Little things - Big impact

Isn't it true that big emotion can be sparked by little things? Whether it be compassion, excitement, anger, sadness, etc., sometimes, it just takes something "little" to create a big wave of emotion. For instance, a simple smile from someone might make your day a little brighter. One smart-alec comment from a rude co-worker might make your blood boil. You get my point, right?

Well, it seems that lately (as in, the past week), there have been a lot of little things that have made me grieve my London. Last night, I revisited a chapter in the book Life After Loss, and the chapter was on the typical timetable for grief. Now, everyone is different, but I've found that this book nailed it for me as far as when I would feel certain ways. At three months, I began feeling angry and a lot of "raw" emotions. That's what the book said I would do. At 12 months, I felt relief - like I had conquered the biggest challenge ever. That's what the book said I would feel! Lately, I've noticed that I've been grieving a lot more. I really thought I had beat this thing. I mean, of course I will always grieve my precious baby girl. I will always have a void in my heart and home that will NEVER be replaced. I will always have my moments. But...I thought I had kind of won the battle and gained control of my grief. WRONG!! Life After Loss mentions that at 18 months (or around that time), that a huge wave of emotions would hit...that grief would be raw again. Man, is that ever true for me! It has been 20 months since I held my baby girl and had to say good-bye, and lately, my grief has had a big hold on me - as if it was just a week ago. Grief is hard work. Just when I thought I had figured it out, it got me again.

Back to the little things I mentioned. Here are some things that have sparked my sadness lately. Again, they're not all "big" things, but they had a big impact on my heart.

• A friend brought her children in school last week, and her youngest daughter was born just a week before London. The little girl was playing in the hallway with her brother, twirling around, falling on the ground, laughing, talking,...just being a typical 20-month-old. It's like the moment was in slow motion as I caught myself staring down the hallway just watching her as she played and interacted with those around her. I had to go to my room and just let it all out. I missed my baby so badly, and I grieved that she would be doing the same things. How would she and Jagger be playing together now? Would they fight? Would they be best buddies? Would she have long, curly blonde locks like her brother? What would her voice sound like? It hurts to say that I'll never know.
• Another dear friend sent an email that her baby girl was born, and on the email she said "We're in LOVE!" It just sparked such emotion in me that I was SO "in love" with my London. The title of the email was "She's here!", and that's the title of the email that my sister sent to everyone when London was born! I told you it was the little things...
• Another friend shared with me that one of her favorite pictures of her daughter was one where her daughter and her husband were at a Father/Daughter tea at church. Okay, that's a normal "occasion", right? Well, for me, it's more than that. A father/daughter tea is something that Jonathan will never get to experience. He will never know what it's like to have a "daddy's girl", to dance with his baby girl, to have a tea party with his daughter, to let her fix his hair or play dolls with her, to tell her her shorts are too short (my dad used to do that!), to warn boyfriends, to walk her down the isle. He will never have that opportunity with his daughter, and I will never have the privilege of seeing my sweet husband adore his daughter in day-to-day life. That hurts!

But, will those moments truly ever end? I mean, when others are starting Kindergarten, I will think about the fact that London would be starting school. When others are driving, graduating from high school, going to prom, going to college, dating, getting married, having children - you name it - I will think about my London and that I wish I could see her doing all of those things.

For some reason, God has chosen me and my family to go through this. His ways are definitely not always my ways, but I still manage to trust in Him. I know He will help me through this difficult time, just as He has in the past.