I'm sorry I've neglected you!

I'm starting to feel very guilty about neglecting my blog. I'm sorry. I could go on and on with excuses, but the truth is that I'm just busy! The reason I started this blog over a year ago was to channel my grief into something positive. I wanted to share my story, share my journal entries, etc. in hopes that someone out there could be helped by my story. It was for me - an outlet. It has also become a community. I have met so many people and heard so many stories of others who have dealt with pain and grief of all kinds. I have been helped by you as much as I have intended to help others. The blessings from creating this blog have been great. I do feel bad, though, that I do not spend as much time updating it as I used to. I apologize!

I am happy to say that I feel like I'm doing well with my grief. Maybe it's because we're on the go all the time now, and even when we're at home, I'm on the go chasing a wild one-year-old around, and playing Army or wrestle-mania with Jagger! My mind has very few chances to be still or to "think" too much. However, regardless of how busy I am, I still feel like I'm doing well. I haven't cried over London in a while now -since Mother's Day, I think. That seems so crazy for me to even say that. I mean, I never dreamed I would get to this point, but I am so thankful that I am here.

It's strange that the hurt is still so deep, yet I am okay. In fact, I can honestly say that I feel happy! Now, don't get me wrong...I am always reminded that London is not here with me. I mean, something (or several things) happen daily that - for a split second - remind me of London and all that I am missing. It's how I handle those thoughts and triggers that is so absolutely completely different now than it was months ago. When London died, people would say, "It's just going to take time" or "time will heal the pain". At the time, I wanted to gag at the cliche'. However, it is so true. Time is the best medicine for pain and grief. Time and God's help, that is.

Let me be honest. I say I'm doing great, and I do feel like I am. But...I have only watched London's video once, and that was weeks after she died. I have heard her cry and her grunts, and watched me cuddle her in my arms and in her daddy's arms, and gazed at her every move...just one time in nearly 3 years. It honestly scares me to death to think of putting that tape in and watching it. I'm afraid of how I will feel. I'm afraid of losing it again. I haven't let my guard down like that in so long, and I just don't think I'm ready to deal with those emotions again. Not now. I guess it's okay to tuck that sacred tape away until I want to "go there" again. No matter how good I think I'm doing, I think there's always something that could take me "there" again. It's just a matter of choosing when to actually go "there" with my grief.

Until then, I will continue to heal, bask in the blessings that God pours out on me and my family daily, and be thankful. No matter our situation or circumstance - how wonderful or how horrific - there is always something to be thankful for. It may be something so tiny, and it may be really hard to see - especially when you're in the depths of despair - but it's there.

When I was pregnant with London, and we had found out about her condition, one of my best friends gave me a framed Bible verse that had helped her when she went through a very hard time. It has become one of my very favorite verses because it continues to encourage me, just as it did then.

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, plans to give you a future and a hope." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

There was a time when I "hoped" this would be true. Now, I know it's true. Am I scarred? Absolutely! Am I still sad? Of course. I always will be. Let's face it - I have been changed because of London. Losing London, loving London, and living without London defines so much of who I am - and it always will. At the same time, I am living with a wonderful husband and two amazing little boys that bring so much joy and laughter to my life, not to mention a great job, awesome family and friends, a wonderful church...the list goes on. I'm not trying to sound like my life is perfect. Believe me, as easily as I can mention the awesome things in my life, I could also list all the burdens in my life. There are plenty, but I will choose not to depress you with them. My point is that I have to choose to see the blessings. I have to choose to recognize the good in my life.

It has taken me a long time to get to this point, and I am still on my grief journey, but I have come such a long way. Praise the Lord that weeping really does turn to joy!

A busy couple of weeks!

I apologize that I have neglected the blog for a couple of weeks. Life has been very busy lately! Jagger started soccer at church for the Upward league, and he loves it! Jonathan's 35th birthday was Friday, so we celebrated that. Age doesn't bother him a bit. It is strange, though, to think he's already 35! Shouldn't we still be in college?! In July, I'll be 30...now that's crazy!

Mother's Day was really great. The first thing I did was spend some time talking to my baby girl at her grave. Now, I personally am not sure if London really hears me. I know that God hears me, so I tell him to tell her things for me. I would say she's too busy having fun with her angel friends on the streets of gold - being spoiled rotten by Jesus and so many loved ones who are with her! Either way, I had a few moments - just me and her. Mother's Day will always be bittersweet for me, and for any mother who has lost a child. There's a hole - a void - in my heart that will never be filled, as long as I live. However, as I have said before, I am so blessed with my precious little boys. They bring me such joy and happiness. They make me smile, and they remind me of God's goodness, His mercy, and His grace. I am thankful. In fact, this is how much I know I am loved by my boys...Jagger told me on Mother's Day this: "Mommy I love you all the way to Florida and Gatlinburg and back!!" Now that is love!! I am also thankful for my own mother. I have been so blessed to have a great mom.

Lately, I have been deeply reminded of the blessing of having my mother here with me, close by, and healthy. A dear friend of mine, Tiffany, has been by her mother's bedside, soaking up every moment with her because she knows there are few moments left - in this life. Tiffany's mom, Hazel, is losing her battle with cancer and could meet her Jesus face-to-face any moment. My heart aches for them. You may not know Tiffany, but will you take a moment and pray for her and her family - that they will have peace, strength and comfort as they go through this horrible time? There are so many broken hearts that I could mention. So many people are hurting and grieving in some way, and sometimes all we can do is pray for them.

To all of you, friends, who have lost your precious children and know the pain that I have felt in losing my London...I hope that you had peace and strength this Mother's Day. I thought of each of you and prayed for you, and I appreciate your love, your prayers and your support SO much!

Anyway, since it's been a while, I thought I would post some pictures. Enjoy :)


Jagger, Jack and Mommy - Jagger thought he needed to shed his shirt and put his baseball helmet on as soon as we got home today!

Ummm, could he look any more ROTTEN???

Jagger helped Grandmother pick strawberries at the garden on Mother's Day. He loves strawberries!

No, the camera was not fuzzy...that's smoke from 35 candles on Jonathan's cake!! Happy Birthday, honey!! Jagger and Jett helped him, of course.

Jagger took a breather during his game on Saturday. Thankfully, he didn't just sit down during the game...he was actually supposed to sit out! It's not like tee ball where he was doing snow angels in the dirt...he's grown up a bit since then!!

Another game...learning to stretch and get ready!!

Two weekends ago, we had a flood. I'm not complaining because so many people in Tennessee had it so much worse. We had some leaking in our cellar and a back yard full of water, but no real damage, thank goodness. Jagger and Daddy had fun exploring in the monsoon (our back yard)!

Mr. Independent got a hold of his "puffs", and you see what happened next! Notice the one stuck to his face :)

I hope you're all doing well! Have a great day. Until next time...