Spring is here!

Okay, just keep it between the ditches!!


Look at that little head barely peeking over the steering wheel! Jagger loves driving in Grandmommy and Papaw's neighborhood. It's a bit scary, I know!

Scary or not, he was so proud of himself :)

Jack loves his new swing!

We enjoy going to our land (that we hope to build a home on if we EVER sell our house)! Jonathan and Jagger played football, explored in the creek, and actually found a rather - well, I guess I should say a rather unique treasure (for boys, that is). They found a...

...part of a skeleton of a dead animal!!!!! And yes, Jagger is totally putting the jawbone right up to his mouth, pretending that they're his teeth! Germ X, please!

We had to freshen up London's grave - making it as pink and girly as possible for springtime. And this is where I feel stuck right now...at London's grave - missing my baby girl. I admit that I have been struggling lately. It's ironic that it is so beautiful outside, the weather is getting warm, the trees are budding, the flowers are blooming...nature is coming to life again, and I love it, yet my emotions have been on edge, and my tears have been flowing freely.

The boys are getting bigger. They're changing and growing, and it's evident that time is passing (quicker than I'd like it to). The reality is that London's life is growing farther in the past, and with every springtime that rolls around without her, I am sad that we are living this life without her. I'm sad that I have to share a picture of her "girly" tombstone flowers instead of her in her Easter dress with a matching hair bow, tights and precious little dress shoes. Maybe her hair would be sort of long by now, and maybe it would have curls like her daddy's. I imagine that she would be prissy and bossy...especially to her brothers! Gosh, I just ache for her - especially lately. Not that I don't miss her every moment of every day, but it has been 2 1/2 years, and I have learned to live with my grief. However, lately it's been more painful, more raw and fresh...like it used to be. Perhaps its the fact that every time I go to the stores, I see pink ruffles and hair bows and hats. Maybe it's the fact that I always got a new Easter dress every year when I was little, and I am sad that I can't carry on the tradition with my daughter. Jagger and Jack will hunt eggs this weekend, and the Easter bunny will come, and we will go to church and celebrate Jesus' resurrection, and London will not be there (again). She is always missing. We are a happy family of four. We are blessed...but there will always be a huge void in our family. There will always be the unknown of what life would have been like with London.

Let me tell you, it is because of this Easter weekend - this ultimate celebration of Jesus' willingness to die on the cross for my sins, and to rise again promising me that if I believe in him, I will live forever with him in Heaven - it is because of this promise that I can endure the pain of losing my daughter. I know, without a doubt, that she is safe in the arms of Jesus in heaven right now. It doesn't help my void and my human feelings of wanting her here. But, it does help my sanity and my peace of mind to know that although I ache for her now - I will see her again. Praise GOD!!! I pray that you have that peace of mind.

I know that this time will pass. It will not be as "raw" after a while. I recognize that this is yet another wave of grief that comes and goes. It's not fun and not even remotely easy, but I've made it through before, and I'll make it again.

By the way, why did Eve have to eat the apple???!!!

This week in pictures

Jack loves anything adventurous, and riding on his daddy's shoulders is a favorite :)

Jagger loves fire! I think he roasted a whole bag of marshmallows yesterday...I'm glad I like mine burnt!!

It won't be long before he succeeds...

Top of the mornin' to ya!

It has been so beautiful and warm lately that we've been taking advantage of every second! We went to the lake this week, and Jagger fed the ducks for the first time.

He had so much fun. Did you know that you can go through a half a loaf of bread in like 5 minutes if you're not careful?!! These ducks will be full for days!

Jack had fun watching.

Now, this my friends, is what you call "The Crusher Machine", according to Jagger. Ummm, not exactly sure what it crushes, but that's what it is! I had a Southern Living at Home party, and when all the stuff came in, I couldn't dare throw the boxes away. Jagger reminded me that they make awesome tents/forts/houses/cars/airplanes...oh, and crusher machines! I'm just glad I walked in when I did. I had no idea he had built this, and when I walked in, he was totally trying to climb on top of it! BOYS!!!!!

Jagger gave Jack a wig! Jack thought it was hilarious! He doesn't know to fight back yet, but I'm sure it's coming!

I caught this look...don't know why he had the look (probably pouting about something!), but it was worth catching!

That's all for now. Have a good week :)

Remembering Nana

Three years ago today, one of the most wonderful, influential people in my life went to be with Jesus. It was my Nana. Nana was about 115 pounds soaking wet, funny, had a country accent, a great laugh, and loved to smoke big long Virginia Slims - you know, the cigarettes that look like foot long straws!! Oh, and she kept them in the freezer, too, because she said it kept them "fresh"! So, yes, you might go to look for some ice cream or a frozen pizza, and you'd see a carton of Virginia Slims - ha ha!! I have to say that smoking was her only vice - at least the only one that I know of! Nana was fun-loving, accepting, forgiving, kind, and loved Jesus more than anything in this world. Nana made such an impression on me by putting God first, forgiving others, and by giving thanks even when life didn't seem to treat her too kindly.

You see, Nana lived in a small trailer in a trailer park, she had an 8th grade education, worked many different jobs throughout her life, but eventually ended up keeping children in her home for about the last 10 years of her life. Nana's trailer stood out as a cozy, inviting little trailer. In summer, she flooded her landscape with flowers - especially yellow ones (that was her favorite color). She had white wicker furniture on her porch, wind chimes hanging, and a few other little "Nana" trinkets here and there that she either found or that we had given her. In her home, you would find framed religious poems and art work that reflected her love of Jesus and the cross. Everything was so neatly arranged. Although Nana didn't have anything of a lot of value, she took pride in everything she had. You could never go in Nana's house without smelling a wonderful candle burning in her kitchen, and you couldn't stay long without being greeted by her Coo Coo Clock. Oh...the coo coo clock! We loved that thing! We also loved her sweet tea and her collection of magnets from every unique place that she or any other family member had been!

Nana was a wonderful cook. She always fixed the "same ole' thing" as she used to say, but it was what we loved! No matter how incredible it smelled, and even though it was always great, Nana always said, "Well, I hope it's fit to eat." Macaroni shells and cheese (aka...the best food on the planet!), chicken casserole, corn, sweet carrots, fried apples, green beans, rolls... Of course, it was fit to eat!! For Thanksgiving every year, about 20 people would gather in her little trailer, sit around her table (which was in her kitchen), and we would have the best time! Nana loved her family. Her children (my dad, Steve, and my aunt, Cindy) and her grandchildren were her pride and joy.

When I went to Western Kentucky University in Bowling Green, I was able to see Nana every week (she lived in Bowling Green). We would have the best talks. Nana was as fun to talk to as one of my best college friends at the time. She knew how to listen without judging, and she trusted me with her deepest feelings. During a time when God was often on the back burner in my life (college), Nana reminded me of His love and His goodness. She would talk about how good He had been to her. She'd say, "Honey, I don't have much, but He's given me everything I have, and it's everything I need." She never complained. Although she would have liked to have had "more", Nana had a way of being content, and she never failed to give God the glory for everything in her life. She trusted Him with everything she was. We even used to laugh at her because she never would make any plans - I mean, ANY plans - without saying, "Lord willin..." I'd say, "NANA! Don't say that!" and she'd say, "Well, honey, it's the truth! We're not guaranteed our next breath! If it's the Lord's will, then I'll be there." Although I teased her then, I realize now that Nana had the right idea. She had it all figured out.

The last time that I visited Nana before she was bedridden and nearly unconscious, Jagger was about 18 months old. She adored her only great grandchild. She thought he was hilarious and that he looked just like my dad (he did look just like my dad at that age!). Nana, at that visit (just a few days before she died) was sitting in her big blue recliner and told me that she was afraid that her cancer was spreading (as she rubbed knots on her ribs that had recently appeared). She then went on to say that she wanted to be around to "see that baby". That baby she was talking about was London, who was due that September. A few days later, as I sat by her side in the bed - knowing she just had days or even hours with us - I told Nana that if our baby was a girl, we were going to name her after her. Nana just rubbed my hand and smiled and said in a soft, faint voice, "Oh, Ashlee, that is such an honor. You don't know what that means to me." At the time, we didn't know what our little one was, and our lives certainly hadn't been turned upside down with the news of Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. However, we knew that we wanted to honor Nana by naming our child after her.

The funny part of that is that Nana's real name was - are you ready for this??? Cleo Patra Conner! I'm not even kidding. Bless her heart...her mother named her Cleo Patra!! We'd tease and call her "Queen of the Nile"!! So, I wasn't too keen on naming my daughter Cleo or Patra, for that matter. But...I got a little creative. We loved Chloe, so we just flipped Cleo around and named our daughter London Cloe (without the 'h') after my Nana. So, now when I think of my wonderful Nana, I also think of my London. And when I see London's full name, I think of my Nana.

I was so blessed to have a Nana like her! I miss her! But...I know I will see her again in heaven. I also believe that she is loving her precious great-granddaughter, London Cloe, right now! Nana got her wish...she got to "see that baby" after all...just in a better place!

"Mommy, where is heaven?"

Last night, Jagger and I were lying in bed, and we were reading his little Bible stories. We some how got on the subject of heaven. That's when Jagger asked how we get to heaven, where it is, and if it's far away like in outer space. Although we've discussed this before, his ability to understand is a little more developed now, and he was more interested this time.

I was a little caught off guard. How do I describe the "location" of heaven to a 4 year old? Well, wait...when I think about it, how exactly do we describe the location of heaven to a grown person? It's a bit complicated when we have such finite minds. So, the only preschool explanation that I could come up with was, "Well, heaven is very far away." Then, he said that he was going to take an airplane and fly to heaven! I thought that was cute.

I told him casually that we can't really visit heaven now, but if we believe that Jesus is God's son and that He died on the cross and came back to life 3 days later (which Jagger thinks is the coolest thing ever) - some day when we die, we can go to heaven and see God and Jesus and baby London...

And that's where I messed up. Jagger jerked up with a nervous and worried face and said - in a quivering voice - "Mommy, you mean that some day my heart is not going to work, too???" Oh my goodness... at that moment, I realized that my casual comment of "when we die" took Jagger immediately to the fact that his baby sister died because "her heart didn't work." It also made me aware that Jagger had no idea that we do not live forever in this body! I just forgot (like a complete goofball) that his little mind didn't know that! So, I immediately changed the subject, and he was fine.

I am thankful that I can discuss Jesus and heaven to my 4 year old, but I am reminded that some things need to be left up to God and the Holy Spirit. The time will come when Jagger will be ready to discuss our mortality, the true meaning of heaven, eternity, sin, salvation - all the big stuff. But, sometimes I just talk too much! And that's what I did! For now, I think I need to focus on just making sure that Jagger knows God's love for him, that Jesus is God's son, that baby London is in heaven and we will see her some day (no big explanation needed yet!). For now, we will go to church, say our prayers, read our Bible stories, and give thanks.

I have a tendency to make some things more complicated than they need to be. Praise the Lord that Jagger is "saved" right now - that his little mind cannot comprehend the meaning of sin and salvation, death and eternity. God is gracious enough to have our children safe in his hands - protected from the depths of hell - because of their lack of understanding. When Jagger reaches the age of accountability and recognizes that he is "lost", then I will dig a bit deeper in our conversations!

Whew...sometimes it's tough being a parent!!! I know this is only the beginning :)