Four Plus an Angel: September 2010

The past week has been packed with big moments. Big wonderful moments. First of all, my sister got married last Saturday, and she's finally incredibly happy. The day was gorgeous, and it was the perfect outdoor celebration! On Tuesday, Jagger turned 5!! I can't believe my baby is already 5 years old! When he was a baby, one of my friends told me that every stage, every age of having children is better than the last! I can honestly say that, although it's unbelievable that he's already 5, his age, his personality, sayings, his wit, his humor and laughter...everything about Jagger...is even better than ever! He has a gentle spirit, a kind heart, he is forgiving, tolerant, loving, and respectful. He's just a great kid, and I am so thankful for him!

Just as unbelievable as it is that Jagger is 5, it is equally as unbelievable that London would be 3 today. How have 3 years passed by so quickly? It's been 3 years since I held her, talked to her, smelled her, listened to her grunt, breathe, whimper and cry. It's been three years since my hopes and dreams and wishes for my miracle baby girl were shattered and destroyed. It's been three years since everything I ever believed in and trusted in was turned upside down, challenged, and tested to the max.

I never ever in a million years believed that I would endure the loss of a child. And when it happened, I never believed that I would survive it. I never believed that I would ever smile again, laugh again, and enjoy life again. People used to say that time heals. Honestly, I wanted to knock them out three years ago! Now...I believe them. After three years, I'm not completely "healed", but oh my goodness...I am so much farther than I was three years ago. I look back and I can say I survived, I endured, I can smile, I have laughter and joy again. In fact, I used to meditate on the verse Psalm 30:5 which says, "Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning." I used to hope that it were true...that I would have joy again and that the black clouds would roll away. Thankfully, it is true, and God does comfort the broken hearted.

Now, let me assure you...I am still sad. I am so sad today. I have cried my eyes out today, and the anticipation of this day has brought many tears for the past few days. My heart is still broken. My heart still aches for London...to hold her, talk to her, listen to her voice, to hear her laughter. To see the love between her and her brothers...and to see her annoy them, too! I wish I could see her priss around in girly outfits and bows and high heels, while carrying purses and baby dolls! I missed out on that! All I can do is imagine. All I can say is "I wonder" or "What if". Most of the time, this reality is bearable. My grief is not triggered as easily as it used to be. I can tolerate seeing baby girls now, seeing girl clothes in the store, and even buying baby gifts. I have come to terms with the fact that I will always be outnumbered in a house full of boys!! My girly sidekick is not here, and she never will be. But...my boys are equally as wonderful and awesome and precious! It's just that she is not here with them.

It's not about having a girl or a boy. It's about carrying my precious baby for 9 months, feeling her kick and move, learning her personality in the womb, and anticipating her arrival - only to have her torn from my life after just two days. It's about making every careful decision to try to ensure that London got the best medical care she could get...thinking that our decisions would "save her". Then, the tragic reality that I/we could not "control" the outcome. Nothing we did really mattered. That's how "small" we were in the grand scheme of things. What a wake up call it was.

The loss of London really challenged my relationship with Christ. At first, I felt so betrayed by Him, so let down, cheated, punished, mistreated...you name it. I went through a very difficult stage where I was SO angry at God. I was just so disappointed and hurt at Him - mainly because my world was turned upside down, my heart was ripped to shreds, and I could not understand WHY!!

The best advice I ever received regarding my anger was from my grief counselor. She told me that I should tell God exactly how I feel because He already knows how I feel, and He knows that I don't understand, and HE CAN HANDLE IT because he's God and He loves me anyway! Wow...that was a weight off my shoulders! I felt so guilty for being mad at Him. After a while, I slowly began to trust Him again, to believe in my heart that He wants good things for me, that He wants me to be happy. It took a while, though, and it definitely wasn't easy.

At the same time, I learned that when you hit rock-bottom, God is the only thing that can help you! Although I didn't understand His ways, He was ALL I had. My family couldn't fix it. I couldn't fix it. The only thing that could "fix" my broken heart was God. I heard a song by Natalie Grant called "Held" which says, "This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive. This is what it means to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything failed you'd be held." This song was and is still so true for me.

I still cannot understand - nor will I ever truly understand God's reasoning for giving and taking my London so soon. I will always have a huge void in my heart and in my home for my beautiful baby girl. I will ALWAYS wonder, imagine and dream of what life would be like with her in it. I will always have a scar from my broken heart. The hurt and the pain may get easier with time, but the scar will always be there. And I have to say that I'm okay with that.

I'm okay with that because I never ever want London to be forgotten. Her life has changed me forever. Because of London, I strive to capture every moment with my family, I hang on to every milestone, every precious saying from my boys, I care more, I am more sensitive to others' situations, and life is simply so much more precious to me now. Heaven means more than ever to me now. My salvation and certainty of my relationship with Christ means even more now. It's so "real" now because I know with all of my heart that London is there! Praise the Lord that this is NOT the end! I cannot imagine living life without the hope and assurance that I will see my baby again, and that this pain and hurt is not in vain!

Today, we visited London's grave and took her a dozen pink roses, like we have every year. This year, we released 3 balloons for her - one princess crown and 2 pink hearts. Jagger sent London a note on one of them, and here is what he told me to write (word for word): "Baby London, did you know you have a baby brother? It's your Birthday! I love you so much, and I wish you were here to see your brother. And I love you. Love, Big Brother Jagger and Baby Brother Jack"

It broke my heart. He loves his sister and grieves in his own way. Jonathan prayed as we gathered around her stone as a family. We were able to honor her and thank God for her. It was a special time. I am thankful that this day has come and gone. It was difficult, but we made it.