We've come a long way

Well, another school year has begun and I survived our first three days! It was WILD! I miss getting up and drinking coffee in my pj's, but I love my job and the people I work with, so it'll be okay :) I know, those of you who get one or two weeks of vacation a year want to knock me out right now, right? I mean, we teachers do get about 12 weeks of vacation a year!!! Sorry!


Anyway, I was reading some of my journal entries from last August this week, and it's amazing to me how my life has changed - and improved - since one year ago. Last August, I was nearly 3 months pregnant, and we were filled with so many different emotions. As thankful and excited as we were to be having another baby, our fears of losing another baby were all too great. Satan had a full time job trying to scare me, make me think of all the hundreds of things that could be wrong with my third child, trying to convince me that, maybe for some reason, we didn't deserve to be happy again - that we were surely doomed!

One thing I learned last year at this time was that the same God who had taken London "home" after just 2 short days was the God whom we trusted to deliver us from our pain and suffering. If you've kept up with my blog, you've seen where I admitted that I was angry with God for a while. I was bitter that, in a nutshell, I didn't get my way with him. However, I learned that some things are just not for us to understand. Period. So, like children get upset with their parents - asking "why", pouting a little, crying, getting angry, etc. - I was like that with God. But, also, just as children eventually get over it, curl up in their parents' laps after being upset, and recognize that they still love them and need them, I too came running back to God, falling at his feet and trusting him, once again, with everything I had.

I just wanted this baby to be okay. I wanted to be happy again. I wanted Jagger to be a big brother - other than just helping clean his little sister's monument. I wanted to experience being a mommy to a newborn, since all of those responsibilities that I prepared for with London were stripped from me. I HAD to trust in God. After losing London, I realized that percentages didn't matter; people's opinions didn't matter...what was meant to happen was going to happen, regardless. To allow myself to be vulnerable again was so hard.

Even after so much worry, God blessed us over and over. First, we saw the little heartbeat inside of a butter bean, and we felt relief! I got to the 12 week mark, and we felt more relief. At 14 weeks, we saw a clear picture of a 4-chambered heart and a clear picture that we were having a little boy! Words can barely describe the relief we felt that day!! Still, I worried about other things that could go wrong. But...at the 20 week ultrasound, we saw that our Jack was completely healthy, and oh how we praised God!! Still, I worried about the rest of my pregnancy. But, on February 22, we finally welcomed our third miracle!! And...everything was fine, and believe it or not, it's still fine!

So many things that we hoped and prayed for last August have come to be, and we do have renewed joy and happiness with Jack in our lives. I am no longer drowning in my grief, gasping for air. Instead, I would say I'm wading in my grief. It's still there, but it's not nearly as debilitating as it once was. Every now and then, a huge wave of grief will hit me and make me stumble, but I can get up much faster now and continue on my way. As much as I wish that London were here and that none of this hurt ever occurred, I find myself growing to appreciate my grief. Sounds weird, huh? What I mean is that with every month, day, year that passes - and as those memories of me holding my baby become more and more distant - my grief keeps her close to my heart. It reminds me of one of the greatest gifts that God has ever given me.

There are blessings in every curse. Your "curse" may be losing a loved one, divorce, losing a job, losing your home...whatever...but know that if you trust in God, he will pull you through. It doesn't mean it will remotely be easy. Let's face it, you may not have ever chosen your situation (Lord knows I didn't), but you've been put there for a reason. How will you handle it? How can you use it to help others? Through losing London, I have been blessed beyond measure. I've met wonderful friends whom I never would have met. I've learned to appreciate things like I never have before, and I don't take anything for granted.

One of my favorite Bible verses that helped me during my time of such uncertainty is Jeremiah 29:11. It says, "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil. Plans to give you a future and a hope." I still trust in this verse and have faith that it is true for me and my family.