shows her precious chubby cheeks, her beautifully colored skin, the dainty hair bow that she wore, the dress that I, too, wore when my mom and dad brought me home from the hospital, and the fact that she looks so much like her brothers. On the other hand, this picture hurt me when I saw it again because I could see the reminders that she had a condition that was incompatible with life. I could see the monitors, the wires, the unnatural things that make Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome so real to me. I see her little hand taped to the splint. I notice the pink arm band that covered her pick line. Her little hand looks so uncomfortable, yet I stare at it to see if her hands look like her brothers - or if they, by chance, could have looked like mine. Those things hurt.

As I share this "new" (old) picture with you, I realize that London is still a newborn - although it's been nearly 2 1/2 years ago. I realize that she is in the same dress as the other pictures of her - because that's the only outfit she ever wore. I realize that my pictures of London do not show her growing and changing, doing funny things, making sad/mad/happy faces like my boys. I realize these things...but, she's my baby. She's my princess, and as I edited this picture and zoomed in on her precious face, I just couldn't help but show her off.

As I share these feelings, this thought comes to mind, and as tough as it is to admit, it's true: "Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." I would go through it over and over again to experience the love I felt and continue to feel for my baby girl.





"Every good and perfect gift is from above..." (James 1:17)

Christmas

Well, we survived Christmas. We had a good Christmas. Every year, I say that I'm going to simplify Christmas and really focus on the true "reason for the season". We did try to simplify this year, but it was still crazy. I was still worried about gifts, shopping last minute - doing all the things I said I wouldn't do. That's the nature of it, I guess. Jack's first Christmas was sweet. He loved all the lights, and he's having fun with the tons of noise makers that he got! Jagger was totally into Santa this year. It was fun to watch! Plus, he's very dramatic and animated...not sure where he gets that!! :) Here are some pictures of our Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.


Brotherly love - Christmas Eve


Mimi and Poppy got Jagger the GI Joe Headquarters. It's like a huge ship that's in a million pieces! And where is that going to go??? I think there's a free space in the middle of the disastrous play room floor!


Grandmommy and Papaw got Jagger this trampoline. He LOVES it! We love it, too, considering he can get all his energy out while being contained in a little "cage" - ha ha! It's still at their house. Where in the world is it going to go in our house?!!!!!! The play room is full!

Jagger thought Santa would like chocolate covered pretzels and peanut butter balls instead of cookies! Needless to say, Santa ate it all and wished there were more peanut butter balls :)

This Star Wars Light Saber is just one of the many light-up noise-makers that filled our home on Christmas morning!

This is Jack's main present from Santa. Jagger "helped" him open all of his gifts. Jack actually wanted to eat the wrapping paper instead of ripping it!

Our favorite Christmas movie is A Christmas Story. I think we watched it about 10 times in one day...it was on for 24 hours on Christmas! Anyway, Mom bought all the guys Red Ryder BB guns! They were more excited about them than anything else! Jagger's is "pretend", by the way.

Mom is so diligent in keeping London's grave decorated for the seasons. I am thankful for that. As hard as it was without London - again - this Christmas, I couldn't help but think that as wonderful as we think Christmas is here, imagine what London is experiencing in heaven - in the presence of our savior! I have to remind myself every now and then that heaven is REAL...it's not make believe or imaginary. It's a real place, and I know - without a doubt - that she's there. I love the promise of this verse - "However, as it is written: no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him." (1 Corinthians 2:9). We just have no idea how wonderful heaven will be! As much as I miss London, I cannot imagine grieving her without hope of seeing her again. I am so thankful that - although my pain is great - this is not the end. I will see her again!