Journal Entries (May 2008)

The journal entries that I chose to post today are from May 2008, when I was still going through a pretty intense anger stage of grief, and when we were contemplating having another child. When I read this again, I noticed how much power my emotions (and my grief) had on my daily life and my feelings. It was rough, to say the least. I also notice how my emotions were like a roller coaster...up one moment, down the next. It was a very dark part of grief...a place I never want to be again! It was a time when I can honestly say I was not myself. I felt things and said things that I would have never imagined feeling or saying! Oh, the joys of grief!!


May 19, 2008 (I didn't attach this entire entry)

...So, I sat back like a total outcast while the 2 girls had “pregnant talk”. Then, as if darts were thrown at my heart, every time I went anywhere, there was a trigger! A girl talking about telling her parents she was pregnant, talking about how her child is reacting, a girl there with a 3 month old baby, another person whose wife is pregnant with twins, another girl telling me about her 3-day-old niece. You name it! I couldn’t take another trigger, so I left. As soon as I got out of sight, I just started bawling. It was a mixture of anger, sadness, disappointment, betrayal, embarrassment; you name it…just the sickening emotions that go with this freaking part of my life! I hate it!!!!!!!!!

Part of my anger, also, is that I’m ready to move on and try to get pregnant, and Jonathan isn’t. I don’t feel like I can rest until I have another baby. Don’t get me wrong, I DON’T want to be pregnant again, and I DON’T want to go into another ultrasound room, etc., but I want another baby so badly. I’m ready to just jump into it and take the chance and get pregnant, but Jonathan wants to wait until all of the firsts are over.

One of my biggest problems is that I don’t want Jagger and his sibling to be too far apart. I know in my right mind that it really doesn’t matter. However, he and London were 2 years apart. They would have been big buddies, and to be honest, I feel like Jagger was robbed of that! I want him to have a playmate, and it’s up to me to give that to him. My inability to “fix” this has been one of the worst parts. I can’t fix it, no matter what. It’s a horrible feeling. I can’t fix it for myself; I can’t fix it for Jagger.

In my lowest, pitiful moment yesterday, I began thinking that God is punishing me! He’s teaching me a lesson. I began to feel that my future is doomed – that there are surely more horrible things to come. I know that’s awful…it’s Satan working his magic on my mind. But, it’s how I felt. I certainly hope that’s not the case, but how will I get out of this?! How can I move on? Is it because I’m not on my anxiety medication any more…things are just magnified? Is it depression, anxiety talking? I called my counselor this morning to set up an appointment. I definitely need to see her again. It’s been a while…too long, really. Hopefully she can help me with this anger stage.

Believe it or not, I actually feel some relief after writing today. In the middle of this, Jonathan came to check on me, and I vented to the maximum to him. I don’t know how people keep their feelings inside. I would croak.

May 29, 2008 (Thursday)

I know that God has helped me this week by giving me more peace and comfort, by lessening my envious feelings and/or resentful feelings towards pregnant women and new moms, by allowing me to laugh more, and to feel better about a lot of things. I am praying that God will continue to lift those negative feelings from my mind and that He will continue to just strengthen us and give us renewed hope for our future.

We have decided to try to have another baby soon. Of course, I say that with anxiety and some hesitation. But…I also say that with excitement and a sense of hope because I look forward to “loving” again, to overcoming fear, and to pursuing the life we’ve dreamed of. Without a doubt in the world, Jagger is our rock. He is a gift far greater than anything we could possibly deserve. We know that. But, we also know that we want another baby and we want Jagger to have a sibling. We had so much love inside us when London was born. We gave her 2 days of unconditional love. There’s still so much love to give, though. We want that fulfillment of having a house full of children, if that’s God’s will. I trust that God has good things in store for us, and it’s nice to look forward to good things again.

One thing is for sure. I am REALLY looking forward to summer break. I think that will allow us to reduce our stress level, to have more fun, and to have a “brighter” outlook on things. I am slowly, but surely learning to manage my extreme emotions in a healthier way without letting them overwhelm me. I’m not that good at it yet, but I know I’m getting better. It definitely helps that I have such wonderful, encouraging and Christian friends and family who are there for us – cheering us on and praying for us.