Where the wild things are :)

Eight of us went to the Louisville Zoo this week and had a great time! The weather was wonderful and the kids had so much fun. Jack LOVED all of the animals. We didn't go last year, so this was his first trip to the zoo. Here are the boys, Jagger and Jack, Jett and Guy (our cousins) in the safari bus!


Daddy, Jack and the rhinos


Jagger, Afton (my sister), Jett and Guy on a wooden, ummm, I think it's a buffalo :)

Me, Jack, Jagger, & Jonathan

Jack and Daddy in the penguin exhibit. It smelled absolutely DISGUSTING!!!

They loved the tiger.

This poor gorilla just crossed his arms and started munching when we walked up - minding his own business.

Afton, Jagger, Guy and Jett

Check out these hippo choppers!

This poor little goat had the most hilarious teeth and bite!

We obviously were not at the zoo in this picture, but it's too cute not to share! Jagger has become quite the swimmer - and dare devil - this summer!

Grief: the good, the bad, and the ugly

* This is long, but I'm struggling tonight, so I'm journaling about what's on my heart.

Three years ago this month, Jonathan and I were consumed with our preparation for London. We were traveling to Cincinnati for doctor visits, meeting with pediatric cardiologists, going twice per week to the local hospital for fetal heart monitoring sessions. We were also trying to prepare for the month (or more) stay away from home while London recovered from her first of three open heart surgeries. It was stressful to think about how we would be there for London while still being with Jagger and meeting his needs (he had just turned 2 when she was born). We had to make arrangements for work, for our dogs at home, our mail, and so many other things.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I packed the diaper bag with all of the things that I thought London would need...precious frilly, pink, floral outfits with matching headbands and bows; little Lacy socks to go with every outfit; plush, pink blankets; newborn diapers; pink pacifiers; a couple of little toys (probably didn't need toys, but oh well!), and a few other things. I was ready! Her room was ready. Every precious dress was hung in her closet. Every little onesie with all the prissy sayings were folded perfectly in her dresser drawers. Her little stockings were tucked away with her bloomers, socks, and hair bows. I couldn't wait to see her fat little legs crammed in a pair of stockings!! Her room was clean, brand new and was missing only one thing...her :) Our house was prepared. The bassinet was by the couch downstairs, and all the other supplies were organized in convenient places around the house. We had prayed, our entire community was praying for us, and we just felt hopeful...anxious and maybe a bit scared, but excited at the same time.

We knew that our lives were about to change. After finding out on May 14 (the day after Mother's Day) that London had a severe heart defect, we had grieved for 2 months already. At this point (late July), we had sort of taken it in and were kind of accepting the biggest, scariest news of our lives. We just wanted to see our baby girl. We knew we had big challenges, but all of that was secondary to our desire to meet our daughter...to see her little face, hold her, hug her, hear her, smell her...finally just be with her after 9 months of waiting!

The time arrived for London to be born. I was induced on Sept. 10, and London was born at 3:02 pm on Sept. 11 (memorable day already, huh?). She was so beautiful, perfect, and chubby! She looked like Jagger, she had a strong cry, and the nurses and doctors were impressed with how great she was doing. You would NEVER know that anything was wrong with her if you weren't aware. I can honestly say that I had this peace that truly surpassed all understanding. I interpreted that peace as "London was going to be fine". Looking back, maybe I was just in denial that something was "wrong" since she seemed so perfectly normal. Plus, I don't think I ever let my mind go there. I knew babies with HLHS could die, but I also just "knew" that London would not be one of them! That would certainly not happen to ME! Regardless, God did give me a wonderful sense of peace.

For two days, our lives absolutely changed in the most incredible ways. We got to be London's Mommy and Daddy. Jagger got to be the big brother, and life was great...not without worry or anxiety...but great. However, on Sept. 13 at about 8:25 pm, out worst nightmare became our reality. London did not survive her surgery.

Now, fast forward to today...

I'm just having a really bad/sad day. I'm thinking about every detail of our experience, and every aspect of London. I just miss her so terribly. This happens every month or so, yet not always to this extreme. Yesterday and today, I have just been in a sour mood - a little grumpy, anxious, stressed - but I didn't really know why. Then tonight, I looked at London's picture at home, and I just began crying - and crying - and bawling - and being consumed with my emotions...I couldn't stop. It came out of the blue, but I realized that I hadn't had a good "cry" in a while, and that's exactly what I needed to do.

I went to Jack's room (London's room) alone, sat in my glider, and just wept. That room is absolutely Jack's room now - just as it should be. However, for that moment, I just allowed myself to remember London's room - her clothes in the closet, her pink cowgirl boots on her dresser, the pink glider that I never rocked her in...I just basically let myself grieve without reservation, without worrying what Jonathan or the boys would think, without caring...and I grieved until I felt better. And I do... I feel better, I feel lighter, I feel somewhat free from the shackles of grief. That is, until the next time this happens.

As much as I hate the realization that London is not here and will NEVER be here with us, I still recognize and appreciate the fact that my grief keeps her close to me. It reminds me how much I love her, and what an impact she has on my life. If I never grieved, then I would never reflect on my love for her and her importance in my life.

It's just hard. I know that everyone has their battle. Most of us have loved and lost someone in our lives - someone who you would give anything just to have them in your arms again. Now, what do we do when we know that will never happen? Panic? Maybe. Get angry? Probably. Blame God or someone? Usually. Cry and ask 'why'? Yes, if you're normal.

But, one thing we cannot do is stay put in one of those phases of grief and sadness. Some of the phases last longer than others, and that's okay. I've gone through all of them. I've felt denial, anger, depression, anger again (anger towards God, too), bitterness, jealousy (of others with healthy babies), and more. I felt guilty for feeling some of these ways, but when you've experienced one of life's most horrible tragedies, you just can't predict how you'll feel. I never knew how powerful the journey of grief can be. I know, though, that God wants us to experience joy again. He wants us to be happy. We have to work at it, though, and that can be hard. God wants to see how we handle our challenges. Do we give up, grow bitter and hateful, or do we continue praising Him and thanking Him for all of the other wonderful things that He has given us...even in the midst of our grief? Do we use our experiences to help others and make some kind of "good" come of our tragedy? His ways are not our ways, and He sees the big picture. I wish I could see the big picture sometimes, don't you? I am so thankful that I know that I know that I know that I will see London again. That's reason enough to continue praising God in the midst of my grief. He is good, and He is faithful (even when I am not).

Whew...I sure feel better after writing that book and getting all of my feelings off of my chest! Wake up, if you fell asleep reading that!!! Until next time...

Just my usual wild boys

We can see the railroad tracks from our house, and Jack is obsessed with "coo coo" trains! He always gets on the couch to watch them pass. However, the other day, I probably turned my head for 10 seconds, and this is what I saw!!! Yes, my camera was close, and instead of rushing to get him before he fell backwards, I (being a "perfect" mother) took his picture instead!! Anyway, he's such a climber. No, he didn't fall :)


Jagger & Jack at Mimi and Poppy's house

These two boys are good buddies :) Jack loves his granddad ("dan-dad").

Mimi, Jack, Jagger, & Poppy

I couldn't help it...I had to take this picture of Jack's dirty piggies! It really doesn't even do them justice. The only word I can think of when explaining just how filthy they were is, well (as my sister calls them)...grocery store feet!! :) You know what I'm talking about...well, we DO live in Kentucky :)

30??? Whoah!!!

Well, I am absolutely without-a-doubt not in my 20's any more! Yesterday, I turned the big 30! I admit, the anticipation of the big day was a little rough for me. I would catch myself thinking about the fact that although I feel like I'm still "college" age, now I am SO NOT college age!! I am not "young" any more (from my perspective)! In fact, I kept thinking about my vague memories of my own mother's 30th birthday!! Yes, I was 8 when my mom turned 30, and I remember :) Jonathan kept teasing me that I was like a used car...7 years, 30,000 miles...it's time to trade me in!! I had to quickly remind him that I was overdue on my trade because he's 35 already!

After my little pity party and moments of "shock" that I'm in a whole new age category, I found that the actual day was wonderful! Yesterday, I told Jonathan that the best present he could give me was a "me" day! I wanted a day where I could think clearly without distractions, I could go and do what I wanted without bored/mad/sad/sleepy/antsy little boys, and without feeling rushed or guilty that I had been gone too long, without calling every hour to make sure the boys were okay...I wanted to be selfish for just one day!!

Oh my goodness, it was AWESOME!!! I first got an hour-long massage. Have you ever gotten an hour-long massage??? If you haven't, then you are missing on out on one of life's greatest pleasures!! It was absolutely wonderful. I think I enjoyed it even more because I never lay still for an hour during the day anyway, and I definitely never have an hour where I'm being completely pampered in a dark room with soft, soothing music...on a heated bed!! I honestly couldn't even talk, I was so relaxed...and I think I drooled, too. Can you tell I enjoyed it??? It was actually my 4th one, but I wait like 2 years in between each one, and that is clearly way too long!! Anyway, after that, I got my haircut - which is totally pampering, too, because I love people playing with my hair! Then, I went shopping and shopping and shopping some more!! And I didn't buy the boys a thing!! I always end up buying for the boys when I shop. Yesterday, it was all about me! Doesn't that sound SO selfish???

Mom was cooking me dinner at 7, and I rolled up at her house at 6:30! I took full advantage of the day :) She cooked beef stroganoff - on of my favorites, with other goodies, plus a "Coke Cake" which is basically a rich, chocolate cake with peanut butter icing! It's one of my very favorites, and it was absolutely delicious!! I got sweet cards and gifts from my family, and we had a great time.

So...I realized yesterday, after feeling so rejuvenated and "alive", that 30 isn't quite so bad! In fact, as I thanked God for the day, I couldn't help but think of all the blessings He has given me in my 30 years...a wonderful childhood with wonderful parents and sisters; my health and physical/mental abilities to be successful and independent; a great career that I love; a loving husband; 3 beautiful children; a beautiful home; wonderful friends and family; and the strength and perseverance to make it through life's greatest challenges. My aunt Cely told me last week that her 30's have been the best years of her life because in your 30's, you are who you are, no one is trying to mold you, influence you...and you learn to love yourself and find peace with who you really are. So...I am looking forward to this new decade, and I'm certain that when I hit 40, 30 really won't seem so old!!!

Here's to getting older!! Because it totally beats the alternative...

On a lighter note...

I thought these were too pretty not to share. I took these pics in my mom's flower garden.

We went to Grandmother & Granddad's and picked corn. Jagger helped shuck it for the first time. That didn't last long!

This was the best part of the day! Jack is obsessed with tractors...I mean, obsessed! He loved Granddad's "ta-ter" and threw a good fit when it was time to get off :)

The boys are really starting to play together, and it is so sweet to see. This is their latest game...Jagger lifts Jack (he thinks he's so strong to be able to carry him) into the dump truck. Then he pushes him so fast that if he wrecked, there would be major tears, but Jack laughs so hard that the speed is totally worth the risk, I guess. I'm the party pooper mom who tells him to slow down all the time, and it ruins the fun.

Jack then pushes Jagger with all his might until they run into something. He thinks he's really big stuff to be able to push his brother around. I'm slowly learning that I'm going to be a ball of nerves with 2 boys around!!

Hurting Hearts

As wonderful as life is, and as abundant as God's blessings are, there are times when sadness is so overwhelming. I have so many people on my mind and my heart who need serious prayer. The first little guy is Luke Sexton. Luke was born last week with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, just like my London, and he is fighting for his life. God is using Luke and his parents, Benson and Kristin, in mighty ways already. Their faith and trust in His plan is amazing. You will be blessed by reading their blog at http://www.lukesexton.blogspot.com/. Please pray for Luke!!

The other little guy who is on my heart is David Elliott. David will be a 3rd grader at my school. On Sunday, July 4, David and his mother - along with other family and friends - were on a boat, and one of the adults thought they would let David drive the boat. I don't know the whole story, but somehow, the boat slammed into a dock, and David's mother endured traumatic injuries and died. David and his family moved here due to the military, his dad is a doctor, and his mom stayed at home with him. David is an only child, and his mom dropped him off and picked him up every day from school, volunteered at school, etc. They were best buddies. My heart is absolutely broken for this 7 year-old child. Not only is his best buddy gone, but I fear that he will feel guilty for wrecking the boat and causing his mother's death. Who will take care of him? How will his dad adjust his schedule to meet his needs as his mother did. Who will do his laundry, cook him dinner, run his bath water, kiss him goodnight. I know his daddy can, but his mommy is gone - forever. I am so sad. Please pray for this child and his family.

Another person on my heart is Rhonda Shrader. She is an acquaintance of mine who helped me so much when London died because she had also lost an infant daughter. Also, Rhonda's mom is our 'mail lady' at school. Rhonda has a healthy daughter and son, but in between them, she lost a daughter. Last year, she became pregnant with another baby girl, Carter. Long story short...at 20 weeks, Rhonda and her husband learned that Carter had holes in her heart and possibly chromosomal abnormalities. Later ultrasounds were encouraging because the holes were healing, and Carter seemed to be doing fine. They knew that when she was born, she would either need heart surgery immediately or at a later time because she still had a hole in her heart, but they were prepared for that. Tragically, it was determined that Carter had Edward's Syndrome (Trisomy 18), and she passed away.

Rhonda survived losing one baby. I mean, after all, that could take a lifetime. But...how in the world does a mother endure losing 2 babies? What in the world do I say to her? What do I say to her mother when I see her at school? I absolutely cannot imagine going through the horrific loss twice. My heart aches for her and her family. Will you pray for her?

Thank you so much for taking the time to lift these individuals up in prayer. There are many others who need prayer as well for so many reasons. Sometimes, all we can really do for someone who is in the deepest valley is pray for them and trust that God will meet their needs. He hears our prayers, and He comforts the broken-hearted.

Fun with Friends

Last week, Jagger and I went with our friends to Beech Bend park in Bowling Green for a full day of fun in the sun! The kids had a blast, and the parents had fun, too...until the kids got exhausted and whiny and needed naps, but didn't want to leave - you know what I'm talking about!! All we could do was laugh at them at that point!


Jagger & Blake


Jagger & Blake again...before the Haunted House. They did NOT like the Haunted House. They were brave at first and insisted on riding it, but when we came out (I rode with them), Blake said, "Okay, that was NOT COOL!!!"

Meredith, Addie, Brady, Blake & Jagger

One funny thing is that the adults argued over who would ride the round and round rides with the kids who had to have an adult!! I got suckered into the Tilt-A-Whirl...thankfully it was towards the end of the day!