Pictures

Grandmommy and Jack

Jack got his first tooth this week - on the bottom! Thank goodness for teething rings :)

Jonathan driving a race car "go-cart"...that's just funny.

Did I ever tell you that Jagger loves mud?!

And his cowboy boots... :)

To be held...

It's amazing to me how God can speak when I least expect it. Today, I bought a Natalie Grant CD because I absolutely love the song "Held". Before today, I didn't know the words of the verses, and I only knew a few words in the chorus, but I loved the melody. I'm queen of making up random words if I don't know a song just so I can sing along!! Sad, I know.

In the car today, I pulled out the book inside the CD case and found the words to the song, and I began to sing with Natalie (while Jonathan drove, of course...I wouldn't read and drive!!). I was excited to finally get to sing the right words, but I had no idea that God would speak to me in such an amazing way as I read - for the first time - the words of the song. I was in shock to find that the song is about a mother losing her child because he couldn't be healed, how bitterness and hatred can creep in when we experience the "nightmares" of life, how it's not fair, but that God holds us and helps us to survive. It also speaks of our impatience to finally see our savior in heaven...when all of these nightmares will be over and our suffering will be no more. What a song!! I think the message of this song can speak to anyone about any hardship, so I've found the song and if you're up to hearing it, click on the title of this post, then click on "Held". Also, I've attached the words because they're beautiful. God is so good at reminding me of his love when I need it most :)

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing

To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

There's a first time for everything!

I just couldn't help myself! Right after we left church today, we stopped at a red light, and Jonathan said to me, "Ummm, what's WRONG with this picture?" I didn't really know what he was talking about, BUT THEN...here is what I saw! I wasn't sure how to react, but I admit that I just busted out laughing!

Uhh, yes... you are looking at a couple out on a leisurely Sunday drive on their 3-wheel motorcycle - with 2 big exhaust pipes - hauling a CASKET on a trailer!!!!! Come on...tell me that's not funny!!! I'm assuming the casket was empty - let's hope so :)

Boys will be boys :)

Jack is almost 6 months old! I can't believe it!


There's just something about boys and mud!


I mean, doesn't that just look FUN?!!



Okay, so maybe Papaw was being a bit dramatic, but Jagger loved pushing him from behind!!



Jagger and Jack went blackberry picking with Grandmommy :)


Happy Birthday, Alaena! We got some of mom's Hummingbird cake for the special occasion...yummm!!

We've come a long way

Well, another school year has begun and I survived our first three days! It was WILD! I miss getting up and drinking coffee in my pj's, but I love my job and the people I work with, so it'll be okay :) I know, those of you who get one or two weeks of vacation a year want to knock me out right now, right? I mean, we teachers do get about 12 weeks of vacation a year!!! Sorry!


Anyway, I was reading some of my journal entries from last August this week, and it's amazing to me how my life has changed - and improved - since one year ago. Last August, I was nearly 3 months pregnant, and we were filled with so many different emotions. As thankful and excited as we were to be having another baby, our fears of losing another baby were all too great. Satan had a full time job trying to scare me, make me think of all the hundreds of things that could be wrong with my third child, trying to convince me that, maybe for some reason, we didn't deserve to be happy again - that we were surely doomed!

One thing I learned last year at this time was that the same God who had taken London "home" after just 2 short days was the God whom we trusted to deliver us from our pain and suffering. If you've kept up with my blog, you've seen where I admitted that I was angry with God for a while. I was bitter that, in a nutshell, I didn't get my way with him. However, I learned that some things are just not for us to understand. Period. So, like children get upset with their parents - asking "why", pouting a little, crying, getting angry, etc. - I was like that with God. But, also, just as children eventually get over it, curl up in their parents' laps after being upset, and recognize that they still love them and need them, I too came running back to God, falling at his feet and trusting him, once again, with everything I had.

I just wanted this baby to be okay. I wanted to be happy again. I wanted Jagger to be a big brother - other than just helping clean his little sister's monument. I wanted to experience being a mommy to a newborn, since all of those responsibilities that I prepared for with London were stripped from me. I HAD to trust in God. After losing London, I realized that percentages didn't matter; people's opinions didn't matter...what was meant to happen was going to happen, regardless. To allow myself to be vulnerable again was so hard.

Even after so much worry, God blessed us over and over. First, we saw the little heartbeat inside of a butter bean, and we felt relief! I got to the 12 week mark, and we felt more relief. At 14 weeks, we saw a clear picture of a 4-chambered heart and a clear picture that we were having a little boy! Words can barely describe the relief we felt that day!! Still, I worried about other things that could go wrong. But...at the 20 week ultrasound, we saw that our Jack was completely healthy, and oh how we praised God!! Still, I worried about the rest of my pregnancy. But, on February 22, we finally welcomed our third miracle!! And...everything was fine, and believe it or not, it's still fine!

So many things that we hoped and prayed for last August have come to be, and we do have renewed joy and happiness with Jack in our lives. I am no longer drowning in my grief, gasping for air. Instead, I would say I'm wading in my grief. It's still there, but it's not nearly as debilitating as it once was. Every now and then, a huge wave of grief will hit me and make me stumble, but I can get up much faster now and continue on my way. As much as I wish that London were here and that none of this hurt ever occurred, I find myself growing to appreciate my grief. Sounds weird, huh? What I mean is that with every month, day, year that passes - and as those memories of me holding my baby become more and more distant - my grief keeps her close to my heart. It reminds me of one of the greatest gifts that God has ever given me.

There are blessings in every curse. Your "curse" may be losing a loved one, divorce, losing a job, losing your home...whatever...but know that if you trust in God, he will pull you through. It doesn't mean it will remotely be easy. Let's face it, you may not have ever chosen your situation (Lord knows I didn't), but you've been put there for a reason. How will you handle it? How can you use it to help others? Through losing London, I have been blessed beyond measure. I've met wonderful friends whom I never would have met. I've learned to appreciate things like I never have before, and I don't take anything for granted.

One of my favorite Bible verses that helped me during my time of such uncertainty is Jeremiah 29:11. It says, "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil. Plans to give you a future and a hope." I still trust in this verse and have faith that it is true for me and my family.

Pictures from July

Jagger is finally sleeping in his big boy "Spiderman" bed every night! We're so excited! I know, I know...he's almost 4!

Jonathan's parents, Mimi and Poppy, visited from Florida, and the boys were so glad to see them!

Jack didn't like Granddad's song!

First of all, it's amazing how cowboy boots "go" with every outfit! Jagger's favorite spot in Grandmother and Granddad's house is in Granddad's massage chair with the neck massager, too!

Yesterday was rough...

Before I tell about my day yesterday, I'll begin by saying that Jack had his 4 month check-up on Friday, and everything looks "perfect"! As I've mentioned before, that is just so nice to hear! He weighed 14 pounds, 15 ounces (50th percentile) and was 26 inches long (75th percentile). I would have never guessed that he was actually longer than he is chubby! He got 3 shots, so that's not fun, but he's doing great.

Another thing that happened yesterday was when Jagger was watching cartoons, an Assurant Health commercial came on. It always comes on when he watches this particular channel, so I guess he's heard it a million times. Anyway, I was sitting there with him, and he looked up during the commercial and said, "Mommy, we need Assurant Health." Well, I explained that we have insurance, and it helps us to pay the doctors and for our medicine, etc. By this time, the commercial was over and cartoons were back on. About a minute later, Jagger looked up at me and very seriously said, "Mommy, I know you can't see it or touch it, but you know you need Assurant Health to protect you and your family." As you can imagine, I just sat there with my jaw to the floor and then just cracked up! He had memorized an insurance commercial! Okay, I should get the point that he probably watches too much TV!!! It was great, though :)

Now, I have to share about my day yesterday. It was rough. It started off fine. We watched cartoons, I drank my coffee, played with the boys...our normal morning routine. Then, on one of Jagger's cartoons, a birthday song came on. So, Jagger and I began talking about his birthday. It's September 7, and it's like I couldn't believe that it's only 2 months away. My baby will be 4 in just 2 months! That is crazy. Where has the time gone? So, I pondered that thought for a moment, and then it hit me. Just as I'm amazed that Jagger will be four, I realized that in just 2 months (Sept. 11), London would be 2. She would already be 2 years old! How can that be? I remember Jagger's 2nd birthday. It was like a family reunion and Christmas all at the same time...tons of people, and tons of presents! He was wild on his 2nd birthday...got into the cake way before we cut it, loved playing with his friends, wore his new Spiderman snow boots with his Spiderman shorts and tank top (hey, it went together!), and he had so much fun. So, here we are...just 2 short months before London would be 2. What would she be doing? What would we choose this year for her party theme? She would be talking up a storm now. What would her voice sound like, her laugh, her cry? What would her personality be like? Would she be shy and calm or would she be miss bossy pants - bossing her brothers and ruling the roost? I can imagine her as the latter of the two! I can see her trying to hold Jack (probably by his neck), give him a bottle, probably taking toys away from Jagger, loving make-up, dolls, dresses, Mommy's high heels, tea parties, playing dress-up, helping Mommy cook,...all of those girly things that are just a normal part of a little girl's life.

All I can do is imagine...

I was emotional. As I let my emotions run free for a while, I began to think about the very last moment I had with London. We were standing by her little bed in the hallway with the operating room door in sight. The nurses told us to kiss her and tell her bye, and we would see her after surgery. So, I leaned over her little bed, and whispered to my baby girl, "I love you London. Be a strong girl, and mommy will see you after surgery. You're going to be okay, baby. They'll take good care of you." My tears were falling on her cheek, but she didn't care. I kissed her sweet face, and rubbed her little chest - wires and all - and had to eventually back away as they wheeled her into the operating room. Why would I think of that moment? I guess because it's the last time I saw her. I didn't have a clue that it would be the last sight of my baby - this side of heaven. I guess I'm glad I didn't know.

For 22 months, London's things (as I've mentioned before) have been in my brother-in-law's parents' basement. They've been so gracious to store it there for us. However, it's not their place to keep it there forever, so I've been wanting to move it to my parents' house (we don't have a basement right now). I've see her things once in these 22 months - just one time...and it wasn't easy. Yesterday, Alaena and Bryan got all of London's things from Bryan's parents' house and brought them to Mom and Dad's. Afton, Jagger and I had gone to town to run some errands, and their intentions were to load everything before we got back. Well, we returned a little sooner than they planned. I knew they might get everything yesterday, and I had even offered to help, but Alaena insisted that I let them do it. So, last night, as I sat on the back patio, I saw Bryan's truck pull up with a load of precious white furniture in the back. My heart sank, and my emotions began to overflow again. All I could think about was that all of her precious things were being moved to another basement...just to sit there again for who knows how long. They weren't being delivered to a new room, or a new house. They were just being moved to store away again...to hide. Anyway, Alaena came over and apologized that they didn't have it moved already, and she told me to just sit there and let them handle it. She was very considerate of my emotions...and she knew I was having "one of those days". I couldn't see much from where I was sitting, but I did glance inside once and noticed my dad carrying the brand new white glider with the pink cushion. All I could do was just hang my head and weep. I never got to hold London and rock her in that chair. It wasn't even broken in. Broken, though, is what I am...I reflect on my broken heart, my broken dreams, and it hurts. I guess I get used to the pain at times, but I'm still broken.

After they moved everything in, Dad came outside - shirt wet with sweat from moving her things. He just came over and hugged me, and I broke down once again. He told me how it made him sad, too, and that he was sorry. As I just vented and bawled my eyes out to him, I remember saying how sometimes it's just so raw and painful that I wish I could escape my own skin. It's almost like I get a huge sense of panic at times that she's gone...forever...and I will NEVER see her again in this life. It's too much to handle at times.

Dad went on to share with me that a customer that he had yesterday (Dad owns a car lot) noticed his pictures all around his desk, and asked him how many grandchildren he had. Dad told him 3, but shared that he lost his granddaughter because she had a heart defect and didn't survive her surgery. Much to dad's surprise, this man looked at him and said, "Steve, I know exactly how you feel. I lost my granddaughter, too, when she was 4 years old. She had a heart defect and didn't survive her 3rd surgery." His granddaughter had a different heart defect, but they went on to discuss their hurt and their losses...and who would have thought that this man would have "been there" too. You just never know what some people have been through.

I told Dad, though, that I appreciate him saying that he has 3 grandchildren. People mean well...I totally believe that...but I've heard several times (especially since Jack has been born) that he is my second child. That hurts because he is not my second child. He is my third. Remember, there were those 9 months in between my two boys that I carried my little girl. I had 4 months of sickness with her. I felt her kick and move and tumble inside my belly. I had ultrasounds, echocardiograms, doctor visit after doctor visit for her. We traveled 2 hours away to get the best care for her. We had 2 baby showers for her. I prepared a room for her, bought her clothes, blankets, hair bows and toys. We held her, heard her cry, sang to her, prayed over her, talked to her...remember? She was real. She was my second child. Her existence was short, but it was real. She deserves to be remembered.

My life is good. I am blessed with 2 precious, healthy and very lively boys and a wonderful, loving husband. They make me smile and bring so much joy to my life. I recognize the blessing that they are to me. However, I am scarred and always will be. I miss my baby girl. I am sad...

It's been a while :)

Jagger getting ready for bath time...with an arm-load of toys.

Jack's first time trying cereal.

Jagger and Daddy love exploring the farm at Grandmother and Granddad's house.

Grandmother and Granddad with the boys.

This outfit was picture-worthy!

Well, if there's one thing that's true about summer break, it's that I haven't made much time for checking email or blogging! I've neglected to post pictures or entries lately...sorry! So, here are some recent pictures of the boys. Also, if you click on the title of this link, you can see video of Jack's first time trying rice cereal :) Jack is doing great and getting so big. Jagger continues to crack us up daily and amazes me with his hilarious sayings. For instance, the other day he said, "Oh, I can't find a man that's more impressive. Mommy, that means more awesome." He was upset that he couldn't find a cool superhero man in his messy playroom.

Things have been going pretty well. I've had a couple of rough days here and there. Just a couple of nights ago, for example, Jagger was saying a prayer before he ate his dinner. He said, "Dear God, thank you for this food, and thank you for baby London and that she's in Heaven, and thank you for baby Jack. Amen." This just caught me off guard and sparked a grief moment. It was just a sharp reminder that London is on Jagger's mind more than I know. Another thing he mentioned the other day was that he wanted to see baby London big. He asked if we will ever get to see her big. Of course, I had to explain that we would not get to see her big. He then asked if she was getting big in Heaven. As he continued to ask questions, my emotions got the best of me. Moments like that are so difficult. Holidays are a bit tough, too. The 4th of July definitely doesn't have the same affect on me as Christmas or Thanksgiving, but there's something about fireworks that is just magical to children. Their eyes just light up, and they get so excited to see the beautiful fireworks light up the sky. As Jagger had a blast enjoying the fireworks yesterday, I couldn't help but imagine what London would think of them. She would be at an age where she would certainly be amazed by them. Moments like that are simple, but they're a grim reminder that I will never witness her precious face enjoying moments like that. That's very hard to accept sometimes. At the same time, I realize that I am blessed to see Jagger and Jack's sweet faces daily, and for that I am so thankful.

Blessings!

"Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress." Psalm 107:6

How comforting to know that we can cry out to the Lord in our times of trouble, and he is able to deliver us from our distress. I know first hand, as you do also, that he does not always deliver us from our distresses in the way that we would like. However, he is always there with us as we go through the storms of this life.

But...what about those times when God's plan is totally in tune with our plan? It's an incredible feeling when a prayer is answered the way that we had hoped for. I guess part of the satisfaction is because we're human and selfish! God knows that, though, and it's just awesome when you truly pray for something and God answers the prayer the way we want. Well, that happened today!

If you've read my recent posts, you saw where my great friends, Ginny and Robbie, were being faced with yet another huge storm. Robbie was diagnosed with cancer. From all of the scans, they had decided that it was Hodgkin's Lymphoma. However, they wanted to get a better sample for a biopsy. Last week when Robbie had the biopsy, the surgeon told them that it actually didn't look like cancer to him - that perhaps it was just scar tissue from a previous infection. As you can imagine, they were relieved to an extent, but still nervous awaiting the official test results. Today, Ginny called me and said that they got the results from the biopsy, and it is NOT cancer!!! Praise God!! She had such relief in her voice, and now just wants her life back. As I mentioned previously, Ginny lost a baby last year, was on bed rest this entire pregnancy, lost her father the week before her new baby boy was born, and then her husband was basically diagnosed with cancer. It has been quite a treacherous ride for them, and now they look forward to enjoying every moment with Maddox (their baby) and each other. Thank you so much for those of you who prayed for Robbie. Maybe it was a misdiagnosis...or maybe God answered our prayers and truly performed a miracle. Either way, PRAISE GOD!!!

Hard times truly make us appreciate the little things. They make us enjoy each moment with those we love and not take anything for granted. I guess most of us would say that we wish there were no hardships in this life (wouldn't that be nice!), but if that were the case, then how would we truly ever learn the magnitude of God's power and his blessings? Don't get me wrong, I'd like to think that losing my baby is enough hurt for one lifetime for me. It would be nice to know that I'll never hurt again, but that's not how it works - unfortunately. After all, our sufferings bring us closer to God.

So, for today, I say rejoice in the good news and the blessings that God gives us. It doesn't have to be a pardon from a serious illness. Sometimes its as simple as being able to get out of the bed, hug the people you love, and simply live life. That is a blessing!

Oh...one more blessing is that Jonathan and I celebrated our 6th anniversary on Sunday! He didn't get all of the attention on Father's Day!! He had to share the day with me...poor thing :)

New random pictures :)

Happy 1st Birthday Connor! This is my cousin Brian's little boy, and we celebrated his first birthday last week. How precious is he?!


Jonathan and Jack


Happy 73rd Birthday, Uncle Walt!! This is my mom and aunt Cely with Uncle Walt, my late grandfather's only living brother. He's wonderful and hilarious!

Jagger, Bella, Reese, and Addie at Dora Live in Louisville. They had a blast, and Diego was even there! Jagger was excited.

Jack's first time in his exersaucer (is that how you spell that?). He was a little wobbly, but he liked it...well, he liked it for about 2 minutes!

Me and Jagger at Dora Live. I think Jagger was tired of smiling...what do you think?!

Jack...is he cute or what? Oh, he's so rotten!