"New" (old) picture

Well, I'd be lying if I said that I don't often think about the fact that I can't share "new" pictures of my baby girl with you. I mean, I constantly share pictures of my boys. You see how they're growing and changing. You see their funny faces, mad faces, happy faces - well...you see that I constantly keep a camera in my hand :) I'm on a mission to capture every moment, every funny saying, every milestone...everything!

As I was downloading some of our Christmas pictures this past week, I revisited all of London's pictures. Some of them I see all the time. But there are many that I haven't really looked at in a while. What I've noticed is that her pictures bring about new feelings, new emotions as time passes. They used to be too painful to look at. I would sit and sob as I stared at them, and I would have to prepare myself to even look at them. Now, it's still terribly hard to look at them - to revisit that moment in time - and to be reminded of my precious, perfect little girl who was only with me for 2 days. I seriously don't know when that will ever "not" hurt. How could it not hurt? It's a part of me now. As much as I would love to not have the hurt, I kind of want it because it keeps London "real" to me and here with me. Clear as mud, right? That's grief for you.

This picture was one that hurt when I really looked at it. First of all, it shows her precious chubby cheeks, her beautifully colored skin, the dainty hair bow that she wore, the dress that I, too, wore when my mom and dad brought me home from the hospital, and the fact that she looks so much like her brothers. On the other hand, this picture hurt me when I saw it again because I could see the reminders that she had a condition that was incompatible with life. I could see the monitors, the wires, the unnatural things that make Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome so real to me. I see her little hand taped to the splint. I notice the pink arm band that covered her pick line. Her little hand looks so uncomfortable, yet I stare at it to see if her hands look like her brothers - or if they, by chance, could have looked like mine. Those things hurt.

As I share this "new" (old) picture with you, I realize that London is still a newborn - although it's been nearly 2 1/2 years ago. I realize that she is in the same dress as the other pictures of her - because that's the only outfit she ever wore. I realize that my pictures of London do not show her growing and changing, doing funny things, making sad/mad/happy faces like my boys. I realize these things...but, she's my baby. She's my princess, and as I edited this picture and zoomed in on her precious face, I just couldn't help but show her off.

As I share these feelings, this thought comes to mind, and as tough as it is to admit, it's true: "Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." I would go through it over and over again to experience the love I felt and continue to feel for my baby girl.





"Every good and perfect gift is from above..." (James 1:17)