Thankful & Blessed

As an elementary teacher, I absolutely love my summer breaks! I love watching TV in my bed head, drinking my coffee, getting on the computer. I love spending time with my two wild and wonderful boys. Well, the fighting, screaming, biting (Jack's latest), and crying does get a little old, but I wouldn't trade the time off with them for anything. With Jonathan and me both being teachers (at the same school, I might add), we get to have a lot of family time in the summer, so I am thankful for that.

Having said that, we just have 2 more days of freedom until another school year begins. I am always reluctant to begin and a little bitter to give up my summer freedom! But...I have to admit that I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. And I also must admit that we - as a family - do better with a routine! We go and blow and spend too much money when we're off! The boys will go into shock to have a bedtime again!

This year will be a bit different. Jagger will be in kindergarten!! Our baby is going to school! He went to the kindergarten open house and kindergarten "kick-off" and loved it! He was actually so annoyed by me...my camera in his face, my licking my finger to wipe the breakfast off his mouth...you know, all the typical mom stuff! He is ready, and he's excited, so I guess I am, too :) In fact, although it's hard to let my baby go into the independent phase of his life, the bigger picture reveals the many blessings in this phase! I realize that I am richly blessed that my son is here, that he is healthy and happy and independent, and that I can witness this moment. I can watch him spike his hair with entirely too much gel because it's "cool like that". I can allow him some freedom to dress himself and feel like a big kid. I can watch him walk into school with his monogrammed back pack and Lightning McQueen lunch box. I can enjoy his big cheesy grin that's missing 3 teeth already!!

As I type this and think about the sweet blessings of this moment in time, I am just overwhelmed with God's goodness and His grace. I tell you...I never thought that I would get to this point. I never dreamed that I would truly smile again, laugh again, have joy in my heart again after London died. I never thought that I could bask in happy moments without dwelling on London "not being there". I am so thankful to be able to say that - after nearly four years - I really do feel happy. I really do have joy. I really do have a belly laugh again that is contagious! There is finally joy in my heart again and a real smile on my face!

Well, let me say this...at this moment as I type and speak these words to myself, I actually have tears rolling down my face! I feel overwhelmed with thankfulness and joy. Of course, I am sad that my sweet baby girl is not here. Well, she wouldn't be a baby...she would be a little diva who is expecting her fourth birthday! I am sad that she is not bouncing around with her blond hair and big blue eyes - laughing, talking, bothering her brothers or loving on them! The truth is that my heart will ALWAYS ache for her. The void in my heart - the hole in my heart - may be "patched" as life goes on, but it will never truly heal until I hold her in heaven some day. Then, I will be complete.

But, for this life, I am finally doing well. That doesn't mean that I don't have my moments...sort of like today...I was filling out Jagger's kindergarten paperwork, and one of the papers asked about our family and wanted to know how many children are in our family. I hesitated to put "2" on the paper because I felt guilty for leaving London out. But...I did. I realize that life goes on, and I have to embrace life as it is. It is life with 2 boys. Life with lots of dirt and swords and dump trucks and wrestling and lots of blue. It is life with balls and bats and frogs and worms and mismatched t-shirts and shorts. And, you know what? I love my life. I love my boys. I love everything that comes with the territory.

I do wish that we had a pretty princess room in our home filled with pink and purple and bows and dresses and baby dolls. But - I'm finally "okay" that there is no pink in our home. It took me a long time to get here emotionally. And, let me say, it does still put my stomach in knots to talk about it, but I'm okay. I can handle it.

I always meditated on these two verses, and I still love them. The first is "Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning." ~Psalm 30:5

The other is "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." ~Jeremiah 29:11

I am a living testimony that God keeps His promises! Trust in Him - in the good and the bad - and your weeping will turn to joy! Never lose hope!