Just having a moment

As I look out my window this morning, it's dreary and raining. Maybe that's one reason why my mood is just down today. Maybe not. I think that the dreariness just adds to the real reason that my emotions have been more sensitive the past few days. I remember last year around this time, I struggled. Let's just put it this way...have you seen all the PINK around lately?? Easter is next week, and everywhere you go, it just oozes pink and flowers and girly and angelic and girly (did I say that already?). Don't get me wrong, the precious little boy Easter outfits are just as sweet, but you've got to admit, it's all about pink right now! I've said it a million times on this blog, but man...at these times, I just miss her so terribly. I just ache for her. I ache to choose the perfect Easter dress, prissy shoes, hair bow, the perfect Easter gift. I ache to see her in her dress between her two handsome brothers. I think about taking their pictures together...would they would be smiling sweetly for the camera? Would one be looking at me while another pulled her hair? Would she be pinching her brother because he looked at her wrong? :) I just think about those every day "life" things. Not just the perfect - everybody's happy - moments. But, the funny, brother/sister moments like loving one moment, arguing the next! Today, one of my very best friends is having a "Bunny Brunch" for her little girl's birthday. Is that not the sweetest idea? The boys are excited. It will be so precious. However, in this moment, I can't help but wish London could be here. Not that heaven doesn't compare to a Bunny Brunch (ha ha), but for me! I'm the one who's missing out. I wish I could see her face in moments like that. I wish I could pick out the most adorable outfit for the occasion. I'm just sad. Most of the time, I can look at London's pictures in our home, and I just pass by because I'm "fine", or I'll touch them and move on, or I'll simply grin and go about my business. Other times - like today - I just stare and notice every detail. I notice her little button nose, her chubby cheeks, her lips that look just like her brothers'. I look at her precious dark hair and think about the "wisp of hair" that I have in a tiny zip-lock bag in her special box upstairs - that the nurses gave us when she died. I know, I know...how sad and depressing. That's just where I am right now. Instead of thinking about what pretty arrangement I can buy for her grave this season, I instead have thought - this morning - about the moment at her funeral when I finally reached the car to leave, and Jonathan stood beside me and said, "I want to help them put her in the ground," and he stayed and helped lower her little white casket into the ground. He helped shovel the dirt onto the pink roses that remained. It's what felt "right" to him at that moment. I know what you're thinking...come on, Ashlee, that is just ridiculously sad!!! And I say...I know it is!! I'm just telling you where my thoughts have gone this morning. When I have moments like this (or a couple of days like this), those memories and thoughts and feelings just come back, and it's hard. Praise the Lord that feeling like this does not linger like it used to. It doesn't cripple me any more. Tomorrow - or even later on today - I will be fine. A good friend of mine who lost her brother to suicide once told me that those feelings are tucked away in her "pocket", and she keeps them there until she needs to pull them out again. That's a good way of thinking of it, in my opinion. The feelings are always right there, but I don't take them out all of the time. They're there if and when I need them. Even in the midst of struggling a bit, I can say that I've made gains lately...2, actually. The first gain was last week when I took pictures of my dear friends' little girls. I wanted their pictures to be just perfect. I brought props and had ideas for sweet little poses and settings. One of the props that I brought was an antique-green little rocking chair. That little chair has been in my parents' basement for the past 3 1/2 years under a blue tarp with all of the rest of London's things. Before, I wouldn't dare touch her things - and especially wouldn't use her things for another child (especially another little girl). Well...I did. I love my friend, and I love her girls, and it just felt right. Plus, it made for some sweet pictures! I was proud of myself for being able to take that step. The second gain that I made was that I used one of London's gift bags for a little girl gift. I still have every single gift bag that I received for my baby showers for London. They have not been touched. Well, until last night. I actually sorted through them and picked a precious little gift bag - a very pink, prissy one, I might add - for my friend's little girl. It tugged at my heart a bit, but I'm okay, and I'm not going to switch the bag! It's a small step, but a very big step for me. My point is that even though things trigger my grief and sadness - and always will, I'm sure - God continues to help me move forward, to make gains, to grow stronger. He continues to bless me, to give me comfort and strength and joy and happiness and peace. For that, I am so thankful! Okay, want to hear something funny? In a boys' world (that I'm in), here's a couple of funny things lately that the boys have done. Our babysitter asked Jack if he wanted to use the potty this week. She asked him because he was standing very still with a painful look as his face turned bright red!!! Hmmm...wonder what he was doing?!! His response to her - with a grunt- was "Nodda day (shaking his head 'no'), I poop my diapuh." Why would you choose to poop in your diaper instead of going to the potty?! In due time, I guess :) Jagger is totally into role play, and he loves the show Man vs. Wild with Bear Grylls -an extreme outdoorsman that has to survive in the most challenging environments. Anyway, he was playing on his swing set and hanging onto the slide as if he was holding on to a mountain and didn't want to fall thousands of feet below (like Bear Grylls). So, I was "narrating" in an English accent (because Bear is from England), and Jagger was just loving it. We had to do it over and over and over and over and over...okay, you get the point. Then, I noticed that he asked me again to "Nanavate". "Come on, Mommy, I want you to nanavate for me because I'm gonna pretend I'm jumping out of an airplane!" So, friends...the next time you hear of a narrator, you can just call it a "Nanavator"!! They crack me up! Until next time...