Blessings!

"Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress." Psalm 107:6

How comforting to know that we can cry out to the Lord in our times of trouble, and he is able to deliver us from our distress. I know first hand, as you do also, that he does not always deliver us from our distresses in the way that we would like. However, he is always there with us as we go through the storms of this life.

But...what about those times when God's plan is totally in tune with our plan? It's an incredible feeling when a prayer is answered the way that we had hoped for. I guess part of the satisfaction is because we're human and selfish! God knows that, though, and it's just awesome when you truly pray for something and God answers the prayer the way we want. Well, that happened today!

If you've read my recent posts, you saw where my great friends, Ginny and Robbie, were being faced with yet another huge storm. Robbie was diagnosed with cancer. From all of the scans, they had decided that it was Hodgkin's Lymphoma. However, they wanted to get a better sample for a biopsy. Last week when Robbie had the biopsy, the surgeon told them that it actually didn't look like cancer to him - that perhaps it was just scar tissue from a previous infection. As you can imagine, they were relieved to an extent, but still nervous awaiting the official test results. Today, Ginny called me and said that they got the results from the biopsy, and it is NOT cancer!!! Praise God!! She had such relief in her voice, and now just wants her life back. As I mentioned previously, Ginny lost a baby last year, was on bed rest this entire pregnancy, lost her father the week before her new baby boy was born, and then her husband was basically diagnosed with cancer. It has been quite a treacherous ride for them, and now they look forward to enjoying every moment with Maddox (their baby) and each other. Thank you so much for those of you who prayed for Robbie. Maybe it was a misdiagnosis...or maybe God answered our prayers and truly performed a miracle. Either way, PRAISE GOD!!!

Hard times truly make us appreciate the little things. They make us enjoy each moment with those we love and not take anything for granted. I guess most of us would say that we wish there were no hardships in this life (wouldn't that be nice!), but if that were the case, then how would we truly ever learn the magnitude of God's power and his blessings? Don't get me wrong, I'd like to think that losing my baby is enough hurt for one lifetime for me. It would be nice to know that I'll never hurt again, but that's not how it works - unfortunately. After all, our sufferings bring us closer to God.

So, for today, I say rejoice in the good news and the blessings that God gives us. It doesn't have to be a pardon from a serious illness. Sometimes its as simple as being able to get out of the bed, hug the people you love, and simply live life. That is a blessing!

Oh...one more blessing is that Jonathan and I celebrated our 6th anniversary on Sunday! He didn't get all of the attention on Father's Day!! He had to share the day with me...poor thing :)

New random pictures :)

Happy 1st Birthday Connor! This is my cousin Brian's little boy, and we celebrated his first birthday last week. How precious is he?!


Jonathan and Jack


Happy 73rd Birthday, Uncle Walt!! This is my mom and aunt Cely with Uncle Walt, my late grandfather's only living brother. He's wonderful and hilarious!

Jagger, Bella, Reese, and Addie at Dora Live in Louisville. They had a blast, and Diego was even there! Jagger was excited.

Jack's first time in his exersaucer (is that how you spell that?). He was a little wobbly, but he liked it...well, he liked it for about 2 minutes!

Me and Jagger at Dora Live. I think Jagger was tired of smiling...what do you think?!

Jack...is he cute or what? Oh, he's so rotten!

Brotherly love :)

Since Jack is Mr. High Maintenance, we have to pull out all of our tricks to keep him happy most of the time! Jagger has become really good at singing "Rock A Bye Baby", and I caught him in action. Actually, Jack wasn't even throwing a fit this time!! Click on the title of this post to see brotherly love at its best!

Journal Entries (May 2008)

The journal entries that I chose to post today are from May 2008, when I was still going through a pretty intense anger stage of grief, and when we were contemplating having another child. When I read this again, I noticed how much power my emotions (and my grief) had on my daily life and my feelings. It was rough, to say the least. I also notice how my emotions were like a roller coaster...up one moment, down the next. It was a very dark part of grief...a place I never want to be again! It was a time when I can honestly say I was not myself. I felt things and said things that I would have never imagined feeling or saying! Oh, the joys of grief!!


May 19, 2008 (I didn't attach this entire entry)

...So, I sat back like a total outcast while the 2 girls had “pregnant talk”. Then, as if darts were thrown at my heart, every time I went anywhere, there was a trigger! A girl talking about telling her parents she was pregnant, talking about how her child is reacting, a girl there with a 3 month old baby, another person whose wife is pregnant with twins, another girl telling me about her 3-day-old niece. You name it! I couldn’t take another trigger, so I left. As soon as I got out of sight, I just started bawling. It was a mixture of anger, sadness, disappointment, betrayal, embarrassment; you name it…just the sickening emotions that go with this freaking part of my life! I hate it!!!!!!!!!

Part of my anger, also, is that I’m ready to move on and try to get pregnant, and Jonathan isn’t. I don’t feel like I can rest until I have another baby. Don’t get me wrong, I DON’T want to be pregnant again, and I DON’T want to go into another ultrasound room, etc., but I want another baby so badly. I’m ready to just jump into it and take the chance and get pregnant, but Jonathan wants to wait until all of the firsts are over.

One of my biggest problems is that I don’t want Jagger and his sibling to be too far apart. I know in my right mind that it really doesn’t matter. However, he and London were 2 years apart. They would have been big buddies, and to be honest, I feel like Jagger was robbed of that! I want him to have a playmate, and it’s up to me to give that to him. My inability to “fix” this has been one of the worst parts. I can’t fix it, no matter what. It’s a horrible feeling. I can’t fix it for myself; I can’t fix it for Jagger.

In my lowest, pitiful moment yesterday, I began thinking that God is punishing me! He’s teaching me a lesson. I began to feel that my future is doomed – that there are surely more horrible things to come. I know that’s awful…it’s Satan working his magic on my mind. But, it’s how I felt. I certainly hope that’s not the case, but how will I get out of this?! How can I move on? Is it because I’m not on my anxiety medication any more…things are just magnified? Is it depression, anxiety talking? I called my counselor this morning to set up an appointment. I definitely need to see her again. It’s been a while…too long, really. Hopefully she can help me with this anger stage.

Believe it or not, I actually feel some relief after writing today. In the middle of this, Jonathan came to check on me, and I vented to the maximum to him. I don’t know how people keep their feelings inside. I would croak.

May 29, 2008 (Thursday)

I know that God has helped me this week by giving me more peace and comfort, by lessening my envious feelings and/or resentful feelings towards pregnant women and new moms, by allowing me to laugh more, and to feel better about a lot of things. I am praying that God will continue to lift those negative feelings from my mind and that He will continue to just strengthen us and give us renewed hope for our future.

We have decided to try to have another baby soon. Of course, I say that with anxiety and some hesitation. But…I also say that with excitement and a sense of hope because I look forward to “loving” again, to overcoming fear, and to pursuing the life we’ve dreamed of. Without a doubt in the world, Jagger is our rock. He is a gift far greater than anything we could possibly deserve. We know that. But, we also know that we want another baby and we want Jagger to have a sibling. We had so much love inside us when London was born. We gave her 2 days of unconditional love. There’s still so much love to give, though. We want that fulfillment of having a house full of children, if that’s God’s will. I trust that God has good things in store for us, and it’s nice to look forward to good things again.

One thing is for sure. I am REALLY looking forward to summer break. I think that will allow us to reduce our stress level, to have more fun, and to have a “brighter” outlook on things. I am slowly, but surely learning to manage my extreme emotions in a healthier way without letting them overwhelm me. I’m not that good at it yet, but I know I’m getting better. It definitely helps that I have such wonderful, encouraging and Christian friends and family who are there for us – cheering us on and praying for us.

Jack laughing at Daddy!

If you click on the title of this post, you can see Jack laughing at his daddy! There's nothing sweeter than a baby's laugh! Jack is starting to laugh a lot! I hope this makes you crack up, too :)

He's God...He can handle it!!

There have been times in my life when I thought - for a moment - that maybe God was angry with me...that surely He wouldn't just allow certain things to happen just because! There has to be a reason, right? Have you ever pictured God as a big, gigantic wizard in Heaven who has a big zapper, and He's ready to ZAP you at any second?! Haven't we all thought of Him in such a way...that He's just ready to strike us if we mess up. That's what some of us have been taught, and it's what some of us have grown to believe because of certain circumstances in our life that seem to go hand in hand with the idea that we're being zapped or punished!

As a Christian, I know and believe that God does punish - that I must fear Him...not be scared of Him, but that I must respect His power and His might. I believe that there are times when God gets my attention by giving me challenges and hardships. However, I will not stand to believe that God is ready to ZAP me when I mess up! Unfortunately, our world is so broken. It's not how He planned it, but it's how it has ended up.

Lots of things in life are just not fair! The fact that my precious little girl had only half of a heart isn't fair! The fact that I cannot be with her is NOT FAIR! The fact that innocent people are killed in war isn't fair! The fact that over 200 people died in a plane crash this week isn't fair! Lots of things are not fair, and it makes life hard.

Just this week, dear friends of mine, Ginny and Robbie, have been faced with yet another unthinkable, unfair challenge. I met Ginny just over a year ago because she lost her precious baby boy at 21 weeks because of an incompetent cervix. We began meeting at each other's homes every other week just to support each other. Finally, Ginny got pregnant again, and was put on bedrest at 13 weeks until 37 weeks when her doctor told her she could start gaining her strength back. She was so excited to have made it that far! Then, the same week she got off of bedrest, her father died suddenly in the middle of the night. Exactly one week later, on April 30, she gave birth to another precious - and completely healthy - baby boy, Maddox! He came at a time when she and her family needed something to make them smile! Just as she and her husband were adjusting to parenthood, her husband went to the doctor with some concerns with his stomach. After several tests were given, Robbie just found out this week that he has cancer. He does not know what type of cancer yet, but he knows there is cancerous activity in his body. So, WHY GOD, WHY? Hasn't this poor family been through enough? Why can't they just enjoy their newborn baby boy without more hurt and devastation? They're great, Christian people. They're young and fun...Robbie's only 28.

Is it okay to question God? Some would say No. You know what, I disagree. I think it's perfectly human and expected that we question God. He is our Father. He created us for goodness sake. We're human, imperfect, tainted, and nothing without Him...so, why shouldn't we be able to question His ways? He's God, and He can handle it! He knows we hurt, and He knows that we do not understand. I think the closest I ever get to God is when I pour my heart out to him - the good, bad, and the ugly - and I do not keep one thought away from Him (not that I could, anyway!).

So, my advice is...Tell Him how you feel! He listens, He knows, He understands, and He's not there to ZAP you just because you let your guard down with Him and show Him your true, human emotions.

And, please...pray for Robbie, Ginny, their precious baby Maddox, that they would be comforted and strengthened during this time, and ultimately that Robbie would be healed! Thank you!

Pictures :)

As you can probably tell, I love pictures! I guess I post pictures a lot because I think of my blog as a book, and who wants to read a book without pictures?!! I mean, I guess that's why I can read a magazine from cover to cover, but you won't find me reading a novel for pleasure!! Sorry to all of you readers out there :) Okay, okay...I read my Bible, of course, and I read my devotionals, and I read self-help books, but that's about the extent of my reading without pictures!! You get my point :)

Jack got his first pair of swimming trunks and a cool surf shirt! His hat was WAY too big as you can tell.

Okay, this is one of those pictures that tells a story :) Instead of "Where's Waldo?", the question is "Where's Jagger?" This is his playroom, and NO...the rest of my house does not look like this, I promise! The tornado/dump/disaster area is actually contained to his playroom! So, did you find him??? Yes, that's him sitting in front of his T.V. with a cardboard box around him, under a Spiderman umbrella with a blanket on top of it. Now, that's some creativity!!

Jagger was "helping" Daddy put up a tent. We're finally out of school for the summer, so Jonathan and Jagger celebrated by camping out! I think Jagger loves the tent better than he would a four-star hotel!

Little things - Big impact

Isn't it true that big emotion can be sparked by little things? Whether it be compassion, excitement, anger, sadness, etc., sometimes, it just takes something "little" to create a big wave of emotion. For instance, a simple smile from someone might make your day a little brighter. One smart-alec comment from a rude co-worker might make your blood boil. You get my point, right?

Well, it seems that lately (as in, the past week), there have been a lot of little things that have made me grieve my London. Last night, I revisited a chapter in the book Life After Loss, and the chapter was on the typical timetable for grief. Now, everyone is different, but I've found that this book nailed it for me as far as when I would feel certain ways. At three months, I began feeling angry and a lot of "raw" emotions. That's what the book said I would do. At 12 months, I felt relief - like I had conquered the biggest challenge ever. That's what the book said I would feel! Lately, I've noticed that I've been grieving a lot more. I really thought I had beat this thing. I mean, of course I will always grieve my precious baby girl. I will always have a void in my heart and home that will NEVER be replaced. I will always have my moments. But...I thought I had kind of won the battle and gained control of my grief. WRONG!! Life After Loss mentions that at 18 months (or around that time), that a huge wave of emotions would hit...that grief would be raw again. Man, is that ever true for me! It has been 20 months since I held my baby girl and had to say good-bye, and lately, my grief has had a big hold on me - as if it was just a week ago. Grief is hard work. Just when I thought I had figured it out, it got me again.

Back to the little things I mentioned. Here are some things that have sparked my sadness lately. Again, they're not all "big" things, but they had a big impact on my heart.

• A friend brought her children in school last week, and her youngest daughter was born just a week before London. The little girl was playing in the hallway with her brother, twirling around, falling on the ground, laughing, talking,...just being a typical 20-month-old. It's like the moment was in slow motion as I caught myself staring down the hallway just watching her as she played and interacted with those around her. I had to go to my room and just let it all out. I missed my baby so badly, and I grieved that she would be doing the same things. How would she and Jagger be playing together now? Would they fight? Would they be best buddies? Would she have long, curly blonde locks like her brother? What would her voice sound like? It hurts to say that I'll never know.
• Another dear friend sent an email that her baby girl was born, and on the email she said "We're in LOVE!" It just sparked such emotion in me that I was SO "in love" with my London. The title of the email was "She's here!", and that's the title of the email that my sister sent to everyone when London was born! I told you it was the little things...
• Another friend shared with me that one of her favorite pictures of her daughter was one where her daughter and her husband were at a Father/Daughter tea at church. Okay, that's a normal "occasion", right? Well, for me, it's more than that. A father/daughter tea is something that Jonathan will never get to experience. He will never know what it's like to have a "daddy's girl", to dance with his baby girl, to have a tea party with his daughter, to let her fix his hair or play dolls with her, to tell her her shorts are too short (my dad used to do that!), to warn boyfriends, to walk her down the isle. He will never have that opportunity with his daughter, and I will never have the privilege of seeing my sweet husband adore his daughter in day-to-day life. That hurts!

But, will those moments truly ever end? I mean, when others are starting Kindergarten, I will think about the fact that London would be starting school. When others are driving, graduating from high school, going to prom, going to college, dating, getting married, having children - you name it - I will think about my London and that I wish I could see her doing all of those things.

For some reason, God has chosen me and my family to go through this. His ways are definitely not always my ways, but I still manage to trust in Him. I know He will help me through this difficult time, just as He has in the past.