Four Plus an Angel

Where I've been...

2012-01-15T08:31:00.005-05:00

I feel so guilty that it's been 4 months since I've posted. I'll be honest, I used to post when I needed to vent...when I was having a "moment". I also used to post when I was sharing my boys and all of the funny and cute things that they do! I guess the reason I have neglected this blog is kind of a good thing, really.

First of all, my "moments" are rare these days, so my need to vent is also pretty rare, too. Praise God! Now, let me also say that last Wednesday, I bawled like a baby for hours because I had a "moment" that lasted the entire afternoon, pretty much! That hasn't happened for a very long time, but it just came - sort of like cousin Eddie on Christmas Vacation! Totally uninvited, very inconvenient, and stayed way too long!! :)

At the same time, although those moments suck (to be honest), they also bring me back to London. They make me remember vividly again. When I go "there" again, I remember how she felt in my arms. I remember tucking the soft, fuzzy side of the blanket under her little feet to keep them warm. I remember tracing her silky soft skin with my fingers...rubbing her little forehead and her hair. I remember putting my nose to hers and closing my eyes while I felt her little breath on my lips. I remember her sweet smell. I hear her cry and her grunts. I remember my precious baby girl. So...although those emotions are far too painful to "like", there is something cathartic and cleansing about going there again.

Back to why I've neglected the blog. As I posted before, last year was a year of a new adventure for me and my family. I started London's Bridge Photography - in honor of London. My new business has become my outlet for my grief, and quite honestly, it has kept me so busy that I rarely have time to do much of anything else. I have been so blessed to see how London's Bridge Photography has grown just since March (when I took the plunge and put myself out there). I have been able to feel "fulfilled" through my business by honoring London, sharing her story more often, and also by giving back to charity with every session. I donate 15% of profits to the charity that my client chooses. I know that every person has something close to their heart, so when they get to choose where their donation goes, it makes them feel good, too! It allows them to give back in honor or memory of someone and feel like they've truly "Smiled for a Cause". So, my point is that doing good through London's Bridge Photography has allowed me to progress in my grief. In a sense, I know that I'm honoring London and making something GOOD come out of my sadness and my loss. And again, I NEVER want London to be forgotten, so knowing her name is on my logo, and that her name is being shared with others...well, it just makes me happy!
As far as sharing pictures of my boys...I pretty much use London's Bridge Photography for that, too. Whenever I want to tell about something cute or funny they've done, I usually share the pictures on facebook on my London's Bridge Photography page.

Anyway, I'm sorry for my neglect. At the same time, I am thankful that I feel peace in my heart again. I'm thankful that my tears are few and far between these days. I'm just thankful! And...I'm thankful for you who do read this blog and appreciate my story. I know so many of you have your own hurt and your own story to share. I pray that God will give you peace and comfort. Whether you believe it now or not (I remember when I didn't believe it), "Weeping may endure for the night, but JOY comes in the morning." ~Psalm 30:5

Never lose hope!!

Love,
Ashlee :)

Happy 4th Birthday, London!!

2011-09-11T08:50:00.004-04:00

Four years ago today...at 3:02 pm to be exact...I held my sweet baby girl for the first time. I will never forget the jubilation, the peace, the relief and pure happiness and joy that I felt that day. It's very hard to imagine that London would not be a baby or even a toddler or even a "little" girl if she were here with us. She would be 4...she would be big! She would be independent and full of personality. Oh how I wish I could hold her and love on her and laugh with her and celebrate with her today. We love you, London. Happy birthday in heaven, my sweet "big" girl!!!

I forget how tough...

2011-09-05T22:49:00.003-04:00

For the past week or so, I have felt like a pressure cooker. I've been tense, my anxiety has bothered me - more than usual. I have had bad dreams. I have had bad thoughts...thoughts that I would rather forget because they take me back "there". I have been sad and blue and have found myself overflowing with emotions and tears lately. I am just sad. I miss London so terribly. Not that I don't miss her terribly all the time...but, most of the time I can deal with it. Most of the time, I can shake it off and move on and go about my business with a smile on my face. Lately, it's just hard.

It's September 5, and all I can think about it that London would be 4 this coming Sunday. Four? I just can't believe it. You would think that as each year passes, it would get easier to endure her birthday. However, I'm struggling just as bad this year as I did her first birthday. There's just something about her birthday that puts my loss into perspective. It reminds me of what I'm missing. It makes me wonder what she would look like, what her voice would sound like, what kind of birthday party she would want.

When I was pregnant with London, I often wondered how I would manage her birthday and Jagger's birthday being so close ( Jagger's is the 7th). Would we have one big party? Would we party for a week straight doing his party and her party and school parties and family parties?! I've been thinking about that as we've prepared for Jagger's 6th birthday. His birthday is always so bittersweet to me. I know that may sound bad, but I'm just being honest. I try my best to focus on him and enjoy the moment, but I still think about how London is just 4 days behind him...and there is no party for her. There is no celebration. I know I know...in heaven she's celebrating. I know that, and I am so thankful to know that. But...moments like this are hard - regardless of the peace of mind that heaven gives me. I want her HERE...NOW!!

Why is it that the anticipation of something is often worse than the day itself? Tonight as I put Jack to sleep in his room (London's room), I found myself tearing up...again...when I looked at the spot where I fell to my knees and begged and pleaded with God to heal her...to perform a miracle on her little heart. It was just days before she was born, and I was so scared and so excited to meet her, but so hopeful, yet nervous and anxious. I felt everything all at once...but I just wanted her to be okay. Rarely do I ever think about that when I put Jack to bed...but I did tonight.

Tonight, Jack was throwing a fit. He was grumpy and clingy and screaming about everything...just one of those nights...and I just couldn't handle it since I was just emotional anyway. I went out and sat in my car and listened to Third Day and just bawled my eyes out...out loud...and talked to London and prayed to God. I tasted my tears for the first time in a long time. I let them fall without wiping them. I grieved without reservation, and it felt good.

Why would I think about London's little body being in her casket? I did tonight. Why would I beat myself up over leaving her hospital room the few times that I did...not knowing at the time that those were moments I would never get back. I thought of that tonight. I thought of the words I spoke to her in her little ear as the nurses wheeled her into the operating room...the last words I said to her. I thought of the feeling I had when Jonathan, Jagger and I - and our whole family - had to solemnly walk out of Cincinnati Children's Hospital without London. I thought of how I felt when people who hadn't seen me in a while would ask how my baby was doing. I thought about her clothes and shoes and blankets and furniture...still nestled in my parents' basement.

Jagger said yesterday that he wishes he was alive when I was a kid. I didn't really follow him at first. He tends to get really imaginative :) When I asked him why, he said because if he were alive when I was a kid, then he would have gotten to see baby London. Well, regardless of whether his thought makes a lot of sense or not, I know that he just wishes he could have met his baby sister. That's all. And I grieve that. I wish he would have met her and held her and kissed her and talked to her. I just shake my head in complete sadness at that reality. We just didn't know at the time. If only we would have known. Well, if we would have known, then a lot of things would have been different.

I really do promise - as I've said so many times before - that I am doing so well. God had been so good to me. I'm in a valley right now, but I have faith that it's not a deep valley...and it will not last long. I remember a time - a very long duration of time - when I just didn't know if I would ever smile again. I didn't have joy, happiness, laughter, and peace. I doubted my future and God's plans for me. I felt robbed and bitter and betrayed. But God...that's a big statement because it's what saved me. But God...He was there and gave me hope and peace and comfort. He slowly but surely restored my hope and my faith and my trust in Him. I began to smile again and laugh again. That doesn't mean that I don't have my moments - or that I won't have my moments for as long as I live. But it does mean that God has renewed my spirit in a way that I never thought was possible.

I love the Footprints in the Sand poem because it explains exactly how I felt when London died. Now, with hind sight, I realize that when I felt so alone and abandoned by God, it was He who was carrying me and loving me and comforting me. He never left me.

I know this wave of emotions will pass. I will get through this birthday and "angel day" season once again. London was only in my arms for 2 days, but she and I were "one" for 9 months. I knew her habits, her schedule (wild in the middle of the night). I knew how much she loved to hear her Poppy play the piano. I know she knew my voice and she knew I loved her. I know she loved her daddy's songs as he sang them softly in her ear. She knew love. That's all we could ask for. London will be in my heart forever, and I will live my life honoring her and the ONE who gave her to us.

Thankful & Blessed

2011-07-29T09:46:00.005-04:00

As an elementary teacher, I absolutely love my summer breaks! I love watching TV in my bed head, drinking my coffee, getting on the computer. I love spending time with my two wild and wonderful boys. Well, the fighting, screaming, biting (Jack's latest), and crying does get a little old, but I wouldn't trade the time off with them for anything. With Jonathan and me both being teachers (at the same school, I might add), we get to have a lot of family time in the summer, so I am thankful for that.

Having said that, we just have 2 more days of freedom until another school year begins. I am always reluctant to begin and a little bitter to give up my summer freedom! But...I have to admit that I love my job as an elementary special education teacher. And I also must admit that we - as a family - do better with a routine! We go and blow and spend too much money when we're off! The boys will go into shock to have a bedtime again!

This year will be a bit different. Jagger will be in kindergarten!! Our baby is going to school! He went to the kindergarten open house and kindergarten "kick-off" and loved it! He was actually so annoyed by me...my camera in his face, my licking my finger to wipe the breakfast off his mouth...you know, all the typical mom stuff! He is ready, and he's excited, so I guess I am, too :) In fact, although it's hard to let my baby go into the independent phase of his life, the bigger picture reveals the many blessings in this phase! I realize that I am richly blessed that my son is here, that he is healthy and happy and independent, and that I can witness this moment. I can watch him spike his hair with entirely too much gel because it's "cool like that". I can allow him some freedom to dress himself and feel like a big kid. I can watch him walk into school with his monogrammed back pack and Lightning McQueen lunch box. I can enjoy his big cheesy grin that's missing 3 teeth already!!

As I type this and think about the sweet blessings of this moment in time, I am just overwhelmed with God's goodness and His grace. I tell you...I never thought that I would get to this point. I never dreamed that I would truly smile again, laugh again, have joy in my heart again after London died. I never thought that I could bask in happy moments without dwelling on London "not being there". I am so thankful to be able to say that - after nearly four years - I really do feel happy. I really do have joy. I really do have a belly laugh again that is contagious! There is finally joy in my heart again and a real smile on my face!

Well, let me say this...at this moment as I type and speak these words to myself, I actually have tears rolling down my face! I feel overwhelmed with thankfulness and joy. Of course, I am sad that my sweet baby girl is not here. Well, she wouldn't be a baby...she would be a little diva who is expecting her fourth birthday! I am sad that she is not bouncing around with her blond hair and big blue eyes - laughing, talking, bothering her brothers or loving on them! The truth is that my heart will ALWAYS ache for her. The void in my heart - the hole in my heart - may be "patched" as life goes on, but it will never truly heal until I hold her in heaven some day. Then, I will be complete.

But, for this life, I am finally doing well. That doesn't mean that I don't have my moments...sort of like today...I was filling out Jagger's kindergarten paperwork, and one of the papers asked about our family and wanted to know how many children are in our family. I hesitated to put "2" on the paper because I felt guilty for leaving London out. But...I did. I realize that life goes on, and I have to embrace life as it is. It is life with 2 boys. Life with lots of dirt and swords and dump trucks and wrestling and lots of blue. It is life with balls and bats and frogs and worms and mismatched t-shirts and shorts. And, you know what? I love my life. I love my boys. I love everything that comes with the territory.

I do wish that we had a pretty princess room in our home filled with pink and purple and bows and dresses and baby dolls. But - I'm finally "okay" that there is no pink in our home. It took me a long time to get here emotionally. And, let me say, it does still put my stomach in knots to talk about it, but I'm okay. I can handle it.

I always meditated on these two verses, and I still love them. The first is "Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning." ~Psalm 30:5

The other is "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." ~Jeremiah 29:11

I am a living testimony that God keeps His promises! Trust in Him - in the good and the bad - and your weeping will turn to joy! Never lose hope!

Bored boys :)

2011-06-05T23:07:00.007-04:00

Jagger & Jack made an attempt to entertain the strangers next to us at our cousin's graduation.

I promise he was being quiet or I would have snatched him up!!

Happy boy!! And very rotten, I might add!

Another happy boy :)

Memorial Day

2011-05-30T22:56:00.003-04:00

The wounds may heal, but the scars never go away.

Angel Addison

2011-05-27T17:08:00.007-04:00

Have you ever felt like God was playing tricks on you? Do you ever feel that he's dangling a carrot in front of you, only to pull it away just as you think you can grab it? When outlooks are grim, we hold on to any glimmer of hope, and it's so disappointing when our hope is shattered.

Yesterday: She's going to be fine. Miracles are happening. She's making progress. We have hope.

Today: She has emergency surgery. Her intestines are beyond repair. There is nothing more that can be done. The family watches as they "keep her comfortable". She's gone.

I've been there when you just want to know "why". I've been there when everything looked like it was going to be "fine", only for the worst and most unexpected thing to happen. I've been there in the dark moments of loss, the shock, the emotional pain that makes you want to just die.

Today, my heart is so heavy for the Blair family today as they say good-bye to their precious 3-year-old daughter, Addison Jo. Since December, Addison has fought for her life against a rare cancer called neuroblastoma. Through her struggles and her story, Addison has touched thousands of people in our community, across the nation, and even in other countries. I am blessed to say that I have known Addison's family my whole life, and work with two of her aunts and one of her uncles. She is truly a hero in so many ways.

I ache for Addison's family - for her sweet, loving, and God-fearing parents; for her baby brother who will only know his big sister through stories and pictures; to both sets of loving grandparents who will grieve for themselves and for their children; for her aunts and uncles, cousins, and friends who were beyond blessed to know her, to love her, and to be loved by her. And for those people who were praying for her daily and supporting her in immeasurable ways. I am just sad.

Regardless of the pain, there is no doubt that God has used Addison in mighty ways, and I trust that He will continue to use Addison's family and her story in mighty ways.

When I get to heaven, I will be sure to ask God why he takes children. I want to know. Until then, I will find comfort in the fact that Addison, London, and all the other precious children who have gone before us, are running and playing and laughing and singing at Jesus' feet. I will trust that one day those questions will be answered, and that we will all hold our children again - with no cancer, no heart defects, no accidents or colds...just perfection and joy and bliss for an eternity.

For that - and even for that alone - I will praise the One who gave us our children in the first place. I will praise the One who shared our sweet angels with us - if only for a little while.

Visit Addison's Caring Bridge page at www.caringbridge.org/visit/addisonjoblair

Already???

2011-05-04T20:04:00.007-04:00

My baby - I mean, my big boy - lost his first tooth! I can't believe he's already that big! He even pulled it himself!!

Do you know what the goin' rate for a tooth is these days? Well, Jagger's Papaw told him he should definitely get about $20 for that tooth! I wanted to get my dad for telling him that! The tooth fairy brought a whoppin' $5 because the first tooth is special! I think she was totally fair, and Jagger was totally happy with $5!!

He told me last night - as he was jumping as high as he could possibly jump on the bed - that "ever since he lost a tooth, he can jump way higher!!!"

It's amazing what losing a tooth will do for you!

Our Easter

2011-04-25T20:11:00.004-04:00

We had a wonderful Easter! Church was just awesome, and we were humbled by the reminder of the sacrifice that Jesus made for us! Not only that, but thankful beyond words for his resurrection! I have never seen the entire "Passion of the Christ", but it was on TV last night, and I watched the end. Wow! And all I can think is He endured that for ME???

The boys had fun coloring eggs and hunting them. The sad part is that our weekend was so extremely stormy and rainy that I didn't even get a picture of the boys in their actual Easter outfits! We were running late for church, I didn't take my camera in church, and we were rushing to get out of the rain after church, and then once we got home, they were so not in picture taking moods!! Oh well...they looked sweet :)

Every egg had to be dipped into about every color...about 5 times each!

The messier the better! His fingers looked great with his outfit on Sunday!

The Easter Bunny fell asleep on Saturday night without meaning to, but thankfully he stopped by our house before the boys woke up!!! Whewww!!

After church, we had a family get-together at my uncle and aunt's house. It was also my mom's birthday on Sunday, so we had a lot to celebrate! As you can see, Jagger found a mud puddle (with his cousin, Jett), and they took full advantage!! They even "washed off" in the pond! That's good fun!!

Nothing a little soap and detergent can't fix :) They had a blast!!

Have a wonderful day! Until next time...

Just having a moment

2011-04-16T07:34:00.007-04:00

As I look out my window this morning, it's dreary and raining. Maybe that's one reason why my mood is just down today. Maybe not. I think that the dreariness just adds to the real reason that my emotions have been more sensitive the past few days. I remember last year around this time, I struggled. Let's just put it this way...have you seen all the PINK around lately?? Easter is next week, and everywhere you go, it just oozes pink and flowers and girly and angelic and girly (did I say that already?). Don't get me wrong, the precious little boy Easter outfits are just as sweet, but you've got to admit, it's all about pink right now! I've said it a million times on this blog, but man...at these times, I just miss her so terribly. I just ache for her. I ache to choose the perfect Easter dress, prissy shoes, hair bow, the perfect Easter gift. I ache to see her in her dress between her two handsome brothers. I think about taking their pictures together...would they would be smiling sweetly for the camera? Would one be looking at me while another pulled her hair? Would she be pinching her brother because he looked at her wrong? :) I just think about those every day "life" things. Not just the perfect - everybody's happy - moments. But, the funny, brother/sister moments like loving one moment, arguing the next! Today, one of my very best friends is having a "Bunny Brunch" for her little girl's birthday. Is that not the sweetest idea? The boys are excited. It will be so precious. However, in this moment, I can't help but wish London could be here. Not that heaven doesn't compare to a Bunny Brunch (ha ha), but for me! I'm the one who's missing out. I wish I could see her face in moments like that. I wish I could pick out the most adorable outfit for the occasion. I'm just sad. Most of the time, I can look at London's pictures in our home, and I just pass by because I'm "fine", or I'll touch them and move on, or I'll simply grin and go about my business. Other times - like today - I just stare and notice every detail. I notice her little button nose, her chubby cheeks, her lips that look just like her brothers'. I look at her precious dark hair and think about the "wisp of hair" that I have in a tiny zip-lock bag in her special box upstairs - that the nurses gave us when she died. I know, I know...how sad and depressing. That's just where I am right now. Instead of thinking about what pretty arrangement I can buy for her grave this season, I instead have thought - this morning - about the moment at her funeral when I finally reached the car to leave, and Jonathan stood beside me and said, "I want to help them put her in the ground," and he stayed and helped lower her little white casket into the ground. He helped shovel the dirt onto the pink roses that remained. It's what felt "right" to him at that moment. I know what you're thinking...come on, Ashlee, that is just ridiculously sad!!! And I say...I know it is!! I'm just telling you where my thoughts have gone this morning. When I have moments like this (or a couple of days like this), those memories and thoughts and feelings just come back, and it's hard. Praise the Lord that feeling like this does not linger like it used to. It doesn't cripple me any more. Tomorrow - or even later on today - I will be fine. A good friend of mine who lost her brother to suicide once told me that those feelings are tucked away in her "pocket", and she keeps them there until she needs to pull them out again. That's a good way of thinking of it, in my opinion. The feelings are always right there, but I don't take them out all of the time. They're there if and when I need them. Even in the midst of struggling a bit, I can say that I've made gains lately...2, actually. The first gain was last week when I took pictures of my dear friends' little girls. I wanted their pictures to be just perfect. I brought props and had ideas for sweet little poses and settings. One of the props that I brought was an antique-green little rocking chair. That little chair has been in my parents' basement for the past 3 1/2 years under a blue tarp with all of the rest of London's things. Before, I wouldn't dare touch her things - and especially wouldn't use her things for another child (especially another little girl). Well...I did. I love my friend, and I love her girls, and it just felt right. Plus, it made for some sweet pictures! I was proud of myself for being able to take that step. The second gain that I made was that I used one of London's gift bags for a little girl gift. I still have every single gift bag that I received for my baby showers for London. They have not been touched. Well, until last night. I actually sorted through them and picked a precious little gift bag - a very pink, prissy one, I might add - for my friend's little girl. It tugged at my heart a bit, but I'm okay, and I'm not going to switch the bag! It's a small step, but a very big step for me. My point is that even though things trigger my grief and sadness - and always will, I'm sure - God continues to help me move forward, to make gains, to grow stronger. He continues to bless me, to give me comfort and strength and joy and happiness and peace. For that, I am so thankful! Okay, want to hear something funny? In a boys' world (that I'm in), here's a couple of funny things lately that the boys have done. Our babysitter asked Jack if he wanted to use the potty this week. She asked him because he was standing very still with a painful look as his face turned bright red!!! Hmmm...wonder what he was doing?!! His response to her - with a grunt- was "Nodda day (shaking his head 'no'), I poop my diapuh." Why would you choose to poop in your diaper instead of going to the potty?! In due time, I guess :) Jagger is totally into role play, and he loves the show Man vs. Wild with Bear Grylls -an extreme outdoorsman that has to survive in the most challenging environments. Anyway, he was playing on his swing set and hanging onto the slide as if he was holding on to a mountain and didn't want to fall thousands of feet below (like Bear Grylls). So, I was "narrating" in an English accent (because Bear is from England), and Jagger was just loving it. We had to do it over and over and over and over and over...okay, you get the point. Then, I noticed that he asked me again to "Nanavate". "Come on, Mommy, I want you to nanavate for me because I'm gonna pretend I'm jumping out of an airplane!" So, friends...the next time you hear of a narrator, you can just call it a "Nanavator"!! They crack me up! Until next time...

Building Bridges

2011-03-29T16:28:00.005-04:00

In honor of my sweet London, I humbly introduce...

Praying that this adventure will honor London's memory and give a sense of fulfillment by giving back to others in need. Visit http://www.londonsbridgephotography.com/ for more information!

Our visitors...3 of them!!

2011-03-17T22:14:00.004-04:00

On my last post, I told you about the 3 snakes that we found during our yard "clean up" on Sunday! Two little ones (that lived) and one huge one that was coiled up in a bush in our front landscape. Ummm...it didn't live. In fact, it was snapping at Jonathan's shovel like a cobra! Okay, maybe I'm being a bit dramatic, but it was sick and definitely enough snake for us!!

And that was without its head!!!

Oh Happy Day!

2011-03-13T23:33:00.004-04:00

Talk about neglect. I have totally neglected my blog for well over a month now. I'm not sure if there are still readers out there, but just in case...

We had a wonderful day today. It was about 65 degrees, the sky was clear and blue. The trees are budding, the grass is getting green, so we stayed out in it all day. The boys were dirty...so dirty. They played in the dirt, held worms...and tadpoles (from our neighbor's pond). They built a fort out of sticks. They took several rides in the wheel barrow (on top of leaves and sticks that we were trying to clean up)!! They played with the dogs and in the sandbox, and with rocks.

And, here's the most exciting part of the day...SNAKES! Plural...snakeS!! While raking leaves in the front yard, we saw 2 little snakes, so Jonathan had to come and pick them up by their tails and scare us with them! Then, a while later, he yelled for us to come to the front porch again. Thank goodness I didn't decide to clean out the front landscaping before he did because...oh my!! There was a snake in the landscape that was about 5 feet long! I'm not even kidding! It was raising it's head and snapping at Jonathan. I felt like I was watching an episode of Bear Grylls on Man vs. Wild!!! Needless to say, the snake ended up headless, and Jonathan was a total tough guy hero!! I'll have to post pictures later!

Today - even with the snakes - was one of those days that I just realize how blessed I am. Blessed to have my health, my sight to see the beauty all around me, blessed to have my children and my husband and my home. So blessed and very thankful!

The wild ones...

2011-01-30T12:41:00.005-05:00

Jagger taped a little stick to his upper lip (a mustache) and was singing that Italian song, "Figero, Figero..." (However you spell that!). The hilarious part is that he was singing, "PIGero, Pigero..."

Jammin' Jack!!! He has become absolutely obsessed with music...actually, as he says, "Wock-e-Woe guys". He is constantly playing his guitar (as you see here), his drums, singing in his microphone (mah-pone), and even closes his eyes and nods his head when he's really "into" the music! He is something else!!

This was a funny sight. Jagger looked like Fred Flinstone, and Jack thought he was so big to be pushing his brother!

Doughnuts and milk will do it to ya every time!!!

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-24T09:56:00.002-05:00

Jack was all about Santa...until it was time to sit in his lap!!!

London's pink, princess stocking...

Merry Christmas!!!

Jesus is all that matters!

2010-12-20T07:36:00.006-05:00

It's December 20. I'm sitting alone in my living room drinking my coffee, listening to Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. There is snow outside. The only light is that from my Christmas tree. The kids are still asleep. Ahhhh, it doesn't get much better than this! I love Christmas.

Ummm...scratch that. My "me" time was good while it lasted :) My little stinker just woke up, was yelling for me, and now we're watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Jack is now snuggled beside me on the couch, under 2 big blankets, eating his Little Debbie chocolate cake (come on, isn't that a breakfast food???), and leaning on my shoulder. Now, really, it doesn't get much better than this!

Well, wait...there are a couple of things that would make it even better. If Jagger were snuggled on my other side, and if London were snuggled in my lap. Now that would be an absolutely perfect moment, don't you think?

As I sit here, I see her pink stocking hanging between her brothers' stockings. Her special ornament with her picture is on the front of our tree. I'll be honest. This is my 4th Christmas without London, and I've been struggling...again. As I've said so many times before, it is not that gut-wrenching, constant sadness that I used to feel. However, I have my moments (a lot of them lately) where I just have to grieve. I have to reflect on my daughter and the fact that I miss her so so terribly. Every stage and every age that the boys go through is yet another stage of London that I am missing. Don't get me wrong. I understand that I can't dwell on my grief. I can't afford to let it consume me. There are many times when I get sad over something - usually a trigger of some sort, and I have to just think about something else, turn the radio on...anything to just get it together! And there are those other times when I just let it come over me. I allow my feelings to surface, and I just feel. It's painful, but it's also very cleansing for me. I need that release every now and then.

However, I just praise God that I have the assurance that I will see her again. I have hope. I know that, although my family will always be "Four Plus an Angel" on this earth, we will be perfectly whole - and all together - in heaven.

What if I didn't have that assurance? How do people survive and cope with intense loss without Christ, without salvation, without hope?! Oh my goodness...what a dark, depressing thought.

The sermon at church yesterday was on Christmas and the simplicity of salvation. Without Christ, there is no Christmas! Jesus was born so that he could die for us! He set the standard of perfection. Not that we would try to be perfect, but that we would see that we will NEVER be perfect, and that we need Christ. We need Jesus in our hearts. We need Him in our lives.

Everyone NEEDS to be saved (1 John 1:8).
Everyone CAN be saved (1 John 2:1-2).
Everyone is saved the SAME WAY (1 John 5:13).
Everyone who's saved can KNOW it and be sure (1 John 5:13).

That no matter what we've done, how much guilt we may feel, "...the Lord is so good, so ready to forgive, so full of unfailing love for all who ask for His help!" (Psalm 86:5)

Did you know that you can "believe" with your mind that Jesus Christ was born, lived a perfect life, died on the cross, and rose again, and still not be saved?! You can "believe"(think/agree) that God loves you. But...there's more to salvation than believing with your mind! You must COMMIT to Him! You have to put your TRUST in Him. You have to put your FAITH in Him. You have to have a RELATIONSHIP with Him.

Lord knows that I mess up all the time. I ask for forgiveness and then mess up again. I fail miserably!!! However, I go to Jesus and talk to Him. I feel my conscience (the Holy Spirit) leading me on a daily basis. I recognize that Jesus is my standard, that I will NEVER reach that standard, and that I need Him!!

A one-time prayer won't get you to Heaven if you don't put your trust in Him. Being baptized won't save you! You can dunk youfself in the bathtub at home!! Being "sprinkled" as a baby doesn't save you! You must follow him, trust him, recognize your constant need for Him, and acknowledge that He is Lord.

Isn't that what Christmas is ("should be") all about?! It's not about the presents. It's not about the craziness of shopping and wrapping and cooking and entertaining and eating and visiting - although those things are definitely fun! It's about Jesus! My how we get away from the true meaning of Christmas! I'm as guilty as anyone!

So, I encourage you - just as I encourage myself - to reflect on the true meaning of this season! When you feel overwhelmed with all of the preparation...just stop, be still, and remember that Jesus is all that really matters!

Merry Christmas, friends!!

My funny boys!

2010-12-18T09:11:00.004-05:00

It's been almost a month since I've posted! Gosh, I'm sorry! What can I say??? It's Christmas time, and it's just crazy! Here are some funny pictures of my boys :) Merry Christmas!!

The mullet...to cut or not to cut...that is the question!

The boys made a gingerbread man with Grandmommy.

One of Jack's latest little tricks...saying "getcha getcha getcha." He thinks he's so funny!!

Wrestle Mania with Papaw

And you see who won!!!

Watoto

2010-11-24T23:58:00.004-05:00

It is fitting that tonight, I got to see the Watoto Childrens' Choir from Uganda, Africa perform at a local church. Oh my goodness...my heart is just overflowing!!! I have seen the choir twice before and each time, I seem to forget how wonderful it is! First of all, those kids can DANCE!!! Man, can they dance! They can sing. And they LOVE JESUS more than anything! Plus, they are all orphans who have been "adopted" by the Watoto ministry. Watoto has given them a home, a "family", three hot meals a day, school, medical care, clean clothes...everything they need in order to feel safe and secure. But more importantly, the Watoto ministry has given them hope...hope for today and hope for their future. They have learned that God loves them - if they were abandoned, left for dead, or orphaned by AIDS or war - they know that regardless of all of their pain, God will never leave them and never forsake them, and He loves them!

To see the joy in their eyes - knowing that they have every reason in the world to hang their heads - is so inspiring and humbling. To hear their little voices praise God, to see them dance with sweat dripping from their chins, to see their bright smiles...it makes my heart smile. It makes me realize what it means to truly serve God, to love Him and worship Him, and praise Him with EVERYTHING you are. They do! They realize - more than most of us do - that they owe God everything! Some of these kids were orphaned toddlers on the streets! Some of them were abducted by rebels and forced to kill at an age when most children are playing on a swing set in the back yard! Their stories are incredible, but even though most of our stories are not even close to theirs, we still have our own battles. We still have times when we feel alone, abandoned, neglected, confused. We experience loss and hurt and disappointment.

Watoto has a message for whomever is watching, and that is "because of God, we have HOPE!" There is no problem too big for Him.

I'll admit, I've had a little bit of an emotional day just missing London. We finished decorating for Christmas, hung her sweet ornaments on our tree, hung her pink stocking in the center of the mantle...all of those things. I've just been sad today. So when I saw the video of precious, innocent babies who have been rescued from garbage piles, toilets, and the streets, I just couldn't help but get just mad that my baby died, and I wanted her more than ANYTHING in this world, yet people are just dumping their babies in the trash or flushing them down toilets! It's just so hard to even fathom how that could happen. Okay...off my soapbox now. Anyway, praise God that Watoto is saving these babies and nursing them back to health and allowing them to grow and prosper.

It's sort of like God with us. We are like helpless infants left for dead. If someone doesn't save us, we will surely die...we are hopeless. But just like Watoto, God comes along and rescues us. He cleans us up, nurses us back to health, heals our wounds, eases our pain, and saves us! He gives us hope for our future! Now that is something to be thankful for!

I was also reminded tonight that, in the midst of the childrens' hurt, pain, sadness and grief, they had JOY. They were so thankful, and they were still praising God! How often have I been sad or down, and I have just chosen to have a pity party and sulk and cry and bathe in my misery! It's happened a lot! You know what? Those kids are not having pity parties! They are CHOOSING to have joy, to see the glass half full, to count their blessings. If they can do it, so can I.

So, I am so thankful. I am thankful for my salvation and the assurance that God loves me although I disappoint Him and mess up often! I am thankful that I know that my baby girl is with Him, safe and secure. I am thankful for my precious boys who bring so much love and laughter and joy and happiness to my life. They are my everything! I am thankful for my husband who loves his family and loves the Lord. I am thankful for my church, my job and the children I work with, my wonderful friends and family, and my home. I am thankful that I can get out of bed every morning and be independent and go and do as I please. If you've ever seen the ESPN special on Kyle Maynard (google him and be amazed and inspired), you'll realize what a blessing it is to have arms and legs. I am thankful for little moments like now when I look next to me, and Jagger is asleep on the couch with his little Pirates of the Caribbean pj's on, cuddled in a blanket, and breathing softly.

There is just so much to be thankful for. I could just keep going and going. My point is that it is so easy to point out all that's going wrong. I'm speaking to myself here! It's so easy to focus on the negative - whether it's grief and sadness or spilling your coffee on your shirt! It's easy to point out the bad stuff and to sulk about it. But, it's so much more gratifying and fulfilling to point out the good, the positive, the blessings! After all, they are endless!

I challenge you - just as I challenge myself - to see the good, the positive, the blessings! Let's see the glass half full and have joy in our hearts because God loves us!!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

** In 2005, my dad, sister, aunt and other church members went to Uganda to build a home for the children in a Watoto village. I know from their experiences how pure and Christ-centered this ministry is, and I encourage you to visit their website at http://www.watoto.com/. Prepare for a blessing!

My handsome boys!

2010-11-18T23:48:00.008-05:00

A few days ago, I made an attempt to get at lease one good picture for Christmas cards. Although it was like herding cattle trying to get them to both look at me, face certain directions, and smile...we luckily got some cute shots! Here are my adorable little boys :)

And, NO, I didn't tell them to do that face! Not sure what they were doing...but isn't it cute?!!!

Should this be a poster for "Brotherly Love" or what?! My sweet boys...

Uhhh, wait a minute. Okay, maybe this would be a more accurate poster for "Brotherly Love". One tormenting the other. Yep, I think this is more accurate!

We went to Jackson's Orchard in Bowling Green, and the Cider Slider was a hit (isn't that a great name?)!! And it was free :) And there were maybe 5 kids there the day we went, so there was NO line! So...free and no line means that Jagger (and Jack and Daddy and Mommy) went down the Cider Slider a BUNCH!!!

Jonathan's hair blowing in the wind. Jack's little mullet blowing in the wind. Life is good!!

Wish we had one in our back yard!

Major progress :)

2010-11-11T22:08:00.004-05:00

If you have read very much of my blog, you have seen where I have struggled with facing "baby girl" things. It has been very tough - and at times, impossible - for me to even look at baby girls, hold baby girls, look at baby girl clothes at the store, and buy baby girl gifts. I had to leave my friend's baby shower at school one time because she was having a baby girl and when she started opening up all of the precious little "pink" things, I just couldn't take it. I ran to my classroom and bawled my eyes out. I couldn't visit my best friends for their baby showers, I didn't go to the hospital when their baby girls were born, and I couldn't even go to see their babies for quite a while...and they were my best friends.

You may think that's just ridiculous, and you may be totally right. I will say that I tried, but my emotions just got the best of me back then. I explained my feelings and my struggles to my friends and they were wonderful at understanding and respecting my feelings.

Okay, having said that...yesterday at school, we had a baby shower for two teachers at our school. One teacher is having a baby boy next month, and the other teacher has a 3 month old baby girl. Her husband and baby girl came to the shower, too. Would you believe that I actually was in a store and chose to look at baby girl clothes, choose a precious little outfit for her, and I bought it! And to top it off, I even picked out a pink, "girl" card for her. I actually bought it willingly and without tears! The outfit even said, "Apple of Mommy's Eye", and I didn't even cry!

During the shower, I was totally fine (as I expected) as my one friend opened all of the precious little blue things for her baby boy. Surprisingly enough, I was completely fine as my other friend opened all of the prissy, pink things for her baby girl. I didn't even feel sad. And...I even held her baby girl almost the entire time.

Do you know how big of a deal this is for me? I know, I know...it sounds goofy. It may sound ridiculous. Well, let me just say that this is the second time that I have bought a baby girl outfit in 3 years. For the longest time, I wouldn't even go near the "girl" section in the store, and I would buy a general baby card - definitely not a "little girl" card. I usually bought gift cards so that I wouldn't have to deal with the pain. The hurt was too deep, and it was very hard to have "joy" for someone else who was having a precious little girl.

Again, it wasn't their fault. It was just my grief, and it controlled me for a long time. I feel like I have really accomplished something after enduring the baby shower without sadness or tears. I look back and remember when my friend at school (who lost her baby boy to a heart defect 27 years ago) told me that some day I would be able to to endure the hurt, that it wouldn't be so gut-wrenching, and I would smile again. Back then, I thought it was absolutely impossible. Now, I know she was right. And even more than that, yesterday was just one sign that God truly carries us through our trials, our burdens, our sadness and despair. He pulls us through, and if we stick it out, he allows us to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I know I will have many many many more sad moments when I grieve my London. But...I also know that for the most part, "Weeping has turned to Joy", and for that, I am thankful!!!

Where does London fit in?

2010-10-25T22:14:00.003-04:00

First, let me say that I am sorry for neglecting my blog. I think about it every day - how I need to post, how I wish I had something insightful to share. The truth is that when I started this blog, I needed a constant outlet for my grief. I wanted to share my heart with others who may be struggling, too. Don't get me wrong, I still need this outlet for my grief, and writing is so therapeutic for me. However, I do not feel the constant need for journaling and venting like I used to - thank goodness. My bad days are few and far between. I think about London every day, and I have sad moments often, but they are not crippling like they used to be. I can handle them now. On top of that, I am just busy - just as all of you are! Keeping up with my two boys is a full time job. Right now, they're asleep, the house is quiet and still, and I can actually sit and blog! So, I will take advantage - if I don't fall asleep, too!

I love fall. I love the cool air, the gorgeous colors of the changing leaves, I love taking my boys to the pumpkin patch, carving jack-o-lanterns, decorating for Halloween. I love candy corn mixed with peanuts, the smell of harvest candles, our annual trip to Gatlinburg. I love the anticipation of the holidays...Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I love fall!

Fall is also hard for me. As much as I love fall and the holidays, this is also a time when the reality of life without London is so tough. It's tough all the time - any time of the year. But, there's just something about this time of year. It's a time when children are excited, costumes are chosen, candy is eaten :), family is cherished, and we reflect on all that we are thankful for...all that we have, all that God has blessed us with. It hurts when someone is missing during this time. For me, London is missing. I can't help but think...what costume would she wear on Halloween? What would she be saying and doing? How would Thanksgiving be with all three of my children sitting around the table? What would our Santa picture look like, our Christmas Cards, Christmas morning? What would London's jack-o-lantern look like this year (I let Jagger design his own...ha!). Those are some things I think about.

Now, here's where I struggle. Where does London fit in? She's our daughter, she's the boys' sister, she is a part of our family. But...how far do I take it? I totally recognize that it really doesn't matter what other people think as far as how I deal with my grief. My story is my story, and my loss is my loss. However, I become uncomfortable or unsure sometimes about how to appropriately include London without being obsessed with keeping her memory alive or being depressing to others. Let's face it, it's sad to talk about or remind people about my daughter who died. I know that. But, at the same time, it makes me equally sad to pretend that she never existed!

Here are things that would have never crossed my mind - as far as what people go through with grief and loss - before I lost London. When I sign a birthday card, I put "Ashlee, Jonathan, Jagger and Jack". I ALWAYS think about the fact that I should be signing London's name. On our Christmas cards, I struggle with what to put or which pictures to include. Do I include a small picture of London? Or would that be inappropriate or depressing? Do I put "...and our angel London" again under our names, or is that inappropriate? When people ask me about my children who haven't seen me in a while, should I mention London right off the bat or is that a bit forward and depressing for them? When people laugh about Jack's funny disposition and say, "Oh, that's the second child for you...", do I correct them and say that he's the third child? Wouldn't that make them uncomfortable? For me, it makes me uncomfortable to ignore London and overlook the fact that she was/is my second child. Jack is the "youngest" child...not the "second" child.

Having vented and said all of that, I completely - without a doubt - understand why people say and do the things they do. They forget. I forget others' struggles sometimes. That's just how it goes. As much as I know that London is cherished by so many, she is still overlooked. And that's normal. As time passes, memories become faint...that's just the way it is. But...as London's mommy, I still have the desire to share her story. I still have the desire to show her off, to include her in our family. Maybe I'm holding on when I should be letting go a bit. Or maybe I'm just a mommy who loves her daughter more than anything in this world - equally as much as I love my sons - and I just don't want her to be forgotten!

Yesterday, Jonathan carved pumpkins for the boys. They loved getting all the "guts" out - and slinging them on each other, by the way! Jagger designed his jack-o-lantern face, and after they were both finished, we sat them on the front porch for all to see. I - as I usually do - felt like we should've carved a third pumpkin for London. After all, there are 2 pumpkins on the front porch for my boys. Should I carve one for her? Or...again...is that just a bit much? Do I need to move on? I told myself today (as I thought about it) that our jack-o-lanterns represent our boys...the ones who live here and celebrate here, and that the reality is that London is not here. I had to tell myself that I don't need to feel guilty for "leaving London out".

See what I mean? It's a constant struggle, a constant battle for when to include London and when to let her go. After all, she's not being left out of ANYTHING where she's at!! In fact, I'm sure she's in the center of a major celebrations, major holidays, parties, praising, worship, laughter, singing, dancing, playing...you name it! She's in the presence of my Jesus...my savior! And I'm sitting here feeling bad because she doesn't have a jack-0-lantern on our porch! Now that puts it in perspective!

It's hard to separate my human feelings and wants from my spiritual knowledge of how it "really is". I am just thankful that I know how it "really is", and that I have the peace of mind to know that London is absolutely, positively happy in heaven. Peace of mind doesn't take away the hurt, but it gives me hope. It allows my mind to rest and puts my heart at ease.

I ask for your prayers. Although it's been three years and we are doing SO much better now than back then, we still struggle. We still are a family of 4 who should be a family of 5. We still ache for our daughter. I have so many friends who, too, are aching for their precious children whom they've lost. I guess we should celebrate that all of those babies are together in the arms of Jesus. They're all fine, perfectly whole, and having way more fun than they could ever have here! But...we are not with them...and it hurts. Pray for my friends who still struggle. You may not know their names, but God does. Thank you...

For now, I will continue shouting London's name loud and clear as I see fit! I will never cease to share her story and God's incredible mercy and grace upon my life. Although I do not understand His ways, I trust Him and I know He has my daughter safe in His arms.

I'm so behind!! Catching up...

2010-10-07T00:24:00.005-04:00

Jagger in his homemade karate uniform...a pillowcase! He thought he needed to wear it for his party, of course.

Sisters of the bride...

Where are the boys?! I'm totally shocked that we had a picture made without the boys! Reminds me of when we were dating...wow, that's strange!

There they are :) Back to normal...

I am so sorry that it's been nearly a month since I have posted. There are really no new excuses...just the same one...I've been busy! There's rarely ever time to sit down at the computer and just share my heart or my pictures. My little ones demand my attention most of the time!

I am so behind on posting pictures, so here are a few. I will catch up soon, I promise :)

London's "Angel Day"

2010-09-13T15:26:00.002-04:00

Exactly three years ago today, my uncle created this video of London. I wanted to share a glimpse of London's life with you on her angel day.

She would be 3

2010-09-11T00:31:00.016-04:00

The past week has been packed with big moments. Big wonderful moments. First of all, my sister got married last Saturday, and she's finally incredibly happy. The day was gorgeous, and it was the perfect outdoor celebration! On Tuesday, Jagger turned 5!! I can't believe my baby is already 5 years old! When he was a baby, one of my friends told me that every stage, every age of having children is better than the last! I can honestly say that, although it's unbelievable that he's already 5, his age, his personality, sayings, his wit, his humor and laughter...everything about Jagger...is even better than ever! He has a gentle spirit, a kind heart, he is forgiving, tolerant, loving, and respectful. He's just a great kid, and I am so thankful for him!

Just as unbelievable as it is that Jagger is 5, it is equally as unbelievable that London would be 3 today. How have 3 years passed by so quickly? It's been 3 years since I held her, talked to her, smelled her, listened to her grunt, breathe, whimper and cry. It's been three years since my hopes and dreams and wishes for my miracle baby girl were shattered and destroyed. It's been three years since everything I ever believed in and trusted in was turned upside down, challenged, and tested to the max.

I never ever in a million years believed that I would endure the loss of a child. And when it happened, I never believed that I would survive it. I never believed that I would ever smile again, laugh again, and enjoy life again. People used to say that time heals. Honestly, I wanted to knock them out three years ago! Now...I believe them. After three years, I'm not completely "healed", but oh my goodness...I am so much farther than I was three years ago. I look back and I can say I survived, I endured, I can smile, I have laughter and joy again. In fact, I used to meditate on the verse Psalm 30:5 which says, "Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning." I used to hope that it were true...that I would have joy again and that the black clouds would roll away. Thankfully, it is true, and God does comfort the broken hearted.

Now, let me assure you...I am still sad. I am so sad today. I have cried my eyes out today, and the anticipation of this day has brought many tears for the past few days. My heart is still broken. My heart still aches for London...to hold her, talk to her, listen to her voice, to hear her laughter. To see the love between her and her brothers...and to see her annoy them, too! I wish I could see her priss around in girly outfits and bows and high heels, while carrying purses and baby dolls! I missed out on that! All I can do is imagine. All I can say is "I wonder" or "What if". Most of the time, this reality is bearable. My grief is not triggered as easily as it used to be. I can tolerate seeing baby girls now, seeing girl clothes in the store, and even buying baby gifts. I have come to terms with the fact that I will always be outnumbered in a house full of boys!! My girly sidekick is not here, and she never will be. But...my boys are equally as wonderful and awesome and precious! It's just that she is not here with them.

It's not about having a girl or a boy. It's about carrying my precious baby for 9 months, feeling her kick and move, learning her personality in the womb, and anticipating her arrival - only to have her torn from my life after just two days. It's about making every careful decision to try to ensure that London got the best medical care she could get...thinking that our decisions would "save her". Then, the tragic reality that I/we could not "control" the outcome. Nothing we did really mattered. That's how "small" we were in the grand scheme of things. What a wake up call it was.

The loss of London really challenged my relationship with Christ. At first, I felt so betrayed by Him, so let down, cheated, punished, mistreated...you name it. I went through a very difficult stage where I was SO angry at God. I was just so disappointed and hurt at Him - mainly because my world was turned upside down, my heart was ripped to shreds, and I could not understand WHY!!

The best advice I ever received regarding my anger was from my grief counselor. She told me that I should tell God exactly how I feel because He already knows how I feel, and He knows that I don't understand, and HE CAN HANDLE IT because he's God and He loves me anyway! Wow...that was a weight off my shoulders! I felt so guilty for being mad at Him. After a while, I slowly began to trust Him again, to believe in my heart that He wants good things for me, that He wants me to be happy. It took a while, though, and it definitely wasn't easy.

At the same time, I learned that when you hit rock-bottom, God is the only thing that can help you! Although I didn't understand His ways, He was ALL I had. My family couldn't fix it. I couldn't fix it. The only thing that could "fix" my broken heart was God. I heard a song by Natalie Grant called "Held" which says, "This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive. This is what it means to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything failed you'd be held." This song was and is still so true for me.

I still cannot understand - nor will I ever truly understand God's reasoning for giving and taking my London so soon. I will always have a huge void in my heart and in my home for my beautiful baby girl. I will ALWAYS wonder, imagine and dream of what life would be like with her in it. I will always have a scar from my broken heart. The hurt and the pain may get easier with time, but the scar will always be there. And I have to say that I'm okay with that.

I'm okay with that because I never ever want London to be forgotten. Her life has changed me forever. Because of London, I strive to capture every moment with my family, I hang on to every milestone, every precious saying from my boys, I care more, I am more sensitive to others' situations, and life is simply so much more precious to me now. Heaven means more than ever to me now. My salvation and certainty of my relationship with Christ means even more now. It's so "real" now because I know with all of my heart that London is there! Praise the Lord that this is NOT the end! I cannot imagine living life without the hope and assurance that I will see my baby again, and that this pain and hurt is not in vain!

Today, we visited London's grave and took her a dozen pink roses, like we have every year. This year, we released 3 balloons for her - one princess crown and 2 pink hearts. Jagger sent London a note on one of them, and here is what he told me to write (word for word): "Baby London, did you know you have a baby brother? It's your Birthday! I love you so much, and I wish you were here to see your brother. And I love you. Love, Big Brother Jagger and Baby Brother Jack"

It broke my heart. He loves his sister and grieves in his own way. Jonathan prayed as we gathered around her stone as a family. We were able to honor her and thank God for her. It was a special time. I am thankful that this day has come and gone. It was difficult, but we made it.

Jagger holding the "Princess" balloon with his note to London attached

If only it could reach heaven!

The two heart balloons...up, up, and away!

If only she were standing with them...

My dear friend, Abby, gave me these memorial frames...perfect for pictures and birthday wishes.

Bumps, bruises and other stuff :)

2010-08-26T15:58:00.006-04:00

CRACK ATTACK!! Jack has gotten into a habit of pushing his diaper down, and trying his best to get it off. This is what he looks like most of the time when he's just in a diaper!

Nothing more soothing than the sound of your 18 month old banging on pots and pans!!

Not sure what he was doing in this picture, but that's quite a face :)

Jack has started sleeping with Jagger a lot. He loves Jagger's bed. When I went to get them up the other morning, this is what I saw!

For the past 2 weeks, we've had the "back to school germs" at our house. Both boys have had strep throat, and both boys have had a stomach virus! It has not been fun, but it's been very eventful at our house! This picture looks adorable, but really, I had to stick him in the kitchen sink because he threw up all over me and the entire kitchen!! You'd never know by looking at him here, would you?! Thank goodness (and knock on wood), they're all better now!

Jack is our wild boy (how many times have I said that?!). He's only 18 months old, and he decided that he's tired of his crib. In fact, he decided he was NOT going to stay in the crib, and was so adamant about it that he FLIPPED OUT one night when I was trying the "tough love" thing. That's what I get for letting him cry. As a result, we've already changed his crib into a "big boy bed". Well, he's not real happy about that either! He'd rather sleep with his "Gagger".

That's Jack for ya! Rotten!

Can you see his skinned up nose from falling out of his crib? He also had carpet burn on his forehead! Poor little guy.

Another one of Jack's latest things is trying on shoes...his shoes, Jagger's shoes, my shoes, Jonathan's shoes...any body's shoes! On this particular day, he wanted his little church shoes!! Actually they were Jagger's, and they're still a little bit big for Jack, but we laughed our heads off at him in these big black shoes...and a diaper!!!

Hilarious! The laughter continued until he tripped going from our TV room to the sun room (there's a step there)...and got a big goose egg on his forehead. It actually scared me, but I kept telling myself, "Ashlee, he's a boy. Boys get goose eggs. Calm down, he's fine!!" Well, he was fine, but he had a good knot to show for it.

Do you see his green bruise on his head?

Boys boys boys...I'm in for it!!!

Why I love what I do :)

2010-08-14T07:09:00.004-04:00

We're back to school...we survived the first full week, and I am EXHAUSTED!!! Isn't that ridiculous?! Listen, when you've been out of the routine for 2 months, it's a little hard to get used to "working" again! We teachers are spoiled, I know. I was a little grumpy about giving up my summer break and starting school again. Well, I'm that way every August...but, I realized this week - once again - why I do what I do.

I get hugs every morning from precious children. I get to listen to stories from 5 year olds...some that make completely no sense at all, might I add! But...they love sharing, and I love listening to them tell me big tales :) I love the grammatically incorrect phrases that they say. I love their little speech impediments at that age. I love that some of the children feel their safest and most secure at school. There are children in foster care, children living in conditions that wouldn't be appropriate for animals, children dealing with fighting in the home, children that are hungry, dirty, neglected and abused.

What I love about teaching is that it's REAL. It's dealing with real people, real issues, and real accomplishments. It's seeing a child have pride in themselves for the first time. It's celebrating even the smallest accomplishments like learning a new color, a new letter, tying their shoes, writing their name, and even going to the potty by themselves. Every day, I realize something that I take for granted. The children teach me as much about life as I teach them...and sometimes more.

Of course, I get tired and I get frustrated at times. The paperwork gets overwhelming. The demands, changes and expectations get overwhelming. But...I love the children, and that's why I teach. It's worth it. I thank God that for my job, for the wonderful people I work with, and for the opportunities I have to make a wonderful difference in the lives of children.

Where the wild things are :)

2010-07-30T08:20:00.010-04:00

Eight of us went to the Louisville Zoo this week and had a great time! The weather was wonderful and the kids had so much fun. Jack LOVED all of the animals. We didn't go last year, so this was his first trip to the zoo. Here are the boys, Jagger and Jack, Jett and Guy (our cousins) in the safari bus!

Daddy, Jack and the rhinos

Jagger, Afton (my sister), Jett and Guy on a wooden, ummm, I think it's a buffalo :)

Me, Jack, Jagger, & Jonathan

Jack and Daddy in the penguin exhibit. It smelled absolutely DISGUSTING!!!

They loved the tiger.

This poor gorilla just crossed his arms and started munching when we walked up - minding his own business.

Afton, Jagger, Guy and Jett

Check out these hippo choppers!

This poor little goat had the most hilarious teeth and bite!

We obviously were not at the zoo in this picture, but it's too cute not to share! Jagger has become quite the swimmer - and dare devil - this summer!

Grief: the good, the bad, and the ugly

2010-07-25T21:58:00.009-04:00

* This is long, but I'm struggling tonight, so I'm journaling about what's on my heart.

Three years ago this month, Jonathan and I were consumed with our preparation for London. We were traveling to Cincinnati for doctor visits, meeting with pediatric cardiologists, going twice per week to the local hospital for fetal heart monitoring sessions. We were also trying to prepare for the month (or more) stay away from home while London recovered from her first of three open heart surgeries. It was stressful to think about how we would be there for London while still being with Jagger and meeting his needs (he had just turned 2 when she was born). We had to make arrangements for work, for our dogs at home, our mail, and so many other things.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I packed the diaper bag with all of the things that I thought London would need...precious frilly, pink, floral outfits with matching headbands and bows; little Lacy socks to go with every outfit; plush, pink blankets; newborn diapers; pink pacifiers; a couple of little toys (probably didn't need toys, but oh well!), and a few other things. I was ready! Her room was ready. Every precious dress was hung in her closet. Every little onesie with all the prissy sayings were folded perfectly in her dresser drawers. Her little stockings were tucked away with her bloomers, socks, and hair bows. I couldn't wait to see her fat little legs crammed in a pair of stockings!! Her room was clean, brand new and was missing only one thing...her :) Our house was prepared. The bassinet was by the couch downstairs, and all the other supplies were organized in convenient places around the house. We had prayed, our entire community was praying for us, and we just felt hopeful...anxious and maybe a bit scared, but excited at the same time.

We knew that our lives were about to change. After finding out on May 14 (the day after Mother's Day) that London had a severe heart defect, we had grieved for 2 months already. At this point (late July), we had sort of taken it in and were kind of accepting the biggest, scariest news of our lives. We just wanted to see our baby girl. We knew we had big challenges, but all of that was secondary to our desire to meet our daughter...to see her little face, hold her, hug her, hear her, smell her...finally just be with her after 9 months of waiting!

The time arrived for London to be born. I was induced on Sept. 10, and London was born at 3:02 pm on Sept. 11 (memorable day already, huh?). She was so beautiful, perfect, and chubby! She looked like Jagger, she had a strong cry, and the nurses and doctors were impressed with how great she was doing. You would NEVER know that anything was wrong with her if you weren't aware. I can honestly say that I had this peace that truly surpassed all understanding. I interpreted that peace as "London was going to be fine". Looking back, maybe I was just in denial that something was "wrong" since she seemed so perfectly normal. Plus, I don't think I ever let my mind go there. I knew babies with HLHS could die, but I also just "knew" that London would not be one of them! That would certainly not happen to ME! Regardless, God did give me a wonderful sense of peace.

For two days, our lives absolutely changed in the most incredible ways. We got to be London's Mommy and Daddy. Jagger got to be the big brother, and life was great...not without worry or anxiety...but great. However, on Sept. 13 at about 8:25 pm, out worst nightmare became our reality. London did not survive her surgery.

Now, fast forward to today...

I'm just having a really bad/sad day. I'm thinking about every detail of our experience, and every aspect of London. I just miss her so terribly. This happens every month or so, yet not always to this extreme. Yesterday and today, I have just been in a sour mood - a little grumpy, anxious, stressed - but I didn't really know why. Then tonight, I looked at London's picture at home, and I just began crying - and crying - and bawling - and being consumed with my emotions...I couldn't stop. It came out of the blue, but I realized that I hadn't had a good "cry" in a while, and that's exactly what I needed to do.

I went to Jack's room (London's room) alone, sat in my glider, and just wept. That room is absolutely Jack's room now - just as it should be. However, for that moment, I just allowed myself to remember London's room - her clothes in the closet, her pink cowgirl boots on her dresser, the pink glider that I never rocked her in...I just basically let myself grieve without reservation, without worrying what Jonathan or the boys would think, without caring...and I grieved until I felt better. And I do... I feel better, I feel lighter, I feel somewhat free from the shackles of grief. That is, until the next time this happens.

As much as I hate the realization that London is not here and will NEVER be here with us, I still recognize and appreciate the fact that my grief keeps her close to me. It reminds me how much I love her, and what an impact she has on my life. If I never grieved, then I would never reflect on my love for her and her importance in my life.

It's just hard. I know that everyone has their battle. Most of us have loved and lost someone in our lives - someone who you would give anything just to have them in your arms again. Now, what do we do when we know that will never happen? Panic? Maybe. Get angry? Probably. Blame God or someone? Usually. Cry and ask 'why'? Yes, if you're normal.

But, one thing we cannot do is stay put in one of those phases of grief and sadness. Some of the phases last longer than others, and that's okay. I've gone through all of them. I've felt denial, anger, depression, anger again (anger towards God, too), bitterness, jealousy (of others with healthy babies), and more. I felt guilty for feeling some of these ways, but when you've experienced one of life's most horrible tragedies, you just can't predict how you'll feel. I never knew how powerful the journey of grief can be. I know, though, that God wants us to experience joy again. He wants us to be happy. We have to work at it, though, and that can be hard. God wants to see how we handle our challenges. Do we give up, grow bitter and hateful, or do we continue praising Him and thanking Him for all of the other wonderful things that He has given us...even in the midst of our grief? Do we use our experiences to help others and make some kind of "good" come of our tragedy? His ways are not our ways, and He sees the big picture. I wish I could see the big picture sometimes, don't you? I am so thankful that I know that I know that I know that I will see London again. That's reason enough to continue praising God in the midst of my grief. He is good, and He is faithful (even when I am not).

Whew...I sure feel better after writing that book and getting all of my feelings off of my chest! Wake up, if you fell asleep reading that!!! Until next time...

Just my usual wild boys

2010-07-22T00:03:00.003-04:00

We can see the railroad tracks from our house, and Jack is obsessed with "coo coo" trains! He always gets on the couch to watch them pass. However, the other day, I probably turned my head for 10 seconds, and this is what I saw!!! Yes, my camera was close, and instead of rushing to get him before he fell backwards, I (being a "perfect" mother) took his picture instead!! Anyway, he's such a climber. No, he didn't fall :)

Jagger & Jack at Mimi and Poppy's house

These two boys are good buddies :) Jack loves his granddad ("dan-dad").

Mimi, Jack, Jagger, & Poppy

I couldn't help it...I had to take this picture of Jack's dirty piggies! It really doesn't even do them justice. The only word I can think of when explaining just how filthy they were is, well (as my sister calls them)...grocery store feet!! :) You know what I'm talking about...well, we DO live in Kentucky :)

30??? Whoah!!!

2010-07-15T10:25:00.005-04:00

Well, I am absolutely without-a-doubt not in my 20's any more! Yesterday, I turned the big 30! I admit, the anticipation of the big day was a little rough for me. I would catch myself thinking about the fact that although I feel like I'm still "college" age, now I am SO NOT college age!! I am not "young" any more (from my perspective)! In fact, I kept thinking about my vague memories of my own mother's 30th birthday!! Yes, I was 8 when my mom turned 30, and I remember :) Jonathan kept teasing me that I was like a used car...7 years, 30,000 miles...it's time to trade me in!! I had to quickly remind him that I was overdue on my trade because he's 35 already!

After my little pity party and moments of "shock" that I'm in a whole new age category, I found that the actual day was wonderful! Yesterday, I told Jonathan that the best present he could give me was a "me" day! I wanted a day where I could think clearly without distractions, I could go and do what I wanted without bored/mad/sad/sleepy/antsy little boys, and without feeling rushed or guilty that I had been gone too long, without calling every hour to make sure the boys were okay...I wanted to be selfish for just one day!!

Oh my goodness, it was AWESOME!!! I first got an hour-long massage. Have you ever gotten an hour-long massage??? If you haven't, then you are missing on out on one of life's greatest pleasures!! It was absolutely wonderful. I think I enjoyed it even more because I never lay still for an hour during the day anyway, and I definitely never have an hour where I'm being completely pampered in a dark room with soft, soothing music...on a heated bed!! I honestly couldn't even talk, I was so relaxed...and I think I drooled, too. Can you tell I enjoyed it??? It was actually my 4th one, but I wait like 2 years in between each one, and that is clearly way too long!! Anyway, after that, I got my haircut - which is totally pampering, too, because I love people playing with my hair! Then, I went shopping and shopping and shopping some more!! And I didn't buy the boys a thing!! I always end up buying for the boys when I shop. Yesterday, it was all about me! Doesn't that sound SO selfish???

Mom was cooking me dinner at 7, and I rolled up at her house at 6:30! I took full advantage of the day :) She cooked beef stroganoff - on of my favorites, with other goodies, plus a "Coke Cake" which is basically a rich, chocolate cake with peanut butter icing! It's one of my very favorites, and it was absolutely delicious!! I got sweet cards and gifts from my family, and we had a great time.

So...I realized yesterday, after feeling so rejuvenated and "alive", that 30 isn't quite so bad! In fact, as I thanked God for the day, I couldn't help but think of all the blessings He has given me in my 30 years...a wonderful childhood with wonderful parents and sisters; my health and physical/mental abilities to be successful and independent; a great career that I love; a loving husband; 3 beautiful children; a beautiful home; wonderful friends and family; and the strength and perseverance to make it through life's greatest challenges. My aunt Cely told me last week that her 30's have been the best years of her life because in your 30's, you are who you are, no one is trying to mold you, influence you...and you learn to love yourself and find peace with who you really are. So...I am looking forward to this new decade, and I'm certain that when I hit 40, 30 really won't seem so old!!!

Here's to getting older!! Because it totally beats the alternative...

On a lighter note...

2010-07-10T08:41:00.003-04:00

I thought these were too pretty not to share. I took these pics in my mom's flower garden.

We went to Grandmother & Granddad's and picked corn. Jagger helped shuck it for the first time. That didn't last long!

This was the best part of the day! Jack is obsessed with tractors...I mean, obsessed! He loved Granddad's "ta-ter" and threw a good fit when it was time to get off :)

The boys are really starting to play together, and it is so sweet to see. This is their latest game...Jagger lifts Jack (he thinks he's so strong to be able to carry him) into the dump truck. Then he pushes him so fast that if he wrecked, there would be major tears, but Jack laughs so hard that the speed is totally worth the risk, I guess. I'm the party pooper mom who tells him to slow down all the time, and it ruins the fun.

Jack then pushes Jagger with all his might until they run into something. He thinks he's really big stuff to be able to push his brother around. I'm slowly learning that I'm going to be a ball of nerves with 2 boys around!!

Hurting Hearts

2010-07-07T23:54:00.007-04:00

As wonderful as life is, and as abundant as God's blessings are, there are times when sadness is so overwhelming. I have so many people on my mind and my heart who need serious prayer. The first little guy is Luke Sexton. Luke was born last week with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, just like my London, and he is fighting for his life. God is using Luke and his parents, Benson and Kristin, in mighty ways already. Their faith and trust in His plan is amazing. You will be blessed by reading their blog at http://www.lukesexton.blogspot.com/. Please pray for Luke!!

The other little guy who is on my heart is David Elliott. David will be a 3rd grader at my school. On Sunday, July 4, David and his mother - along with other family and friends - were on a boat, and one of the adults thought they would let David drive the boat. I don't know the whole story, but somehow, the boat slammed into a dock, and David's mother endured traumatic injuries and died. David and his family moved here due to the military, his dad is a doctor, and his mom stayed at home with him. David is an only child, and his mom dropped him off and picked him up every day from school, volunteered at school, etc. They were best buddies. My heart is absolutely broken for this 7 year-old child. Not only is his best buddy gone, but I fear that he will feel guilty for wrecking the boat and causing his mother's death. Who will take care of him? How will his dad adjust his schedule to meet his needs as his mother did. Who will do his laundry, cook him dinner, run his bath water, kiss him goodnight. I know his daddy can, but his mommy is gone - forever. I am so sad. Please pray for this child and his family.

Another person on my heart is Rhonda Shrader. She is an acquaintance of mine who helped me so much when London died because she had also lost an infant daughter. Also, Rhonda's mom is our 'mail lady' at school. Rhonda has a healthy daughter and son, but in between them, she lost a daughter. Last year, she became pregnant with another baby girl, Carter. Long story short...at 20 weeks, Rhonda and her husband learned that Carter had holes in her heart and possibly chromosomal abnormalities. Later ultrasounds were encouraging because the holes were healing, and Carter seemed to be doing fine. They knew that when she was born, she would either need heart surgery immediately or at a later time because she still had a hole in her heart, but they were prepared for that. Tragically, it was determined that Carter had Edward's Syndrome (Trisomy 18), and she passed away.

Rhonda survived losing one baby. I mean, after all, that could take a lifetime. But...how in the world does a mother endure losing 2 babies? What in the world do I say to her? What do I say to her mother when I see her at school? I absolutely cannot imagine going through the horrific loss twice. My heart aches for her and her family. Will you pray for her?

Thank you so much for taking the time to lift these individuals up in prayer. There are many others who need prayer as well for so many reasons. Sometimes, all we can really do for someone who is in the deepest valley is pray for them and trust that God will meet their needs. He hears our prayers, and He comforts the broken-hearted.

Fun with Friends

2010-07-04T11:25:00.004-04:00

Last week, Jagger and I went with our friends to Beech Bend park in Bowling Green for a full day of fun in the sun! The kids had a blast, and the parents had fun, too...until the kids got exhausted and whiny and needed naps, but didn't want to leave - you know what I'm talking about!! All we could do was laugh at them at that point!

Jagger & Blake

Jagger & Blake again...before the Haunted House. They did NOT like the Haunted House. They were brave at first and insisted on riding it, but when we came out (I rode with them), Blake said, "Okay, that was NOT COOL!!!"

Meredith, Addie, Brady, Blake & Jagger

One funny thing is that the adults argued over who would ride the round and round rides with the kids who had to have an adult!! I got suckered into the Tilt-A-Whirl...thankfully it was towards the end of the day!

Our summer so far

2010-06-29T08:51:00.006-04:00

We've had a very good summer so far. We've been busy doing a lot of nothing :) Here are a few pictures of the boys from the past few weeks.

We visited my friend, Brooke, at her parents' house. The boys loved playing with her little boy, Will, and they got to feed chickens!! Jack kept saying "bah, bah, bah" (what chickens say) and "too-ter" (rooster, of course!)

Jagger helped Grandmommy water her flowers. Yes, that's a basket on his head!

Jack loves books! This is one of his favorites, Brown Bear, Brown Bear...and he loves the "tee-tat" (kitty cat)!

My friend, Brittany, and I took Jagger and Reese to Holiday World. They had a great time! It was such a nice place...especially the free soft drinks :) Jagger & Reese loved the water. It was hot!

This is Jagger & Jett's pool house. Pretty creative, huh?

Spaghetti anyone?

Compliments of Grandmommy and Papaw's sandbox! Is this a typical boy or what???

Especially with the bump on his head!

He loves the water and his boat.

Jagger is officially a swimmer!! He can now swim in the deep end without a life jacket!! I never dreamed he would be able to swim this summer, but I am so relieved! This was one of the first times he jumped off the diving board!!

Praying Mason

2010-06-07T22:55:00.005-04:00

My dear friend, Karen, called me and asked if she could send a very special picture to me. She said that her two-year-old son, Mason, has been watching children's movies by Max Lucado. One of them is about a preying mantis who doesn't know how to pray, so God sends him a bench to help him pray. One day, Karen, her husband, and Mason went to the playground at church and decided to walk around the cemetery. As they were passing London's grave, Mason (without any prompts) knelt down at London's bench and began to pray.

Karen didn't want to upset me by sending it. I admit that when I saw it, tears streamed down my face. But these were not just tears of sadness. They were also tears of gratitude - to Karen and to God. I am so thankful that Karen would capture this moment and choose to share it with me. To me, this picture is a testament of God's love for us and for children. It shows that even a 2-year-old can go to our Heavenly Father in prayer. It's also a testament of His availability to us, and I find comfort that He keeps his promises...that my baby is safe in His arms and I will see her again.

There is nothing more precious and pure than seeing a child praying. Karen and her husband are an example of Godly parents who are teaching their child what it means to love God and to trust Him. Because of that, God used Mason to bless my heart beyond what words can express.

Lovin' the weather...and the pool!

2010-06-05T07:56:00.003-04:00

It didn't matter that the water was freezing...Jagger & Jett were determined to enjoy the pool being open! Their lips were purple, but it was worth it!

PEEK-A-BOO!!!

Is there anything sweeter?

Bobble-head Jack!!

Jack is LOVING his brother's driving! Could this be a preview of the future?! Oh no!

On the road again...

We are officially on Summer Break!!! Woo hoo!!! Let the laziness begin!!! Have a great day!

I'm sorry I've neglected you!

2010-05-25T22:16:00.010-04:00

I'm starting to feel very guilty about neglecting my blog. I'm sorry. I could go on and on with excuses, but the truth is that I'm just busy! The reason I started this blog over a year ago was to channel my grief into something positive. I wanted to share my story, share my journal entries, etc. in hopes that someone out there could be helped by my story. It was for me - an outlet. It has also become a community. I have met so many people and heard so many stories of others who have dealt with pain and grief of all kinds. I have been helped by you as much as I have intended to help others. The blessings from creating this blog have been great. I do feel bad, though, that I do not spend as much time updating it as I used to. I apologize!

I am happy to say that I feel like I'm doing well with my grief. Maybe it's because we're on the go all the time now, and even when we're at home, I'm on the go chasing a wild one-year-old around, and playing Army or wrestle-mania with Jagger! My mind has very few chances to be still or to "think" too much. However, regardless of how busy I am, I still feel like I'm doing well. I haven't cried over London in a while now -since Mother's Day, I think. That seems so crazy for me to even say that. I mean, I never dreamed I would get to this point, but I am so thankful that I am here.

It's strange that the hurt is still so deep, yet I am okay. In fact, I can honestly say that I feel happy! Now, don't get me wrong...I am always reminded that London is not here with me. I mean, something (or several things) happen daily that - for a split second - remind me of London and all that I am missing. It's how I handle those thoughts and triggers that is so absolutely completely different now than it was months ago. When London died, people would say, "It's just going to take time" or "time will heal the pain". At the time, I wanted to gag at the cliche'. However, it is so true. Time is the best medicine for pain and grief. Time and God's help, that is.

Let me be honest. I say I'm doing great, and I do feel like I am. But...I have only watched London's video once, and that was weeks after she died. I have heard her cry and her grunts, and watched me cuddle her in my arms and in her daddy's arms, and gazed at her every move...just one time in nearly 3 years. It honestly scares me to death to think of putting that tape in and watching it. I'm afraid of how I will feel. I'm afraid of losing it again. I haven't let my guard down like that in so long, and I just don't think I'm ready to deal with those emotions again. Not now. I guess it's okay to tuck that sacred tape away until I want to "go there" again. No matter how good I think I'm doing, I think there's always something that could take me "there" again. It's just a matter of choosing when to actually go "there" with my grief.

Until then, I will continue to heal, bask in the blessings that God pours out on me and my family daily, and be thankful. No matter our situation or circumstance - how wonderful or how horrific - there is always something to be thankful for. It may be something so tiny, and it may be really hard to see - especially when you're in the depths of despair - but it's there.

When I was pregnant with London, and we had found out about her condition, one of my best friends gave me a framed Bible verse that had helped her when she went through a very hard time. It has become one of my very favorite verses because it continues to encourage me, just as it did then.

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, plans to give you a future and a hope." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

There was a time when I "hoped" this would be true. Now, I know it's true. Am I scarred? Absolutely! Am I still sad? Of course. I always will be. Let's face it - I have been changed because of London. Losing London, loving London, and living without London defines so much of who I am - and it always will. At the same time, I am living with a wonderful husband and two amazing little boys that bring so much joy and laughter to my life, not to mention a great job, awesome family and friends, a wonderful church...the list goes on. I'm not trying to sound like my life is perfect. Believe me, as easily as I can mention the awesome things in my life, I could also list all the burdens in my life. There are plenty, but I will choose not to depress you with them. My point is that I have to choose to see the blessings. I have to choose to recognize the good in my life.

It has taken me a long time to get to this point, and I am still on my grief journey, but I have come such a long way. Praise the Lord that weeping really does turn to joy!

A busy couple of weeks!

2010-05-10T19:32:00.006-04:00

I apologize that I have neglected the blog for a couple of weeks. Life has been very busy lately! Jagger started soccer at church for the Upward league, and he loves it! Jonathan's 35th birthday was Friday, so we celebrated that. Age doesn't bother him a bit. It is strange, though, to think he's already 35! Shouldn't we still be in college?! In July, I'll be 30...now that's crazy!

Mother's Day was really great. The first thing I did was spend some time talking to my baby girl at her grave. Now, I personally am not sure if London really hears me. I know that God hears me, so I tell him to tell her things for me. I would say she's too busy having fun with her angel friends on the streets of gold - being spoiled rotten by Jesus and so many loved ones who are with her! Either way, I had a few moments - just me and her. Mother's Day will always be bittersweet for me, and for any mother who has lost a child. There's a hole - a void - in my heart that will never be filled, as long as I live. However, as I have said before, I am so blessed with my precious little boys. They bring me such joy and happiness. They make me smile, and they remind me of God's goodness, His mercy, and His grace. I am thankful. In fact, this is how much I know I am loved by my boys...Jagger told me on Mother's Day this: "Mommy I love you all the way to Florida and Gatlinburg and back!!" Now that is love!! I am also thankful for my own mother. I have been so blessed to have a great mom.

Lately, I have been deeply reminded of the blessing of having my mother here with me, close by, and healthy. A dear friend of mine, Tiffany, has been by her mother's bedside, soaking up every moment with her because she knows there are few moments left - in this life. Tiffany's mom, Hazel, is losing her battle with cancer and could meet her Jesus face-to-face any moment. My heart aches for them. You may not know Tiffany, but will you take a moment and pray for her and her family - that they will have peace, strength and comfort as they go through this horrible time? There are so many broken hearts that I could mention. So many people are hurting and grieving in some way, and sometimes all we can do is pray for them.

To all of you, friends, who have lost your precious children and know the pain that I have felt in losing my London...I hope that you had peace and strength this Mother's Day. I thought of each of you and prayed for you, and I appreciate your love, your prayers and your support SO much!

Anyway, since it's been a while, I thought I would post some pictures. Enjoy :)

Jagger, Jack and Mommy - Jagger thought he needed to shed his shirt and put his baseball helmet on as soon as we got home today!

Ummm, could he look any more ROTTEN???

Jagger helped Grandmother pick strawberries at the garden on Mother's Day. He loves strawberries!

No, the camera was not fuzzy...that's smoke from 35 candles on Jonathan's cake!! Happy Birthday, honey!! Jagger and Jett helped him, of course.

Jagger took a breather during his game on Saturday. Thankfully, he didn't just sit down during the game...he was actually supposed to sit out! It's not like tee ball where he was doing snow angels in the dirt...he's grown up a bit since then!!

Another game...learning to stretch and get ready!!

Two weekends ago, we had a flood. I'm not complaining because so many people in Tennessee had it so much worse. We had some leaking in our cellar and a back yard full of water, but no real damage, thank goodness. Jagger and Daddy had fun exploring in the monsoon (our back yard)!

Mr. Independent got a hold of his "puffs", and you see what happened next! Notice the one stuck to his face :)

I hope you're all doing well! Have a great day. Until next time...

My silly boys :)

2010-04-26T22:26:00.003-04:00

Do you remember when I had the Southern Living party and Jagger wanted to keep the boxes? Well, here's another use for the boxes! Do you see him through the "windshield"? Pretty creative, huh?!

It's funny in the picture, but it was hilarious seeing it drive around like that!

Have you ever been this tired? I mean...drumstick in hand, in the middle of the living room floor...out! And being the classy parents we are, we just put a blanket over him and let him sleep right there for a while! We've learned (especially with Jack), you DO NOT WAKE a sleeping baby. Or, let me rephrase that. You DO NOT WAKE a sleeping Jack!!!

This was his doing. He's become quite the climber.

I should be embarrassed to show this, but instead I am choosing to laugh at it! This is the classic playroom - at its finest! As you can see, there is a threshold that separates the chaos from the relatively neat and clean rest of the house! I am proud to say that it is completely spic and span now...thanks to having to show the house. We can at least pretend (to lookers) that it's always clean and tidy! They don't have to see this picture :)

Jagger and Jett behind bars... Could this be a preview of the future?!!! Let's hope not! They were in a dog cage! I know it's gross...but I'm used to boys loving gross things, and I didn't really care to fight that battle.

We're going to be in for it when he can actually reach the pedals! He is - however - on the move now! He's officially walking. He still crawls sometimes, but he's getting really good at walking, and it is so precious! He's pretty proud of himself, too :)

Like 'em or not...

2010-04-11T00:26:00.015-04:00

Like 'em or not...tattoos are an art. Yes, they are a permanent art form that is forever stamped on a person's body, but they usually tell a story. Okay, so some people may not even remember getting their tattoo (scary thought!!), or they may regret getting their ex's name on their arm or Winnie the Pooh on their ankle (like Kate Gosselin from Jon & Kate Plus 8)!!

I admit, my senior year of college, my sister and I went to Florida for Spring Break, and yes...I rebelled and got a tattoo! I made absolutely sure that it was hidden enough so no one would see it. Believe me, I grew up thinking that tattoos were BAD and only bikers, inmates, and rock stars had them!

Okay, so I was a rebel and got a tattoo! If you know me already, you know that I was absolutely not the "rebellious" type. This was out of character for me...but I guess the excitement of "breaking the rules" was fun at the time!! So, as a result, I have a little sun permanently engraved on my hip...a sun that has absolutely no meaning! I even kept my "secret" from mom and dad for about 4 years...but I eventually confessed, and they didn't even get mad. I guess they realized it could have been worse :)

Anyway, up until I met Jonathan, I had always dated very preppy, clean-cut guys...guys with smooth faces, collared shirts and short hair...and no tattoos! When I met Jonathan, like a magnet, I found myself being drawn to his long curls, his scruffy face, his laid-back style, the fact that he sang in a band...and oh my...he had them. He had "TATTOOS"! Jonathan was unlike any guy I had ever dated...but it was so exciting :) I worried what my parents would think!

Let me also mention that Jonathan stole my heart because he was absolutely hilarious, he loved "Dumb & Dumber" (I was sold with that!), opened my car door for me every time (and still does), and had a loving and caring personality. He also comes from a family of Baptist preachers (his dad, grandfather, great grandfather, and 2 uncles are/were preachers), and he grew up singing gospel music in his dad's church. So, don't let the long hair, beard and tattoos fool you!

He also wore a suit and tie every day when I first met him, so he was actually a well-dressed long-haired guy with a scruffy face and tattoos - ha ha!

I wondered what my parents would say about me dating "a preacher's kid", too! You never know about those preacher's kids - ha ha! What a change that was from the norm! Nine years later, I have to say that there's still never a dull moment!!

Okay, so back to tattoos. Jonathan had 2 tattoos when we met, but neither had a significant meaning.

Then, on September 11 and 13, 2007, after carrying my precious baby girl for 38 weeks, feeling her kick and move and learning her habits in my belly, and anticipating life with my daughter... our London came and left like a vapor disappearing into thin air. Within two short days time - from Tuesday to Thursday - she miraculously arrived and was tragically torn from our lives. That was it. All the planning, all the doctors appointments, all the clothes, baby showers, hair bows, dresses, shoes, stockings, pink blankets...all the princess books, monogrammed bibs, pink engraved bibles, picture frames waiting to be filled, the bassinet waiting in the family room, her crib, the diaper bag in the car, the car seat in our car, her "going home" outfit...

All of it was over - finished - empty - useless. For 38 weeks, we had planned for this miracle, and for 2 days, just 2 days, we got to be with her - and then she was gone. Life as we knew it would never to be the same. Our dreams were destroyed, our plans were ripped to shreds, and our hearts were shattered.

Now, the scars are deep, and the pain can still be paralyzing at times. We as London's parents strive to keep her memory alive. We want to share her life - her short, but incredible life. We want to share her story, our journey, our pain and suffering, God's tender mercy and grace upon our lives in the midst of our grief, and His continued blessings.

One way that we have kept London's memory alive is by having her name tattooed on our wrists. I can't even count the number of times that individuals have asked me and Jonathan about her name on our wrists. Anytime we are asked about that "tattoo", we are able to tell about our London, and it's satisfying to know she is being remembered.

Jonathan had a memorial tattoo placed on his arm about a year ago. The quote on his tattoo is the same quote that is on the back of London's tombstone: Two Days in Our Arms; Forever in Our Hearts. The pink hearts symbolize Jonathan's love for his daughter and the fact that her heart was very special (HLHS). The pink roses symbolize our beautiful and fragile little girl and remind us of the pink roses that cascaded down her casket.

Not only did Jonathan get this memorial tattoo, but he also added London's footprints to his "collection" (he already had Jagger's footprints on his arm). Now, he has 3 little sets of footprints on his arms (once he started that, he had to get all three!)!

For a while now, I have been thinking of how I could put London's little footprints on my body. I found myself wanting a symbol of her with me always. I wanted her little feet on me...but I didn't just want plain footprints. Again, I wanted something that would show that London was my baby girl, and also that she is in heaven...I wanted it to tell a story. So, after several sketches and the image of London's hospital footprints, I finally created London's memorial tattoo and eventually got the courage to actually do it. To me, having her little feet embraced by angel wings and a halo was the perfect way to show that she is our little angel in heaven. I also chose to have her name, her birthday, and the day she met Jesus included. It's on the top/middle of my back.

I never in a million years thought that I would ever - I mean EVER - have 3 tattoos! I never even thought I would get 1 tattoo. Losing London changed me - in really big ways and in small ways. Whether getting a tattoo is big or small (in your opinion), I got 2 of them because of London, and I kind of felt like they were a big deal (since I'm not the "tattoo" kind of girl). I will not try to hide these like I did my Spring Break sun! In fact, I will gladly share them because they tell London's story - and my story. I wish I didn't even have a reason to want this tattoo. I wish my baby was here with me...but as a grieving mother, this is a satisfying way to remember her.

So, whether you like tattoos or not, whether you think they're beautiful or trashy, you never know when a person's tattoo may symbolize one of the most precious and meaningful things in their life or a situation that greatly defines who they are. And it just may be their way of boldly sharing their story and the story of the one they love and miss more than anything. To me, my new tattoo is sort of like a badge that I will always wear in honor of my baby girl...it's like a piece of her is with me always.

They say that once you get one, you can't stop. I'm up to 3...I HAVE to stop!!! Seriously...no more for me. Well, maybe I'll get "Property of Jonathan" somewhere!!! Did you think I was serious??!! I am totally kidding!

Have a good day :)

Happy Easter!

2010-04-05T11:31:00.004-04:00

Jagger thought he needed to "help" Jack smile! Jack was annoyed :)

Jagger and his cousin, Jett, at church. They look like little preachers, don't ya think?

Speaking of a little preacher...

We had a wonderful Easter.

I hope you did, too!

Spring is here!

2010-03-31T21:46:00.005-04:00

Okay, just keep it between the ditches!!

Look at that little head barely peeking over the steering wheel! Jagger loves driving in Grandmommy and Papaw's neighborhood. It's a bit scary, I know!

Scary or not, he was so proud of himself :)

Jack loves his new swing!

We enjoy going to our land (that we hope to build a home on if we EVER sell our house)! Jonathan and Jagger played football, explored in the creek, and actually found a rather - well, I guess I should say a rather unique treasure (for boys, that is). They found a...

...part of a skeleton of a dead animal!!!!! And yes, Jagger is totally putting the jawbone right up to his mouth, pretending that they're his teeth! Germ X, please!

We had to freshen up London's grave - making it as pink and girly as possible for springtime. And this is where I feel stuck right now...at London's grave - missing my baby girl. I admit that I have been struggling lately. It's ironic that it is so beautiful outside, the weather is getting warm, the trees are budding, the flowers are blooming...nature is coming to life again, and I love it, yet my emotions have been on edge, and my tears have been flowing freely.

The boys are getting bigger. They're changing and growing, and it's evident that time is passing (quicker than I'd like it to). The reality is that London's life is growing farther in the past, and with every springtime that rolls around without her, I am sad that we are living this life without her. I'm sad that I have to share a picture of her "girly" tombstone flowers instead of her in her Easter dress with a matching hair bow, tights and precious little dress shoes. Maybe her hair would be sort of long by now, and maybe it would have curls like her daddy's. I imagine that she would be prissy and bossy...especially to her brothers! Gosh, I just ache for her - especially lately. Not that I don't miss her every moment of every day, but it has been 2 1/2 years, and I have learned to live with my grief. However, lately it's been more painful, more raw and fresh...like it used to be. Perhaps its the fact that every time I go to the stores, I see pink ruffles and hair bows and hats. Maybe it's the fact that I always got a new Easter dress every year when I was little, and I am sad that I can't carry on the tradition with my daughter. Jagger and Jack will hunt eggs this weekend, and the Easter bunny will come, and we will go to church and celebrate Jesus' resurrection, and London will not be there (again). She is always missing. We are a happy family of four. We are blessed...but there will always be a huge void in our family. There will always be the unknown of what life would have been like with London.

Let me tell you, it is because of this Easter weekend - this ultimate celebration of Jesus' willingness to die on the cross for my sins, and to rise again promising me that if I believe in him, I will live forever with him in Heaven - it is because of this promise that I can endure the pain of losing my daughter. I know, without a doubt, that she is safe in the arms of Jesus in heaven right now. It doesn't help my void and my human feelings of wanting her here. But, it does help my sanity and my peace of mind to know that although I ache for her now - I will see her again. Praise GOD!!! I pray that you have that peace of mind.

I know that this time will pass. It will not be as "raw" after a while. I recognize that this is yet another wave of grief that comes and goes. It's not fun and not even remotely easy, but I've made it through before, and I'll make it again.

By the way, why did Eve have to eat the apple???!!!

This week in pictures

2010-03-21T19:12:00.005-04:00

Jack loves anything adventurous, and riding on his daddy's shoulders is a favorite :)

Jagger loves fire! I think he roasted a whole bag of marshmallows yesterday...I'm glad I like mine burnt!!

It won't be long before he succeeds...

Top of the mornin' to ya!

It has been so beautiful and warm lately that we've been taking advantage of every second! We went to the lake this week, and Jagger fed the ducks for the first time.

He had so much fun. Did you know that you can go through a half a loaf of bread in like 5 minutes if you're not careful?!! These ducks will be full for days!

Jack had fun watching.

Now, this my friends, is what you call "The Crusher Machine", according to Jagger. Ummm, not exactly sure what it crushes, but that's what it is! I had a Southern Living at Home party, and when all the stuff came in, I couldn't dare throw the boxes away. Jagger reminded me that they make awesome tents/forts/houses/cars/airplanes...oh, and crusher machines! I'm just glad I walked in when I did. I had no idea he had built this, and when I walked in, he was totally trying to climb on top of it! BOYS!!!!!

Jagger gave Jack a wig! Jack thought it was hilarious! He doesn't know to fight back yet, but I'm sure it's coming!

I caught this look...don't know why he had the look (probably pouting about something!), but it was worth catching!

That's all for now. Have a good week :)

Remembering Nana

2010-03-16T20:10:00.014-04:00

Three years ago today, one of the most wonderful, influential people in my life went to be with Jesus. It was my Nana. Nana was about 115 pounds soaking wet, funny, had a country accent, a great laugh, and loved to smoke big long Virginia Slims - you know, the cigarettes that look like foot long straws!! Oh, and she kept them in the freezer, too, because she said it kept them "fresh"! So, yes, you might go to look for some ice cream or a frozen pizza, and you'd see a carton of Virginia Slims - ha ha!! I have to say that smoking was her only vice - at least the only one that I know of! Nana was fun-loving, accepting, forgiving, kind, and loved Jesus more than anything in this world. Nana made such an impression on me by putting God first, forgiving others, and by giving thanks even when life didn't seem to treat her too kindly.

You see, Nana lived in a small trailer in a trailer park, she had an 8th grade education, worked many different jobs throughout her life, but eventually ended up keeping children in her home for about the last 10 years of her life. Nana's trailer stood out as a cozy, inviting little trailer. In summer, she flooded her landscape with flowers - especially yellow ones (that was her favorite color). She had white wicker furniture on her porch, wind chimes hanging, and a few other little "Nana" trinkets here and there that she either found or that we had given her. In her home, you would find framed religious poems and art work that reflected her love of Jesus and the cross. Everything was so neatly arranged. Although Nana didn't have anything of a lot of value, she took pride in everything she had. You could never go in Nana's house without smelling a wonderful candle burning in her kitchen, and you couldn't stay long without being greeted by her Coo Coo Clock. Oh...the coo coo clock! We loved that thing! We also loved her sweet tea and her collection of magnets from every unique place that she or any other family member had been!

Nana was a wonderful cook. She always fixed the "same ole' thing" as she used to say, but it was what we loved! No matter how incredible it smelled, and even though it was always great, Nana always said, "Well, I hope it's fit to eat." Macaroni shells and cheese (aka...the best food on the planet!), chicken casserole, corn, sweet carrots, fried apples, green beans, rolls... Of course, it was fit to eat!! For Thanksgiving every year, about 20 people would gather in her little trailer, sit around her table (which was in her kitchen), and we would have the best time! Nana loved her family. Her children (my dad, Steve, and my aunt, Cindy) and her grandchildren were her pride and joy.

When I went to Western Kentucky University in Bowling Green, I was able to see Nana every week (she lived in Bowling Green). We would have the best talks. Nana was as fun to talk to as one of my best college friends at the time. She knew how to listen without judging, and she trusted me with her deepest feelings. During a time when God was often on the back burner in my life (college), Nana reminded me of His love and His goodness. She would talk about how good He had been to her. She'd say, "Honey, I don't have much, but He's given me everything I have, and it's everything I need." She never complained. Although she would have liked to have had "more", Nana had a way of being content, and she never failed to give God the glory for everything in her life. She trusted Him with everything she was. We even used to laugh at her because she never would make any plans - I mean, ANY plans - without saying, "Lord willin..." I'd say, "NANA! Don't say that!" and she'd say, "Well, honey, it's the truth! We're not guaranteed our next breath! If it's the Lord's will, then I'll be there." Although I teased her then, I realize now that Nana had the right idea. She had it all figured out.

The last time that I visited Nana before she was bedridden and nearly unconscious, Jagger was about 18 months old. She adored her only great grandchild. She thought he was hilarious and that he looked just like my dad (he did look just like my dad at that age!). Nana, at that visit (just a few days before she died) was sitting in her big blue recliner and told me that she was afraid that her cancer was spreading (as she rubbed knots on her ribs that had recently appeared). She then went on to say that she wanted to be around to "see that baby". That baby she was talking about was London, who was due that September. A few days later, as I sat by her side in the bed - knowing she just had days or even hours with us - I told Nana that if our baby was a girl, we were going to name her after her. Nana just rubbed my hand and smiled and said in a soft, faint voice, "Oh, Ashlee, that is such an honor. You don't know what that means to me." At the time, we didn't know what our little one was, and our lives certainly hadn't been turned upside down with the news of Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. However, we knew that we wanted to honor Nana by naming our child after her.

The funny part of that is that Nana's real name was - are you ready for this??? Cleo Patra Conner! I'm not even kidding. Bless her heart...her mother named her Cleo Patra!! We'd tease and call her "Queen of the Nile"!! So, I wasn't too keen on naming my daughter Cleo or Patra, for that matter. But...I got a little creative. We loved Chloe, so we just flipped Cleo around and named our daughter London Cloe (without the 'h') after my Nana. So, now when I think of my wonderful Nana, I also think of my London. And when I see London's full name, I think of my Nana.

I was so blessed to have a Nana like her! I miss her! But...I know I will see her again in heaven. I also believe that she is loving her precious great-granddaughter, London Cloe, right now! Nana got her wish...she got to "see that baby" after all...just in a better place!

"Mommy, where is heaven?"

2010-03-03T19:04:00.008-05:00

Last night, Jagger and I were lying in bed, and we were reading his little Bible stories. We some how got on the subject of heaven. That's when Jagger asked how we get to heaven, where it is, and if it's far away like in outer space. Although we've discussed this before, his ability to understand is a little more developed now, and he was more interested this time.

I was a little caught off guard. How do I describe the "location" of heaven to a 4 year old? Well, wait...when I think about it, how exactly do we describe the location of heaven to a grown person? It's a bit complicated when we have such finite minds. So, the only preschool explanation that I could come up with was, "Well, heaven is very far away." Then, he said that he was going to take an airplane and fly to heaven! I thought that was cute.

I told him casually that we can't really visit heaven now, but if we believe that Jesus is God's son and that He died on the cross and came back to life 3 days later (which Jagger thinks is the coolest thing ever) - some day when we die, we can go to heaven and see God and Jesus and baby London...

And that's where I messed up. Jagger jerked up with a nervous and worried face and said - in a quivering voice - "Mommy, you mean that some day my heart is not going to work, too???" Oh my goodness... at that moment, I realized that my casual comment of "when we die" took Jagger immediately to the fact that his baby sister died because "her heart didn't work." It also made me aware that Jagger had no idea that we do not live forever in this body! I just forgot (like a complete goofball) that his little mind didn't know that! So, I immediately changed the subject, and he was fine.

I am thankful that I can discuss Jesus and heaven to my 4 year old, but I am reminded that some things need to be left up to God and the Holy Spirit. The time will come when Jagger will be ready to discuss our mortality, the true meaning of heaven, eternity, sin, salvation - all the big stuff. But, sometimes I just talk too much! And that's what I did! For now, I think I need to focus on just making sure that Jagger knows God's love for him, that Jesus is God's son, that baby London is in heaven and we will see her some day (no big explanation needed yet!). For now, we will go to church, say our prayers, read our Bible stories, and give thanks.

I have a tendency to make some things more complicated than they need to be. Praise the Lord that Jagger is "saved" right now - that his little mind cannot comprehend the meaning of sin and salvation, death and eternity. God is gracious enough to have our children safe in his hands - protected from the depths of hell - because of their lack of understanding. When Jagger reaches the age of accountability and recognizes that he is "lost", then I will dig a bit deeper in our conversations!

Whew...sometimes it's tough being a parent!!! I know this is only the beginning :)

Farmer Jack turns 1!!!

2010-02-22T19:20:00.005-05:00

Today, our baby is 1 year old! I can't believe it! God has blessed us tremendously through Jack this past year. The joy and laughter that he has brought us is - well, sort of like a huge drink of water after being stranded in the desert! It's truly hard to explain... We are so thankful for our precious boys.

I picked a "farm" theme for Jack's party this year - mainly because I found the cutest plates and napkins at a party store. But...the farmer role suits him, don't you think?!! These were pre-party pictures.

He was really looking at something here...not sure what :)

Oh my...no words needed :)

Okay, I had to post this one because - although he was so mad - he looked so cute! Jagger was ticked that I put up his "egg-loo" (aka...the 10 blankets, pillows, etc. that were strategically placed in our bedroom as his pretend igloo/tent). I tried to explain that when people come over to our house (for Jack's party) that we needed to straighten up the house and put up his tent. As you can tell, he was not happy about that! Brat!! :)

My friend, Jana, from school made his cake. One for us and a special little one just for him. She did a wonderful job!!

Okay, an open flame near a 1 year old isn't really smart, but he HAD to "blow" out his candle! Aunt Alaena is holding him.

A little confused on what to do!

Still a bit confused :) Loving the attention, though! I wish I had a great one of him covered in cake and icing....but I don't! Leave it to Jack to not have much to do with his cake! He did start grabbing it, but he didn't really want to eat it. He tried to feed Mommy!

Is it Christmas again?!! MORE NOISE MAKERS...AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jack had a wonderful first birthday!! I can only imagine what this next year will have in store for him. There will be lots to learn from his big brother :) He's already catching on to a lot!!

Happy Birthday, Jack!!!

Say Cheese!

2010-02-18T23:45:00.004-05:00

I got a new camera this week, and I'm having a blast playing with it. Afton (my 15 yr. old sister) let me take pictures of her. I was totally pretending that I was a big time photographer (although I barely know how to use my camera!) and she was so annoyed! She kept saying, "What do you want me to do??? I look like such a DORK!" Anyway, it was fun, and although I won't share our entire "photo shoot" :), I thought these turned out quite nicely! Afton still thinks she looks like a dork, but that's a 15 year old for you!

A typical little man, huh?! He knows exactly what to do with that remote!

Yes, that's a basket on his head. Well, to him, it was actually some kind of "robot helmet that could turn him into anything he wanted to be." His imagination isn't lacking :)

He's oozing "rotten" in this picture! He got caught going for the trash! And yes, as a matter of fact, that IS a Christmas bib!!! Well, we didn't get out of the house that day, so who cares?!! Oh, I forgot to mention that we've been off of school for 3 days this week and 3 days last week for snow! I will really be put out when I have to work an entire 5-day week! We did work today, but MAN am I glad tomorrow's Friday!!! Ha ha ha

You know you're a mom when...

2010-02-06T09:18:00.013-05:00

You know you're a mom when...

Or should I say, you know you're way more concerned with convenience than vanity when...

You actually WANT a VAN!!!! Yes, I have to admit that for the past year, I have been wishing and hoping for a van! I want to be spoiled with doors that magically open for me when I have an armload of little boys or groceries! I want my children to be entertained while we drive. And, ultimately, I want to be able to get them in and out of their car seats without throwing my back out or feeling like I've wrestled a bull in a tiny closet!!!

So...it's official! I am a VAN MOM!!! And I LOVE it!!

In fact, Jagger loves it more than I do. He threw a crying fit to stay in the van and watch his Scooby Doo movie the first night we got it! Jonathan, on the other hand, is still clinging to his youth (although he'll be 35 in a few months) and isn't real keen on the idea...yet! That'll change when we go on a long trip! But...Jonathan emailed me and several friends and family yesterday saying that this was his "new look".

Wow...

Well, he's not the only one giving me grief! Other family and friends had a blast sending me pictures of my "new look". The first one was from my uncle Tommy whose email said "Ashlee taking Jagger and Jack to school!" What makes this picture so awesome is that my mom had a van that looked JUST like this when we were little, and she drove it so long that we ended up calling it the "lawnmower van" because it sounded like one and it would smoke like crazy!!! I'm laughing just thinking about it! Here you go...

Then, my sister Alaena replied to that email with this one! It leaves me speechless!!

The more you look, the more you see! Yes, they're driving from up there :)

Well, mine isn't quite that exciting, but here is a picture of my cool ride - ha ha!

Jagger - dirty face and all - watching Scooby Doo in the van :)

Never a dull moment...

2010-01-26T19:28:00.006-05:00

Uh, yeah...Jagger just walked in here and said in a very excited voice, "Look Mommy! Look at my face! It's a mustache and a beard! Isn't it GREAT?!"
Oh...I should've reprimanded him, but I took a picture instead and told him I liked it. It's just not worth it! It'll wash... I did demonstrate some responsibility as a parent and told him not to draw any more on his face. He just told me that he just wants to look like Daddy. Umm, I need to talk to Jonathan about that!

The view from the back of Daddy's truck. As you can see, we just give Jack whatever will keep him from throwing a fit! I think he has a binder clip. Boy, I'm really proving myself as a really "strict" parent, huh?!

That's just sweet...

Jagger and his cousin, Jett, had a blast in Jett's new truck! It even has a real radio in it! And I thought my Big Wheel was awesome when I was their age!

Jagger, my little comedian, thought his pretzels (or "princels" as he calls them) made great teeth!

We put Jagger's new corn hole boards together tonight. He loved it - until Jack took over. That's Jack's new thing - wanting whatever his big brother has!

Can you tell Jagger is pouting? We decided to kiss the Gingerbread House goodbye tonight, and Jagger wasn't happy about the idea. I mean, it is January 26 - I think it's time! He said, "Well, I'm never ever going to be happy ever again!!" Well, he meant it...for about 2 minutes! He would keep it on the counter all year if I let him.

Facing our Battles

2010-01-20T23:47:00.006-05:00

God does not want us to live in fear. He does not want us to worry - in fact that's a sin. Okay, then, why am I so terrible about living in fear and worrying about things? I have struggled my whole life at letting irrational fears creep into my mind, letting them manifest until I am just sick with fear and worry. I hate it, and I try my best to control it, but sometimes it gets the best of me. For instance, if Jonathan leaves the house to run errands, and 5 minutes later, I hear an ambulance...then my mind will automatically fear that Jonathan has been in a wreck. Then...if I call him on his cell phone and he doesn't answer, oh my...I start to panic that he's too hurt to answer and it's bad... See what I mean? That's just one example, and it's ridiculous, I know.

I just have this control issue, I guess, and it's tough to sort of be a control freak when so much of life - well most things in life - are out of my control. Today, I got very sad news that one of my high school friends, Jake, who suffered from cancer for nearly 3 years, passed away. Yesterday, I got an email that another friend from high school (Stephanie) - who is 3 years younger than me - has been diagnosed with a brain tumor and has been given only 18 months to live. Then, this morning, mom told me about another young woman (about my age) in our community that died of cancer.

Okay...so how do I hear these things, especially about people who are "my age" and go on about my life without worrying and fearing that it will happen to me?! If I get a headache, will I automatically worry that it's a brain tumor? Probably! Oh, it's such a struggle when you are an anxious person.

Jonathan's dad (Clifton), who is a Baptist preacher, visited us yesterday, and as I talked to him about my sadness (about my friends) and my own struggles with worry and fear, he reminded me of a few things. He reminded me that we are each "appointed" a time to live and a time to die, and that we have no control over when that time will come for us. God already knows, and we must find peace in that. We can't spend every waking minute worrying about things that may not even happen. Clifton was diagnosed with a brain tumor and was given 3 to 6 months to live, had brain surgery, and had been given no hope from his doctors.......22 years ago this month!

Through Clifton's story, I am reminded that God indeed does have a plan for us; that He is the ultimate physician; that if He's not ready for us, no diagnosis can take us. I am also reminded that worry and fear are of the devil! They are feelings that only SATAN can give! They are not of God. The Bible says that "God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, love and a sound mind." So, when I feel anxious and fearful, it's obviously just the devil getting me right in my weak spot! Do you have a weak spot, too? I pray that God will help me to overcome Satan and his mission to destroy my spirit through fear and worry!

For my friend, Jake, his fight is over. Cancer took his life, but I pray that God took his soul. For Stephanie, she has been given little hope, but I know - from my own father in law - that grim outcomes can change.

So, will you do me a favor and please pray for Jake's family - that they will have peace and comfort during this time of grief; and pray for Stephanie and her family as they deal with this horrible diagnosis - that God would heal her body, and that she and her family would also find peace and comfort and hope in the midst of this?

I experienced one of life's dreaded tragedies when I lost London. People all around us are experiencing tragedies, too. When we feel helpless in so many ways, we can pray. Sometimes that's about all we can do, but I am so thankful that it's that easy. God is always there - ready and waiting.

Lately...

2010-01-15T08:38:00.011-05:00

We got our first snow last week, and Jagger was playing in it at 8:30 in the morning! You can't play in the snow without making snow angels!

After about 30 minutes, he was ready to come in. Here in Kentucky, we get out of school when they even "talk" about snow! We enjoyed a 4 day weekend, though :) I know we'll have to make it up, but I'm still like a kid when I see that school is closed! I love it!

Jagger is always saying something that just cracks us up. As many of you know, Jonathan and I renovated a 135 year old home 5 years ago. No matter how many updates we've done, it's still an old home, and it's hard to get it nice and cozy when it's 10 degrees outside! So...I was complaining about how cold the house felt, and Jagger heard me. He leaned up against the wall with his arms crossed and a confused look on his face. Then, he proceeds to ask me, "Well, Mommy, just how'd we get this piece-a-junk we're in anyway?" Ummm, yes, he called our house a piece of junk, but it was hilarious. Jonathan, in the midst of his frustration (because a water line froze on our dishwasher) said, "Well, you know it's bad when a 4 year old calls it a piece of junk!" Oh...he keeps us laughing. When I tried to defend our old home to him, Jagger said, "I called it a piece a junk because it's old, and you know, sometimes old things are pieces a junk..." He can talk his way out of anything, I'm afraid.

Here's our "old piece-a-junk"!!

Just as Jagger constantly cracks me up with his funny sayings, he's an extremely kind and sweet child and says things to melt my heart. Yesterday, he and Jack had to go to the doctor - Jagger has strep, and Jack has a double ear infection (needless to say, I'm home today). Anyway, he got a sticker from the doctor. When we got home, he was playing and randomly grabbed my arm and said, "Here, Mommy. I want London to have my sticker. You know, she loves stickers and I think she's smiling because I gave her a sticker!" Little moments like that do several things...they make my eyes fill with tears, they make me smile because her big brother wants to make her smile, and it makes me thankful that London is being remembered by her brother - even in random, insignificant moments. It was a small thing, but had a big impact on my heart.

"New" (old) picture

2010-01-06T20:46:00.011-05:00

Well, I'd be lying if I said that I don't often think about the fact that I can't share "new" pictures of my baby girl with you. I mean, I constantly share pictures of my boys. You see how they're growing and changing. You see their funny faces, mad faces, happy faces - well...you see that I constantly keep a camera in my hand :) I'm on a mission to capture every moment, every funny saying, every milestone...everything!

As I was downloading some of our Christmas pictures this past week, I revisited all of London's pictures. Some of them I see all the time. But there are many that I haven't really looked at in a while. What I've noticed is that her pictures bring about new feelings, new emotions as time passes. They used to be too painful to look at. I would sit and sob as I stared at them, and I would have to prepare myself to even look at them. Now, it's still terribly hard to look at them - to revisit that moment in time - and to be reminded of my precious, perfect little girl who was only with me for 2 days. I seriously don't know when that will ever "not" hurt. How could it not hurt? It's a part of me now. As much as I would love to not have the hurt, I kind of want it because it keeps London "real" to me and here with me. Clear as mud, right? That's grief for you.

This picture was one that hurt when I really looked at it. First of all, it shows her precious chubby cheeks, her beautifully colored skin, the dainty hair bow that she wore, the dress that I, too, wore when my mom and dad brought me home from the hospital, and the fact that she looks so much like her brothers. On the other hand, this picture hurt me when I saw it again because I could see the reminders that she had a condition that was incompatible with life. I could see the monitors, the wires, the unnatural things that make Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome so real to me. I see her little hand taped to the splint. I notice the pink arm band that covered her pick line. Her little hand looks so uncomfortable, yet I stare at it to see if her hands look like her brothers - or if they, by chance, could have looked like mine. Those things hurt.

As I share this "new" (old) picture with you, I realize that London is still a newborn - although it's been nearly 2 1/2 years ago. I realize that she is in the same dress as the other pictures of her - because that's the only outfit she ever wore. I realize that my pictures of London do not show her growing and changing, doing funny things, making sad/mad/happy faces like my boys. I realize these things...but, she's my baby. She's my princess, and as I edited this picture and zoomed in on her precious face, I just couldn't help but show her off.

As I share these feelings, this thought comes to mind, and as tough as it is to admit, it's true: "Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." I would go through it over and over again to experience the love I felt and continue to feel for my baby girl.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above..." (James 1:17)

Christmas

2009-12-27T10:51:00.005-05:00

Well, we survived Christmas. We had a good Christmas. Every year, I say that I'm going to simplify Christmas and really focus on the true "reason for the season". We did try to simplify this year, but it was still crazy. I was still worried about gifts, shopping last minute - doing all the things I said I wouldn't do. That's the nature of it, I guess. Jack's first Christmas was sweet. He loved all the lights, and he's having fun with the tons of noise makers that he got! Jagger was totally into Santa this year. It was fun to watch! Plus, he's very dramatic and animated...not sure where he gets that!! :) Here are some pictures of our Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

Brotherly love - Christmas Eve

Mimi and Poppy got Jagger the GI Joe Headquarters. It's like a huge ship that's in a million pieces! And where is that going to go??? I think there's a free space in the middle of the disastrous play room floor!

Grandmommy and Papaw got Jagger this trampoline. He LOVES it! We love it, too, considering he can get all his energy out while being contained in a little "cage" - ha ha! It's still at their house. Where in the world is it going to go in our house?!!!!!! The play room is full!

Jagger thought Santa would like chocolate covered pretzels and peanut butter balls instead of cookies! Needless to say, Santa ate it all and wished there were more peanut butter balls :)

This Star Wars Light Saber is just one of the many light-up noise-makers that filled our home on Christmas morning!

This is Jack's main present from Santa. Jagger "helped" him open all of his gifts. Jack actually wanted to eat the wrapping paper instead of ripping it!

Our favorite Christmas movie is A Christmas Story. I think we watched it about 10 times in one day...it was on for 24 hours on Christmas! Anyway, Mom bought all the guys Red Ryder BB guns! They were more excited about them than anything else! Jagger's is "pretend", by the way.

Mom is so diligent in keeping London's grave decorated for the seasons. I am thankful for that. As hard as it was without London - again - this Christmas, I couldn't help but think that as wonderful as we think Christmas is here, imagine what London is experiencing in heaven - in the presence of our savior! I have to remind myself every now and then that heaven is REAL...it's not make believe or imaginary. It's a real place, and I know - without a doubt - that she's there. I love the promise of this verse - "However, as it is written: no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him." (1 Corinthians 2:9). We just have no idea how wonderful heaven will be! As much as I miss London, I cannot imagine grieving her without hope of seeing her again. I am so thankful that - although my pain is great - this is not the end. I will see her again!

New pictures

2009-12-19T15:46:00.003-05:00

We took a few pictures today after church...

And it didn't take long for Jagger to get sick of smiling!!!

Who doesn't love a Mad Santa picture?!!

How is it that Jack loved the real Santa, but hated the fake blow-up Santa?!

My boys and me...

Howdy, partner!

Doesn't he just look rotten in this picture?

The latest...

We're out of school for 16 days...wahoo!!! This is one of the wonderful perks of being a teacher! Jack is saying "Jagger", but it sounds like "Ga-ga". Jagger just melts when he says it. It's really sweet :) Jagger's latest hilarious thing was when he was at his babysitter's house this week, and she couldn't understand what another little boy was saying. He's 2 and is sometimes hard to understand. She asked Jagger what the little boy was saying, and he said, "I really don't know. You see, he doesn't speak my language." That was just funny!! Have a good day :)

A Proud Big Brother

2009-12-09T18:57:00.008-05:00

I always wondered how Jagger would be as a big brother. When London was born, he was only 2 years and 4 days old. He never got to see her, touch her, or hold her. We, unfortunately, never had to worry about him holding her by her neck :), trying to bring her to us from the bassinet...you know, all those things that a 2 year old might do with a new baby! But, when he was 3 1/2 years old, we finally got to see him with a baby, and as I've said many times, he absolutely adores his baby brother. Thankfully, he has never dropped him, tried to carry him across the room or anything crazy like that! He always says how adorable he is and thinks everything he does is the greatest. It's wonderful to see Jagger in the big brother role - finally.

To be honest, Jagger has not really talked about London that much. I guess part of it is because he was so young when she was born. The other part - whether it's good or bad - is probably because Jonathan and I do not talk about her very openly in our home. Her precious picture is hanging in the center of our living room, but quite frankly, it's just too painful sometimes to "open that can of worms" if you know what I mean. And...I am very much more open about talking about her and sharing her story than Jonathan is. It is still too painful for him to talk about, and when he has a bad day, he still refuses to talk about it and keeps it all inside. We grieve very differently.

Okay, back to Jagger...as I was saying, he really hasn't made a point of talking about her all the time, but lately he has really started to mention her name more often. One thing that Jagger always does with new people - and absolute strangers, at times - is introduce himself and his baby brother. It always goes like this: "Hi, I'm Jagger. This is my baby brother Jack." He always has a big, proud smile on his face! Lately, his introductions have sounded a bit different, and as much as it hurts to hear it, his precious introduction has melted my heart.

He has suddenly been adding his little sister to his introduction. I first heard it at the Cheesecake Factory a few weeks ago when we were there for my sister's birthday. A sweet older couple started talking to Jagger, and when they asked him his name, he boldly told them, "I'm Jagger. And this is my baby brother Jack. I used to have a baby sister named London, but she died and went to heaven, and now we have a new baby, and his name is Jack." And...what can I say? I was floored that he told this to a complete stranger, and yes, it made my heart sink and I had to fight back the tears. It happened again in public not long ago, and then again today.

We had a man here fixing our furnace - yes, it decides to blow a fuse the day it gets down to 18 degrees! Anyway, when the man asked Jagger's name, he said, "I'm Jagger." Then he looked up at Jack, who was on my hip, of course, and said, "And this is my baby brother. His name is Jack. I used to have a baby sister named London, but she died and mommy had another baby." Although I've heard this a few times now, it never ceases to catch me off guard or make my heart sink. Today was no different. I felt so sorry for the man who just looked really uncomfortable for a few seconds and simply replied, "Well, I bet you have fun with your little brother." We moved on from there. After the man left, I could tell that Jonathan was bothered. When I looked at him, without saying a word, he just shook his head with big tears in his eyes. His words were few, but he was hurting. He dealt with it by going for a drive.

I later told Jagger that I was proud of him for telling people about his baby sister. We talked about what she might be doing in heaven today. When I asked Jagger what he thought she might be doing, he said, "Well...I think she's probly playin' with God...and you know, she might be playin' with an angel or somethin'. Yeah, I think she's playin' with an angel." That was his 4-year-old take on a day in the life of London in heaven :) It was too sweet.

There's no doubt that Jagger adores his baby sister, and that is what hurts so badly when I hear him talk about her. He speaks about her with such pride. He tells complete strangers about her. Moments like this is when I just want to know why she's not here. I know there's a reason, but why couldn't I just have my 3 healthy children like millions of other families have? Why did my baby girl have only half a heart? Why was there a complete surprise in her surgery that made it impossible for her to live? WHY???!!

I completely recognize that I am much farther in my grief journey than I used to be. I completely acknowledge that there have been so many blessings that I have experienced through the loss of my daughter. I have made friends whom I would have never met otherwise. I have grown closer to God and more aware of my complete need for Him than I ever was before. Before losing London, I never knew what it was like to experience the "peace that surpasses all understanding." I never knew what it was like to survive something so horrible ONLY because of His love and His grace. And, let's face it, if the truth be known, Jack is here because my London is not. Jonathan and I really had decided that we were complete with our boy and our girl, and that would probably be it for us (unless God would have insisted on another child). So, our second precious boy would probably have never came if London had never left us.

It's all so bittersweet and overwhelming sometimes. It's also so complicated. Anyway, I'm proud that Jagger wants to talk about his baby sister. I'm proud that he, too, is sharing her story and keeping her memory alive.

On a sidenote, I am proud to announce that Team London Tomes raised over $1000 for the American Heart Association in this year's heartwalk!!! I am so proud and thankful to everyone who contributed in London's memory!!

A Perfect Pink Stocking

2009-11-28T20:09:00.011-05:00

This will be the third Christmas without our London. Well, the truth of the matter is that we never had London during Christmas, or any holiday for that matter. But...this will be the third Christmas since we lost our London. That's a more accurate way to say it, I guess. We just had a wonderful Thanksgiving with our family, and it was such a blessing to have Jack with us this year. However, I found myself being really emotional last week before Thanksgiving. I wasn't really sure what had sparked my emotion, but I truly think that it was just that the holidays were approaching, and I was faced with the reality - yet again - that London was not here. Although I know this and I accept this fact, it's still so raw during the holidays - during those times when family is supposed to be celebrated, and you somehow seem closer than ever to the ones you love. That is why it hits me so hard.

I wish she were here. This year, London would be 2 years old. I can just imagine what she would be doing during this holiday season. Would she like Santa or would she scream? What toys/dolls/babies would she like? What Christmas dress would she wear, or what big Christmas bow would we put in her hair? Gosh, I could just keep going, but those things hurt me so badly as her mommy. I feel cheated! I can't help it. I just ache for her. I want to know what she would look like, feel like, sound like. I want her here with us.

I have wanted to find a stocking to hang in her memory, but I just haven't found the "right" one. That is, until today. I was strolling through Target with my sisters, and out of the blue, I spotted the most perfect stocking for London, and I had to get it. It is light pink satin with a pink velvet ruffle, and a rhinestone princess crown on it. It's so dainty, prissy and just "fits" her! She is our princess, and this stocking is definitely fit for a princess!

When I brought it home today, I asked Jonathan if we should add it to the other three or hang it in the middle. He insisted that it hang in the middle. When I hung this beautiful pink stocking in between the two more masculine stockings, I got a big lump in my throat. I sat on the couch in front of the fireplace, and I couldn't help but to cry. As I looked at the mantle, it wasn't just 3 stockings hanging there. It was as if my two boys were hugging their sister - one on each side of her. There is absolutely no pink in our house. I think I have one sweater with pink stripes, but that's about it. Pink does not go with our decor, so this satin and rhinestone stocking really stands out. And you know what? That's exactly how I want it. It should stand out. It's absolutely perfect that this pink stocking - that doesn't match anything - is now in the center of our mantle and at the center of our family room. A conversation piece? Absolutely. For some strange reason, when I hung London's stocking tonight, it was as if she were here with me. It was as if my daughter - my baby girl - was in the room beside me.

When Jagger saw the stocking, he said, "Mommy that is so adorable" as he hugged it against his chest. Unfortunately, I ordered our Christmas cards this morning, and our precious pink stocking is not a part of the pictures! But...that's okay. It's now a part of our home and our Christmas, and I feel that London is even closer to us during this sacred time of the year.

It may seem strange, but as I've said a hundred times before, grief will make you do/think/say strange things sometimes. Oh, how I wish London were here. She isn't - she never will be. But...we can remember her, honor her and symbolize her in our heart and in our home forever.

Please pray

2009-11-11T20:34:00.002-05:00

When I began my blog, I felt like I had so much to share and so much to say. My heart is still so full, but it's not overflowing with grief like it used to. Don't get me wrong, I have a sadness in my heart for my precious baby girl that is yet to leave. In fact, I don't see it truly ever leaving. However, that sadness comes in brief waves and is - thankfully - more manageable now. I don't even cry very often now. Even when something upsets me or catches me off guard about London, I can usually just take a deep breath and recover rather quickly. Not always...but most of the time.

There are times when I allow myself to just think about the darkest moments of my life - moments like the ultrasound when we learned of London's diagnosis, the wretched appointment when we were told we could terminate the pregnancy, allow our baby to die, or have her endure 3 open heart surgeries; the nurse telling us the "unexpected complication" during London's surgery; the final shake of the head from the nurse that told us our baby was gone; seeing her precious, tiny white casket with pink roses sitting on a platform; and the silence and darkness that followed those moments. Oh, how it hurt. How I was paralyzed with grief, and how I felt that I couldn't possibly recover from the worst pain I could ever endure.

But...here I am, and I have survived. I never thought that I would, but God is good and He is faithful. He has brought us through the valley of the shadow of death, and He has been with us and restored our joy. On the other hand, there are those who are just entering the valley. There are those whose hearts have just been ripped apart; lives have been changed forever; and grief has consumed their entire being.

My heart has felt so burdened this week for a lady whom I used to go to church with - a beautiful, sweet lady named Heather. Heather was pregnant with her third child - a healthy little boy named Ethan. Heather was to be induced last Thursday. Her 2 children were looking forward to meeting their little brother, and the anticipation of new life was as wonderful as it could be. Until...the day of the induction, there was no heartbeat. That was it. It was over. All the planning, all the anticipation, all the excitement, dreams, plans, future...it was all over and destroyed. My heart has just ached for this sweet family. It makes me literally sick to think of going back to those first wretched, horrible days, and I am so sad that another family is having to endure the same thing. This family has a wonderful support system, they have their faith, but they do not have their precious baby boy. And, speaking from experience, when you've lost a piece of you that you nurtured for 9 months in your womb, felt kick and move, and grew to love more than life itself even before you ever saw them, not even the promise of heaven takes the pain away. So, I ask you...will you pray for this family? Will you pray that Heather and her family will have peace, comfort, strength, and faith.

We do not understand God's ways or his timing, but in moments like this, oh how I wish I could get a glimpse of what His plan is! I have learned that in these moments, we have to love him anyway - because He loves us. When you're mad, angry, hurting deeper than any human should, and you just want to know WHY...that's when all you can do is just trust him and love him. No, I didn't say agree with him or be chipper with him, necessarily. But...we should still go to him, tell him what we want to say - good, bad, ugly - because he knows anyway. He knows our pain. He knows we don't understand. But he's there and he loves us. He loves Heather and her family and he knows why this has happened - he sees the whole picture. So, will you pray for them? Thank you!

Happy Halloween!

2009-10-31T18:32:00.003-04:00

Happy Halloween! Jagger had fun tonight at "trunk or treat" at church. He'll be on a sugar high for a week! Out of 4 new costumes that he got for his birthday - 2 transformers and 2 GI Joe men - he decided today that he wanted to be Batman again! That's what he wore last year. Oh well.
I bought Jack's costume last Halloween at Old Navy on clearance for $4.99! They only had a 3-6 months when I bought it, and he's crammed in it, but it works! We have laughed all day at him in this costume!! He's just too funny :) Enjoy a few pictures of my little dragon and Batman.

Hello again!

2009-10-15T18:15:00.009-04:00

My goodness, it's been way too long since I've posted! Between vacation and sick little ones, keeping up with the blog has been difficult to do. Since I've posted last, we had a wonderful Fall Break and traveled to Gatlinburg, TN for 5 days. We stayed in a cabin in the Smokey Mountains, shopped, and ate too much, of course! This is the 4th year that our family of 4, my parents, both sisters and brother-in-law have gone together to Gatlinburg, and yes...we've managed to actually have fun and get along without feeding anyone to the bears all 4 times :) We did see a total of 3 bears this trip! One was right in the back yard of the cabin, walked around to the front and tried to get into our trash. It was so cute! Alaena and Jagger saw one as they walked up the street. Jagger spotted it first, and Alaena was certain it was going to chase them and eat them whole. They made it back in one piece! Then, Afton and Dad saw one while they drove into town one night. Very exciting :)

On the day we came home, Jack had a temperature of 102.5! I, the infamous worry wart, freaked out and was certain something was "bad wrong" with him. The doctor could squeeze him in at 6pm - thank goodness - and the poor little guy had the flu and strep throat! Either of those things are hard on an adult, and he's only 7 months old! But, with some medicine and lots of (well, even more than usual) attention from mommy and daddy, he was fine and is back to his wild little self now. I do think he's a bit more spoiled now! Since our trip, Afton, Dad, Mom and Jack have had the flu! I am still holding out...I refuse to get sick!

Grandmother and Granddad came up and kept the boys on Monday when we had to return to work, and the boys had so much fun. Granddad and Jagger went to a little country store in our town for lunch - just the two of them, and Grandmother just carted Jack around all day! She even managed to cook for us and clean up Jagger's messy playroom. There's just something about Grandmother and Granddad! First of all, Grandmother could run circles around me...she never stops! They are ALWAYS there when we need them, they bend over backwards to help us, and they show such love and support to us and our boys. We are so blessed to have them!

This week, I started a team for the American Heart Association Heart Walk in honor of London. It's one small thing that we can do to honor our baby girl, so I look forward to that. On the other hand, it's very difficult to face the reality that this is in "memory" of London. I know it's been 2 years, but my goodness, I still have such difficult days. Time keeps passing, and London is still a newborn to me. I mean, Jack is already almost 8 months old - so much older than his "big" sister. It's just strange and difficult sometimes.

On the other hand, God just continues to use our precious boys to bless us more than I could ever imagine. Jagger cracks us up every day and comes off with the most hilarious sayings. Oh, and he's starting to get a little bit "annoyed" by his baby brother! I was just oblivious to the fact that they may actually act like "brothers" eventually, but it's happening sooner than I thought. Jagger still adores Jack, but Jack is starting to grab his things, pull his hair, grab and bite his finger if it gets anywhere close. You know, he's just being the little brother! I love it, though. It's funny when Jagger gets a little put out with him. I love the fact that Jagger is able to be a big brother and have a sibling to be grumpy with! Jack is sitting up all the time, blowing his food everywhere, saying momma, da da da, bubba, and bye bye. He's giving the yummy open-mouth kisses, too! It's so precious.

Well, I guess I'm back up to date now. I've attached some pictures of the past few weeks.

We got to enjoy this view all week in Gatlinburg!

There it is!!

Jonathan, Jagger, Me and Jack in "The Village" in Gatlinburg

Bryan, Alaena, Jonathan, Jagger, Me, Jack, Mom, Dad, Afton

Isn't that crazy?!

You can't go to Gatlinburg without getting an airbrushed shirt! He chose Ben 10. Jack was having loads of fun, as you can tell!

Sweet smiles, huh?

Jagger had fun scooping out the "guts" of his jack-o-lanterns

My sweet boys and one humbling moment...

2009-09-26T17:37:00.004-04:00

Can you see Jack's 2 bottom toofers? He knows how to use them, too! Ouch :)

Not only does he have teeth, he's learning to sit on his own. How did he get this big already?

He's so proud of himself!

Okay...let me explain!!! The other day, Jagger was looking for a random toy, and while I helped him search, I got the grand idea of dumping all of his toy boxes/crates/buckets...you name it...because it needed to be organized anyway (and I got a little frustrated, too)! What was I thinking? Then, of ALL nights, we got a call that our realtor was going to show our house the NEXT day!!! Ughhhh...so guess what I did all night!

This picture tells a story to me - a special story. Last week, my sister (who is a high school teacher) handed me a folded hand-written note from one of her students - who happens to be one of my former students as well. She was always one of my favorites; she stood out because of her sweet spirit, kind heart and hard work ethic. But as a teacher, I was also drawn to her because gave so much at school yet had so very little at home. She was one whom I would have loved to fix up, take shopping, give her a makeover...you know what I mean? She had so much to overcome, and I just loved her.

Well, to my surprise, she had mentioned in her note how cute she thought Jagger and Jack were (Alaena has shown her pictures) and she wanted to give them something. At this point, Alaena had pulled two hats from behind her back that this student had asked her to give to Jagger and Jack. As Alaena handed me the hats, I noticed immediately that they were both old, worn, and dirty, and immediately I was humbled because I realized that this was all that she had to give.

There were no fancy tags to tear off, no pretty packaging - just 2 hats that she wanted my boys to have as their gift from her.

I was just in awe and so very humbled when I received this gift. Not to mention that Jagger was so excited! He LOVED his new UK hat, and it didn't matter to him in the least that it wasn't brand new. It was a gift, and he was so excited. I washed the hats when we got home, and now they're as good as new...and pretty cute, too.

This reminded me that God truly can use anything and anyone to teach me a lesson and bless my heart. This little girl blessed my heart with her selflessness. If only we all had that kind of spirit. The greatest gifts are not the most expensive ones.

Happy 4th Birthday, Jagger!

2009-09-18T21:10:00.004-04:00

Well, I'm two weeks behind in posting pictures of my big boy's 4th birthday! Jagger turned 4 on Labor Day, and since it was a long weekend, we partied ALL weekend. On Friday night, we literally had about 16 kids at our house, a bouncy castle, and they were all HIGH on cake, candy and ice cream! It was WILD!! On Jagger's actual birthday, his Grandmommy cooked and had him a "pirate" party. She even decorated a pirate cake. I can't believe he's already 4! Here are some pictures...

We had a Transformer party this year, and Mimi and Poppy got Jagger this "Bumblebee" transformer suit!

Boys....gotta love 'em!

Did I mention about 16 kids, a bouncy castle, cake, ice cream and candy???

Jagger and his pirate cake...on his "real" birthday :)

The "fatness" as we like to call him...Jagger was cracking up at this! Jack now has 2 teeth on the bottom. He's a big boy!

She would be 2...

2009-09-11T11:25:00.012-04:00

Two years ago today, we were blessed with this beautiful baby girl. London was born at 3:02 pm, weighed 7 pounds, 11 ounces and was 20.5 inches long. We were and still are so proud.

London had little tight lips as she clenched during her "photo shoot"!

This was the last picture that was taken of our baby...just moments before she was taken into surgery.

London being weighed for the first time in the delivery room. This scale said 7-12, but the "official" scale in the nursery said 7-11...who knows!

Proud parents...and one pretty little girl.

I love this one because London was making a hilarious face when I tried to put her passy in her mouth, but she didn't want it.

She almost opened her eyes in this picture. Her pink passy is in her special box at home.

Sleeping Beauty... Need I say more?

Daddy's girl

London's first moments...

How do I even begin? My heart is so heavy today - and has been for several days now as I have anticipated London's 2nd birthday. We just visited our baby girl's grave and took her a dozen pink roses like we did last year on her birthday. When Jagger asked how we can tell London Happy Birthday, I told him that he and Jack can send her balloons with a birthday message attached, and they'll float all the way to heaven. I told him that we can pray and ask God to give London a message for us, and I told her that we can talk to her at her special place (her grave), and she can hear us. How else should I answer my four year old?

All of these things are ways that we try to get close to her. We imagine that we have a connection with London by doing these things. Our human nature wants so badly to believe that she knows us, that she can hear us, that she is aware that we are celebrating her life with us and grieving her 2 years without us. We yearn for her and wish so badly that we could experience the same closeness with her that we have with Jagger and Jack.

As I've posted before, the song "Held" by Natalie Grant mentions that "This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the SACRED is torn from your life, and you survive." Days like today, I realize that I am being held by my Father...that the only way we can survive having our baby girl "torn" from our lives after 9 months in my womb and 2 days in our arms is because of the peace and comfort that He gives us.

I was having a rough night last night, and it was very fitting that my devotion last night was on Heaven and how we cannot even fathom how incredible Heaven will be. That God has created this REAL place for us as the ultimate reward for loving Him and trusting in Him while we're here on earth. I was reminded last night as I grieved my daughter that she is enjoying those riches right now. She's in God's presence in the most glorious place ever created, and here I am wishing she were back here in this place where there's hurt, pain, disease, disappointment, etc. Who would want to come back to this place?! I'm selfish as her Mommy, but she's in better hands right now. I needed that reminder last night to realize, once again, that I really WILL see her again. I'm very impatient, and this is the longest I will have to wait for something I want so badly, but it WILL happen.

I've wondered what theme her party would have tonight, what hilariously cute outfit I would put on her, how I would fix her hair for the big event, what toys she would get, how she would react to the festivities (after all, at 2 she would realize that it's all about her!), what friends would come to her party, how her brothers would react to her...should I go on?

It's very difficult to accept the reality that we will never know. That's it. It's all in my imagination - in my dreams because we will NEVER know all of those things. Broken hearts and broken dreams. That is what we will always have. However, our hearts can be mended - scarred, but mended. Our broken dreams of life with London are being replaced with dreams of life with Jagger and Jack. Life goes on - it definitely doesn't cater to our heartache, and that's okay I guess.

God has given us so many reasons to smile. He has blessed Jonathan and me with a wonderful marriage, with 2 healthy little boys, with a beautiful daughter whom we will see in time, and a wonderful support system through friends, family and church.

As we grieve today and throughout each year, we are well aware of the blessings that have been richly bestowed upon us, and we will not take them for granted. But, for today, we boldly profess our grief and our pain that comes with losing our precious baby girl. We celebrate this day, 2 years ago, when we finally got to see her precious face, hold her precious body, hear her precious cries and grunts, feel her sweet breath on our cheeks, sing to her, pray over her, read to her, and have hope for her life. Her life was short, but so meaningful.

As I said at her funeral, "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." London didn't have a great number of breaths, but the moments we had with her took our breath away, and we will always be grateful for those moments.

I leave you with one of my favorite poems that I printed and put on my refrigerator when my grandfather died 5 years ago, and it has brought me comfort and peace so many times since then.

What God Has Promised

God has not promised

skies always blue,

Flower strewn pathways

all our lives through.

God has not promised

sun without rain,

Joy without sorrow

or peace without pain.

But God has promised

strength for the day,

Rest for the laborer

and light on the way.

He promised grace for the trial

and help from above,
Unfailing sympathy

undying love.

~ Author Unknown

Pictures

2009-08-30T14:34:00.012-04:00

Grandmommy and Jack

Jack got his first tooth this week - on the bottom! Thank goodness for teething rings :)

Jonathan driving a race car "go-cart"...that's just funny.

Did I ever tell you that Jagger loves mud?!

And his cowboy boots... :)

To be held...

2009-08-22T19:51:00.011-04:00

It's amazing to me how God can speak when I least expect it. Today, I bought a Natalie Grant CD because I absolutely love the song "Held". Before today, I didn't know the words of the verses, and I only knew a few words in the chorus, but I loved the melody. I'm queen of making up random words if I don't know a song just so I can sing along!! Sad, I know.

In the car today, I pulled out the book inside the CD case and found the words to the song, and I began to sing with Natalie (while Jonathan drove, of course...I wouldn't read and drive!!). I was excited to finally get to sing the right words, but I had no idea that God would speak to me in such an amazing way as I read - for the first time - the words of the song. I was in shock to find that the song is about a mother losing her child because he couldn't be healed, how bitterness and hatred can creep in when we experience the "nightmares" of life, how it's not fair, but that God holds us and helps us to survive. It also speaks of our impatience to finally see our savior in heaven...when all of these nightmares will be over and our suffering will be no more. What a song!! I think the message of this song can speak to anyone about any hardship, so I've found the song and if you're up to hearing it, click on the title of this post, then click on "Held". Also, I've attached the words because they're beautiful. God is so good at reminding me of his love when I need it most :)

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing

To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

There's a first time for everything!

2009-08-16T17:51:00.005-04:00

I just couldn't help myself! Right after we left church today, we stopped at a red light, and Jonathan said to me, "Ummm, what's WRONG with this picture?" I didn't really know what he was talking about, BUT THEN...here is what I saw! I wasn't sure how to react, but I admit that I just busted out laughing!

Uhh, yes... you are looking at a couple out on a leisurely Sunday drive on their 3-wheel motorcycle - with 2 big exhaust pipes - hauling a CASKET on a trailer!!!!! Come on...tell me that's not funny!!! I'm assuming the casket was empty - let's hope so :)

Boys will be boys :)

2009-08-14T19:11:00.007-04:00

Jack is almost 6 months old! I can't believe it!

There's just something about boys and mud!

I mean, doesn't that just look FUN?!!

Okay, so maybe Papaw was being a bit dramatic, but Jagger loved pushing him from behind!!

Jagger and Jack went blackberry picking with Grandmommy :)

Happy Birthday, Alaena! We got some of mom's Hummingbird cake for the special occasion...yummm!!

We've come a long way

2009-08-06T18:06:00.013-04:00

Well, another school year has begun and I survived our first three days! It was WILD! I miss getting up and drinking coffee in my pj's, but I love my job and the people I work with, so it'll be okay :) I know, those of you who get one or two weeks of vacation a year want to knock me out right now, right? I mean, we teachers do get about 12 weeks of vacation a year!!! Sorry!

Anyway, I was reading some of my journal entries from last August this week, and it's amazing to me how my life has changed - and improved - since one year ago. Last August, I was nearly 3 months pregnant, and we were filled with so many different emotions. As thankful and excited as we were to be having another baby, our fears of losing another baby were all too great. Satan had a full time job trying to scare me, make me think of all the hundreds of things that could be wrong with my third child, trying to convince me that, maybe for some reason, we didn't deserve to be happy again - that we were surely doomed!

One thing I learned last year at this time was that the same God who had taken London "home" after just 2 short days was the God whom we trusted to deliver us from our pain and suffering. If you've kept up with my blog, you've seen where I admitted that I was angry with God for a while. I was bitter that, in a nutshell, I didn't get my way with him. However, I learned that some things are just not for us to understand. Period. So, like children get upset with their parents - asking "why", pouting a little, crying, getting angry, etc. - I was like that with God. But, also, just as children eventually get over it, curl up in their parents' laps after being upset, and recognize that they still love them and need them, I too came running back to God, falling at his feet and trusting him, once again, with everything I had.

I just wanted this baby to be okay. I wanted to be happy again. I wanted Jagger to be a big brother - other than just helping clean his little sister's monument. I wanted to experience being a mommy to a newborn, since all of those responsibilities that I prepared for with London were stripped from me. I HAD to trust in God. After losing London, I realized that percentages didn't matter; people's opinions didn't matter...what was meant to happen was going to happen, regardless. To allow myself to be vulnerable again was so hard.

Even after so much worry, God blessed us over and over. First, we saw the little heartbeat inside of a butter bean, and we felt relief! I got to the 12 week mark, and we felt more relief. At 14 weeks, we saw a clear picture of a 4-chambered heart and a clear picture that we were having a little boy! Words can barely describe the relief we felt that day!! Still, I worried about other things that could go wrong. But...at the 20 week ultrasound, we saw that our Jack was completely healthy, and oh how we praised God!! Still, I worried about the rest of my pregnancy. But, on February 22, we finally welcomed our third miracle!! And...everything was fine, and believe it or not, it's still fine!

So many things that we hoped and prayed for last August have come to be, and we do have renewed joy and happiness with Jack in our lives. I am no longer drowning in my grief, gasping for air. Instead, I would say I'm wading in my grief. It's still there, but it's not nearly as debilitating as it once was. Every now and then, a huge wave of grief will hit me and make me stumble, but I can get up much faster now and continue on my way. As much as I wish that London were here and that none of this hurt ever occurred, I find myself growing to appreciate my grief. Sounds weird, huh? What I mean is that with every month, day, year that passes - and as those memories of me holding my baby become more and more distant - my grief keeps her close to my heart. It reminds me of one of the greatest gifts that God has ever given me.

There are blessings in every curse. Your "curse" may be losing a loved one, divorce, losing a job, losing your home...whatever...but know that if you trust in God, he will pull you through. It doesn't mean it will remotely be easy. Let's face it, you may not have ever chosen your situation (Lord knows I didn't), but you've been put there for a reason. How will you handle it? How can you use it to help others? Through losing London, I have been blessed beyond measure. I've met wonderful friends whom I never would have met. I've learned to appreciate things like I never have before, and I don't take anything for granted.

One of my favorite Bible verses that helped me during my time of such uncertainty is Jeremiah 29:11. It says, "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil. Plans to give you a future and a hope." I still trust in this verse and have faith that it is true for me and my family.

Pictures from July

2009-08-01T11:24:00.015-04:00

Jagger is finally sleeping in his big boy "Spiderman" bed every night! We're so excited! I know, I know...he's almost 4!

Jonathan's parents, Mimi and Poppy, visited from Florida, and the boys were so glad to see them!

Jack didn't like Granddad's song!

First of all, it's amazing how cowboy boots "go" with every outfit! Jagger's favorite spot in Grandmother and Granddad's house is in Granddad's massage chair with the neck massager, too!

Yesterday was rough...

2009-07-12T08:20:00.012-04:00

Before I tell about my day yesterday, I'll begin by saying that Jack had his 4 month check-up on Friday, and everything looks "perfect"! As I've mentioned before, that is just so nice to hear! He weighed 14 pounds, 15 ounces (50th percentile) and was 26 inches long (75th percentile). I would have never guessed that he was actually longer than he is chubby! He got 3 shots, so that's not fun, but he's doing great.

Another thing that happened yesterday was when Jagger was watching cartoons, an Assurant Health commercial came on. It always comes on when he watches this particular channel, so I guess he's heard it a million times. Anyway, I was sitting there with him, and he looked up during the commercial and said, "Mommy, we need Assurant Health." Well, I explained that we have insurance, and it helps us to pay the doctors and for our medicine, etc. By this time, the commercial was over and cartoons were back on. About a minute later, Jagger looked up at me and very seriously said, "Mommy, I know you can't see it or touch it, but you know you need Assurant Health to protect you and your family." As you can imagine, I just sat there with my jaw to the floor and then just cracked up! He had memorized an insurance commercial! Okay, I should get the point that he probably watches too much TV!!! It was great, though :)

Now, I have to share about my day yesterday. It was rough. It started off fine. We watched cartoons, I drank my coffee, played with the boys...our normal morning routine. Then, on one of Jagger's cartoons, a birthday song came on. So, Jagger and I began talking about his birthday. It's September 7, and it's like I couldn't believe that it's only 2 months away. My baby will be 4 in just 2 months! That is crazy. Where has the time gone? So, I pondered that thought for a moment, and then it hit me. Just as I'm amazed that Jagger will be four, I realized that in just 2 months (Sept. 11), London would be 2. She would already be 2 years old! How can that be? I remember Jagger's 2nd birthday. It was like a family reunion and Christmas all at the same time...tons of people, and tons of presents! He was wild on his 2nd birthday...got into the cake way before we cut it, loved playing with his friends, wore his new Spiderman snow boots with his Spiderman shorts and tank top (hey, it went together!), and he had so much fun. So, here we are...just 2 short months before London would be 2. What would she be doing? What would we choose this year for her party theme? She would be talking up a storm now. What would her voice sound like, her laugh, her cry? What would her personality be like? Would she be shy and calm or would she be miss bossy pants - bossing her brothers and ruling the roost? I can imagine her as the latter of the two! I can see her trying to hold Jack (probably by his neck), give him a bottle, probably taking toys away from Jagger, loving make-up, dolls, dresses, Mommy's high heels, tea parties, playing dress-up, helping Mommy cook,...all of those girly things that are just a normal part of a little girl's life.

All I can do is imagine...

I was emotional. As I let my emotions run free for a while, I began to think about the very last moment I had with London. We were standing by her little bed in the hallway with the operating room door in sight. The nurses told us to kiss her and tell her bye, and we would see her after surgery. So, I leaned over her little bed, and whispered to my baby girl, "I love you London. Be a strong girl, and mommy will see you after surgery. You're going to be okay, baby. They'll take good care of you." My tears were falling on her cheek, but she didn't care. I kissed her sweet face, and rubbed her little chest - wires and all - and had to eventually back away as they wheeled her into the operating room. Why would I think of that moment? I guess because it's the last time I saw her. I didn't have a clue that it would be the last sight of my baby - this side of heaven. I guess I'm glad I didn't know.

For 22 months, London's things (as I've mentioned before) have been in my brother-in-law's parents' basement. They've been so gracious to store it there for us. However, it's not their place to keep it there forever, so I've been wanting to move it to my parents' house (we don't have a basement right now). I've see her things once in these 22 months - just one time...and it wasn't easy. Yesterday, Alaena and Bryan got all of London's things from Bryan's parents' house and brought them to Mom and Dad's. Afton, Jagger and I had gone to town to run some errands, and their intentions were to load everything before we got back. Well, we returned a little sooner than they planned. I knew they might get everything yesterday, and I had even offered to help, but Alaena insisted that I let them do it. So, last night, as I sat on the back patio, I saw Bryan's truck pull up with a load of precious white furniture in the back. My heart sank, and my emotions began to overflow again. All I could think about was that all of her precious things were being moved to another basement...just to sit there again for who knows how long. They weren't being delivered to a new room, or a new house. They were just being moved to store away again...to hide. Anyway, Alaena came over and apologized that they didn't have it moved already, and she told me to just sit there and let them handle it. She was very considerate of my emotions...and she knew I was having "one of those days". I couldn't see much from where I was sitting, but I did glance inside once and noticed my dad carrying the brand new white glider with the pink cushion. All I could do was just hang my head and weep. I never got to hold London and rock her in that chair. It wasn't even broken in. Broken, though, is what I am...I reflect on my broken heart, my broken dreams, and it hurts. I guess I get used to the pain at times, but I'm still broken.

After they moved everything in, Dad came outside - shirt wet with sweat from moving her things. He just came over and hugged me, and I broke down once again. He told me how it made him sad, too, and that he was sorry. As I just vented and bawled my eyes out to him, I remember saying how sometimes it's just so raw and painful that I wish I could escape my own skin. It's almost like I get a huge sense of panic at times that she's gone...forever...and I will NEVER see her again in this life. It's too much to handle at times.

Dad went on to share with me that a customer that he had yesterday (Dad owns a car lot) noticed his pictures all around his desk, and asked him how many grandchildren he had. Dad told him 3, but shared that he lost his granddaughter because she had a heart defect and didn't survive her surgery. Much to dad's surprise, this man looked at him and said, "Steve, I know exactly how you feel. I lost my granddaughter, too, when she was 4 years old. She had a heart defect and didn't survive her 3rd surgery." His granddaughter had a different heart defect, but they went on to discuss their hurt and their losses...and who would have thought that this man would have "been there" too. You just never know what some people have been through.

I told Dad, though, that I appreciate him saying that he has 3 grandchildren. People mean well...I totally believe that...but I've heard several times (especially since Jack has been born) that he is my second child. That hurts because he is not my second child. He is my third. Remember, there were those 9 months in between my two boys that I carried my little girl. I had 4 months of sickness with her. I felt her kick and move and tumble inside my belly. I had ultrasounds, echocardiograms, doctor visit after doctor visit for her. We traveled 2 hours away to get the best care for her. We had 2 baby showers for her. I prepared a room for her, bought her clothes, blankets, hair bows and toys. We held her, heard her cry, sang to her, prayed over her, talked to her...remember? She was real. She was my second child. Her existence was short, but it was real. She deserves to be remembered.

My life is good. I am blessed with 2 precious, healthy and very lively boys and a wonderful, loving husband. They make me smile and bring so much joy to my life. I recognize the blessing that they are to me. However, I am scarred and always will be. I miss my baby girl. I am sad...

It's been a while :)

2009-07-05T15:38:00.008-04:00

Jagger getting ready for bath time...with an arm-load of toys.

Jack's first time trying cereal.

Jagger and Daddy love exploring the farm at Grandmother and Granddad's house.

Grandmother and Granddad with the boys.

This outfit was picture-worthy!

Well, if there's one thing that's true about summer break, it's that I haven't made much time for checking email or blogging! I've neglected to post pictures or entries lately...sorry! So, here are some recent pictures of the boys. Also, if you click on the title of this link, you can see video of Jack's first time trying rice cereal :) Jack is doing great and getting so big. Jagger continues to crack us up daily and amazes me with his hilarious sayings. For instance, the other day he said, "Oh, I can't find a man that's more impressive. Mommy, that means more awesome." He was upset that he couldn't find a cool superhero man in his messy playroom.

Things have been going pretty well. I've had a couple of rough days here and there. Just a couple of nights ago, for example, Jagger was saying a prayer before he ate his dinner. He said, "Dear God, thank you for this food, and thank you for baby London and that she's in Heaven, and thank you for baby Jack. Amen." This just caught me off guard and sparked a grief moment. It was just a sharp reminder that London is on Jagger's mind more than I know. Another thing he mentioned the other day was that he wanted to see baby London big. He asked if we will ever get to see her big. Of course, I had to explain that we would not get to see her big. He then asked if she was getting big in Heaven. As he continued to ask questions, my emotions got the best of me. Moments like that are so difficult. Holidays are a bit tough, too. The 4th of July definitely doesn't have the same affect on me as Christmas or Thanksgiving, but there's something about fireworks that is just magical to children. Their eyes just light up, and they get so excited to see the beautiful fireworks light up the sky. As Jagger had a blast enjoying the fireworks yesterday, I couldn't help but imagine what London would think of them. She would be at an age where she would certainly be amazed by them. Moments like that are simple, but they're a grim reminder that I will never witness her precious face enjoying moments like that. That's very hard to accept sometimes. At the same time, I realize that I am blessed to see Jagger and Jack's sweet faces daily, and for that I am so thankful.

Blessings!

2009-06-23T14:11:00.003-04:00

"Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress." Psalm 107:6

How comforting to know that we can cry out to the Lord in our times of trouble, and he is able to deliver us from our distress. I know first hand, as you do also, that he does not always deliver us from our distresses in the way that we would like. However, he is always there with us as we go through the storms of this life.

But...what about those times when God's plan is totally in tune with our plan? It's an incredible feeling when a prayer is answered the way that we had hoped for. I guess part of the satisfaction is because we're human and selfish! God knows that, though, and it's just awesome when you truly pray for something and God answers the prayer the way we want. Well, that happened today!

If you've read my recent posts, you saw where my great friends, Ginny and Robbie, were being faced with yet another huge storm. Robbie was diagnosed with cancer. From all of the scans, they had decided that it was Hodgkin's Lymphoma. However, they wanted to get a better sample for a biopsy. Last week when Robbie had the biopsy, the surgeon told them that it actually didn't look like cancer to him - that perhaps it was just scar tissue from a previous infection. As you can imagine, they were relieved to an extent, but still nervous awaiting the official test results. Today, Ginny called me and said that they got the results from the biopsy, and it is NOT cancer!!! Praise God!! She had such relief in her voice, and now just wants her life back. As I mentioned previously, Ginny lost a baby last year, was on bed rest this entire pregnancy, lost her father the week before her new baby boy was born, and then her husband was basically diagnosed with cancer. It has been quite a treacherous ride for them, and now they look forward to enjoying every moment with Maddox (their baby) and each other. Thank you so much for those of you who prayed for Robbie. Maybe it was a misdiagnosis...or maybe God answered our prayers and truly performed a miracle. Either way, PRAISE GOD!!!

Hard times truly make us appreciate the little things. They make us enjoy each moment with those we love and not take anything for granted. I guess most of us would say that we wish there were no hardships in this life (wouldn't that be nice!), but if that were the case, then how would we truly ever learn the magnitude of God's power and his blessings? Don't get me wrong, I'd like to think that losing my baby is enough hurt for one lifetime for me. It would be nice to know that I'll never hurt again, but that's not how it works - unfortunately. After all, our sufferings bring us closer to God.

So, for today, I say rejoice in the good news and the blessings that God gives us. It doesn't have to be a pardon from a serious illness. Sometimes its as simple as being able to get out of the bed, hug the people you love, and simply live life. That is a blessing!

Oh...one more blessing is that Jonathan and I celebrated our 6th anniversary on Sunday! He didn't get all of the attention on Father's Day!! He had to share the day with me...poor thing :)

New random pictures :)

2009-06-20T16:34:00.005-04:00

Happy 1st Birthday Connor! This is my cousin Brian's little boy, and we celebrated his first birthday last week. How precious is he?!

Jonathan and Jack

Happy 73rd Birthday, Uncle Walt!! This is my mom and aunt Cely with Uncle Walt, my late grandfather's only living brother. He's wonderful and hilarious!

Jagger, Bella, Reese, and Addie at Dora Live in Louisville. They had a blast, and Diego was even there! Jagger was excited.

Jack's first time in his exersaucer (is that how you spell that?). He was a little wobbly, but he liked it...well, he liked it for about 2 minutes!

Me and Jagger at Dora Live. I think Jagger was tired of smiling...what do you think?!

Jack...is he cute or what? Oh, he's so rotten!

Brotherly love :)

2009-06-16T18:08:00.002-04:00

Since Jack is Mr. High Maintenance, we have to pull out all of our tricks to keep him happy most of the time! Jagger has become really good at singing "Rock A Bye Baby", and I caught him in action. Actually, Jack wasn't even throwing a fit this time!! Click on the title of this post to see brotherly love at its best!

Journal Entries (May 2008)

2009-06-10T15:40:00.004-04:00

The journal entries that I chose to post today are from May 2008, when I was still going through a pretty intense anger stage of grief, and when we were contemplating having another child. When I read this again, I noticed how much power my emotions (and my grief) had on my daily life and my feelings. It was rough, to say the least. I also notice how my emotions were like a roller coaster...up one moment, down the next. It was a very dark part of grief...a place I never want to be again! It was a time when I can honestly say I was not myself. I felt things and said things that I would have never imagined feeling or saying! Oh, the joys of grief!!

May 19, 2008 (I didn't attach this entire entry)

...So, I sat back like a total outcast while the 2 girls had “pregnant talk”. Then, as if darts were thrown at my heart, every time I went anywhere, there was a trigger! A girl talking about telling her parents she was pregnant, talking about how her child is reacting, a girl there with a 3 month old baby, another person whose wife is pregnant with twins, another girl telling me about her 3-day-old niece. You name it! I couldn’t take another trigger, so I left. As soon as I got out of sight, I just started bawling. It was a mixture of anger, sadness, disappointment, betrayal, embarrassment; you name it…just the sickening emotions that go with this freaking part of my life! I hate it!!!!!!!!!

Part of my anger, also, is that I’m ready to move on and try to get pregnant, and Jonathan isn’t. I don’t feel like I can rest until I have another baby. Don’t get me wrong, I DON’T want to be pregnant again, and I DON’T want to go into another ultrasound room, etc., but I want another baby so badly. I’m ready to just jump into it and take the chance and get pregnant, but Jonathan wants to wait until all of the firsts are over.

One of my biggest problems is that I don’t want Jagger and his sibling to be too far apart. I know in my right mind that it really doesn’t matter. However, he and London were 2 years apart. They would have been big buddies, and to be honest, I feel like Jagger was robbed of that! I want him to have a playmate, and it’s up to me to give that to him. My inability to “fix” this has been one of the worst parts. I can’t fix it, no matter what. It’s a horrible feeling. I can’t fix it for myself; I can’t fix it for Jagger.

In my lowest, pitiful moment yesterday, I began thinking that God is punishing me! He’s teaching me a lesson. I began to feel that my future is doomed – that there are surely more horrible things to come. I know that’s awful…it’s Satan working his magic on my mind. But, it’s how I felt. I certainly hope that’s not the case, but how will I get out of this?! How can I move on? Is it because I’m not on my anxiety medication any more…things are just magnified? Is it depression, anxiety talking? I called my counselor this morning to set up an appointment. I definitely need to see her again. It’s been a while…too long, really. Hopefully she can help me with this anger stage.

Believe it or not, I actually feel some relief after writing today. In the middle of this, Jonathan came to check on me, and I vented to the maximum to him. I don’t know how people keep their feelings inside. I would croak.

May 29, 2008 (Thursday)

I know that God has helped me this week by giving me more peace and comfort, by lessening my envious feelings and/or resentful feelings towards pregnant women and new moms, by allowing me to laugh more, and to feel better about a lot of things. I am praying that God will continue to lift those negative feelings from my mind and that He will continue to just strengthen us and give us renewed hope for our future.

We have decided to try to have another baby soon. Of course, I say that with anxiety and some hesitation. But…I also say that with excitement and a sense of hope because I look forward to “loving” again, to overcoming fear, and to pursuing the life we’ve dreamed of. Without a doubt in the world, Jagger is our rock. He is a gift far greater than anything we could possibly deserve. We know that. But, we also know that we want another baby and we want Jagger to have a sibling. We had so much love inside us when London was born. We gave her 2 days of unconditional love. There’s still so much love to give, though. We want that fulfillment of having a house full of children, if that’s God’s will. I trust that God has good things in store for us, and it’s nice to look forward to good things again.

One thing is for sure. I am REALLY looking forward to summer break. I think that will allow us to reduce our stress level, to have more fun, and to have a “brighter” outlook on things. I am slowly, but surely learning to manage my extreme emotions in a healthier way without letting them overwhelm me. I’m not that good at it yet, but I know I’m getting better. It definitely helps that I have such wonderful, encouraging and Christian friends and family who are there for us – cheering us on and praying for us.

Jack laughing at Daddy!

2009-06-09T16:35:00.001-04:00

If you click on the title of this post, you can see Jack laughing at his daddy! There's nothing sweeter than a baby's laugh! Jack is starting to laugh a lot! I hope this makes you crack up, too :)

He's God...He can handle it!!

2009-06-05T15:54:00.003-04:00

There have been times in my life when I thought - for a moment - that maybe God was angry with me...that surely He wouldn't just allow certain things to happen just because! There has to be a reason, right? Have you ever pictured God as a big, gigantic wizard in Heaven who has a big zapper, and He's ready to ZAP you at any second?! Haven't we all thought of Him in such a way...that He's just ready to strike us if we mess up. That's what some of us have been taught, and it's what some of us have grown to believe because of certain circumstances in our life that seem to go hand in hand with the idea that we're being zapped or punished!

As a Christian, I know and believe that God does punish - that I must fear Him...not be scared of Him, but that I must respect His power and His might. I believe that there are times when God gets my attention by giving me challenges and hardships. However, I will not stand to believe that God is ready to ZAP me when I mess up! Unfortunately, our world is so broken. It's not how He planned it, but it's how it has ended up.

Lots of things in life are just not fair! The fact that my precious little girl had only half of a heart isn't fair! The fact that I cannot be with her is NOT FAIR! The fact that innocent people are killed in war isn't fair! The fact that over 200 people died in a plane crash this week isn't fair! Lots of things are not fair, and it makes life hard.

Just this week, dear friends of mine, Ginny and Robbie, have been faced with yet another unthinkable, unfair challenge. I met Ginny just over a year ago because she lost her precious baby boy at 21 weeks because of an incompetent cervix. We began meeting at each other's homes every other week just to support each other. Finally, Ginny got pregnant again, and was put on bedrest at 13 weeks until 37 weeks when her doctor told her she could start gaining her strength back. She was so excited to have made it that far! Then, the same week she got off of bedrest, her father died suddenly in the middle of the night. Exactly one week later, on April 30, she gave birth to another precious - and completely healthy - baby boy, Maddox! He came at a time when she and her family needed something to make them smile! Just as she and her husband were adjusting to parenthood, her husband went to the doctor with some concerns with his stomach. After several tests were given, Robbie just found out this week that he has cancer. He does not know what type of cancer yet, but he knows there is cancerous activity in his body. So, WHY GOD, WHY? Hasn't this poor family been through enough? Why can't they just enjoy their newborn baby boy without more hurt and devastation? They're great, Christian people. They're young and fun...Robbie's only 28.

Is it okay to question God? Some would say No. You know what, I disagree. I think it's perfectly human and expected that we question God. He is our Father. He created us for goodness sake. We're human, imperfect, tainted, and nothing without Him...so, why shouldn't we be able to question His ways? He's God, and He can handle it! He knows we hurt, and He knows that we do not understand. I think the closest I ever get to God is when I pour my heart out to him - the good, bad, and the ugly - and I do not keep one thought away from Him (not that I could, anyway!).

So, my advice is...Tell Him how you feel! He listens, He knows, He understands, and He's not there to ZAP you just because you let your guard down with Him and show Him your true, human emotions.

And, please...pray for Robbie, Ginny, their precious baby Maddox, that they would be comforted and strengthened during this time, and ultimately that Robbie would be healed! Thank you!

Pictures :)

2009-06-02T13:28:00.006-04:00

As you can probably tell, I love pictures! I guess I post pictures a lot because I think of my blog as a book, and who wants to read a book without pictures?!! I mean, I guess that's why I can read a magazine from cover to cover, but you won't find me reading a novel for pleasure!! Sorry to all of you readers out there :) Okay, okay...I read my Bible, of course, and I read my devotionals, and I read self-help books, but that's about the extent of my reading without pictures!! You get my point :)

Jack got his first pair of swimming trunks and a cool surf shirt! His hat was WAY too big as you can tell.

Okay, this is one of those pictures that tells a story :) Instead of "Where's Waldo?", the question is "Where's Jagger?" This is his playroom, and NO...the rest of my house does not look like this, I promise! The tornado/dump/disaster area is actually contained to his playroom! So, did you find him??? Yes, that's him sitting in front of his T.V. with a cardboard box around him, under a Spiderman umbrella with a blanket on top of it. Now, that's some creativity!!

Jagger was "helping" Daddy put up a tent. We're finally out of school for the summer, so Jonathan and Jagger celebrated by camping out! I think Jagger loves the tent better than he would a four-star hotel!

Little things - Big impact

2009-06-01T11:04:00.006-04:00

Isn't it true that big emotion can be sparked by little things? Whether it be compassion, excitement, anger, sadness, etc., sometimes, it just takes something "little" to create a big wave of emotion. For instance, a simple smile from someone might make your day a little brighter. One smart-alec comment from a rude co-worker might make your blood boil. You get my point, right?

Well, it seems that lately (as in, the past week), there have been a lot of little things that have made me grieve my London. Last night, I revisited a chapter in the book Life After Loss, and the chapter was on the typical timetable for grief. Now, everyone is different, but I've found that this book nailed it for me as far as when I would feel certain ways. At three months, I began feeling angry and a lot of "raw" emotions. That's what the book said I would do. At 12 months, I felt relief - like I had conquered the biggest challenge ever. That's what the book said I would feel! Lately, I've noticed that I've been grieving a lot more. I really thought I had beat this thing. I mean, of course I will always grieve my precious baby girl. I will always have a void in my heart and home that will NEVER be replaced. I will always have my moments. But...I thought I had kind of won the battle and gained control of my grief. WRONG!! Life After Loss mentions that at 18 months (or around that time), that a huge wave of emotions would hit...that grief would be raw again. Man, is that ever true for me! It has been 20 months since I held my baby girl and had to say good-bye, and lately, my grief has had a big hold on me - as if it was just a week ago. Grief is hard work. Just when I thought I had figured it out, it got me again.

Back to the little things I mentioned. Here are some things that have sparked my sadness lately. Again, they're not all "big" things, but they had a big impact on my heart.

A friend brought her children in school last week, and her youngest daughter was born just a week before London. The little girl was playing in the hallway with her brother, twirling around, falling on the ground, laughing, talking,...just being a typical 20-month-old. It's like the moment was in slow motion as I caught myself staring down the hallway just watching her as she played and interacted with those around her. I had to go to my room and just let it all out. I missed my baby so badly, and I grieved that she would be doing the same things. How would she and Jagger be playing together now? Would they fight? Would they be best buddies? Would she have long, curly blonde locks like her brother? What would her voice sound like? It hurts to say that I'll never know.
Another dear friend sent an email that her baby girl was born, and on the email she said "We're in LOVE!" It just sparked such emotion in me that I was SO "in love" with my London. The title of the email was "She's here!", and that's the title of the email that my sister sent to everyone when London was born! I told you it was the little things...
Another friend shared with me that one of her favorite pictures of her daughter was one where her daughter and her husband were at a Father/Daughter tea at church. Okay, that's a normal "occasion", right? Well, for me, it's more than that. A father/daughter tea is something that Jonathan will never get to experience. He will never know what it's like to have a "daddy's girl", to dance with his baby girl, to have a tea party with his daughter, to let her fix his hair or play dolls with her, to tell her her shorts are too short (my dad used to do that!), to warn boyfriends, to walk her down the isle. He will never have that opportunity with his daughter, and I will never have the privilege of seeing my sweet husband adore his daughter in day-to-day life. That hurts!

But, will those moments truly ever end? I mean, when others are starting Kindergarten, I will think about the fact that London would be starting school. When others are driving, graduating from high school, going to prom, going to college, dating, getting married, having children - you name it - I will think about my London and that I wish I could see her doing all of those things.

For some reason, God has chosen me and my family to go through this. His ways are definitely not always my ways, but I still manage to trust in Him. I know He will help me through this difficult time, just as He has in the past.

Journal Entries - January 2008

2009-05-27T13:17:00.002-04:00

January 28, 2008 (Monday)
It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve written…too long, really. Actually, I feel that I’m doing better, so I suppose I haven’t had as much baggage to write about lately. Since I wrote on 1/14, we chose London’s headstone, and we were able to get what we truly wanted for her. We went to Bluegrass Monuments in E-Town and ordered a pink granite heart with her name, dates, and the following statements on it: Jonathan and Ashlee’s precious daughter; Jagger’s little sister; Two days in our arms – forever in our hearts.

It’s amazing how much relief I felt after getting that over with. It was a good feeling to know that we have overcome that part of our “closure”, and it feels like we are honoring London with a beautiful memorial.

I have been reading a book recommended by Bonnie French (my therapist) called Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. It has been great for my outlook lately. My grief is doing okay, but I’m really trying to get my anxiety under control. That is something that not only affects my daily life; it also affects my grief. I just can’t let it control me any more, and I’m truly working very hard at helping myself. I’m only half-way through the book, so I’m hoping it will continue to be an encouragement for me.

One thing that Bonnie mentioned at my last visit was that I tend to talk about “death” a lot when I describe my anxiety. I mention who has died, who is sick, etc. a lot, and she told me to think about why I do that. That kind of stunned me at first because I don’t consider myself a gloom and doom person. However, I guess she’s right. So much of my anxiety comes from fears of illness, car wrecks, and death in general. Why do I do that? I discussed it with Jonathan, and I think I have an idea. First of all, for the past few years, I’ve been around death of loved ones – first my Papaw’s battle with cancer and his death, then Nana’s battle with cancer and her death, then London’s diagnosis, a dear church friend’s sudden heart attack and death, London’s surgery and death, and some illnesses/deaths in between. That’s natural, I guess, for an anxious person to focus on death if it’s been a part of life for a while. However, what else? There has to be another reason. Here’s where my deep thinking came in. I think I’ve found why I have always fretted over illnesses and situations that ultimately lead to death. Control. I said it…control. Death is something that I have absolutely NO control over, whatsoever. After my 4 sessions with Bonnie, I have come to realize what a control freak and perfectionist that I am. I truly think part of it is that it can happen without my control, and that scares me! Hopefully, with time and effort, I will improve in this area.

January 31, 2008 (Thursday)
Last night I had a thought that brought tears to my eyes. I was reading Guess How Much I Love You to Jagger (the one I read to London), and for some reason I began thinking of London’s cry. When I usually think of her, it’s like in pictures. I think of me holding her, what she looked like, etc., but I don’t usually think of the sounds she made. Last night, for some reason, it was so real to me. I thought of how her cry sounded, and how her little tongue would lift to the roof of her mouth when she cried. I could see her little gums…everything. She hated having her diaper changed. She would cry big-time when that happened. That’s about the only time she would cry. But, I could hear her. I can still hear her. It’s not a devastating thought, but it’s sort of new to me in the sense of grieving. I miss that. I didn’t hear enough of it, so I catch myself grieving her sounds. I’m okay…it didn’t bring me down like it used to, but it made me yearn for her once again.

Memorial Day Weekend

2009-05-26T07:52:00.005-04:00

Jack and Papaw watching T.V.

What's wrong with this picture?!

We had a good, long Memorial Day weekend. We visited Jonathan's mom and grandparents, Jagger helped Grandmother pick strawberries, and they rode the four-wheeler on the farm. Yesterday for Memorial Day, we visited London's grave, and were surprised to see that Mom had planted a beautiful pink rose bush next to her stone, and she decorated the wreath on the angel. Jagger helped us clean London's stone and he took pride in making it look really pretty. I was surprised at how well he did this time. I rarely bring Jagger to the cemetery because he gets emotional, which in turn, makes me emotional. However, he did really well yesterday and enjoyed visiting his sister's special place.

Making a splash!

2009-05-22T10:43:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, Jagger got in Mom and Dad's pool for the first time this year. He had a blast...and a major meltdown when it was time to get out!

Afton & Jagger

Papaw, Jagger, Jack, & Afton

Jack's first reaction to the water! Surprise, surprise :) He did actually like it after a while!

Jagger's phrase for the day was "COWABUNGA!!!" as he did little cannon balls off the steps!

I will rejoice and be glad in it...

2009-05-21T07:35:00.004-04:00

I got Jack a "Bumbo" seat at Target, and it's hilarious to see him sitting straight up like a little old man. He's not too excited about it because it's hard work for him to keep his head still!

I was reading my devotional this morning, and it was like God placed it on the exact page where I needed it! I have been kind of down lately, anxious, stressed...but, this is exactly what I needed to read this morning, and I am reminded of God's goodness and His gifts! I thought I'd share.

What Do You Expect?

This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118:24)

What do you expect from the day ahead? Are you expecting God to do wonderful things, or are you living beneath a cloud of apprehension and doubt? Do you expect God to use you in unexpected ways, or do you expect another uneventful day to pass with little fanfare? As a thoughtful believer, the answer to these questions should be obvious.

For Christians, every new day offers exciting possibilities. God's Word promises that Christ has come to this earth to give us abundant life and eternal salvation. We, in turn, should respond to God's gifts by treasuring each day and using our time here on earth to glorify our Creator and share the Good News of His Son.

Each day is a special gift from God, a treasure to be savored and celebrated. May we - as believers who have so much to celebrate - never fail to praise our Creator by rejoicing in His glorious creation.

When your life comes to a close, you will remember not days but moments. Treasure each one. ~ Barbara Johnston

Have a good day!!

Journal Entries - January 2007

2009-05-20T11:58:00.002-04:00

I understand that many of my journal entries will not apply to just anyone, but my hope is that someone reading them might be able to say, "Man, I feel the same way" or "I thought I was crazy, but I'm not..." That is why I've chosen to share many random entries from my journal. Here are two more - exactly as they were written back then.

January 7, 2008 (Monday)
A lot has happened since I wrote on Dec. 26. First of all, we had a calm, quiet New Years at Billy and Lou’s house. We played cards, and it was fun. Unfortunately, Dad was put in the hospital on New Years Eve for his gall bladder. Mom rang in the new year at HMH with dad! He had surgery on Wednesday, 1/2/08, and all went well. He had his gall bladder removed. He’s still moving slow, but getting better every day.

I also went to Keith Monument over the break and got a draft picture of London’s headstone. I wasn’t happy with the way it turned out, so we’ll keep thinking of ideas for it. I want it to be simple, yet perfect for her. I didn’t get upset going in there – not like I thought that I would. I think it will be a good sense of closure to get that over with.

On January 4, I had to go to Dr. Henderson’s office for an annual check-up. It was the first time I’d been there since my 6-week postpartum checkup. Man was it rough! I thought I would be fine…I mean, it’s been 16 weeks since London died, and 10 weeks since I’ve been to Dr. Henderson’s office. Unfortunately, there’s something about that place that just gives me the creeps now. I hope that the feeling will fade with time, but it was awful. I waited for about 30 minutes in the waiting room. In that time, I saw about 10 or more pregnant women, 3 who had either had their ultrasound or were going to have their ultrasound. One of the women sparked a conversation with me, and she has an 18 month old little boy and was finding out that day what she was having this time. It was like having my situation thrown up in my face again. Plus, the memories of having my first ultrasound with London are just brutal. That feeling of finding out that something was wrong was just sickening…literally. I won’t even go there.

Anyway, so I finally made it into the room, and the moment came for them to check my blood pressure. Oh help me…I knew it would be up, but oh my gosh. It was 160/98!!! The nurse said, “Honey, your heart’s about to come out of your chest.” I began to cry…partially out of just letting my feelings out, but also because I was nervous that my blood pressure was so high. The nurse was very sweet and told me that it’s anxiety and that it’s nothing to worry about.

Dr. Henderson came in eventually and gave me a big hug. She’s always so positive and understanding. We discussed a lot of things, and she was encouraging for me. She always makes me laugh at some point in the visit, too, which is nice. Anyway, she let me leave out the side door so I wouldn’t have to go through the waiting room. She’s so sweet and considerate. Alma was there, too, and we talked. She understands that I have a phobia of the Ob/Gyn office now! The entire day after leaving Dr. H’s office was very hard for me. I cried all day after that. I hadn’t had a day like that in a while, so it was emotionally draining for me.

When I went home, Jagger wanted me to read to him “Nutbrown Hare”, which is really Guess How Much I Love You, and it’s the only book that I read to London. I read it to him all the time, but on that day, I just couldn’t get the words out without sobbing. My feelings of sadness were all too real. I couldn’t hide the tears from Jagger, so when he asked if I was “tryin”, I was honest and told him, “Mommy is sad because I miss baby London.” It was so sweet how he reacted because he simply put his arm around my neck and said, “I make you happy, Mommy.” He wanted to take care of me, and his precious little gesture did bring joy to my heart. I am so blessed by him. I told him how happy he makes me, and I was able to gain the strength to continue reading to him.

January 14, 2008 (Monday)
I’ve had a rough weekend. First of all, the weather is just dreary, rainy and depressing. But, more than that, I’ve just been sad. Yesterday before church, I was fixing Jagger eggs. As I stood at the stove, he sat at the kitchen table. Out of nowhere, he said, “Mommy, I supposed to have a sister?” I looked at him and said, “What, honey?” He simply smiled and said “baby London’s my sister.” I calmly replied, “Yes, baby London was your sister. Do you remember what happened to baby London?” This is our dialogue from here…
Jagger: “Her’s at the doctor cuz her’s sick.”
Me: “She was at the doctor, but she’s not there anymore. Do you remember where she is?
Jagger: “In heaven with Jesus.”
Me: “That’s right. She had something wrong with her heart, and the doctors tried to fix it, but they couldn’t fix it. Her heart didn’t work, so she died and went to heaven with Jesus.” My eyes were welling up with tears at this point, but I wanted him to feel comfortable talking about her if he wanted to, so I let him continue.
Jagger: “Did the nurse give her a shot? They fix her heart, Mommy?”
Me: “They tried, baby, but they couldn’t.” I noticed his desire to “fix” her, and I began to cry.
Jagger: “They can give her a new heart, Mommy.”
Me: “I wish they could honey. She has a new heart in heaven.”
Jagger: “Can we go see her sometime, Mommy? Sometime, can we? I play with baby London. I give her a passy, and she’ll spit it out! She’s toot.”
Me: At this point, I was bawling. All I could say was, “I wish you could, honey. Is that what you would do with baby London?”
Jagger: His bright blue eyes lit up as he shook his head yes.
Me: “Maybe some day Daddy and Mommy will have another baby. Would you like that?”
Jagger: “Baby London come out of your belly, mommy? You have baby London?”
Me: I explained that baby London is in heaven and if we had another baby, it would be a different baby. By then, I just couldn’t take it. It was way too painful. Bless his heart, he wanted to understand, but it was just too much for him. My heart breaks that he wants his little sister here. What about the passy comment? It just shows how he imagines playing with her. It breaks my heart. I was crying and I told him that Mommy was crying because I’m sad that baby London isn’t here. I wish she were here with us. Jagger simply said, “Can I eat my eggs in the TV room and watch wah-toons?” I said yes, and the conversation was over. That’s when I’m thankful that he’s only 2.

Jonathan and I decided to go to the 11:00 service together. Man, am I glad that I went. Dr. Robert Smith was there. He’s a black minister who preached a revival at Gilead 10 years ago. He’s a professor at a seminary in Burmingham, AL now. Anyway, all I can say is WOW! He was so amazing, and I feel that I’ve been revived…truly. His words were none less than God’s words. His message was so strong and aimed at me! Actually, it was aimed at the entire church. It was entitled, “Groaning to Glory” and he talked about how we go through things that make us “groan”, but in the end, we’re heading for “glory”. He mentioned that when situations are such that we don’t have words to say – when the emotions are so strong that words can’t do it justice, God interceded for us with “groans and sighs” as he relays our prayers to the Father. How powerful. I needed that. Dr. Smith prayed for Jonathan and I at the end of the service and it was very touching. I feel that God was really speaking to us all day yesterday.

Ryan Todd came by the house (I was gone) and talked to Jonathan for a while. He brought a video of a preacher who experienced heaven during an accident. Ryan told Jonathan that he just felt God had led him there and he wanted to share that. Then, last night, he called our house and he and Jonathan talked for a long time. Afterwards, I could tell that Jonathan felt good. Ryan shared with Jonathan that God had told him to tell Jonathan that, “She’s okay. She’s in heaven with him, and she’s fine, and you will see her again. You’re going to be okay.”

Ever since London died, Jonathan has said that he’s going to have to hear an “audible voice” from God before he can move on. That was his determination coming out. He was determined that the only way he would move on is if God spoke to him directly! I could tell last night that Jonathan felt that this was his “audible voice”. He said, “You know, Ash, I know God works through people, and I think He worked through Ryan to tell me that.” I knew at that moment that Jonathan had peace. Thank you, God!

Another “God” thing that happened was that I went to Dollar General on my way home last night. As I was paying, the lady in front of me looked familiar. It was Rhonda Shrader. Rhonda lost her little girl, Arlie, 4 years ago and even sent me a card when London died. She has a salon in Upton by Jagger’s daycare. Anyway, we said hi to each other and once we realized who the other was, we just began talking and talking. We shared stories for about 20 minutes, and she hugged me 3 times. She was so thoughtful in sharing how she felt when she lost Arlie, how she and her husband grieved differently, and how they were able to eventually move on. She mentioned that she still has days when she’ll cry over Arlie. She told me that she’s there for me if I ever want to talk. I just really appreciated her concern and her willingness to listen and share her story, not to mention her encouragement. It was nice.

God is good. I’ve seen that throughout all of this, but He was really working in my life yesterday. I’m very thankful that I can see His hand in so many things – in the midst of my grief. Today is better. I know it’s one day at a time.

2009-05-19T07:35:00.002-04:00

I took Jack to the doctor yesterday, and he had chest congestion, so Dr. Smith prescribed Albuterol. Everyone has said he would be wild after taking it, and they were right! I didn't know he could kick his legs so fast and "talk" that much! No ear infections for him or Jagger, so that's good news. Jack is up to 13 pounds, 2 ounces!

Is this a typical man or what? Aunt "Naena" got him a new Mickey Mouse movie, so he had to watch it on his DVD player while he took a bath! I choose my battles! He was "shaving" at the same time with his foam soap :)

"Mimi" (Jonathan's mom) stayed with us last weekend after flying in from Florida. Jagger loved spending time with her, and Jack just got even more spoiled!!