Yesterday was rough...

Before I tell about my day yesterday, I'll begin by saying that Jack had his 4 month check-up on Friday, and everything looks "perfect"! As I've mentioned before, that is just so nice to hear! He weighed 14 pounds, 15 ounces (50th percentile) and was 26 inches long (75th percentile). I would have never guessed that he was actually longer than he is chubby! He got 3 shots, so that's not fun, but he's doing great.

Another thing that happened yesterday was when Jagger was watching cartoons, an Assurant Health commercial came on. It always comes on when he watches this particular channel, so I guess he's heard it a million times. Anyway, I was sitting there with him, and he looked up during the commercial and said, "Mommy, we need Assurant Health." Well, I explained that we have insurance, and it helps us to pay the doctors and for our medicine, etc. By this time, the commercial was over and cartoons were back on. About a minute later, Jagger looked up at me and very seriously said, "Mommy, I know you can't see it or touch it, but you know you need Assurant Health to protect you and your family." As you can imagine, I just sat there with my jaw to the floor and then just cracked up! He had memorized an insurance commercial! Okay, I should get the point that he probably watches too much TV!!! It was great, though :)

Now, I have to share about my day yesterday. It was rough. It started off fine. We watched cartoons, I drank my coffee, played with the boys...our normal morning routine. Then, on one of Jagger's cartoons, a birthday song came on. So, Jagger and I began talking about his birthday. It's September 7, and it's like I couldn't believe that it's only 2 months away. My baby will be 4 in just 2 months! That is crazy. Where has the time gone? So, I pondered that thought for a moment, and then it hit me. Just as I'm amazed that Jagger will be four, I realized that in just 2 months (Sept. 11), London would be 2. She would already be 2 years old! How can that be? I remember Jagger's 2nd birthday. It was like a family reunion and Christmas all at the same time...tons of people, and tons of presents! He was wild on his 2nd birthday...got into the cake way before we cut it, loved playing with his friends, wore his new Spiderman snow boots with his Spiderman shorts and tank top (hey, it went together!), and he had so much fun. So, here we are...just 2 short months before London would be 2. What would she be doing? What would we choose this year for her party theme? She would be talking up a storm now. What would her voice sound like, her laugh, her cry? What would her personality be like? Would she be shy and calm or would she be miss bossy pants - bossing her brothers and ruling the roost? I can imagine her as the latter of the two! I can see her trying to hold Jack (probably by his neck), give him a bottle, probably taking toys away from Jagger, loving make-up, dolls, dresses, Mommy's high heels, tea parties, playing dress-up, helping Mommy cook,...all of those girly things that are just a normal part of a little girl's life.

All I can do is imagine...

I was emotional. As I let my emotions run free for a while, I began to think about the very last moment I had with London. We were standing by her little bed in the hallway with the operating room door in sight. The nurses told us to kiss her and tell her bye, and we would see her after surgery. So, I leaned over her little bed, and whispered to my baby girl, "I love you London. Be a strong girl, and mommy will see you after surgery. You're going to be okay, baby. They'll take good care of you." My tears were falling on her cheek, but she didn't care. I kissed her sweet face, and rubbed her little chest - wires and all - and had to eventually back away as they wheeled her into the operating room. Why would I think of that moment? I guess because it's the last time I saw her. I didn't have a clue that it would be the last sight of my baby - this side of heaven. I guess I'm glad I didn't know.

For 22 months, London's things (as I've mentioned before) have been in my brother-in-law's parents' basement. They've been so gracious to store it there for us. However, it's not their place to keep it there forever, so I've been wanting to move it to my parents' house (we don't have a basement right now). I've see her things once in these 22 months - just one time...and it wasn't easy. Yesterday, Alaena and Bryan got all of London's things from Bryan's parents' house and brought them to Mom and Dad's. Afton, Jagger and I had gone to town to run some errands, and their intentions were to load everything before we got back. Well, we returned a little sooner than they planned. I knew they might get everything yesterday, and I had even offered to help, but Alaena insisted that I let them do it. So, last night, as I sat on the back patio, I saw Bryan's truck pull up with a load of precious white furniture in the back. My heart sank, and my emotions began to overflow again. All I could think about was that all of her precious things were being moved to another basement...just to sit there again for who knows how long. They weren't being delivered to a new room, or a new house. They were just being moved to store away again...to hide. Anyway, Alaena came over and apologized that they didn't have it moved already, and she told me to just sit there and let them handle it. She was very considerate of my emotions...and she knew I was having "one of those days". I couldn't see much from where I was sitting, but I did glance inside once and noticed my dad carrying the brand new white glider with the pink cushion. All I could do was just hang my head and weep. I never got to hold London and rock her in that chair. It wasn't even broken in. Broken, though, is what I am...I reflect on my broken heart, my broken dreams, and it hurts. I guess I get used to the pain at times, but I'm still broken.

After they moved everything in, Dad came outside - shirt wet with sweat from moving her things. He just came over and hugged me, and I broke down once again. He told me how it made him sad, too, and that he was sorry. As I just vented and bawled my eyes out to him, I remember saying how sometimes it's just so raw and painful that I wish I could escape my own skin. It's almost like I get a huge sense of panic at times that she's gone...forever...and I will NEVER see her again in this life. It's too much to handle at times.

Dad went on to share with me that a customer that he had yesterday (Dad owns a car lot) noticed his pictures all around his desk, and asked him how many grandchildren he had. Dad told him 3, but shared that he lost his granddaughter because she had a heart defect and didn't survive her surgery. Much to dad's surprise, this man looked at him and said, "Steve, I know exactly how you feel. I lost my granddaughter, too, when she was 4 years old. She had a heart defect and didn't survive her 3rd surgery." His granddaughter had a different heart defect, but they went on to discuss their hurt and their losses...and who would have thought that this man would have "been there" too. You just never know what some people have been through.

I told Dad, though, that I appreciate him saying that he has 3 grandchildren. People mean well...I totally believe that...but I've heard several times (especially since Jack has been born) that he is my second child. That hurts because he is not my second child. He is my third. Remember, there were those 9 months in between my two boys that I carried my little girl. I had 4 months of sickness with her. I felt her kick and move and tumble inside my belly. I had ultrasounds, echocardiograms, doctor visit after doctor visit for her. We traveled 2 hours away to get the best care for her. We had 2 baby showers for her. I prepared a room for her, bought her clothes, blankets, hair bows and toys. We held her, heard her cry, sang to her, prayed over her, talked to her...remember? She was real. She was my second child. Her existence was short, but it was real. She deserves to be remembered.

My life is good. I am blessed with 2 precious, healthy and very lively boys and a wonderful, loving husband. They make me smile and bring so much joy to my life. I recognize the blessing that they are to me. However, I am scarred and always will be. I miss my baby girl. I am sad...