A Proud Big Brother

I always wondered how Jagger would be as a big brother. When London was born, he was only 2 years and 4 days old. He never got to see her, touch her, or hold her. We, unfortunately, never had to worry about him holding her by her neck :), trying to bring her to us from the bassinet...you know, all those things that a 2 year old might do with a new baby! But, when he was 3 1/2 years old, we finally got to see him with a baby, and as I've said many times, he absolutely adores his baby brother. Thankfully, he has never dropped him, tried to carry him across the room or anything crazy like that! He always says how adorable he is and thinks everything he does is the greatest. It's wonderful to see Jagger in the big brother role - finally.

To be honest, Jagger has not really talked about London that much. I guess part of it is because he was so young when she was born. The other part - whether it's good or bad - is probably because Jonathan and I do not talk about her very openly in our home. Her precious picture is hanging in the center of our living room, but quite frankly, it's just too painful sometimes to "open that can of worms" if you know what I mean. And...I am very much more open about talking about her and sharing her story than Jonathan is. It is still too painful for him to talk about, and when he has a bad day, he still refuses to talk about it and keeps it all inside. We grieve very differently.

Okay, back to Jagger...as I was saying, he really hasn't made a point of talking about her all the time, but lately he has really started to mention her name more often. One thing that Jagger always does with new people - and absolute strangers, at times - is introduce himself and his baby brother. It always goes like this: "Hi, I'm Jagger. This is my baby brother Jack." He always has a big, proud smile on his face! Lately, his introductions have sounded a bit different, and as much as it hurts to hear it, his precious introduction has melted my heart.

He has suddenly been adding his little sister to his introduction. I first heard it at the Cheesecake Factory a few weeks ago when we were there for my sister's birthday. A sweet older couple started talking to Jagger, and when they asked him his name, he boldly told them, "I'm Jagger. And this is my baby brother Jack. I used to have a baby sister named London, but she died and went to heaven, and now we have a new baby, and his name is Jack." And...what can I say? I was floored that he told this to a complete stranger, and yes, it made my heart sink and I had to fight back the tears. It happened again in public not long ago, and then again today.

We had a man here fixing our furnace - yes, it decides to blow a fuse the day it gets down to 18 degrees! Anyway, when the man asked Jagger's name, he said, "I'm Jagger." Then he looked up at Jack, who was on my hip, of course, and said, "And this is my baby brother. His name is Jack. I used to have a baby sister named London, but she died and mommy had another baby." Although I've heard this a few times now, it never ceases to catch me off guard or make my heart sink. Today was no different. I felt so sorry for the man who just looked really uncomfortable for a few seconds and simply replied, "Well, I bet you have fun with your little brother." We moved on from there. After the man left, I could tell that Jonathan was bothered. When I looked at him, without saying a word, he just shook his head with big tears in his eyes. His words were few, but he was hurting. He dealt with it by going for a drive.

I later told Jagger that I was proud of him for telling people about his baby sister. We talked about what she might be doing in heaven today. When I asked Jagger what he thought she might be doing, he said, "Well...I think she's probly playin' with God...and you know, she might be playin' with an angel or somethin'. Yeah, I think she's playin' with an angel." That was his 4-year-old take on a day in the life of London in heaven :) It was too sweet.

There's no doubt that Jagger adores his baby sister, and that is what hurts so badly when I hear him talk about her. He speaks about her with such pride. He tells complete strangers about her. Moments like this is when I just want to know why she's not here. I know there's a reason, but why couldn't I just have my 3 healthy children like millions of other families have? Why did my baby girl have only half a heart? Why was there a complete surprise in her surgery that made it impossible for her to live? WHY???!!

I completely recognize that I am much farther in my grief journey than I used to be. I completely acknowledge that there have been so many blessings that I have experienced through the loss of my daughter. I have made friends whom I would have never met otherwise. I have grown closer to God and more aware of my complete need for Him than I ever was before. Before losing London, I never knew what it was like to experience the "peace that surpasses all understanding." I never knew what it was like to survive something so horrible ONLY because of His love and His grace. And, let's face it, if the truth be known, Jack is here because my London is not. Jonathan and I really had decided that we were complete with our boy and our girl, and that would probably be it for us (unless God would have insisted on another child). So, our second precious boy would probably have never came if London had never left us.

It's all so bittersweet and overwhelming sometimes. It's also so complicated. Anyway, I'm proud that Jagger wants to talk about his baby sister. I'm proud that he, too, is sharing her story and keeping her memory alive.

On a sidenote, I am proud to announce that Team London Tomes raised over $1000 for the American Heart Association in this year's heartwalk!!! I am so proud and thankful to everyone who contributed in London's memory!!