Facing our Battles

God does not want us to live in fear. He does not want us to worry - in fact that's a sin. Okay, then, why am I so terrible about living in fear and worrying about things? I have struggled my whole life at letting irrational fears creep into my mind, letting them manifest until I am just sick with fear and worry. I hate it, and I try my best to control it, but sometimes it gets the best of me. For instance, if Jonathan leaves the house to run errands, and 5 minutes later, I hear an ambulance...then my mind will automatically fear that Jonathan has been in a wreck. Then...if I call him on his cell phone and he doesn't answer, oh my...I start to panic that he's too hurt to answer and it's bad... See what I mean? That's just one example, and it's ridiculous, I know.

I just have this control issue, I guess, and it's tough to sort of be a control freak when so much of life - well most things in life - are out of my control. Today, I got very sad news that one of my high school friends, Jake, who suffered from cancer for nearly 3 years, passed away. Yesterday, I got an email that another friend from high school (Stephanie) - who is 3 years younger than me - has been diagnosed with a brain tumor and has been given only 18 months to live. Then, this morning, mom told me about another young woman (about my age) in our community that died of cancer.

Okay...so how do I hear these things, especially about people who are "my age" and go on about my life without worrying and fearing that it will happen to me?! If I get a headache, will I automatically worry that it's a brain tumor? Probably! Oh, it's such a struggle when you are an anxious person.

Jonathan's dad (Clifton), who is a Baptist preacher, visited us yesterday, and as I talked to him about my sadness (about my friends) and my own struggles with worry and fear, he reminded me of a few things. He reminded me that we are each "appointed" a time to live and a time to die, and that we have no control over when that time will come for us. God already knows, and we must find peace in that. We can't spend every waking minute worrying about things that may not even happen. Clifton was diagnosed with a brain tumor and was given 3 to 6 months to live, had brain surgery, and had been given no hope from his doctors.......22 years ago this month!

Through Clifton's story, I am reminded that God indeed does have a plan for us; that He is the ultimate physician; that if He's not ready for us, no diagnosis can take us. I am also reminded that worry and fear are of the devil! They are feelings that only SATAN can give! They are not of God. The Bible says that "God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, love and a sound mind." So, when I feel anxious and fearful, it's obviously just the devil getting me right in my weak spot! Do you have a weak spot, too? I pray that God will help me to overcome Satan and his mission to destroy my spirit through fear and worry!

For my friend, Jake, his fight is over. Cancer took his life, but I pray that God took his soul. For Stephanie, she has been given little hope, but I know - from my own father in law - that grim outcomes can change.

So, will you do me a favor and please pray for Jake's family - that they will have peace and comfort during this time of grief; and pray for Stephanie and her family as they deal with this horrible diagnosis - that God would heal her body, and that she and her family would also find peace and comfort and hope in the midst of this?

I experienced one of life's dreaded tragedies when I lost London. People all around us are experiencing tragedies, too. When we feel helpless in so many ways, we can pray. Sometimes that's about all we can do, but I am so thankful that it's that easy. God is always there - ready and waiting.

Lately...

We got our first snow last week, and Jagger was playing in it at 8:30 in the morning! You can't play in the snow without making snow angels!

After about 30 minutes, he was ready to come in. Here in Kentucky, we get out of school when they even "talk" about snow! We enjoyed a 4 day weekend, though :) I know we'll have to make it up, but I'm still like a kid when I see that school is closed! I love it!

Jagger is always saying something that just cracks us up. As many of you know, Jonathan and I renovated a 135 year old home 5 years ago. No matter how many updates we've done, it's still an old home, and it's hard to get it nice and cozy when it's 10 degrees outside! So...I was complaining about how cold the house felt, and Jagger heard me. He leaned up against the wall with his arms crossed and a confused look on his face. Then, he proceeds to ask me, "Well, Mommy, just how'd we get this piece-a-junk we're in anyway?" Ummm, yes, he called our house a piece of junk, but it was hilarious. Jonathan, in the midst of his frustration (because a water line froze on our dishwasher) said, "Well, you know it's bad when a 4 year old calls it a piece of junk!" Oh...he keeps us laughing. When I tried to defend our old home to him, Jagger said, "I called it a piece a junk because it's old, and you know, sometimes old things are pieces a junk..." He can talk his way out of anything, I'm afraid.


Here's our "old piece-a-junk"!!

Just as Jagger constantly cracks me up with his funny sayings, he's an extremely kind and sweet child and says things to melt my heart. Yesterday, he and Jack had to go to the doctor - Jagger has strep, and Jack has a double ear infection (needless to say, I'm home today). Anyway, he got a sticker from the doctor. When we got home, he was playing and randomly grabbed my arm and said, "Here, Mommy. I want London to have my sticker. You know, she loves stickers and I think she's smiling because I gave her a sticker!" Little moments like that do several things...they make my eyes fill with tears, they make me smile because her big brother wants to make her smile, and it makes me thankful that London is being remembered by her brother - even in random, insignificant moments. It was a small thing, but had a big impact on my heart.

"New" (old) picture

Well, I'd be lying if I said that I don't often think about the fact that I can't share "new" pictures of my baby girl with you. I mean, I constantly share pictures of my boys. You see how they're growing and changing. You see their funny faces, mad faces, happy faces - well...you see that I constantly keep a camera in my hand :) I'm on a mission to capture every moment, every funny saying, every milestone...everything!

As I was downloading some of our Christmas pictures this past week, I revisited all of London's pictures. Some of them I see all the time. But there are many that I haven't really looked at in a while. What I've noticed is that her pictures bring about new feelings, new emotions as time passes. They used to be too painful to look at. I would sit and sob as I stared at them, and I would have to prepare myself to even look at them. Now, it's still terribly hard to look at them - to revisit that moment in time - and to be reminded of my precious, perfect little girl who was only with me for 2 days. I seriously don't know when that will ever "not" hurt. How could it not hurt? It's a part of me now. As much as I would love to not have the hurt, I kind of want it because it keeps London "real" to me and here with me. Clear as mud, right? That's grief for you.

This picture was one that hurt when I really looked at it. First of all, it shows her precious chubby cheeks, her beautifully colored skin, the dainty hair bow that she wore, the dress that I, too, wore when my mom and dad brought me home from the hospital, and the fact that she looks so much like her brothers. On the other hand, this picture hurt me when I saw it again because I could see the reminders that she had a condition that was incompatible with life. I could see the monitors, the wires, the unnatural things that make Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome so real to me. I see her little hand taped to the splint. I notice the pink arm band that covered her pick line. Her little hand looks so uncomfortable, yet I stare at it to see if her hands look like her brothers - or if they, by chance, could have looked like mine. Those things hurt.

As I share this "new" (old) picture with you, I realize that London is still a newborn - although it's been nearly 2 1/2 years ago. I realize that she is in the same dress as the other pictures of her - because that's the only outfit she ever wore. I realize that my pictures of London do not show her growing and changing, doing funny things, making sad/mad/happy faces like my boys. I realize these things...but, she's my baby. She's my princess, and as I edited this picture and zoomed in on her precious face, I just couldn't help but show her off.

As I share these feelings, this thought comes to mind, and as tough as it is to admit, it's true: "Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." I would go through it over and over again to experience the love I felt and continue to feel for my baby girl.





"Every good and perfect gift is from above..." (James 1:17)

Christmas

Well, we survived Christmas. We had a good Christmas. Every year, I say that I'm going to simplify Christmas and really focus on the true "reason for the season". We did try to simplify this year, but it was still crazy. I was still worried about gifts, shopping last minute - doing all the things I said I wouldn't do. That's the nature of it, I guess. Jack's first Christmas was sweet. He loved all the lights, and he's having fun with the tons of noise makers that he got! Jagger was totally into Santa this year. It was fun to watch! Plus, he's very dramatic and animated...not sure where he gets that!! :) Here are some pictures of our Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.


Brotherly love - Christmas Eve


Mimi and Poppy got Jagger the GI Joe Headquarters. It's like a huge ship that's in a million pieces! And where is that going to go??? I think there's a free space in the middle of the disastrous play room floor!


Grandmommy and Papaw got Jagger this trampoline. He LOVES it! We love it, too, considering he can get all his energy out while being contained in a little "cage" - ha ha! It's still at their house. Where in the world is it going to go in our house?!!!!!! The play room is full!

Jagger thought Santa would like chocolate covered pretzels and peanut butter balls instead of cookies! Needless to say, Santa ate it all and wished there were more peanut butter balls :)

This Star Wars Light Saber is just one of the many light-up noise-makers that filled our home on Christmas morning!

This is Jack's main present from Santa. Jagger "helped" him open all of his gifts. Jack actually wanted to eat the wrapping paper instead of ripping it!

Our favorite Christmas movie is A Christmas Story. I think we watched it about 10 times in one day...it was on for 24 hours on Christmas! Anyway, Mom bought all the guys Red Ryder BB guns! They were more excited about them than anything else! Jagger's is "pretend", by the way.

Mom is so diligent in keeping London's grave decorated for the seasons. I am thankful for that. As hard as it was without London - again - this Christmas, I couldn't help but think that as wonderful as we think Christmas is here, imagine what London is experiencing in heaven - in the presence of our savior! I have to remind myself every now and then that heaven is REAL...it's not make believe or imaginary. It's a real place, and I know - without a doubt - that she's there. I love the promise of this verse - "However, as it is written: no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him." (1 Corinthians 2:9). We just have no idea how wonderful heaven will be! As much as I miss London, I cannot imagine grieving her without hope of seeing her again. I am so thankful that - although my pain is great - this is not the end. I will see her again!

New pictures

We took a few pictures today after church...

And it didn't take long for Jagger to get sick of smiling!!!

Who doesn't love a Mad Santa picture?!!


How is it that Jack loved the real Santa, but hated the fake blow-up Santa?!


My boys and me...


Howdy, partner!


Doesn't he just look rotten in this picture?

The latest...

We're out of school for 16 days...wahoo!!! This is one of the wonderful perks of being a teacher! Jack is saying "Jagger", but it sounds like "Ga-ga". Jagger just melts when he says it. It's really sweet :) Jagger's latest hilarious thing was when he was at his babysitter's house this week, and she couldn't understand what another little boy was saying. He's 2 and is sometimes hard to understand. She asked Jagger what the little boy was saying, and he said, "I really don't know. You see, he doesn't speak my language." That was just funny!! Have a good day :)

A Proud Big Brother

I always wondered how Jagger would be as a big brother. When London was born, he was only 2 years and 4 days old. He never got to see her, touch her, or hold her. We, unfortunately, never had to worry about him holding her by her neck :), trying to bring her to us from the bassinet...you know, all those things that a 2 year old might do with a new baby! But, when he was 3 1/2 years old, we finally got to see him with a baby, and as I've said many times, he absolutely adores his baby brother. Thankfully, he has never dropped him, tried to carry him across the room or anything crazy like that! He always says how adorable he is and thinks everything he does is the greatest. It's wonderful to see Jagger in the big brother role - finally.

To be honest, Jagger has not really talked about London that much. I guess part of it is because he was so young when she was born. The other part - whether it's good or bad - is probably because Jonathan and I do not talk about her very openly in our home. Her precious picture is hanging in the center of our living room, but quite frankly, it's just too painful sometimes to "open that can of worms" if you know what I mean. And...I am very much more open about talking about her and sharing her story than Jonathan is. It is still too painful for him to talk about, and when he has a bad day, he still refuses to talk about it and keeps it all inside. We grieve very differently.

Okay, back to Jagger...as I was saying, he really hasn't made a point of talking about her all the time, but lately he has really started to mention her name more often. One thing that Jagger always does with new people - and absolute strangers, at times - is introduce himself and his baby brother. It always goes like this: "Hi, I'm Jagger. This is my baby brother Jack." He always has a big, proud smile on his face! Lately, his introductions have sounded a bit different, and as much as it hurts to hear it, his precious introduction has melted my heart.

He has suddenly been adding his little sister to his introduction. I first heard it at the Cheesecake Factory a few weeks ago when we were there for my sister's birthday. A sweet older couple started talking to Jagger, and when they asked him his name, he boldly told them, "I'm Jagger. And this is my baby brother Jack. I used to have a baby sister named London, but she died and went to heaven, and now we have a new baby, and his name is Jack." And...what can I say? I was floored that he told this to a complete stranger, and yes, it made my heart sink and I had to fight back the tears. It happened again in public not long ago, and then again today.

We had a man here fixing our furnace - yes, it decides to blow a fuse the day it gets down to 18 degrees! Anyway, when the man asked Jagger's name, he said, "I'm Jagger." Then he looked up at Jack, who was on my hip, of course, and said, "And this is my baby brother. His name is Jack. I used to have a baby sister named London, but she died and mommy had another baby." Although I've heard this a few times now, it never ceases to catch me off guard or make my heart sink. Today was no different. I felt so sorry for the man who just looked really uncomfortable for a few seconds and simply replied, "Well, I bet you have fun with your little brother." We moved on from there. After the man left, I could tell that Jonathan was bothered. When I looked at him, without saying a word, he just shook his head with big tears in his eyes. His words were few, but he was hurting. He dealt with it by going for a drive.

I later told Jagger that I was proud of him for telling people about his baby sister. We talked about what she might be doing in heaven today. When I asked Jagger what he thought she might be doing, he said, "Well...I think she's probly playin' with God...and you know, she might be playin' with an angel or somethin'. Yeah, I think she's playin' with an angel." That was his 4-year-old take on a day in the life of London in heaven :) It was too sweet.

There's no doubt that Jagger adores his baby sister, and that is what hurts so badly when I hear him talk about her. He speaks about her with such pride. He tells complete strangers about her. Moments like this is when I just want to know why she's not here. I know there's a reason, but why couldn't I just have my 3 healthy children like millions of other families have? Why did my baby girl have only half a heart? Why was there a complete surprise in her surgery that made it impossible for her to live? WHY???!!

I completely recognize that I am much farther in my grief journey than I used to be. I completely acknowledge that there have been so many blessings that I have experienced through the loss of my daughter. I have made friends whom I would have never met otherwise. I have grown closer to God and more aware of my complete need for Him than I ever was before. Before losing London, I never knew what it was like to experience the "peace that surpasses all understanding." I never knew what it was like to survive something so horrible ONLY because of His love and His grace. And, let's face it, if the truth be known, Jack is here because my London is not. Jonathan and I really had decided that we were complete with our boy and our girl, and that would probably be it for us (unless God would have insisted on another child). So, our second precious boy would probably have never came if London had never left us.

It's all so bittersweet and overwhelming sometimes. It's also so complicated. Anyway, I'm proud that Jagger wants to talk about his baby sister. I'm proud that he, too, is sharing her story and keeping her memory alive.

On a sidenote, I am proud to announce that Team London Tomes raised over $1000 for the American Heart Association in this year's heartwalk!!! I am so proud and thankful to everyone who contributed in London's memory!!

A Perfect Pink Stocking

This will be the third Christmas without our London. Well, the truth of the matter is that we never had London during Christmas, or any holiday for that matter. But...this will be the third Christmas since we lost our London. That's a more accurate way to say it, I guess. We just had a wonderful Thanksgiving with our family, and it was such a blessing to have Jack with us this year. However, I found myself being really emotional last week before Thanksgiving. I wasn't really sure what had sparked my emotion, but I truly think that it was just that the holidays were approaching, and I was faced with the reality - yet again - that London was not here. Although I know this and I accept this fact, it's still so raw during the holidays - during those times when family is supposed to be celebrated, and you somehow seem closer than ever to the ones you love. That is why it hits me so hard.

I wish she were here. This year, London would be 2 years old. I can just imagine what she would be doing during this holiday season. Would she like Santa or would she scream? What toys/dolls/babies would she like? What Christmas dress would she wear, or what big Christmas bow would we put in her hair? Gosh, I could just keep going, but those things hurt me so badly as her mommy. I feel cheated! I can't help it. I just ache for her. I want to know what she would look like, feel like, sound like. I want her here with us.

I have wanted to find a stocking to hang in her memory, but I just haven't found the "right" one. That is, until today. I was strolling through Target with my sisters, and out of the blue, I spotted the most perfect stocking for London, and I had to get it. It is light pink satin with a pink velvet ruffle, and a rhinestone princess crown on it. It's so dainty, prissy and just "fits" her! She is our princess, and this stocking is definitely fit for a princess!

When I brought it home today, I asked Jonathan if we should add it to the other three or hang it in the middle. He insisted that it hang in the middle. When I hung this beautiful pink stocking in between the two more masculine stockings, I got a big lump in my throat. I sat on the couch in front of the fireplace, and I couldn't help but to cry. As I looked at the mantle, it wasn't just 3 stockings hanging there. It was as if my two boys were hugging their sister - one on each side of her. There is absolutely no pink in our house. I think I have one sweater with pink stripes, but that's about it. Pink does not go with our decor, so this satin and rhinestone stocking really stands out. And you know what? That's exactly how I want it. It should stand out. It's absolutely perfect that this pink stocking - that doesn't match anything - is now in the center of our mantle and at the center of our family room. A conversation piece? Absolutely. For some strange reason, when I hung London's stocking tonight, it was as if she were here with me. It was as if my daughter - my baby girl - was in the room beside me.

When Jagger saw the stocking, he said, "Mommy that is so adorable" as he hugged it against his chest. Unfortunately, I ordered our Christmas cards this morning, and our precious pink stocking is not a part of the pictures! But...that's okay. It's now a part of our home and our Christmas, and I feel that London is even closer to us during this sacred time of the year.

It may seem strange, but as I've said a hundred times before, grief will make you do/think/say strange things sometimes. Oh, how I wish London were here. She isn't - she never will be. But...we can remember her, honor her and symbolize her in our heart and in our home forever.

Please pray

When I began my blog, I felt like I had so much to share and so much to say. My heart is still so full, but it's not overflowing with grief like it used to. Don't get me wrong, I have a sadness in my heart for my precious baby girl that is yet to leave. In fact, I don't see it truly ever leaving. However, that sadness comes in brief waves and is - thankfully - more manageable now. I don't even cry very often now. Even when something upsets me or catches me off guard about London, I can usually just take a deep breath and recover rather quickly. Not always...but most of the time.

There are times when I allow myself to just think about the darkest moments of my life - moments like the ultrasound when we learned of London's diagnosis, the wretched appointment when we were told we could terminate the pregnancy, allow our baby to die, or have her endure 3 open heart surgeries; the nurse telling us the "unexpected complication" during London's surgery; the final shake of the head from the nurse that told us our baby was gone; seeing her precious, tiny white casket with pink roses sitting on a platform; and the silence and darkness that followed those moments. Oh, how it hurt. How I was paralyzed with grief, and how I felt that I couldn't possibly recover from the worst pain I could ever endure.

But...here I am, and I have survived. I never thought that I would, but God is good and He is faithful. He has brought us through the valley of the shadow of death, and He has been with us and restored our joy. On the other hand, there are those who are just entering the valley. There are those whose hearts have just been ripped apart; lives have been changed forever; and grief has consumed their entire being.

My heart has felt so burdened this week for a lady whom I used to go to church with - a beautiful, sweet lady named Heather. Heather was pregnant with her third child - a healthy little boy named Ethan. Heather was to be induced last Thursday. Her 2 children were looking forward to meeting their little brother, and the anticipation of new life was as wonderful as it could be. Until...the day of the induction, there was no heartbeat. That was it. It was over. All the planning, all the anticipation, all the excitement, dreams, plans, future...it was all over and destroyed. My heart has just ached for this sweet family. It makes me literally sick to think of going back to those first wretched, horrible days, and I am so sad that another family is having to endure the same thing. This family has a wonderful support system, they have their faith, but they do not have their precious baby boy. And, speaking from experience, when you've lost a piece of you that you nurtured for 9 months in your womb, felt kick and move, and grew to love more than life itself even before you ever saw them, not even the promise of heaven takes the pain away. So, I ask you...will you pray for this family? Will you pray that Heather and her family will have peace, comfort, strength, and faith.

We do not understand God's ways or his timing, but in moments like this, oh how I wish I could get a glimpse of what His plan is! I have learned that in these moments, we have to love him anyway - because He loves us. When you're mad, angry, hurting deeper than any human should, and you just want to know WHY...that's when all you can do is just trust him and love him. No, I didn't say agree with him or be chipper with him, necessarily. But...we should still go to him, tell him what we want to say - good, bad, ugly - because he knows anyway. He knows our pain. He knows we don't understand. But he's there and he loves us. He loves Heather and her family and he knows why this has happened - he sees the whole picture. So, will you pray for them? Thank you!

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween! Jagger had fun tonight at "trunk or treat" at church. He'll be on a sugar high for a week! Out of 4 new costumes that he got for his birthday - 2 transformers and 2 GI Joe men - he decided today that he wanted to be Batman again! That's what he wore last year. Oh well.
I bought Jack's costume last Halloween at Old Navy on clearance for $4.99! They only had a 3-6 months when I bought it, and he's crammed in it, but it works! We have laughed all day at him in this costume!! He's just too funny :) Enjoy a few pictures of my little dragon and Batman.

Hello again!

My goodness, it's been way too long since I've posted! Between vacation and sick little ones, keeping up with the blog has been difficult to do. Since I've posted last, we had a wonderful Fall Break and traveled to Gatlinburg, TN for 5 days. We stayed in a cabin in the Smokey Mountains, shopped, and ate too much, of course! This is the 4th year that our family of 4, my parents, both sisters and brother-in-law have gone together to Gatlinburg, and yes...we've managed to actually have fun and get along without feeding anyone to the bears all 4 times :) We did see a total of 3 bears this trip! One was right in the back yard of the cabin, walked around to the front and tried to get into our trash. It was so cute! Alaena and Jagger saw one as they walked up the street. Jagger spotted it first, and Alaena was certain it was going to chase them and eat them whole. They made it back in one piece! Then, Afton and Dad saw one while they drove into town one night. Very exciting :)

On the day we came home, Jack had a temperature of 102.5! I, the infamous worry wart, freaked out and was certain something was "bad wrong" with him. The doctor could squeeze him in at 6pm - thank goodness - and the poor little guy had the flu and strep throat! Either of those things are hard on an adult, and he's only 7 months old! But, with some medicine and lots of (well, even more than usual) attention from mommy and daddy, he was fine and is back to his wild little self now. I do think he's a bit more spoiled now! Since our trip, Afton, Dad, Mom and Jack have had the flu! I am still holding out...I refuse to get sick!

Grandmother and Granddad came up and kept the boys on Monday when we had to return to work, and the boys had so much fun. Granddad and Jagger went to a little country store in our town for lunch - just the two of them, and Grandmother just carted Jack around all day! She even managed to cook for us and clean up Jagger's messy playroom. There's just something about Grandmother and Granddad! First of all, Grandmother could run circles around me...she never stops! They are ALWAYS there when we need them, they bend over backwards to help us, and they show such love and support to us and our boys. We are so blessed to have them!

This week, I started a team for the American Heart Association Heart Walk in honor of London. It's one small thing that we can do to honor our baby girl, so I look forward to that. On the other hand, it's very difficult to face the reality that this is in "memory" of London. I know it's been 2 years, but my goodness, I still have such difficult days. Time keeps passing, and London is still a newborn to me. I mean, Jack is already almost 8 months old - so much older than his "big" sister. It's just strange and difficult sometimes.

On the other hand, God just continues to use our precious boys to bless us more than I could ever imagine. Jagger cracks us up every day and comes off with the most hilarious sayings. Oh, and he's starting to get a little bit "annoyed" by his baby brother! I was just oblivious to the fact that they may actually act like "brothers" eventually, but it's happening sooner than I thought. Jagger still adores Jack, but Jack is starting to grab his things, pull his hair, grab and bite his finger if it gets anywhere close. You know, he's just being the little brother! I love it, though. It's funny when Jagger gets a little put out with him. I love the fact that Jagger is able to be a big brother and have a sibling to be grumpy with! Jack is sitting up all the time, blowing his food everywhere, saying momma, da da da, bubba, and bye bye. He's giving the yummy open-mouth kisses, too! It's so precious.

Well, I guess I'm back up to date now. I've attached some pictures of the past few weeks.

We got to enjoy this view all week in Gatlinburg!

There it is!!

Jonathan, Jagger, Me and Jack in "The Village" in Gatlinburg

Bryan, Alaena, Jonathan, Jagger, Me, Jack, Mom, Dad, Afton

Isn't that crazy?!

You can't go to Gatlinburg without getting an airbrushed shirt! He chose Ben 10. Jack was having loads of fun, as you can tell!


Sweet smiles, huh?


Jagger had fun scooping out the "guts" of his jack-o-lanterns