I forget how tough...

For the past week or so, I have felt like a pressure cooker. I've been tense, my anxiety has bothered me - more than usual. I have had bad dreams. I have had bad thoughts...thoughts that I would rather forget because they take me back "there". I have been sad and blue and have found myself overflowing with emotions and tears lately. I am just sad. I miss London so terribly. Not that I don't miss her terribly all the time...but, most of the time I can deal with it. Most of the time, I can shake it off and move on and go about my business with a smile on my face. Lately, it's just hard.

It's September 5, and all I can think about it that London would be 4 this coming Sunday. Four? I just can't believe it. You would think that as each year passes, it would get easier to endure her birthday. However, I'm struggling just as bad this year as I did her first birthday. There's just something about her birthday that puts my loss into perspective. It reminds me of what I'm missing. It makes me wonder what she would look like, what her voice would sound like, what kind of birthday party she would want.

When I was pregnant with London, I often wondered how I would manage her birthday and Jagger's birthday being so close ( Jagger's is the 7th). Would we have one big party? Would we party for a week straight doing his party and her party and school parties and family parties?! I've been thinking about that as we've prepared for Jagger's 6th birthday. His birthday is always so bittersweet to me. I know that may sound bad, but I'm just being honest. I try my best to focus on him and enjoy the moment, but I still think about how London is just 4 days behind him...and there is no party for her. There is no celebration. I know I know...in heaven she's celebrating. I know that, and I am so thankful to know that. But...moments like this are hard - regardless of the peace of mind that heaven gives me. I want her HERE...NOW!!

Why is it that the anticipation of something is often worse than the day itself? Tonight as I put Jack to sleep in his room (London's room), I found myself tearing up...again...when I looked at the spot where I fell to my knees and begged and pleaded with God to heal her...to perform a miracle on her little heart. It was just days before she was born, and I was so scared and so excited to meet her, but so hopeful, yet nervous and anxious. I felt everything all at once...but I just wanted her to be okay. Rarely do I ever think about that when I put Jack to bed...but I did tonight.

Tonight, Jack was throwing a fit. He was grumpy and clingy and screaming about everything...just one of those nights...and I just couldn't handle it since I was just emotional anyway. I went out and sat in my car and listened to Third Day and just bawled my eyes out...out loud...and talked to London and prayed to God. I tasted my tears for the first time in a long time. I let them fall without wiping them. I grieved without reservation, and it felt good.

Why would I think about London's little body being in her casket? I did tonight. Why would I beat myself up over leaving her hospital room the few times that I did...not knowing at the time that those were moments I would never get back. I thought of that tonight. I thought of the words I spoke to her in her little ear as the nurses wheeled her into the operating room...the last words I said to her. I thought of the feeling I had when Jonathan, Jagger and I - and our whole family - had to solemnly walk out of Cincinnati Children's Hospital without London. I thought of how I felt when people who hadn't seen me in a while would ask how my baby was doing. I thought about her clothes and shoes and blankets and furniture...still nestled in my parents' basement.

Jagger said yesterday that he wishes he was alive when I was a kid. I didn't really follow him at first. He tends to get really imaginative :) When I asked him why, he said because if he were alive when I was a kid, then he would have gotten to see baby London. Well, regardless of whether his thought makes a lot of sense or not, I know that he just wishes he could have met his baby sister. That's all. And I grieve that. I wish he would have met her and held her and kissed her and talked to her. I just shake my head in complete sadness at that reality. We just didn't know at the time. If only we would have known. Well, if we would have known, then a lot of things would have been different.

I really do promise - as I've said so many times before - that I am doing so well. God had been so good to me. I'm in a valley right now, but I have faith that it's not a deep valley...and it will not last long. I remember a time - a very long duration of time - when I just didn't know if I would ever smile again. I didn't have joy, happiness, laughter, and peace. I doubted my future and God's plans for me. I felt robbed and bitter and betrayed. But God...that's a big statement because it's what saved me. But God...He was there and gave me hope and peace and comfort. He slowly but surely restored my hope and my faith and my trust in Him. I began to smile again and laugh again. That doesn't mean that I don't have my moments - or that I won't have my moments for as long as I live. But it does mean that God has renewed my spirit in a way that I never thought was possible.

I love the Footprints in the Sand poem because it explains exactly how I felt when London died. Now, with hind sight, I realize that when I felt so alone and abandoned by God, it was He who was carrying me and loving me and comforting me. He never left me.

I know this wave of emotions will pass. I will get through this birthday and "angel day" season once again. London was only in my arms for 2 days, but she and I were "one" for 9 months. I knew her habits, her schedule (wild in the middle of the night). I knew how much she loved to hear her Poppy play the piano. I know she knew my voice and she knew I loved her. I know she loved her daddy's songs as he sang them softly in her ear. She knew love. That's all we could ask for. London will be in my heart forever, and I will live my life honoring her and the ONE who gave her to us.