Out of nowhere

Last night we were getting ready for bed...Jack was lying on my chest in the bed, Jagger was putting on his pj's and Jonathan was helping him. Jagger looked at Jonathan's new tattoo of Jack's footprints on his arm, and he said, "Daddy, I love Jack's paw prints on your arm." It was so cute to hear him say "paw prints". Anyway, then he wanted to look at his own "paw prints" on Daddy's arm. Then, the subject changed. It struck me that Jagger didn't ask to see London's "paw prints" on Daddy's arm. I kind of ignored it, but it began to make me sad. Her precious little footprints are stamped permanently on Daddy's arm, too, but does anyone notice? For that moment, it was as if she never existed. I began to have one of those grief moments, and I began to cry. Plus, Jack has really been smiling and cooing a lot. It just melts my heart. So, in the midst of my tears, I welcomed every depressing thought that came my way. It's like I wanted to grieve. So, I began to think about how I never saw London's first smile. I never heard her coo or her giggles. As I held Jack in my arms, feeling his soft skin, rubbing his little head, I just grieved my London. I remember how her skin felt and how I would rub her little head. Now, all I have is a "wisp" of her hair in a little plastic zip-lock bag, tucked away in her little box with all the other things that remind me of her. Should I even go on? It's depressing, I know. I needed to grieve. So, out of nowhere, I had a river of tears last night. That happens sometimes.