8 years...and it still hurts

I really thought that after eight years, I would be able to handle this week better than before.  I really thought that I wouldn't need to take a personal day at work; that I could buy balloons and flowers for her grave without tears, and that I would be able to take a deep breath and move forward.  I am surrendering to the fact that it's just not going to happen that way.  It has been eight years, and I find myself broken.  My scars that have healed are aching as if they were brand new.   


It may seem strange, but although London isn't here with me, she still grows older in my mind.  Each year, I can't help but imagine what she would look like, what she would sound like.  I imagine if she would look like me when I was a little girl.  I imagine what her personality would be like.  Each year, she is older to me...she changes.  It's very surreal to think that she would be turning 8 on Friday.  Eight just seems so big to me.  She would be in 2nd grade.  She would be girly and prissy...and probably rotten like her brothers. :) 

I wonder if she'd want to have a spa birthday or a sleepover.  Her daddy would shake his head at a house full of giggly girls, I'm sure.  Maybe she would want an American Girl doll.  I don't know...I'm not in the loop with all of the girly things. 

Life continues to move on, and with every stage, London is missing.  I know this wave of grief will pass as another anniversary passes.  God is always faithful.  He has restored my heart beyond what I could have ever imagined.  Although I hate grief and the brokenness that it brings, I can't help but be thankful for it.  Grief reminds me of my love for my daughter.  It reminds me of the relationship that I long for and the bond that I know we would have.  Would I really want to be "okay" on my daughter's 8th birthday in heaven?  Would I really want to just treat it as another day and move right along?  Of course not. 

As each year passes, London grows & changes in my mind.  I relate to her differently in the things I wish for and long for.  However, I know that in time, my faith will be sight, and we truly will relish in the relationship and the precious bond that was cut far too short in this lifetime.  Heaven seems so far away right now.  My heart hurts and the tears are flooding my eyes.  Memories are vivid and my feelings are so raw.  I miss her.  I long for her: to touch her, hear her, smell her, to have loud belly laughs with her, to wipe her tears, brush her hair, buy her clothes, take cupcakes to school, plan her party, say bedtime prayers, hold her hand, twirl & dance with her, play dolls and have tea parties and watch her snuggle in her daddy's lap.  I wish her brothers knew her.  I wish I knew her. 

My heart just hurts right now.  However, even the worst pain that my heart has ever endured could never come close to the joy and love and blessings that flooded my soul the moment I saw her sweet face and held her in my arms.  No matter how hard it may be, I am blessed that the Lord chose me to be London's mommy.  Happy 8th Birthday in heaven, precious girl!!  We love you so much!!