She would be 2...

Two years ago today, we were blessed with this beautiful baby girl. London was born at 3:02 pm, weighed 7 pounds, 11 ounces and was 20.5 inches long. We were and still are so proud.


London had little tight lips as she clenched during her "photo shoot"!


This was the last picture that was taken of our baby...just moments before she was taken into surgery.


London being weighed for the first time in the delivery room. This scale said 7-12, but the "official" scale in the nursery said 7-11...who knows!



Proud parents...and one pretty little girl.


I love this one because London was making a hilarious face when I tried to put her passy in her mouth, but she didn't want it.

She almost opened her eyes in this picture. Her pink passy is in her special box at home.

Sleeping Beauty... Need I say more?

Daddy's girl

London's first moments...

How do I even begin? My heart is so heavy today - and has been for several days now as I have anticipated London's 2nd birthday. We just visited our baby girl's grave and took her a dozen pink roses like we did last year on her birthday. When Jagger asked how we can tell London Happy Birthday, I told him that he and Jack can send her balloons with a birthday message attached, and they'll float all the way to heaven. I told him that we can pray and ask God to give London a message for us, and I told her that we can talk to her at her special place (her grave), and she can hear us. How else should I answer my four year old?

All of these things are ways that we try to get close to her. We imagine that we have a connection with London by doing these things. Our human nature wants so badly to believe that she knows us, that she can hear us, that she is aware that we are celebrating her life with us and grieving her 2 years without us. We yearn for her and wish so badly that we could experience the same closeness with her that we have with Jagger and Jack.

As I've posted before, the song "Held" by Natalie Grant mentions that "This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the SACRED is torn from your life, and you survive." Days like today, I realize that I am being held by my Father...that the only way we can survive having our baby girl "torn" from our lives after 9 months in my womb and 2 days in our arms is because of the peace and comfort that He gives us.

I was having a rough night last night, and it was very fitting that my devotion last night was on Heaven and how we cannot even fathom how incredible Heaven will be. That God has created this REAL place for us as the ultimate reward for loving Him and trusting in Him while we're here on earth. I was reminded last night as I grieved my daughter that she is enjoying those riches right now. She's in God's presence in the most glorious place ever created, and here I am wishing she were back here in this place where there's hurt, pain, disease, disappointment, etc. Who would want to come back to this place?! I'm selfish as her Mommy, but she's in better hands right now. I needed that reminder last night to realize, once again, that I really WILL see her again. I'm very impatient, and this is the longest I will have to wait for something I want so badly, but it WILL happen.

I've wondered what theme her party would have tonight, what hilariously cute outfit I would put on her, how I would fix her hair for the big event, what toys she would get, how she would react to the festivities (after all, at 2 she would realize that it's all about her!), what friends would come to her party, how her brothers would react to her...should I go on?

It's very difficult to accept the reality that we will never know. That's it. It's all in my imagination - in my dreams because we will NEVER know all of those things. Broken hearts and broken dreams. That is what we will always have. However, our hearts can be mended - scarred, but mended. Our broken dreams of life with London are being replaced with dreams of life with Jagger and Jack. Life goes on - it definitely doesn't cater to our heartache, and that's okay I guess.

God has given us so many reasons to smile. He has blessed Jonathan and me with a wonderful marriage, with 2 healthy little boys, with a beautiful daughter whom we will see in time, and a wonderful support system through friends, family and church.

As we grieve today and throughout each year, we are well aware of the blessings that have been richly bestowed upon us, and we will not take them for granted. But, for today, we boldly profess our grief and our pain that comes with losing our precious baby girl. We celebrate this day, 2 years ago, when we finally got to see her precious face, hold her precious body, hear her precious cries and grunts, feel her sweet breath on our cheeks, sing to her, pray over her, read to her, and have hope for her life. Her life was short, but so meaningful.

As I said at her funeral, "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." London didn't have a great number of breaths, but the moments we had with her took our breath away, and we will always be grateful for those moments.

I leave you with one of my favorite poems that I printed and put on my refrigerator when my grandfather died 5 years ago, and it has brought me comfort and peace so many times since then.

What God Has Promised

God has not promised

skies always blue,

Flower strewn pathways

all our lives through.

God has not promised

sun without rain,

Joy without sorrow

or peace without pain.

But God has promised

strength for the day,

Rest for the laborer

and light on the way.

He promised grace for the trial

and help from above,
Unfailing sympathy

undying love.

~ Author Unknown